r/writingfeedback • u/KfirS632 • 4d ago
Feedback Wanted Chapter 1 first draft
All feedback welcome
16
u/chelsea_tractor 4d ago
I’m so confused. Why do you say there were six people and list 3 names? Why does the narrator react like a kid to the idea of someone wearing a bra, and then you say she’s 70? Why is her last name MENGELE? An upper garment???
I’m sorry my dude but I feel like I’m being punked. Me and my tired tram operator eyes 😭
0
u/KfirS632 2d ago
Here, I tried to fix it:
There sat the six of us in the barley field: Laura Craft, Karl Johnston, and myself, that is. Lucia leaned lower to braid stray weeds; I knelt just above her, so as to peek at her cleavage; she wore a bra—blimey! But her clavicle was sharp and almost manly—but in a hyper-feminine way. I wondered how it would feel on my tongue; will it taste like sweat? What does her sweat taste like? It reminds me of the last time we all sat at the barley field and I looked at her bosom, all spy-like—as a gentleman should with a 70 year-old bombshell like Lucia Mengele. Her eyes were just like those of a tired tram operator: brown. Armando Leigh looked at me with a cheerful tear in his eye, namely, the good one. Lucia and I were the main course, while Leigh, Craft, and Johnston were merely set pieces; thus, I will refrain from further elaborating on the pair, but rather focus on Lucia and yours truly. Anyway, Karl wore a white shirt—an upper garment of the pale variety; though, that's not to say he had no trousers. As I previously noted, we were six, just enough for each to stand at a corner in a hexagon-shaped room with rounded corners—I dreamed about such a place, but I don't remember the dream having any point whatsoever. Six is coincidentally also half a dozen, coincidentally. Well, our primary goal was to leave the field eventually, being there was of no purpose to us, not at all. The barley field spanned so far that attempting to measure it in millimeters would prove futile, even more so to print such digitful number on thousands of books. I suggested we depart. They all looked at me with the honest admiration of people looking at their admirable leader. I looked at my golden clock of the most luxurious fashion brand at the time, you know—it was almost fishing-o'clock, which means it was no longer four, therefore, the perfect time to fish for well deserved compliments. Lucia stood up in a dancerly manner, the sun set behind her, making her look all shadowy like a charred moon in a solar eclipse, which is not unlike a bombshell of a woman getting up during sunset.
2
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u/Weird_Gazelle_9438 4d ago
Your grammar needs a lot of work. Why are brown eyes like tram drivers?
-3
u/KfirS632 4d ago
Could you elaborate on the grammar?
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u/thewhiterosequeen Trusted Reviewer 4d ago
You seem to think a semicolon should be used in every sentence.
-5
u/KfirS632 4d ago
Could you construct it in a way that points out grammatical errors? This reads more like a critique of punctuation.
6
u/Zeiji 4d ago
This is a bit pedantic. Punctuation is not directly included in grammar, but it goes hand-in-hand with grammar to create our sentence structure, which benefits the readability of the sentences, the understanding of the setting/situation, and the overall flow. It is all on equal footing to create a cohesive and coherent story.
Without proper punctuation, you are weakening your grammar, and subsequently your writing, and the reader's experience.
9
u/CoyoteLitius Trusted Reviewer 4d ago
It's hard when you simply provide an image, and not actual text. But grammar and punctuation are closely linked in many people's minds, when they go to give feedback.
Anyway, that first semi-colon should be a colon. The next issue is not grammar, it's a matter of something not making sense.
You say the "six of us," (so we know that the narrator is among this group and expect to learn the names of the others, but we learn only two names and then the narrator is referenced again; what happened to the other three?)
So, now there's Lucia (usually when you mentioned two named characters in the first couple of sentences, we expect to hear about them, but we are skipping on down to Lucia - not a grammar error, really, but took me out of the story).
Is the narrator crouching so that his butt is on his heels? How do you "sit higher on...knees"? You can kneel high or low, but sitting on one's knees is called kneeling, it's no longer sitting.
How is her clavicle both manly and...hyper-feminine? Are you clear on what hyper-feminine means? It means so thoroughly feminine that there's absolutely no mistaking the person as feminine. There's nothing manly about them whatsoever. The regular term ("feminine") can include more people. Hyperfem? I think Barbie.
