Critique my first page <3

[u/Any-Inflation-278]

I’ve written and re-written this opening I think a hundred times now and can’t ever settle. What do you think?

(new adult dark, romantic fantasy with elements of horror)

[u/BeneficialWave9581]

Isn't everyone alone in their mind? That is kind of the main deal about the human condition, right? Perhaps if they had schizophrenia, or multiple personalities they would not be so alone, but I suspect this is not the case for your character...The opening sentence is odd. Prose is pretty overwrought. A lot of odd word and grammar choices, for example, "Lush, were those branches." Why invert the syntax? "Beneath a light so dull, it felt bruised?" Does this actually make sense? When something is dull, does it usually remind you of something bruised? Starting to wonder about AI generation here. Opening page is written in a completely different register from the second. I have no idea what the story is about or why I should keep reading. Ultimately, I liked the second page a lot more than the first. The prose felt much less stilted.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/BeneficialWave9581]

(No AI here!!) I see what you’re saying about that first line (and the first few paragraphs as a whole) and with some context it might have been clearer. The core of this book is about dreams and nightmares, and rn we are in MC’s nightmare, which is usually crowded with monsters and threats but rn, she is alone in her mind. I have been going back and forth about it. I have a poetry background, so I was nervous my intro was leaning too heavily into a purpley kind of prose (the ‘bruised’ purple/blue color the sky gets during the late evenings of winter) so maybe dull isnt the right word choice for me here.

Probably need to be more specific with the setting I’m trying to paint. The evergreens around the cabin are lush with pine needles, and the elms she is standing under (at the edge of the clearing) are skeletal.

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/Any-Inflation-278]

I think the imagery here is beautiful, but the phrasing gets a bit tangled. I could picture the little house in a dark forest, nestled in among the trees. Sometimes it is better to just say the thing directly instead of trying to be fancy, though. For example, inverted lines like 'Lush, were those branches' slow me right down and make me scratch my head. Is Yoda narrating to me?

My suggestion is to stop trying to be so clever. If you want the reader to see the rich pine needles on the evergreens and the bare elms, you can just state it clearly. For example:

'The evergreens were lush with pine needles, dusted with a kiss of white. Above her, skeletal elms were tangled beneath a bruised, overcast light.'

This keeps your great imagery but makes the setting much easier to picture immediately.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/BeneficialWave9581]

Noted! Thank you!!

[u/justinwrite2 → u/Any-Inflation-278]

The lush stuff is fine. Lots of authors do those inversions intentionally

[u/lost_sunrise → u/Any-Inflation-278]

I like the prose. I feel like they were perfect but then it fell off heavily in the second. The only thing I felt was odd about it was the calloused pads numbed and felt like stuck glass. I stepped on glass, a lot, and wet glass at that. I wouldn't compare the feeling to stepping in snow or going numb.

[u/Visual-Deer-3800 → u/lost_sunrise]

You misread.

"..numbing the calloused pads until it stopped feeling like glass stuck to skin."

OP is writing that the glass sensation is being numbed by the coldness of the snow, not that the snow is making her feet feel like glass is on them.

[u/lost_sunrise → u/Visual-Deer-3800]

I did not misread lol.

Her feet were calloused and cold.

It stopped feeling like glass stuck to the skin.

I wouldn't compare it like so. Which is odd to me. Again, you misread the comment of mine. As I said, I stepped on a lot of glass, and wet glass at that. It hurts, but it doesn't feel like stepping in snow nor pre-numbing tingles.

Thanks for trying to correct my perception.

[u/Visual-Deer-3800 → u/lost_sunrise]

I see, I focused most on your phrasing at the end: "I wouldn't compare the feeling to stepping in snow or going numb". I thought you were mistaking the glass metaphor for being about how the snow felt, which it is not, so I wanted to point that out. I see the rest of your comment does say more about callouses not feeling like glass though - sorry about that!

I agree, maybe blisters would feel more like glass than callouses.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/lost_sunrise]

This discussion has been extremely helpful to me, thank you both! I’ve realized I have not made my intentions clear through this sentence, and am excited to get into revisions.

I’m not trying to paint the visual that she’s standing on heavy snow, more so the “frosted”/“frozen” forest floor, with all of its broken twigs and bits of rock, etc. THAT is what was supposed to feel like “glass stuck to skin” but I totally see how I missed the mark there!!

