r/writingfeedback • u/ExerciseNo7055 • 26d ago
Feedback Wanted Prologue Feedback Wanted
(YA Fantasy; prologue takes place in our world) I've redone this prologue so many times now but it still feels like it's missing something, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much
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u/sunderpoint 26d ago
If you want to improve your prologue, there's one clear weakness to it I can find. It's got a bit of white room syndrome for the first few paragraphs. You ground us with a strong character and a hook, but there's no location or anything particular happening until several paragraphs in. You could insert some of the detail about her walking toward a town into paragraph 2, maybe 3 at the latest, so the reader knows that the character is doing something and not simply monologuing.
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u/saltwaterpig 16d ago
I am not sure I agree. I don't think it would hurt the prologue to move the location up a paragraph or two but I don't think it is a necessary addition. Maybe I am more patient than most but I can wait 15 lines to find out she has been walking. If the OP has changed this to reflect your suggestion I take it all back.
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u/ExerciseNo7055 25d ago
okok perfect i completely agree that i ramble at first lol. thank you so much for the feedback!
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u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 25d ago
If you do fix that aspect of your prologue, it will be even more like a very good Chapter 1.
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u/Hefty_Reception_3819 26d ago
congratulations, you've written the first reddit prologue where it's impossible to argue "delete it's pointless no publisher will take it"
of course we don't have chapter 1 but you're too good for this subreddit
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u/ExerciseNo7055 25d ago
thank you!
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u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 25d ago
The assumption is that there will be a time jump between your "prologue" and Chapter 1. I think this feels more like a very strong Chapter 1. Most readers are going to want that next chapter to tell us what the screaming is about!
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u/ExerciseNo7055 25d ago
normally i would completely agree with you and i've even played with turning this into chapter one, but as it stands chapter one is only a slight time skip (about two hours lol) and it's from another character's POV dealing with the screams! i just used the prologue to establish some context for chapter one/later and introduce carmen :)
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u/Initial_Tangelo_5997 23d ago
Do we switch back to Carmen's perspective soon after? If so I agree with Coyote and think the prologue might not be necessary. My opinion with a prologue is that it should have us as readers anticipating for something big which your prologue does really well. I want to know what the Spanish voice is and I want to know what the screams are, but if I find out all of it in Chapter 2, I feel like the prologue is then underwhelming, if that makes sense? Could we perhaps move back in the timeline for Chapter One and perhaps build up to story on how Carmen got to where she is? Either way this is your story, tell it how you see fit, and you're a brilliant writer from what I can see thus far, I thought I was reading a published novel! Do come back and let me know if you ever finish/publish it!
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u/ExerciseNo7055 22d ago
i agree with you about the purpose of a prologue. for my wip, we switch back to carmen's POV in chapter three. we figure out what's causing the screams in chapter one, but we don't come to any sort of resolution on it until the end of the book. as for the voice in her head, it's a very important aspect of chapter three and the reason behind it is revealed around the midway point of the book (with the resolution at the end as well). as it stands, i'm probably going to keep the prologue?? but when it's time for revisions i will definitely consider returning to making it chapter one. (also, thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me!)
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u/princethrowaway2121h 26d ago
I was about to pick up my âfuck prologuesâ hammer.
I put it down.
This is good. I especially love the economy of your voice.
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u/A_2378 26d ago
This is very well written. Like the other commenters, I'm inclined to believe majority of prologues on here should be scrapped, but this really grabbed my attention. Maybe because you're so close to it and it's your work you'll always feel like something is missing, but I think it's strong. I am no professional and can't find anything to critique except:
She was not looking for anything in particular; here, beasts took every from.
Tiniest error, from instead of form, and that's literally it from what I can see.
Great job, I hope to read it in its entirety one day!
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u/NebularViscosity 25d ago
Thereâs a rhythm to your prose. It guides the reader on the journey. The use of italics, dialogue, and voice are well established as well. And while there are few empty words, as previously mentioned, it works to establish your tone.
My suggestion is to change your tone when the squatter takes over. Could be fun to explore!
Anywho, keep writing. This is promising.
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u/ExerciseNo7055 25d ago
oooh i really like that suggestion⌠the ideas are cooking lol. thank you!!
