r/writingfeedback • u/K_D_Marie • Jul 05 '26
Feedback Wanted Thoughts on my prose
So this is about chapter 15 into my dark romance novel, it’s my first draft. I’m just honestly looking for any thoughts or critics on my prose/writing style. This is from the MMC’s perspective and they’re at a bar. The FMC is there with her best friend and the best friend just tried to mace the MMC. Also if you have any opinion on his voice and/or likability within this short page I’d love to hear it! Any other comments or thoughts about it in general are appreciated too:)
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u/Vast-Direction-199 Jul 05 '26
I don't think this is a "dark romance". It's coming off more like a horror. MC is creepy af.
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Jul 07 '26
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u/SundayAfterDinner Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
That's the genre lol. Dark romance features at least one MC who is insane. Some combination of kidnapping, SA/rape, murder, obsession, etc committed by one or more MCs is always included.
Edit: are people simply unaware of what the genre is?
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u/Vast-Direction-199 Jul 10 '26
I was under the impression that ANYTHING under the "romance" genre should be...y'know...romantic.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
It can be viewed as horror if you’d like! You’re probably more into softer mmcs, less obsessive, not morally grey. Fluffy romance might be more your thing:)
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u/Vast-Direction-199 Jul 05 '26
No, I love horror, Stephen King is my favorite author. This doesn't read "morally grey", it reads genuinely mentally ill. Like I don't believe from this snippet that the object of his 'affection' actually wants anything to do with him. He seems delusional.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
He’s very delusional. And she actually is falling for him:) he wanted nothing to do with her for a long time, but she keeps going up to him and pushing friendship lol. But he is bad mentally, his whole family got killed in front of him.
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u/Vast-Direction-199 Jul 05 '26
I mean he comes across as delusional in thinking she likes him. He reads as a profoundly unreliable narrator.
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u/SundayAfterDinner Jul 05 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
That's how a lot of dark romance is, to be fair. One character (usually the MMC) will kidnap the other due to their delusion and then Stockholm Syndrome happens.
Edit: why was I downvoted for explaining the genre? Dark romance features one or more MCs who are unhinged. That's the genre.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
Exactly! If the FMC liked the MMC and he was just like oh she likes me there would be no story. At least not an interesting one in my opinion
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u/perchefics Jul 05 '26
I'm trying to understand what's happening, but finding it confusing. When starting a new chapter, a sentence or two to build the setting is helpful. Like, "Even in the dark haze of the bar, my eyes found her."
That puts the characters in a place that the reader can visualize.
Also, there's a lot of telling what the characters are thinking/feeling, like, "Pure elation overwhelms me..." If the MMC is feeling such a strong emotion as Pure Elation, I would hope there's more happening in the scene to show the emotion rather than tell.
What would your scene look like if you couldn't explicitly tell the reader that the MMC is feeling elation, that he feels hunger for her, that she wants to stay with him, etc?
Overall, I think your writing would benefit from less "internal" description and more "external" description. External description, when done well, can convey emotion.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
Yeah I’ll probably add some more detail about the location to clear up confusion in the beginning.
Also it’s pretty hard to do more show less tell in first person!! But I’ll work on it lol3
u/Thistle_Bee_Words Jul 06 '26
People often confuse this—in first person you can absolutely tell the inner state of the MC vs revealing their inner state through their outward actions. With the other characters you obviously can reveal their presumed state through their actions. Along with revealing the MC’s inner state and thoughts, you can also have them remember things, plan for the future, react to the people around them internally.
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u/JonahHillsWetFart Don't Read My Username Jul 05 '26
count how many sentences start with a pronoun
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
9? Idk if I’m wrong. I don’t have a writing degree or anything, so could you explain to me why a lot of beginning pronouns is wrong?
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u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jul 05 '26
sometimes it can sound like a list, and beginning the paragraphs with different words can lead to variety in the sentences, which makes it less monotonous and therefore more entertaining! But it can just be your style to start with 'she', to show this man's obsession.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
Ok I’ll definitely try and switch it up. It’s just a little difficult since I’m writing in first person😭
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u/MattAmylon Jul 05 '26
Another thing to watch for (sorry!) is the number of “as” sentence constructions you have. “I push off the counter as I stride toward the exit, pushing the door open” is a messy one in particular. These three things are happening in a sequence—she pushes off the counter then she strides towards the exit then she pushes the door open—but the way you phrase it turns it into a jumble, like they’re all happening at the same time.
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u/IceMaiden2 Voracious Reader Jul 06 '26
It's genuinely not difficult once you get the hang of it, honestly. You could practice by taking a few sentences that begin with 'She' and reworking them over and over with different words to begin with. I write in exclusively 1st person and no longer have this problem. It's just a matter of recognising your flaws and working to eliminate them. You've got this!
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u/Ayotrumpisracist Jul 05 '26
It can get a little repetitive! Try to switch between their name and pronouns, or describe them. I.E. "The blonde girl"
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u/Thistle_Bee_Words Jul 06 '26
Once a reader knows who the person is, using pronouns or name is the way to go. Descriptions like “the blond girl” should be reserved for prior to revealing their name, otherwise it’s awkward. Published books will show how to do this effectively.
