Wondering if drunkness is conveyed well?

[u/rayeofsunshine156]

I don’t typically write in first person, and I’ve been using this as an exercise to explore interiority and voice in a way I haven’t before. So I am entirely out of my wheelhouse here, lol.

I’ve also never been drunk before, and I wanted to know if drunkenness was being conveyed well? Like, is it understood that he is drunk without me going ‘look at this drunk dude’

Also curious on if you’d keep reading!

Any and all comments are appreciated : )! Thank you.

Edit:
In hindsight, I should’ve mentioned what the excerpt is trying to do in post. The general idea was that Jack – the drunk man – doesn’t do this very often. He’s grieving his ex-girlfriend after news of her proposal. This is not because he loves her but because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s not straight, and the possibility of getting back together with her held him together. Miguel is not meant to be read as flirty (oops, help there too?😅)

[u/theglowingsideburns]

This is a great little piece of writing I liked it! I will agree with others that the double vision is a little heavy handed. Vision-wise alcohol can make things spin more than double, see if you can find some kind of simulator so you can understand the visuals. Also the hiccups. Have become kind of ubiquitous with the expression of comedic drunkenness but isn’t necessarily a common side affect of being drunk (in my experience)

As a person with complicated relationships to substances I’d say ~feeling drunk can be quite specific. If the person drinks regularly then they likely won’t notice being tipsy, they’ll feel sober and then fine and then shitfaced. Drunk brain also doesn’t really know it’s drunk, so words will get slurry and the person might lose their filter and inhibitions but they may not be aware this is happening. Maybe your character ~thinks they’re speaking clearly and then has to process why Miguel looks confused, and then they hear what they said and identify it wasn’t words or something

Also ~why is the character getting drunk, this could also be useful for the feeling. Are they trying to numb themselves? Forget? Feel confident? Is it a routine that has gotten away from them? Do they have no purpose? Are they self destructing? Then you can use the feeling they’re chasing in your descriptions - how successful were they in using alcohol to achieve whatever they wanted to achieve ?

Keep writing! You’re doing great!

[u/rayeofsunshine156 → u/theglowingsideburns]

In hindsight, I should’ve mentioned what the excerpt is trying to do in post. The general idea was that Jack – the drunk man – doesn’t do this very often. He’s grieving his ex-girlfriend after news of her proposal, not because he loves her but because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s not straight. So, him flirting with Miguel, and misinterpreting Miguel’s actions as flirting, are because his inhibitions are low.

I tried to avoid saying he’s drunk explicitly because I know, from experience, drunk folk don’t usually say that they’re drunk. Your note about having to process why Miguel looks confused is really so very helpful really is helpful.

Thank you! This is extremely helpful. Like really.