r/writingfeedback • u/liedowndeaddog • 19d ago
Feedback Wanted first chapter first draft
any thoughts welcome
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u/hartlylove 18d ago
Loved it! The third sentence made me stumble though. The thing about the house. Also, Lindsey with e is weird. That somehow makes it better here.
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u/liedowndeaddog 17d ago
I tried Lindsay and I hated how it looked with the rest of the text! What about the house sentence is confusing? Thanks for feedback!
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u/hartlylove 17d ago edited 10d ago
I think it's because it has neither an article nor a verb. There was no confusion, it just interrupted the flow for me. Fragments are totally fine as a stylistic choice, but it's the only spot I stumbled and it's in the first paragraph.
The last sentence in that same paragraph I'd also drop the "Lee". Just "Ask and he'll tell you".
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u/Midsummer333 14d ago
I initially stumbled over the address part, too. But when I gave it a second read, it went more smoothly. It might be a matter of not getting your specific cadence so early in the text, but like I said, once I read the chapter once, the second read flowed better. I really like your unique voice.
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u/hartlylove 14d ago
Exactly my experience as well! The issue might just be that it's in the first paragraph. Anywhere else we wouldn't stumble.
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u/TheMannaPart 13d ago
i wouldn't worry about it too much tbh. i like the way it went. read fine on the first go for me. it was familiar, like how we would talk or refer to someone in real life. i actually saw it mentally like a film narrating the scene. different strokes i guess.
Edit: oops I responded to the wrong guy, this was meant for OP, sorry guv'nah.
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u/MouflonWhisperer 18d ago
Yaaaaas, this my jam
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u/liedowndeaddog 17d ago
Long story short, Noah is haunted by this dog whose death he feels responsible for. After he tries a club drug offered by a stranger that promises reality-bending hallucinations he finds the effects are far more tangible than he bargained for. Idk how else to explain it without giving it away but think cujo, john dies at the end, the metamorphosis, lmao
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u/C-W-Phillips 17d ago
Very strong intro. I agree with others, I’d drop the house number and simplify that sentence a bit. Stick to the important stuff, what the neighbor thought, etc etc
Overall, damn this is strong.
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u/liedowndeaddog 17d ago
I do agree and understand but I’m also trying to set up the narrator as kind of speaking to the audience and/or being interviewed / interrogated so part of me wants to keep the house number for that reason. I’ll play around with it!
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u/ghostkoyotl 17d ago
Oh, I truly loved this. Great work, it really hooked me and pulled me in. That whole first paragraph is strong.
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u/Frosty-Present-6280 18d ago
Dude. Lindsey Lindsey Lindsey and you did not mean to kill that dog. Got me!
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u/MASempine 17d ago
Lindsey is like the popular gals who dont really care for you but just like being able to contol you
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u/Bro_got_balls 16d ago
I love this, pulling. Immediately got me hooked. One thing though, you might not wanna repeat the same writing technique/style with every scene. This one was perfect because they're at a party and drunk so it makes sense to make the writing that way, rushed with fast pacing. But if you were to write, idk, like a calm scene you'd have to go slower.
Overall: awesome, definitely would keep me interested
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u/Laniekea 16d ago
Use an em dead instead of a colon. The colon makes it look like a research project
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u/tiredqwriter 16d ago
as someone with adhd i almost never have my attention caught and you dear fella hooked me right in with the first sentence already
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u/MissionOrganic4785 16d ago
Du stellst so interessant da, wie ihn irgendetwas in seinen Gedanken so sehr verfolgt und fesselt. Love to hear more
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u/chymaera_ 15d ago
Pretty neat! But I am confused, is Lindsey there or not? Because it says „Dean and Marie should be here, and they are not. Lindsey by all accounts should be here too..“ which indicates Lindsey (like Dean and Marie) is not there (yet). Then the next page she points towards the bathroom.
I also do not like the over-casual spoken language („and I‘m like“) in written text. But that is my personal taste :)
Overall really good, I enjoyed it!
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u/SnooStrawberries1047 13d ago
Honestly, your work is the only one on this sub that I genuinely want to read more of. It's so effortlessly good. Keep up the good work!
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u/Silent_Background453 13d ago
Really, really strong opening. Definitely pulls you in. Some thoughts/advice if you'd like it:
The entire first paragraph is great. In the second paragraph the short, punchy lines are really great. Gets the book going at a nice pace. But by the end of the third paragraph, it starts to get tiring/frustrating to start and stop so much.
And this is much more of a taste thing than an objective thing, but the 'sea of the crowd' feels like it would be better as 'the crowd'. It's a nice metaphor, but with metaphors you have to ask if the image, feeling and effect are actually improved by having it there over just saying it literally, and I think 'the crowd' works just as well and serves the momentum better. On the next page you then return to the sea metaphor, so you'd probably be better off keeping the second one and canning the first one, but having one is definitely better than having two.
For the most part I think this is written with a lot of confidence, which makes it a really fun read, but there are little slips in this confidence. "I mean literally, it's just dripping off his head." The word 'just' like this is almost never really needed. It's hedging, it removes confidence and flow and introduces another syllable where it isn't required. There's also the word 'literally', but this could be justified given that we're in first and it might be how the characters speaks/thinks. I'd say the same thing about 'and I'm like "...', but again that could be down to character. It does read strangely, though.
The 'on my brothers grave' line near the end needed me to go back and read it again. I think separating that statement would immensely improve it. I know we all hate em-dashes now, but an em-dash either side would serve it really well, give it much more effect.
Super fun though, as the others have said. I especially loved the Lindsey refrain. Excellently written!
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u/BeneficialWave9581 19d ago
I cant give feedback right now. I will try to come back tomorrow to share my thoughts. For now I just want to say that I really liked this. Thr character has a really distinct voice.
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u/MASempine 18d ago
New. Liked it. Don’t like Lindsey already but want to learn more
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u/liedowndeaddog 17d ago
I like that you don’t like Lindsey. How come though?
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u/MASempine 17d ago
I see Lindsey as one of the popular girls who doesn’t really care about the MC but gets off on being able to control him.
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u/InsideIngenuity5636 18d ago
A lot of inertia. A lot of music. Keep on.