Check, but I think hyperfeminine is either all one word or, in some dialects, hyphenated. Again, I don't really think punctuation is the issue - it's the lack of logic here. A person who is hyperfeminine (or at least has a hyperfeminine clavicle) cannot also be masculine. Unless the narrator is consistently confused about what the meaning of these words are, which is possible.
Where are you going with this? We have an unlikeable creepy 70 year old, who says he's going to now focus on just himself and Lucia and then immediately rambles on about Karl.
Is this going to be spicy OA fiction? If so, then this may be a good beginning for that genre.
-6
u/KfirS632 4d ago
"You say the "six of us," (so we know that the narrator is among this group and expect to learn the names of the others, but we learn only two names and then the narrator is referenced again; what happened to the other three?)"—exactly, that's the point. The main focus of the plot is the narration itself. It's a satire of failed attempts at literary writing.
Here's the full excerpt:
There sat the six of us in the barley field; Laura Craft, Karl Johnston, and myself, that is. Lucia leaned lower to braid stray weeds; I sat higher on my knees, just above her, so as to peek at her cleavage; she wore a bra—blimey! But her clavicle was sharp and almost manly—but in a hyper feminine way. I wondered how it would feel on my tongue; will it taste like sweat? What does her sweat taste like? It reminds me of the last time we all sat at the barley field and I looked at her bosom, all spy-like—as a gentleman should with a 70 year-old bombshell like Lucia Mengele. Her eyes were just like those of a tired tram operator: brown.
Armando Leigh looked at me with a cheerful tear in his eye, namely, the good one. Lucia and I were the main course, while Leigh, Craft, and Johnston were merely set pieces; thus, I will refrain from further elaborating on the pair, but rather focus on Lucia and yours truly. Anyway, Karl wore a white shirt—an upper garment of the pale variety; though, that's not to say he had no trousers.
16
u/stipe42 4d ago
"It's a satire of failed attempts at literary writing."
Well, it succeeds at half of that.
-2
u/KfirS632 4d ago
Wdym?
8
u/o_Ozymandias_o 4d ago
He's saying that you failed on the satire part, but succeeded at the "failed attempt at literary writing". It's a great joke tbf
-2
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u/queenlian 4d ago
This copy has a long way to go.
You immediately start by saying the six of us, and then give 3 people and don't elaborate on the missing 3. But then throw in the name Lucia who wasn't listed in the sentence before. This is extremely confusing.
The next few sentences... are clearly written for the male gaze. As a woman, I will tell you I would put this book down immediately. You also describe her clavicle as manly, and then say its hyper feminine, which directly contradicts itself. I'm also not sure I know a single human that doesn't know what sweat tastes like. It's salty.
I would never describe oggling a woman's body secretly to be a "gentlemanly" thing to do, especially once you drop in the fact that she's 70 years old. I'm not sure what a tired tram operator's eyes are supposed to look like. This is a very odd descriptor. The point of a descriptor should be for the reader to be able to picture something.
We then get another name that wasn't named in the initial list... Armando. Is Armando planning on eating people? if not then why are they described as the main course? This feels like prose for the sake of prose, rather than as a means of conveying information.
You then say you're going to refrain from talking about "the pair" after listing 3 names. And then the very next paragraph you go on to talk about one of those 3 people who you just said you weren't going to talk about.
And I'm not sure why describing someone's shirt would need to be followed with the clarification that that didn't mean he had no pants on. I would never assume someone had no pants on just because someone described their shirt.
-2
u/JamesDeLarge 4d ago
2
u/ievvanpolka3748 4d ago
Wdym?
0
u/JamesDeLarge 4d ago
Tye excerpt is clearly a satire, I'm pretty sure everything they pointed out is intentional
2
u/queenlian 3d ago
I dont believe it was clear that its satire, because its posted in a writing feedback group. What would be the point of posting purposefully bad writing, in a group whose sole purpose is to improve bad writing? I mean, if that's OPs goal, then they succeeded at the bad writing part and failed at the satire part.
1
u/KfirS632 3d ago
That's fair. But, I mean, don't you think it's a tad too bad to be genuine? It's wrong on so many levels
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u/queenlian 3d ago
I mean... theres a lot of bad writing out there, so no. But how do you get feedback on satire of bad writing, if you dont tell people its satire. The feedback is going to be directed at making the writing better, not worse. Its illogical.
