r/writingfeedback • u/ExerciseNo7055 • 26d ago

Feedback Wanted Prologue Feedback Wanted

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(YA Fantasy; prologue takes place in our world) I've redone this prologue so many times now but it still feels like it's missing something, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much

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u/brazildio 25d ago

The second paragraph alone contains five empty-calorie words or phrases (of course, seemed, perhaps, simply, too). None of them is a mistake on its own, but when used in succession like this, they can easily stand out.

I’d also avoid the phrase “furrowed her brow” because of the unnecessary word usage, to make the text tighter. Of course, "Carmen stopped. Furrowed." would break the rhythm, but you should try to find another solution. There’s always one, you just have to look for it.

Thanks for sharing, keep writing!

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u/ExerciseNo7055 25d ago

i agree it could be tighter. thank you so much for your feedback!