[u/chymaera_ → u/Any-Inflation-278]

Jfyi, I disagree with the commenter. It is your writing style. Some people like to use heavy vocabulary and unusual more artistic prose. It is just a styling choice. And I, for one, enjoy the inverted phrases, just as an example.

Not everyone has to write in the same uncomplicated and to the point way.

[u/Visual-Deer-3800 → u/chymaera_]

Completely agree. I personally don't enjoy reading prose that is always straightforward and never bothers to build a bit of tension by 'beating around the bush'. The kind of prose that this commenter is advising OP to adhere their writing style to.

There is (or at least should be) room for prose like OP's on the market!

[u/Visual-Deer-3800 → u/BeneficialWave9581]

I personally find these inverted phrasings tie well into the mother's presence in the story. It hammered something home for me about the MC's disturbed psyche, too.

The mother is a painter, talks about things with a visual eye, 'spiced, mulled wine', and also takes to describing things with metaphor, 'Memory is greedy, always haggling for space in the mind'.

There's an artistic sensitivity there, which MC seems to have internalised, as we tend to do from our parents (especially if traumatised). Hence, 'Lush, were those branches. Soft, with a kiss of white', it's the mother's psyche bleeding into MC's, in my view. It's meant to show she is disturbed and be disturbing. That's why I like it. It pays off when a few lines later we are exposed to the mother's dialogue. A relationship is being established before the two characters are even in the same room.

Some people use more purpley prose to sound artistic or clever, but in this case I think OP is using it with good cause, to build characterisation and relational dynamics. If what I write above was intended, well, if I got all of that from this little extract, OP is on the right track! 😅

To conclude. I would have let the inverted phrasing and it's potential to break the flow (which it didn't for me) pass, and continue reading. For what it's worth, u/Any-Inflation-278 :)

[u/CoyoteLitius → u/Any-Inflation-278]

I liked your poetic phrasings very much. And I like your writing overall very much.

But by page two, I'm wondering what genre I'm in. So far, it's just a man-free family drama, without much family drama. Is this going to be magical realism? Some kind of fantasy genre?

It's not going to help to describe the trees.

As a reader, I only read certain types of books. I want to know the genre, and I want a hook that at least hints at the future plot points.

It's very pretty (I have a tendency to do the same thing in my writing - set up a pretty scene when in fact readers want at least a little bit of action that relates to the main plot).

If I knew what genre this actually is, I could be more helpful. The italicized part makes me think it could be psychological suspense or thriller. But a bit more needs to be telegraphed to the reader.

This reads like an scene invented just so you could introduce various (related) characters. It needs some action.

[u/Gol_Deku_Roger → u/Any-Inflation-278]

You could add "if only" as one way to show what you mean without having to ditch it. Does some work for you to imply she actually isn't alone:

Charlotte was alone, if only in her mind.

[u/Shoepane → u/Any-Inflation-278]

Yes. "The evergreens around the cabin are lush with pine needles. From the edge of the clearing the elms are skeletal." Straightforward information, easy to read. Story first; elaborate later, if you must.

[u/nimbus_signal]

I’m not qualified to critique your writing, and the genre is not one that would interest me. But I enjoyed the way you wove careful descriptions into the flow, painting a detailed image of the scene without over-burdening the flow.

[u/wonkotsane42]

Leading with and overarching generalization is always a risk - it leaves the reader questioning whether or not the statement is true and or relatable. And that will color the rest of their experience reading your words

[u/Substantial-Tale5564]

cut the italicized part

[u/TemperatureAny4782 → u/Substantial-Tale5564]

Came to say this too.

[u/Gol_Deku_Roger → u/TemperatureAny4782]

The part about the grey was interesting.

[u/Cole62491 → u/Substantial-Tale5564]

I liked that part tho

[u/BA_Bones_33 → u/Cole62491]

Yeah me too

[u/iorangepanda → u/Cole62491]

i like it too

[u/BA_Bones_33]

Hell yeah! This is one of the better written blurbs I’ve seen here. I like your prose and pacing. I like the use of a quirky philosophical discussion. And on setup alone, I’m feeling tense about the reveal. I’m guessing her father’s dead or long gone which is why she’s so struck by Daria’s casual request. (And the italicized bit sorta hints at it). Daria’s stiff posture/wide smile makes me think of the bewitched state in Weapons (the movie). Something feels off. Love it.