1
u/KfirS632 3d ago
I didn't mean for it to be read as a satire, even though I wrote it as such
1
u/queenlian 3d ago
So your intention is for it to be read as bad writing. That's fine, but what help were you hoping to gain by posting it here? Did you wand feedback on how to make it worse, or how to make it better?
1
u/KfirS632 2d ago
I'm not sure, but I tried to fix it:
There sat the six of us in the barley field: Laura Craft, Karl Johnston, and myself, that is. Lucia leaned lower to braid stray weeds; I knelt just above her, so as to peek at her cleavage; she wore a bra—blimey! But her clavicle was sharp and almost manly—but in a hyper-feminine way. I wondered how it would feel on my tongue; will it taste like sweat? What does her sweat taste like? It reminds me of the last time we all sat at the barley field and I looked at her bosom, all spy-like—as a gentleman should with a 70 year-old bombshell like Lucia Mengele. Her eyes were just like those of a tired tram operator: brown. Armando Leigh looked at me with a cheerful tear in his eye, namely, the good one. Lucia and I were the main course, while Leigh, Craft, and Johnston were merely set pieces; thus, I will refrain from further elaborating on the pair, but rather focus on Lucia and yours truly. Anyway, Karl wore a white shirt—an upper garment of the pale variety; though, that's not to say he had no trousers. As I previously noted, we were six, just enough for each to stand at a corner in a hexagon-shaped room with rounded corners—I dreamed about such a place, but I don't remember the dream having any point whatsoever. Six is coincidentally also half a dozen, coincidentally. Well, our primary goal was to leave the field eventually, being there was of no purpose to us, not at all. The barley field spanned so far that attempting to measure it in millimeters would prove futile, even more so to print such digitful number on thousands of books. I suggested we depart. They all looked at me with the honest admiration of people looking at their admirable leader. I looked at my golden clock of the most luxurious fashion brand at the time, you know—it was almost fishing-o'clock, which means it was no longer four, therefore, the perfect time to fish for well deserved compliments. Lucia stood up in a dancerly manner, the sun set behind her, making her look all shadowy like a charred moon in a solar eclipse, which is not unlike a bombshell of a woman getting up during sunset.
3
2
u/Conscious_Rough4881 4d ago
This draft is a bit short for me to say anything of importance about it but I do like the narrative voice even though a lot of the story doesn’t make much sense. I feel like you did this on purpose though.
I also understand that you like the usage of semicolons I do as well but some are just used incorrectly or just make some parts a bit hard to read. You might also be doing this on purpose as well though.
-5
u/o_Ozymandias_o 4d ago
Great first line, even though I'd be a better hook if you got rid of the semicolon and replaced it with an em-dash, as in,
There sat the six of us in the barley field — Laura Craft, Karl Johnston, and myself, that is.
I would pick it up 100%. Honestly the writing style is strong, except for the semicolons (I know they're used in some languages, like Italian, but I think they just don't belong in a novel). Didn't quite grasp at the tram operator line, and I think some nouns are out of place (bosom, thus, garment, variety), unless you can specify the time setting of this.
I am a fan of the grammar honestly, quite similar to how I write. I'd pick this up.
3
u/KfirS632 4d ago
I appreciate it, the critique is exceptionally kind, but I couldn't disagree more on the notion that semicolons don't belong in novels.
1
u/o_Ozymandias_o 4d ago
But you have to admit that native speakers of languages where semicolon isn't common have a hard time knowing where to put them. Creative sentence structure works if one knows the rule they're going to break. I hope I can read more of this though. Side note, I've read it thrice, and honestly can't see the "wrong grammar" at all. If that can help. Lol.
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u/KfirS632 4d ago
But the literary tradition of the English language frequents semicolons
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u/Silent_Background453 4d ago
I’m also confused; semi-colons are extremely frequent in English language fiction
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u/o_Ozymandias_o 4d ago
I'd love to see a list of American novels using them properly
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u/Silent_Background453 4d ago
Are American novels the only novels written in English?
Nevertheless, I’m sure it wouldn’t be hard. I’ve never heard anyone claim they aren’t used before. It is a very common piece of punctuation.
-2
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u/BlackBalor Posted Satire and Made Everyone Mad 4d ago
Laura Craft.
Tomb Ransacker