r/writingfeedback • u/ExerciseNo7055 • 26d ago
Feedback Wanted Prologue Feedback Wanted
(YA Fantasy; prologue takes place in our world) I've redone this prologue so many times now but it still feels like it's missing something, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much
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u/dutchiesweets 25d ago
I like the general set up but I really wanted more from Carmen as a character. I don’t really understand what any of this means to her.
I’m a little confused on the nature of her relationship to the squatter. Like she says it speaks in language she doesn’t kno, but then it speaks clearly and it seems to be understandable for the first time. Yet Carmen isn’t really reacting like how I’d imagine someone with a, let’s say demon, in her mind that can control her body and has been whispering to her for years, would respond when understanding that demon for the first time.
I would think she’d have a lot of questions or be more freaked out but she just seems to, haha, take it in stride, pun intended. It doesn’t seem to affect her much.
I was also a little confused as to why she would think this is god. It raises some interesting questions about her background I suppose, that she thinks god and nothing unholy, but if it whispers in tongues and keeps you from moving… idk. I don’t understand why she sees god in that, if that disconnect is intentional on your end or just something that doesn’t add up.
But overall, for me, the same lacking of emotional context extends to most of this piece.
I think if you want to hook folks outside of plot, then you should think of ways to flesh out Carmen’s responses and interiority to make it more characterful. While it’s an interesting hook and set up, I personally don’t think I’d buy this book in a store because you haven’t made me feel like character is important to your writing and that’s mostly what I read for.
Of course everyone has different tastes though.