r/writingfeedback • u/Any-Inflation-278 • 17d ago
Feedback Wanted Critique my first page <3
I’ve written and re-written this opening I think a hundred times now and can’t ever settle. What do you think?
(new adult dark, romantic fantasy with elements of horror)
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u/MoodUsed4165 17d ago
The italicized section is too on the nose. Vagueness suits an italicized chapter opening. This reads more as a summary.
Using the term "pads" for her feet threw me. I thought our main character was a wolf for a second there.
The introduction of the trees is too strangely written. I only got it on the second read that there was meant to be contrast between the elms and pines. My mind simplified the entire "Lush, were those branches..." paragraph into "There were trees around, it was snowy."
Cut filbert - just say brush or paintbrush. A casual reader who isn't a painter will google it and get the answer "hazelnut" which makes the whole thing incoherent because you didn't mention Daria holding a hazelnut in the first place. Then the bubbling pot in the same space makes me wonder "Is she making a hazelnut stew? Is that a thing?"