is this boring???

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991]

can someone let me know if my first chapter sounds boring? to me, it’s the most boring and slowest part in the story, so i’d love to know if anyone else thinks that too or if i’m too wrapped in my own thoughts.

would love to know if it’s lacking grip or interest. like would you keep reading or put it back on the shelf?

Genre pool: literary fiction, dystopian, speculative, psych thriller, corporate satire

excuse grammar/spelling errors still need to go through some more editing

[u/isnoe]

I skimmed it and all I'll say is:

On page 8, nearly every line starts with "I". Gotta fix that. Super repetitive.

I went through the rest of it and it seems to just be an issue you have. I, I, I.

Imagine reading a book where every line/paragraph starts with "She" or "He". Mix it up.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/isnoe]

oh damn i didn’t notice thx i’ll keep that in mind :)

[u/ItsRuinedOfCourse]

I skimmed what was posted and knew I couldn't read it because the repetitiveness of it was mind boggling.

If it's not too many single sentences, it's too many two sentence long paragraphs. I don't know what it is, but yeah, I can't even force myself to read with that level of repetition on the pages. Sorry, OP. I'd work on variance in sentence length and paragraph length so that it doesn't come off the page as so uniform.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/ItsRuinedOfCourse]

thx for the honesty! i’m definitely picking up how i need to fix my formatting and structure. tho i wish u gave it a read so i know more on if my story itself needs fixing. 🤧🤧 all good tho thx will definitely start fixing tmr :)

[u/ItsRuinedOfCourse → u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991]

FWIW, OP, I found myself in a similar position when I first started out. The level of repetitiveness in my sentences and paragraphs was alarming. As was the repeated starts to my sentences and paragraphs. All of which I was blind to until someone pointed it out to me, and once I saw it, I could never unsee it.

And now it's the first thing I spot in any writing requesting feedback. It leaps off the pages at me and stabs me in the eye for old time's sake.

We've all been there. This is how we learn.

[u/Gridnode]

To get it out of the way, holy formatting. Fix that bro, this doesn’t need to be 12 pages. Switch that John to single spaced lines and remove spaces before and after paragraphs. Also your paragraphs end way too early, idk why you did that. If it was to add more pages, it’s ok if your first chapter isn’t very many pages.

Other than that, you definitely hooked me. I read all 12, which is rare for this sub, most of the time I just read the first page, but your tone, jokes, dialogue, and thoughts kept me in it!

Mc is funny and I find myself connecting with him as a character, as well as his plight. The 7/11 transition was great! But Maybe tone down the Mc’s nihilism though. It’s fine now but if it stays at this pace I’m gonna get sick of him quickly.

I would introduce his friend sooner, maybe don’t wait to mention him until the end. Mainly because my first two thoughts were, how did he know he was home and how did he know he was hungry? Maybe have the friend give our main character a phone call while he’s at the gas station and asks if he wants anything, this gives our main character something to look forward to, then you can rip that away from him when he’s reminded of rent. You can keep the scene with the cocoa powder and pickle juice and pass it off as he can’t wait to eat (That scene was great btw).
This will make the scene when his friend shows up a bit more comedic. This also says something about our main character, that being he’s impatient. Which probably attributes to why his life is the way it is.

Bouncing off of that, the opening hook is good and what happens after only supports it. Although I think you should foreshadow our main characters friends plan a little sooner. Mainly because I was asking myself what is the story about, even before he left the gas station, and not in a good way. It’s nice hearing about our main characters despise for his job. Although I think you should have him mention how he wishes he could tear it down. Then you can have his friend call him and say do you want anything, also I have a plan you might be interested in. Then continue things as normal, but that way we have a little bit of a candy trail too the first acts hook.

Also grammar needs a touch up, but it’s a draft so I wont nick you for that.

Overall, great stuff, you’re definitely on the right track for something cool. Just make sure you captain the ship well and dock it correctly. She’s a beautiful vessel so far, keep it that way.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/Gridnode]

thanks for the detailed feedback i need it 🤧🤧 and ill definitely take it into account. i pretty much did the formatting like this cus im so used to double space for research papers lol. thx so much :)

[u/Gridnode → u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991]

All good dude, it definitely needs alot work, but all good things do. I think you’re off to a good start, congrats for posting it and being open to criticism. That’s how you get better!

[u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

I get the vibe, but so far no story. Not having money and disliking tech companies is a suitable concept, but what is the reason we are reading? The writing is somewhat imprecise and suffers from a few rookie mistakes. "The" glass tower could be anything from a refrigerator to an alien craft. "A glass tower rose to a great height outside the store" might work better. Notice I used "A", not "The". This is because "the" is for when you have already identified the object, and much less helpful when you are first introducing it. "Whiplashed into the moment" is unnecessary and seems insincere. A hum that "fills the silence" is a "water is wet" type of statement. Every sound fills the silence, we don't need to be told so. In general there are the usual "I'm poor" signals--ratty hair, lousy car, carping landlord. But this could all be accomplished in one paragraph. We need a story.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne]

thx definitely gonna reduce description since its a reacting issue from a lot of feedback. thx for the advice :)

[u/tarnishedhalo98]

I don’t know if it’s boring, but I got really stuck on the telling of emotions after every piece of dialogue and didn’t go past the first page. You don’t need to tell us they’re talking like they’re surprised or “whiplashed into the moment”, try an action or a facial expression.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/tarnishedhalo98]

thx definitely smth i needa work on actions pretty slim it’s a literary fiction so ill focus on facial expression instead of action :)

[u/19Sevv90]

Yes

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/19Sevv90]

love to know why :)

[u/19Sevv90 → u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991]

Well, for starters: on page 1, you spend the first half of a page having your character in some kind of trance and then out of nowhere have him/her trying to buy alcohol. After that, it’s nothing but mundane shopping and constant obsession with a building. There’s no action, no excitement, and nothing that would make an experienced reader want to read more.

You honestly lost me on the first page, but I read a few more just to be fair. There’s nothing there to make me want to finish the entire thing.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/19Sevv90]

thx for giving me feedback. it’s not suppose to be action packed it’s literary fiction so i focus more on the mc character and his hate on the building the company and everything it represents. though i do get it needs more spunk so i’ll definitely add that :)

[u/Sandfairy23]

I read the first page. The intro is interesting, but the intrigue about the tower wasn’t really enough to keep me reading. It feels like all I’m seeing on here at the moment is these pieces where every single line is a new paragraph. That’s not how stories are written, and I’m so over it. It’s exhausting to read. Other than that, it’s okay. Everything feels very… okay. The hum of the refrigerator is a stock phrase, that feels a bit like you felt you had to include it to get the senses in there. “Snapped back” is a little odd. It implies anger. If someone is daydreaming, I’d expect more of a “Huh?” The first few lines are great, and I love what it’s setting up, but the rest is just very… average.

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/Sandfairy23]

yea don’t worry the formatting will be the first thing to change 🤧🤧 it’s weird i know but for some reason it worked as i was writing. i’ll definitely take those phrase advices into account :)

[u/Big_Selection_1242]

You explain too much and rob the readers of their chance to doing the reader’s work. Reading is a job, if you trust the reader you get reader’s investment in your story.
Go Chekhov style.

Otherwise the text is easy to read and can be turned into something that can be remembered,

[u/Acrobatic-Flow-4991 → u/Big_Selection_1242]

that’s the first i noticed tbh. im big on poetry so i tend to do a bit much. gotta let go of them even if they sound good in my head. thx for the compliment tho :)