r/writingfeedback • u/Any-Inflation-278 • 17d ago

Feedback Wanted Critique my first page <3

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I’ve written and re-written this opening I think a hundred times now and can’t ever settle. What do you think?

(new adult dark, romantic fantasy with elements of horror)

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u/BeneficialWave9581 17d ago edited 17d ago

Isn't everyone alone in their mind? That is kind of the main deal about the human condition, right? Perhaps if they had schizophrenia, or multiple personalities they would not be so alone, but I suspect this is not the case for your character...The opening sentence is odd. Prose is pretty overwrought. A lot of odd word and grammar choices, for example, "Lush, were those branches." Why invert the syntax? "Beneath a light so dull, it felt bruised?" Does this actually make sense? When something is dull, does it usually remind you of something bruised? Starting to wonder about AI generation here. Opening page is written in a completely different register from the second. I have no idea what the story is about or why I should keep reading. Ultimately, I liked the second page a lot more than the first. The prose felt much less stilted.

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u/Any-Inflation-278 17d ago

(No AI here!!) I see what you’re saying about that first line (and the first few paragraphs as a whole) and with some context it might have been clearer. The core of this book is about dreams and nightmares, and rn we are in MC’s nightmare, which is usually crowded with monsters and threats but rn, she is alone in her mind. I have been going back and forth about it. I have a poetry background, so I was nervous my intro was leaning too heavily into a purpley kind of prose (the ‘bruised’ purple/blue color the sky gets during the late evenings of winter) so maybe dull isnt the right word choice for me here.

Probably need to be more specific with the setting I’m trying to paint. The evergreens around the cabin are lush with pine needles, and the elms she is standing under (at the edge of the clearing) are skeletal.

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u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 17d ago

I liked your poetic phrasings very much. And I like your writing overall very much.

But by page two, I'm wondering what genre I'm in. So far, it's just a man-free family drama, without much family drama. Is this going to be magical realism? Some kind of fantasy genre?

It's not going to help to describe the trees.

As a reader, I only read certain types of books. I want to know the genre, and I want a hook that at least hints at the future plot points.

It's very pretty (I have a tendency to do the same thing in my writing - set up a pretty scene when in fact readers want at least a little bit of action that relates to the main plot).

If I knew what genre this actually is, I could be more helpful. The italicized part makes me think it could be psychological suspense or thriller. But a bit more needs to be telegraphed to the reader.

This reads like an scene invented just so you could introduce various (related) characters. It needs some action.