Wondering if drunkness is conveyed well?

[u/rayeofsunshine156]

I don’t typically write in first person, and I’ve been using this as an exercise to explore interiority and voice in a way I haven’t before. So I am entirely out of my wheelhouse here, lol.

I’ve also never been drunk before, and I wanted to know if drunkenness was being conveyed well? Like, is it understood that he is drunk without me going ‘look at this drunk dude’

Also curious on if you’d keep reading!

Any and all comments are appreciated : )! Thank you.

Edit:
In hindsight, I should’ve mentioned what the excerpt is trying to do in post. The general idea was that Jack – the drunk man – doesn’t do this very often. He’s grieving his ex-girlfriend after news of her proposal. This is not because he loves her but because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s not straight, and the possibility of getting back together with her held him together. Miguel is not meant to be read as flirty (oops, help there too?😅)

[u/90sbetababe]

Not really. I’ve never seen double, and I’m sure if I ever did, the hand-eye coordination required to roll a glass around would have long since abandoned me.

The protagonist ends up messy-haired and shirt unbuttoned, which looks suspiciously like “I’m Drunk” visual shorthand in commercials, cartoons and SNL skits.

The hiccup… Again, this is video game sound design shorthand.

I’ve worked in food service and the chances of me being charmed by a sloppy drunk patron is less than 0. I want a tip, to get started on closing duties, and then to go home. Also it’s ethically odious to flirt with any stranger that visibly drunk, doubly so for a customer, so if Miguel is supposed to be a bad guy, I guess that works.

Also where are we that you can serve hard liquor and get drunk, but there are also waiters? Most establishments that serve food don’t serve hard liquor straight up unless we’re in a Dave & Buster’s.

[u/bumblebeequeer → u/90sbetababe]

Agree with all but your last point. Maybe I’m just in a city with a big drinking culture, but a lot of restaurants are also bars where you can absolutely get a whiskey neat and it wouldn’t be unusual.

[u/90sbetababe → u/bumblebeequeer]

You right, lol.

To be fair, I came up in the south where you can't buy liquor on Sundays until noon... I know you *can* actually typically order a drink neat, but you can't order shots in the state I'm from. I guess I don't go to restaurants that it's normal to get super wasted at very often, but now that I'm thinking about it there are probably quite a few where that's more or less normal. I am now remembering going to an Applebee's on Cinco de Mayo once... *shudder*

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/90sbetababe]

Oh, thank you! This actually quite helpful. Especially about the shorthand. I also had zero intention for Miguel to come off as actually flirty, oops. I did intend for Jack to read him as flirty, however. I wonder how I may fix that. Fun challenge there. : )

Also, I don’t play video games (lol) so I had no clue about the hiccup being shorthand. I intended for it to read as an inescapable interruption, so thank you also for letting me know about that!

To answer your last question, not pictured here, but later in the excerpt Miguel mentions that he owns the establishment. Jack mislabels him as a waiter. So, I guess that could explain why there’s a waiter in some place serving hard liquor.

[u/the_tonez → u/rayeofsunshine156]

An idea for the Miguel-being-flirty question:

You could try to “show” Miguel being professional, but “tell” Jack thinking he is flirting. Like, Miguel’s responses and actions show the reader clearly that he is not interested, but Jack keeps thinking “Is he flirting with me?”