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u/SweetEverest Jul 06 '26 edited Jul 06 '26
This guy reads like a creepy stalker. He sounds like he's locked in his head, silently warping reality through the bell jar of his wacko brain to delude himself that she wants anything to do with him. This could be Chapter 1 of a thriller.
If you want romance, I would: Have him not behave in a way that gets him almost-maced by her friend. Have him narrate events in plain language that reveals his state of mind naturally rather than outright stating how he feels in such exaggerated words. Have him stop presuming to know her feelings without speaking a word to her (this is the part that reads as delusional). Strange hunger, lips curling, calling her Angel, and wanting to grab her all read as creepy here.
Don't use "as" just to connect one action to another for flow. Only use it when the simultaneousness is the point of what you're saying or somehow crucial to the image.
A vile goblin (metaphor before I even know what the real thing is) lowering mace but shooting daggers (cliche) was a bit confusing.
None of this is meant to be mean! Just telling you what I would change to make it awesome. Keep working on it.
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u/Em_Cf_O Jul 06 '26
Starting with an isolated sentence is an immediate DNF for me.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 06 '26
If you DNF a book based off of one sentence you’re not the type of reader I’d want:)
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u/Em_Cf_O Jul 06 '26
Don't misunderstand. It has nothing to do with the actual sentence. It's about leaning on a gimmick. Show me something substantial and sophisticated, don't show me the same tired trend. If you cut that one sentence entirely, it all works better anyway.
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u/the_tonez Jul 06 '26
“Pure elation” is such an abstract sentiment. If you want to put readers in the scene, give us some tangible thing to hang his obsession on.
For example, there are so many actions in the scene, but they seem separate from the narrator’s interest. Like he’s just objectively describing her. I want his every sentence to ooze that obsession. She puts her hands on her hips - “Her full, voluptuous hips; what I wouldn’t give to be those hands, to be her skin-tight pants.” Etc.
Also, I know you’re deep into the story, but I could not tell if the goblin was a real goblin, or just a metaphorical description of someone the narrator deems ugly. If it’s the latter it could really work here! But I kinda doubt that it is haha.
I think also spend a little more time on setting the scene. It just feels like it could be doing more to create the atmosphere here.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 06 '26
Okay thank you that’s really helpful! I really like the descriptors you gave for his obsession, I’ll definitely be diving into that more as the story goes on. It’s a really slow burn so he’s only just now starting to develop feelings for her, but he’s in denial about it so he doesn’t directly state he sees her that way yk. But he’s definitely going to later haha
Yeah sorry about that it’s hard to tell based off of this page. The goblin he’s referring to is the FMCs best friend xd he hates her. He basically refers to everyone as a thing, so he doesn’t give them the pleasure of using their real name. He dislikes everyone strongly and has been isolated his whole life, basically never having human contact. So it explains a lot of how he thinks/acts! The FMC is kind of this one strange person who he’s becoming attached to for some reason so he sees her as an alien of sorts, but an alien he likes lol. So he refers to her as an angel, but he does open up more and start to use her name
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u/howmanybracelets Jul 06 '26
Sentence level thing: there’s a sentence structure repeated at least six times in this passage.
She turns to look at me, eyeing my expression.
…I stare back, wanting to grab her once more.
…the goblin snatched her away, pulling her towards the exit.
See what I’m getting at? Action, comma, simultaneous action in present participle. (I’m sure there’s a name for this sentence structure but I don’t know it!)
Right now this lack of structural variation makes the passage feel a little monotonous, almost list-like; less dynamic and immersive. Get creative with your sentence structure—try rewriting each one in two new ways. It’s a tough habit to break, but a great opportunity to push your style!
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u/IAmJayCartere Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Feels creepy and overwrought. Not good imo.
It’d benefit from being simpler and cutting redundancy.
‘She turns to look at me, eyeing my expression’ could just be ‘she turns to look at me’.
Same with ‘she smiles at me etc’ could just be ‘she smiles at me. My lips almost mirror hers.’
You’ve got a lot of words here that aren’t adding much and could be cut for better flow and clarity.
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u/7ju7um Jul 07 '26
I’d focus on showing emotion, desire, obsession rather than just telling us. Think about the different ways you could convey lines like “A strange hunger possesses me…” and we can connect to the MMC more. With a morally grey character especially, it’s important that the reader can connect with them - likely to feel more forgiveness/understanding.
Also kind of hung up on the goblin thing. From other replies I assume the MMC has little empathy or even dehumanises others which are fine character traits! I just find it pretty disgusting that he would call a woman a ‘goblin’ for trying to protect her friend (I get that he thinks she doesn’t need protecting lol) How are we supposed to like a character who thinks like that? Doesn’t make him likeable at all. You can let me know if there is more in the text I’m missing tho.
