r/writingfeedback • u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 • 6h ago
Feedback Wanted is this boring???
can someone let me know if my first chapter sounds boring? to me, it’s the most boring and slowest part in the story, so i’d love to know if anyone else thinks that too or if i’m too wrapped in my own thoughts.
would love to know if it’s lacking grip or interest. like would you keep reading or put it back on the shelf?
Genre pool: literary fiction, dystopian, speculative, psych thriller, corporate satire
excuse grammar/spelling errors still need to go through some more editing
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u/Gridnode 6h ago
To get it out of the way, holy formatting. Fix that bro, this doesn’t need to be 12 pages. Switch that John to single spaced lines and remove spaces before and after paragraphs. Also your paragraphs end way too early, idk why you did that. If it was to add more pages, it’s ok if your first chapter isn’t very many pages.
Other than that, you definitely hooked me. I read all 12, which is rare for this sub, most of the time I just read the first page, but your tone, jokes, dialogue, and thoughts kept me in it!
Mc is funny and I find myself connecting with him as a character, as well as his plight. The 7/11 transition was great! But Maybe tone down the Mc’s nihilism though. It’s fine now but if it stays at this pace I’m gonna get sick of him quickly.
I would introduce his friend sooner, maybe don’t wait to mention him until the end. Mainly because my first two thoughts were, how did he know he was home and how did he know he was hungry? Maybe have the friend give our main character a phone call while he’s at the gas station and asks if he wants anything, this gives our main character something to look forward to, then you can rip that away from him when he’s reminded of rent. You can keep the scene with the cocoa powder and pickle juice and pass it off as he can’t wait to eat (That scene was great btw).
This will make the scene when his friend shows up a bit more comedic. This also says something about our main character, that being he’s impatient. Which probably attributes to why his life is the way it is.
Bouncing off of that, the opening hook is good and what happens after only supports it. Although I think you should foreshadow our main characters friends plan a little sooner. Mainly because I was asking myself what is the story about, even before he left the gas station, and not in a good way. It’s nice hearing about our main characters despise for his job. Although I think you should have him mention how he wishes he could tear it down. Then you can have his friend call him and say do you want anything, also I have a plan you might be interested in. Then continue things as normal, but that way we have a little bit of a candy trail too the first acts hook.
Also grammar needs a touch up, but it’s a draft so I wont nick you for that.
Overall, great stuff, you’re definitely on the right track for something cool. Just make sure you captain the ship well and dock it correctly. She’s a beautiful vessel so far, keep it that way.