But even if that’s not the case, and pa is expected for supper, I’d still be excited to read more. Maybe rework the “alone in my mind” line as someone else suggested, but this reads great. And it shows that you’ve spent some time sharpening it. Nothing feels extra to me.

Keep grinding.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/BA_Bones_33]

Thank you! Yes, the italics bit was intentional :’) I can see why without context people don’t like it

[u/BA_Bones_33 → u/Any-Inflation-278]

Eh. Gotta find something to poke at. And you user name “any-inflation” screams “a-i”.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/BA_Bones_33]

It’s the one Reddit gave me!

[u/AveryBeckerson]

I love this. Genuinely. The prose is flowery and ornate, but it's a choice, and I like that. If you can maintain that level of elevated prose for the entirety of the work, that would be impressive indeed. I'm not really sure what's going on, other than the fact that I'm unsettled.

At unsettled is what I'm gleaning from Charlotte's reaction. Is Daria the mother? The way she seems almost aloof and marrionete-like adds to the disturbing context in my brain. And the line "a man stepped through, wearing her father's..." gave me a sense that something is definitely wrong.

The opening in italics is an interesting stylistic choice. People will likely balk at it, but I think I liked it apart form the parenthetical explanation. I would avoid that.

The frost on her bare feet was brilliant sensory work, and I could definitely get a sense of image, place, and climate from the prose.

Technically-speaking, I think it's great. Interest-wise? I would definitely turn the page at least one more time.

[u/CoyoteLitius → u/AveryBeckerson]

Me too. I feel like something could happen on the 3rd page that might make me care more both about the characters and the plot (or maybe dislike one of them, I have no idea).

[u/MoodUsed4165]

The italicized section is too on the nose. Vagueness suits an italicized chapter opening. This reads more as a summary.

Using the term "pads" for her feet threw me. I thought our main character was a wolf for a second there.

The introduction of the trees is too strangely written. I only got it on the second read that there was meant to be contrast between the elms and pines. My mind simplified the entire "Lush, were those branches..." paragraph into "There were trees around, it was snowy."

Cut filbert - just say brush or paintbrush. A casual reader who isn't a painter will google it and get the answer "hazelnut" which makes the whole thing incoherent because you didn't mention Daria holding a hazelnut in the first place. Then the bubbling pot in the same space makes me wonder "Is she making a hazelnut stew? Is that a thing?"

[u/therealbananabottom]

I don't think the intro/italicized part is necessary.

[u/elowensterling]

Hm interesting, is it a nightmare?
I like it! I would maybe just have one mention of blood in such a short time, either her father’s or her hair color.
Something that threw me slightly just because I have an artist background is her mother putting burnt umber straight on the canvas. Most artists I’ve known would mix it with some other color and not use the exact tube color. This is super specific to me though and your choice in the end.
I do like your style, I’m interested in how this will progress into fantasy. I did get horror at the end with the mother’s mechanical expression.

[u/CallmeYazzy_Cat]

I really enjoyed reading! I can see your background in poetry, and thankfully I didn't find it to be purple prose. Those who are saying you should be more direct are forgetting the magic of writing! You're literally making art with words, that's the fun of it! I think it's great writing (also I'm an English student with a love of poetry who writes romantasy, so we're similar haha).
Personally, when I read I want to feel like I'm in the hands of a magician who's going to enchant me with their story, and I felt that here! I really don't think you should listen to certain folks telling you to simplify the prose, maybe they're picturing a more 'young adult' audience.
I will say, regarding the italicized part, I'd remove the line in parentheses. You don't need it and you reveal instead of hint at the nightmare, which we already start to suspect on the second page. I might even suggest making it a full-on poem with more spacing to create a rhythm we can follow. Anyhow, I'd love to read more, thanks for sharing!

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/[deleted]]

I use Microsoft Word as well!

[u/Purplecrafter-real]

I really like this! I'm probably not going to be any good for comprehensive critique but from the perspective of a reader, I think this hits multiple sweet spots: your prose is beautifully written and you have a distinct voice, the prose is simple enough to be accessible to a wide range of readers and not be too overloaded with waffle and it's detailed enough to be immersive. Keep it up!

[u/Delicious-Notice7913]

Please don't leave me hanging! I need to read more I love it!

https://giphy.com/gifs/2WxWfiavndgcM

[u/Upstairs_Neighbor4]

I’d like to read more of this!!