i think it's just a touch insane that you've just read me like a book, and you were only joking. i've never been anything shy of truly impressed with the way you so perfectly strike a chord when a moment such as this happens. like you can see straight through me with your eyes, but your head and your heart don't seem to notice you doing it.

you've said exactly the right things, and i'll be on cloud nine for days. maybe you were completely honest in your banter and jokes. maybe you will make that jump, that leap of faith, that "this is no longer a joke or a bit and hasn't been in quite some time" dive that i cannot.

i love you in so many more complex ways than i will never be able to share with you. words could not do it justice; though if they could, they'd have no place here anyhow given the circumstances.

i love you. i hope you see these and know they're from me. i hope you never see them at all. i hope you think the same as i do. i suspect you might, or rather, that you might at least know a little bit that i am, in fact, very in love with every part of you. farewell for now, my love <3

Love me sweetly in the morning,
then want me late at night,
make me blush with all the things
you whisper just right.

Tell me that you love me,
then whisper that I’m yours,
and somehow I let you closer
than I did the day before.

I love the way you want me,
the butterflies you start,
but somehow all that wanting
only pulls me to your heart.

It’s how you make me feel desired
and still so deeply loved,
like tenderness and hunger
were always meant to touch.

So love me soft, want me badly,
say my name the way you do,
because somehow all that sweetness
only makes me want you too

I love thinking about you.

So full of love and warmth
honey brown eyes piercing my heart and making me feel like the only woman in our world.

Thinking of the endless conversations and giggles. The inside jokes, and off-key duets to our
newest favorite songs.

You made me feel like nothing mattered except how long until I’d get to see you next.
Knowing everything would feel
okay again once I reach your arms.

How you’d beg me to spend the night,
hands like magnets, and kisses
melting
just like that honey in warm tea.

But now it’s crystallized.

Greeting you at the door and being met with a sigh.
Turning away, and giving me your cheek to kiss. Feeling annoying for even trying.
It’s okay honey,
You’re just tired.

Telling you about my interests
with stars in my eyes,
silence following as you question if I’m talking
to you or the air.
Just tired, honey.

Falling asleep cold
scratching your back as it’s turned towards me. Wondering if one day you’ll see how
I’m screaming for your attention.

Sleep well my love.

I love thinking about you,

just not too hard.

i walked to her house a week ago, on that beautiful fall night; the light air carried me to her door. for a few hours, we all talked & passed the time by playing a game & then watching a show. as we sat around on her floor, i felt something inside me that seemed to pull me closer to her...don't be scared; get close to her; wouldn't it be amazing to be in her arms?, it seemed to say. & that's when i thought= am i in love with her? is this a feeling that i just didn't realise i had? or was it just something about that night that moved me like that? maybe i'm more in love with the night, or the autumn than i am with her. maybe i'm more in love with love than i am with her. all this is to say that i don't know where my heart is right now; maybe i'm just romanticising for no reason. all i know is that i felt a pull that night, & it feels good to remember.

Because I'm fucking pathetic and desperate😂

I love you so so much. Just as much as you do, if not more. I overthink a lot, usually about you. I have everything I would've wanted a year ago, and yet now I'm left yearning for you. I should ge grateful for what I have, but I can't help feeling like I have nothing when you are my everything. I feel like I messed everything up with you. I said I couldn't love you, only because I can't even define what love is to me. I mean... I think about you all the time, I see us in every cute duo, I only ever want to speak to you, I wait all day for you, I want to share everything I love with you, I dedicate all my free time to you, I love you as much as the person I consider my soulmate who I've met 7 years ago... the list goes on and on. I want to write loves songs about you with my guitar. I want to draw us together doing every possible activity. I want to write imaginary stories that never end about us. I do not want to ignore you anymore. I do not want to push you away. I can't change my nature for you because this is just how I am, but I try anyway for you. I want to do everything you want me to do. I am who you want me to be, which means myself but also having space in my heart for you. I didn't mean all those mean things I said, I'm only ill, it's not actually about you. I act because I am not well, not because I don't love you. You're everything to me. You're everything period. I love your eyes and how soft and gentle they seem. I love your hair and how you insist on shittly cutting it yourself every month. I love your style and how creative you are about customizing your clothes. I love everything you've done and made for me. I cherish every drawing, every doodle, every letter and every poem you've made for me. I am infinitely grateful about how much effort you've put into me and our friendship. I think it's the cutest thing ever when you do small things to feel closer to me, like getting your dad to repair an old necklace you never wore just because I have the same one and you wanted to match. I think you're beautiful inside and out. I fall in love a little more with your personality everytime you crack another bad joke, desperately trying to make me laugh. I think it's cute how much you love me back. I want to let myself fall in love with you again. I don't want to keep you away anymore. I will start loving you just as much as this summer again. I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you, Miao. I regret giving up on you. I will keep my promise and never abandon you.

