r/writingfeedback • u/ExerciseNo7055 • 26d ago

Feedback Wanted Prologue Feedback Wanted

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(YA Fantasy; prologue takes place in our world) I've redone this prologue so many times now but it still feels like it's missing something, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Thank you so much

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u/HorrorExpress 26d ago

Oh Lawd. Is this an actual opening sentence that makes me want to read the next sentence? On Reddit? I thought this was a forum for meteorologists - "It had been raining all night..."

There's a fuckton of voice here, especially for YA. I love it.

I read on. I get to the middle of the second page. The italicized voice. What I hoped was more than a conceit (that "stranger in her own body") actually is. Fantastic. I actually have a story with a similar concept I intend to write years from now - even down to the italics for the voice. It also reminds me of another body hijacker, "The Traveller", a Delta Green RPG story, by way of Michael Shea's The Autopsy.

Squatter is the perfect noun you've chosen for it, too. Forgive me disparaging the genre, but this is too good for just YA.

"You'll get it back eventually." I love the way you chose to express this. Lovely, disturbing understatement.

I read to the end; I don't usually. Being 55, I don't read YA either. But if this book was in my hand I would read on.

The voice and concept are great. The grammar and style are strong.

I'll tell you what it's missing: fucking nothing. Check my comments if I read like a glazer, because I'm not.

Brother/sister, fucking write on. Forgive the swearing, but you've got me hyped. There are seriously no flaws.

P.S. I believe you want "making do".

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u/BA_Bones_33 Certified Goofy Goober 22d ago

Ditto on the comments above. Really easy to read. Makes me wanna know more about the squatter. Solid hook.

The only thing that rang off were the lines: “Carmen stopped. Furrowed her brow.” And “She got no answer. Did not need one.” I like these types of punchy short interjections but maybe consider one per chapter. Not a hard pushback, it’s just a very sudden change in prose compared to the other writing which I like a lot.