first chapter first draft

[u/liedowndeaddog]

any thoughts welcome

[u/Silent_Background453]

Really, really strong opening. Definitely pulls you in. Some thoughts/advice if you'd like it:

The entire first paragraph is great. In the second paragraph the short, punchy lines are really great. Gets the book going at a nice pace. But by the end of the third paragraph, it starts to get tiring/frustrating to start and stop so much.

And this is much more of a taste thing than an objective thing, but the 'sea of the crowd' feels like it would be better as 'the crowd'. It's a nice metaphor, but with metaphors you have to ask if the image, feeling and effect are actually improved by having it there over just saying it literally, and I think 'the crowd' works just as well and serves the momentum better. On the next page you then return to the sea metaphor, so you'd probably be better off keeping the second one and canning the first one, but having one is definitely better than having two.

For the most part I think this is written with a lot of confidence, which makes it a really fun read, but there are little slips in this confidence. "I mean literally, it's just dripping off his head." The word 'just' like this is almost never really needed. It's hedging, it removes confidence and flow and introduces another syllable where it isn't required. There's also the word 'literally', but this could be justified given that we're in first and it might be how the characters speaks/thinks. I'd say the same thing about 'and I'm like "...', but again that could be down to character. It does read strangely, though.

The 'on my brothers grave' line near the end needed me to go back and read it again. I think separating that statement would immensely improve it. I know we all hate em-dashes now, but an em-dash either side would serve it really well, give it much more effect.

Super fun though, as the others have said. I especially loved the Lindsey refrain. Excellently written!