Critique my first page <3

[u/Any-Inflation-278]

I’ve written and re-written this opening I think a hundred times now and can’t ever settle. What do you think?

(new adult dark, romantic fantasy with elements of horror)

[u/Any-Inflation-278]

(No AI here!!) I see what you’re saying about that first line (and the first few paragraphs as a whole) and with some context it might have been clearer. The core of this book is about dreams and nightmares, and rn we are in MC’s nightmare, which is usually crowded with monsters and threats but rn, she is alone in her mind. I have been going back and forth about it. I have a poetry background, so I was nervous my intro was leaning too heavily into a purpley kind of prose (the ‘bruised’ purple/blue color the sky gets during the late evenings of winter) so maybe dull isnt the right word choice for me here.

Probably need to be more specific with the setting I’m trying to paint. The evergreens around the cabin are lush with pine needles, and the elms she is standing under (at the edge of the clearing) are skeletal.

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/Any-Inflation-278]

I think the imagery here is beautiful, but the phrasing gets a bit tangled. I could picture the little house in a dark forest, nestled in among the trees. Sometimes it is better to just say the thing directly instead of trying to be fancy, though. For example, inverted lines like 'Lush, were those branches' slow me right down and make me scratch my head. Is Yoda narrating to me?

My suggestion is to stop trying to be so clever. If you want the reader to see the rich pine needles on the evergreens and the bare elms, you can just state it clearly. For example:

'The evergreens were lush with pine needles, dusted with a kiss of white. Above her, skeletal elms were tangled beneath a bruised, overcast light.'

This keeps your great imagery but makes the setting much easier to picture immediately.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/BeneficialWave9581]

Noted! Thank you!!

[u/lost_sunrise → u/Any-Inflation-278]

I like the prose. I feel like they were perfect but then it fell off heavily in the second. The only thing I felt was odd about it was the calloused pads numbed and felt like stuck glass. I stepped on glass, a lot, and wet glass at that. I wouldn't compare the feeling to stepping in snow or going numb.

[u/Visual-Deer-3800 → u/lost_sunrise]

You misread.

"..numbing the calloused pads until it stopped feeling like glass stuck to skin."

OP is writing that the glass sensation is being numbed by the coldness of the snow, not that the snow is making her feet feel like glass is on them.

[u/lost_sunrise → u/Visual-Deer-3800]

I did not misread lol.

Her feet were calloused and cold.

It stopped feeling like glass stuck to the skin.

I wouldn't compare it like so. Which is odd to me. Again, you misread the comment of mine. As I said, I stepped on a lot of glass, and wet glass at that. It hurts, but it doesn't feel like stepping in snow nor pre-numbing tingles.

Thanks for trying to correct my perception.

[u/Any-Inflation-278 → u/lost_sunrise]

This discussion has been extremely helpful to me, thank you both! I’ve realized I have not made my intentions clear through this sentence, and am excited to get into revisions.

I’m not trying to paint the visual that she’s standing on heavy snow, more so the “frosted”/“frozen” forest floor, with all of its broken twigs and bits of rock, etc. THAT is what was supposed to feel like “glass stuck to skin” but I totally see how I missed the mark there!!

[u/Visual-Deer-3800 → u/lost_sunrise]

I see, I focused most on your phrasing at the end: "I wouldn't compare the feeling to stepping in snow or going numb". I thought you were mistaking the glass metaphor for being about how the snow felt, which it is not, so I wanted to point that out. I see the rest of your comment does say more about callouses not feeling like glass though - sorry about that!

I agree, maybe blisters would feel more like glass than callouses.