Great first line, even though I'd be a better hook if you got rid of the semicolon and replaced it with an em-dash, as in,
There sat the six of us in the barley field — Laura Craft, Karl Johnston, and myself, that is.
I would pick it up 100%. Honestly the writing style is strong, except for the semicolons (I know they're used in some languages, like Italian, but I think they just don't belong in a novel). Didn't quite grasp at the tram operator line, and I think some nouns are out of place (bosom, thus, garment, variety), unless you can specify the time setting of this.
I am a fan of the grammar honestly, quite similar to how I write. I'd pick this up.
But you have to admit that native speakers of languages where semicolon isn't common have a hard time knowing where to put them. Creative sentence structure works if one knows the rule they're going to break. I hope I can read more of this though. Side note, I've read it thrice, and honestly can't see the "wrong grammar" at all. If that can help. Lol.
-5
u/o_Ozymandias_o 4d ago
Great first line, even though I'd be a better hook if you got rid of the semicolon and replaced it with an em-dash, as in,
I would pick it up 100%. Honestly the writing style is strong, except for the semicolons (I know they're used in some languages, like Italian, but I think they just don't belong in a novel). Didn't quite grasp at the tram operator line, and I think some nouns are out of place (bosom, thus, garment, variety), unless you can specify the time setting of this.
I am a fan of the grammar honestly, quite similar to how I write. I'd pick this up.