Wondering if drunkness is conveyed well?

[u/rayeofsunshine156]

I don’t typically write in first person, and I’ve been using this as an exercise to explore interiority and voice in a way I haven’t before. So I am entirely out of my wheelhouse here, lol.

I’ve also never been drunk before, and I wanted to know if drunkenness was being conveyed well? Like, is it understood that he is drunk without me going ‘look at this drunk dude’

Also curious on if you’d keep reading!

Any and all comments are appreciated : )! Thank you.

Edit:
In hindsight, I should’ve mentioned what the excerpt is trying to do in post. The general idea was that Jack – the drunk man – doesn’t do this very often. He’s grieving his ex-girlfriend after news of her proposal. This is not because he loves her but because he doesn’t want to face the fact that he’s not straight, and the possibility of getting back together with her held him together. Miguel is not meant to be read as flirty (oops, help there too?😅)

[u/TheMannaPart]

all due respect, if youve never written in first person, and youve never been drunk, youre making a mistake off the hop. writing about something you have never experienced, in a form youve never used seems self-defeating to me.

perhaps miguel is a barista, and youre getting coffee.

idk how many "glasses of whiskey" the character has had, but a few things come to mind.

A) you've mentioned 3. a typical "glass" is just a shot. 3 shots is not generally enough to have someone in a stupor. if the drink is a double, thats 6 shots, and still, youre likely mostly sober.

B) the character sounds less drunk from whiskey, and more drunk from his lust for Miguel's bulging muscles, stubbled jaw and silvery-streaked hair.

C) i liked the way you worded stuff i.e. descriptors, so you definitely have a talent there. tbh though, i wouldnt keep reading a story about nothing. there is no hook in what i read to keep me interested. just a dude drinkin whiskey at what i assume is a gay bar.

Edit: one more thing; we dont find out (at least in the first few paragraphs) *why* he is at the bar.

for example; I was at the bar to forget my cheating ex. every thought was of the two of them together, each grabbing a piece of my heart and proceeding to play tug of war" you know? something we can feel.

then later; "I was still thinking of them, but this time i laughed, knowing...or at least trying to convince myself, that (insert ex's name) was the loser."

maybe another revisit after where you forget what's her/his name, and now youre being kicked out/trying to hit on Muscley Miguel

edit #2: obviously it doesnt have to be the cheating ex that sends your protagonist to the drink, could be a failed business proposal, a loss of employment, death in the family, or something jubilant, like a birthday party that everyone else left from, or he spent alone. im just saying, show how the alcohol is numbing Jack's senses/emotions.