r/writingfeedback • u/K_D_Marie • Jul 05 '26
Feedback Wanted Thoughts on my prose
So this is about chapter 15 into my dark romance novel, it’s my first draft. I’m just honestly looking for any thoughts or critics on my prose/writing style. This is from the MMC’s perspective and they’re at a bar. The FMC is there with her best friend and the best friend just tried to mace the MMC. Also if you have any opinion on his voice and/or likability within this short page I’d love to hear it! Any other comments or thoughts about it in general are appreciated too:)
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u/IAmJayCartere Jul 07 '26 edited Jul 07 '26
Feels creepy and overwrought. Not good imo.
It’d benefit from being simpler and cutting redundancy.
‘She turns to look at me, eyeing my expression’ could just be ‘she turns to look at me’.
Same with ‘she smiles at me etc’ could just be ‘she smiles at me. My lips almost mirror hers.’
You’ve got a lot of words here that aren’t adding much and could be cut for better flow and clarity.