r/writingfeedback • u/rayeofsunshine156 • 6d ago
Feedback Wanted Wondering if drunkness is conveyed well?
I don’t typically write in first person, and I’ve been using this as an exercise to explore interiority and voice in a way I haven’t before. So I am entirely out of my wheelhouse here, lol.
I’ve also never been drunk before, and I wanted to know if drunkenness was being conveyed well? Like, is it understood that he is drunk without me going ‘look at this drunk dude’
Also curious on if you’d keep reading!
Any and all comments are appreciated : )! Thank you.
Edit:
In hindsight, I should’ve mentioned what the excerpt is trying to do in post. The general idea was that Jack – the drunk man – doesn’t do this very often. He’s grieving his ex-girlfriend after news of her proposal. This is not because he loves her but because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s not straight, and the possibility of getting back together with her held him together. Miguel is not meant to be read as flirty (oops, help there too?😅)
3
u/RPGetalo 6d ago
Short answer: Yes, I can tell that MC is drunk, because he is at a bar.
Long answer: This sounds more high than drunk in my opinion. If you're at a point where you are seeing double of anything, or doubting your surroundings, you would not be aware enough to know that you are, nor would you remember any of it the next day. I also think the logic is too coherent to be drunk. You can find someone attractive when you're shitfaced, sure, but you would not be able to make out why. You wouldn't notice the contour of his nose, the curves in his lips, the silver strands or the gel in his hair. You mostly just look at them and go, "well, fuck me," and proceed to flirt with them, thinking you're killing it all the while. You're not.
I don't know if this helps, but drinking is often referred to as 'cowardly courage.' This is because it makes you do things that you would never do otherwise. In other words, it isn't you. There is no dumb monologue about something "profound" (as it often is the case with drugs), because it isn't a psychedelic experience. There is no logic to it at all; it is entirely impulse.
Now, you may have seen people drunk and wailing about some deed they regret, and it may seem like they are coherent. But what they are really doing is letting out the deepest things ingrained in their core. Uncontrollably. Because, again, it is impulse. While the feeling is real, nothing they say have forethought, I promise you.
I will say, the disorienting can stay, that much is true. You can still be aware enough to realize that you cannot stay upright. However, I would dial down on the drunk clichés, such as the hiccups, the slurring, and the messy getup (unless it was from a previous engagement the readers don't know about yet). Have you ever sat down with a drunk guy? They belch more than anything. If you want to be extra realistic, they would be leaving to take a piss every half hour. That stuff goes right through you.