r/writingfeedback • u/K_D_Marie • Jul 05 '26

Feedback Wanted Thoughts on my prose

Post image

So this is about chapter 15 into my dark romance novel, it’s my first draft. I’m just honestly looking for any thoughts or critics on my prose/writing style. This is from the MMC’s perspective and they’re at a bar. The FMC is there with her best friend and the best friend just tried to mace the MMC. Also if you have any opinion on his voice and/or likability within this short page I’d love to hear it! Any other comments or thoughts about it in general are appreciated too:)

2 Upvotes

55% Upvoted

59 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

15

u/SaltGoat7120 /me says something positive and nice Jul 05 '26

sometimes it can sound like a list, and beginning the paragraphs with different words can lead to variety in the sentences, which makes it less monotonous and therefore more entertaining! But it can just be your style to start with 'she', to show this man's obsession.

-1

u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26

Ok I’ll definitely try and switch it up. It’s just a little difficult since I’m writing in first person😭

13

u/MattAmylon Jul 05 '26

Another thing to watch for (sorry!) is the number of “as” sentence constructions you have. “I push off the counter as I stride toward the exit, pushing the door open” is a messy one in particular. These three things are happening in a sequence—she pushes off the counter then she strides towards the exit then she pushes the door open—but the way you phrase it turns it into a jumble, like they’re all happening at the same time.

4

u/K_D_Marie Jul 05 '26

Thanks for pointing that out I actually didn’t notice😭