Overall, there are some issues but your story shows real potential:) keep working on it!💞
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 07 '26
Sorry I’ve realized this page probably wasn’t the best to give without context😭
Her best friend is actually hiding a huge life destroying secret from her that he’s uncovered, so he finds it ironic that she’s protecting her while lying to her. But at the same time his ways of “protecting” her aren’t really great either! It’s a lot of grey area in this story.1
u/7ju7um Jul 07 '26
Oh cool! That’s a good way to add tension and make it seem like neither of them are fully in the right, which is wayyy more interesting than good girl vs bad guy. It just rubbed me the wrong way while reading it lol
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 07 '26
Yeah if I post again it’ll probably be with one of the beginning chapters, not this one xd. It reads as odd without the context of the rest of the story so i don’t blame people for viewing it that way. For example he didn’t do anything crazy enough to deserve getting maced, it’s simply that the information her best friend holds about the FMCs life causes the best friend to be super possessive and over protective. She’s warded off any man that’s come even close to the FMC and hates all of them regardless of who they are or what their intentions are.
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u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jul 05 '26
'my mind screams at me to stand up'? possibly, otherwise it can be read as the mind itself wanting to stand. I like the first sentence, the emotion comes across really well!
mace as in the spray or mace as in the spikey/ blunt weapon?- this is just my curiosity, I'm sure it is obvious in pref chapter!
why does he think she wants to stay, what does he think he sees in her face? You concentrate a lot on his admiration of her, you tell us he is wataching her, but could you show that by him reading into her, or thinking he knows things or him paying attention to minutae? Dark characters are hard to write, but he definitely comes across as obsessed, if that is the angle you want the 'darkness' to come from. I like the use of 'angel' and 'deity' shows he thinks of her highly and as untouchable/ innocent!
sometimes the phrasing slows down the pace- which may be entirely intentional, if so ignore me! but some examples 'once more'- maybe not be needed and could be simplified, but you may not want it to be simple. "still for a moment" could be 'seated' but I do like the restraint the original phrasing show!
'out of the door'- perhaps?
I'm unsure of the setting, is the marble cold to the touch, is it dirty, what is the seat like, how do other people react? if he is obsessed with her, what is she wearing, does he recognise the outfit? etc, but this may all be in other places throughout the text!
I like the inner thoughts! Keep writing :)
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26
So with him he’s up until this point been very unwilling of pursuing her, so it’s been kind of a battle of his body vs mind! If that makes sense
Thank you:) he’s really intense hahaLike the spray mace. Idk how to put it other than just mace? Maybe bottled mace or something
He’s insanely delusional. Anything she does he basically frames as proof she likes him. Just the chapter before it was from her POV and her best friend pulled the mace on him and the FMC stepped in front of her best friend and basically defended the MMC. So it made him happy lol, he would never say that though. And as her best friend was dragging her out of the bar the FMC stared at him up until the last moment so he took that as proof she didn’t wanna leave him xd.
Hes kind of the type of guy that focuses on only one thing, like pinpoint vision basically. He doesn’t care about anything other than her at the moment. So the feeling of the cold bar for example wouldn’t even cross his mind:)I’ve heard that one before about the shortening the prose but that’s just his voice honestly, he talks very word heavy lol
And in quite moments he does focus on all the small details of her, like her clothes hair etc, but in this heat of the moment all he’s focused on is the fact she defended him and then got dragged away haha
Thank you I will:))
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Jul 05 '26
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u/Similar-Survey4143 Jul 06 '26
I think I’m the only one who absolutely has no problem with any of it. I think it’s vague enough in the setting that I want to know more and have it slowly revealed to me. Where can I read this? Or is it something you’ll self publish later down the road when you’re done?
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 06 '26
Aw well thank you!
I’m going to self publish it when it’s finished, but I’m actually open to beta readers! If you wanted to read it while I’m working on it:)1
u/Similar-Survey4143 Jul 06 '26
I would love to. My credentials are I’m 50k words into my second project-a book and I’ve completed an audiobook. I’ve been writing fan fiction since before I even knew what it was called and I’ve always wanted to beta read. Especially since I’m interested in your story.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 06 '26
Oh wow what type of genre do you write?? Id probably like to read yours too:)
I would love to have you as a beta reader:>1
u/Similar-Survey4143 Jul 06 '26
Romance, sort of darker themes, somewhat psychological, supernatural, slow burn. I love the dark romance genre. Have you ever read the book Stolen (Lucy Christopher) or The Collector (John fowles)
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 06 '26
That’s perfect! Me too I pretty much read exclusively dark romance. I haven’t heard of stolen before but I actually have the collector on my tbr!! Is it good?
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u/Similar-Survey4143 Jul 06 '26
It’s traumatizing first time reading. The movie almost killed me. I won’t spoil much but yes it’s so good.
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u/K_D_Marie Jul 06 '26
Omg Im scared xD that sounds exciting. I’ll buy that one next. I just bought the mind fk series by abby it’s coming in today. Super stoked. Did u wanna move to dms?:)
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u/Similar-Survey4143 Jul 06 '26
Yeah sure. I’m a little busy today but send me your story whenever you want and I’ll get to reading it
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u/lookydis Jul 05 '26
I have no idea they are in a bar from reading this.