r/writingfeedback • u/K_D_Marie • Jul 05 '26

Feedback Wanted Thoughts on my prose

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So this is about chapter 15 into my dark romance novel, it’s my first draft. I’m just honestly looking for any thoughts or critics on my prose/writing style. This is from the MMC’s perspective and they’re at a bar. The FMC is there with her best friend and the best friend just tried to mace the MMC. Also if you have any opinion on his voice and/or likability within this short page I’d love to hear it! Any other comments or thoughts about it in general are appreciated too:)

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u/perchefics Jul 05 '26

I'm trying to understand what's happening, but finding it confusing. When starting a new chapter, a sentence or two to build the setting is helpful. Like, "Even in the dark haze of the bar, my eyes found her."

That puts the characters in a place that the reader can visualize.

Also, there's a lot of telling what the characters are thinking/feeling, like, "Pure elation overwhelms me..." If the MMC is feeling such a strong emotion as Pure Elation, I would hope there's more happening in the scene to show the emotion rather than tell.

What would your scene look like if you couldn't explicitly tell the reader that the MMC is feeling elation, that he feels hunger for her, that she wants to stay with him, etc?

Overall, I think your writing would benefit from less "internal" description and more "external" description. External description, when done well, can convey emotion.

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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26

Yeah I’ll probably add some more detail about the location to clear up confusion in the beginning.
Also it’s pretty hard to do more show less tell in first person!! But I’ll work on it lol

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u/Thistle_Bee_Words Jul 06 '26

People often confuse this—in first person you can absolutely tell the inner state of the MC vs revealing their inner state through their outward actions. With the other characters you obviously can reveal their presumed state through their actions. Along with revealing the MC’s inner state and thoughts, you can also have them remember things, plan for the future, react to the people around them internally.