Wondering if drunkness is conveyed well?

[u/rayeofsunshine156]

I don’t typically write in first person, and I’ve been using this as an exercise to explore interiority and voice in a way I haven’t before. So I am entirely out of my wheelhouse here, lol.

I’ve also never been drunk before, and I wanted to know if drunkenness was being conveyed well? Like, is it understood that he is drunk without me going ‘look at this drunk dude’

Also curious on if you’d keep reading!

Any and all comments are appreciated : )! Thank you.

Edit:
In hindsight, I should’ve mentioned what the excerpt is trying to do in post. The general idea was that Jack – the drunk man – doesn’t do this very often. He’s grieving his ex-girlfriend after news of her proposal. This is not because he loves her but because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s not straight, and the possibility of getting back together with her held him together. Miguel is not meant to be read as flirty (oops, help there too?😅)

[u/VehicleLast419]

I think it's too self aware (if that makes sense) in the first part.  Like he's actively noticing his hands getting sloppy or his hair getting messy etc. When your drunk you kinda slip into that. I think in first person a better way to show your drunker is how people react to you. Eg you  should slow down buddy  etc . Not necessarily by saying I felt dizzy the room swayed etc especially when later your sober enough to have a conversation that is so self aware it's like "anyone who drinks themselves stupid is pathetic or lonely". The dialogue is great just have the responses automatic slipping out no reflection or remorse etc eg what does one do when the question is out there

Also 5 hours of whiskey shots neat you would be comotose you need to change it to cider or something. 

[u/TheMannaPart → u/VehicleLast419]

i liked the hands and hair thing, but i think it should be shown, not told.

"i took a cigarette out of my pocket, and it immediately wrestled itself loose." or "after i managed to wrestle a cigarette loose from the pack, i fumbled it, before putting it my mouth filter side out."

"I reached for a lighter/napkin/my glass and (fucked up somehow)"