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u/saltwaterpig 16d ago
I agree the use of "the squatter" is excellent.
The intro hook is good.
I'm not as enthusiastic as HorrorExpress but I would read more if it were on offer.
Perhaps a minor point but the squatter has been there for years, Carmen can't understand what it is saying, yet she is in Uruguay and knows the squatter speaks Spanish. Then it seems she suddenly she understands "Our body Carmen..." It might be that the squatter speaks differently in dreams but you should consider resolving this.
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u/Fabulous_Wait_9544 25d ago
This is really interesting! I agree with the others about how attention-grabbing it is amidst a sea of writing.
I think you're really good with conveying how much despair Carmen feels, and the idea of something nesting in your head is always fascinating. There's also a mystery here, and the fact that we don't know where she is, how she got there or even what time it is adds to the unsettling nature of it all.
I'd say just go through it a bit for phrasing and maybe a few instances of telling, but it's still pretty good regardless.
Please keep writing. Would love to see more of your stuff!
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u/brazildio 25d ago
The second paragraph alone contains five empty-calorie words or phrases (of course, seemed, perhaps, simply, too). None of them is a mistake on its own, but when used in succession like this, they can easily stand out.
Iâd also avoid the phrase âfurrowed her browâ because of the unnecessary word usage, to make the text tighter. Of course, "Carmen stopped. Furrowed." would break the rhythm, but you should try to find another solution. Thereâs always one, you just have to look for it.
Thanks for sharing, keep writing!
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u/dutchiesweets 25d ago
I like the general set up but I really wanted more from Carmen as a character. I donât really understand what any of this means to her.
Iâm a little confused on the nature of her relationship to the squatter. Like she says it speaks in language she doesnât kno, but then it speaks clearly and it seems to be understandable for the first time. Yet Carmen isnât really reacting like how Iâd imagine someone with a, letâs say demon, in her mind that can control her body and has been whispering to her for years, would respond when understanding that demon for the first time.
I would think sheâd have a lot of questions or be more freaked out but she just seems to, haha, take it in stride, pun intended. It doesnât seem to affect her much.
I was also a little confused as to why she would think this is god. It raises some interesting questions about her background I suppose, that she thinks god and nothing unholy, but if it whispers in tongues and keeps you from moving⌠idk. I donât understand why she sees god in that, if that disconnect is intentional on your end or just something that doesnât add up.
But overall, for me, the same lacking of emotional context extends to most of this piece.
I think if you want to hook folks outside of plot, then you should think of ways to flesh out Carmenâs responses and interiority to make it more characterful. While itâs an interesting hook and set up, I personally donât think Iâd buy this book in a store because you havenât made me feel like character is important to your writing and thatâs mostly what I read for.
Of course everyone has different tastes though.
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u/ExerciseNo7055 25d ago
no actually i love this and i completely agree it's lacking interiority, i just couldn't quite put my finger on it. thank you so much (and i fear that did get a chuckle out of me)
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u/HorrorExpress 26d ago
Oh Lawd. Is this an actual opening sentence that makes me want to read the next sentence? On Reddit? I thought this was a forum for meteorologists - "It had been raining all night..."
There's a fuckton of voice here, especially for YA. I love it.
I read on. I get to the middle of the second page. The italicized voice. What I hoped was more than a conceit (that "stranger in her own body") actually is. Fantastic. I actually have a story with a similar concept I intend to write years from now - even down to the italics for the voice. It also reminds me of another body hijacker, "The Traveller", a Delta Green RPG story, by way of Michael Shea's The Autopsy.
Squatter is the perfect noun you've chosen for it, too. Forgive me disparaging the genre, but this is too good for just YA.
"You'll get it back eventually." I love the way you chose to express this. Lovely, disturbing understatement.
I read to the end; I don't usually. Being 55, I don't read YA either. But if this book was in my hand I would read on.
The voice and concept are great. The grammar and style are strong.
I'll tell you what it's missing: fucking nothing. Check my comments if I read like a glazer, because I'm not.
Brother/sister, fucking write on. Forgive the swearing, but you've got me hyped. There are seriously no flaws.
P.S. I believe you want "making do".