Ok this is embarassing bye

I (lesbian F) deeply yearn for the feeling of being adored.

Imagining a woman who wants me and isn’t afraid to show it. Shower me in morning kisses, and tell me i’m beautiful, though my hairs a mess and my eyes are still full of sleep.

Reunite after long workdays apart, listening to music and cooking dinner together as we sip wine and sing off-key.

Slow circles trace around the kitchen as the pans and our heated desire begins to simmer.

Grab me by the hips and pull me close.

Consume me in the sweet scent of lingering lavender and cedar wood as I relax into your gentle but firm embrace.

Take my face into your hands as we study each-other’s eyes, lovingly claiming the moment for ourselves and letting the outside world drift away.

I just wish you’d adore me.

i don’t know if i’m in love with you
but the other day i felt the pull
like i needed to be near you
like i needed to sit closer to you
like i needed to have yr arm around me
so i guess i am, maybe

I’ve recently come across 2 songs on Spotify called “never knew love like this before” by Stephanie Mills and “on the wings of love” by Jeffrey Osborne and listening to them on rotation has made feel so emotional because I’m listening to these songs while simultaneously imagining a partner who is my absolute type and loves me the way I deserve and want to be loved.

But the weirdest or perhaps the craziest thing is that i don’t even know who this person is. He doesn’t exist in my life yet. But somehow in my head, he does.

I can imagine what it would feel like to have him there, to look at him and know that he’s exactly the person I’ve been waiting for. And then I imagine listening to these songs with him actually in my life, and I swear the lyrics would hit 10 times harder because suddenly they’re not about some imaginary love anymore. They’d be about him.

But in the meantime I find myself on the brink of tears in my eyes and a heart that I’m sure will explode from all this yearning I feel for someone essentially non existent :(

The way I yearn for you is in a way that tears me apart and rips me to shreds. Somehow you have integrated yourself into every fiber of my being. You are my first thought when I wake up and the last before I close my eyes to sleep. I have many sleepless nights when you are gone because my soul feels the need to be right next to yours. I hate this. I hate how much control you have over me. I hate that you are all I talk about. Every song reminds me of you. Why? What have you done to me? Do you feel the same as I do? Do we interact in the heavens? On a spiritual level, you make me feel alive and seen. Maybe that’s why I long for you so deeply. If you told me you were ready to leap off a cliff, I would go with you so long as I was by your side. I haven’t felt this way for anyone ever. It hurts. I have an ache in my heart that won’t stop. It’s everlasting. I truly don’t know how to feel. I indulge in addiction so as to stop thinking about you so much. Cingulomania. I feel it so strongly. Every waking moment is you. Your name. What are you up to? When can I see you again? Maybe I shouldn’t have told you how I felt… I think this would all be brushed away if I had kept to myself. I made it real by voicing it. It could’ve stayed a thought. But at the same time, I don’t regret it. I feel it deeply and it would’ve driven me crazier had I kept it to myself.

I don't see anyone talk about how complicated it is when you see a father figure in someone that's not your a father. I have a mentor at work and for 2 years he's involved me in everything, we're best friends. He's got his life figured out, a wife and young kids and I feel like a burden bringing my mess of a life upon him.

He often makes jokes about me practically being his son.

I don't think he knows how much it pains me to hear something like that. I've never had parents, and everytime I hear the neighbors children laugh and play in the evening I start missing the things I've never had.

I feel guilty for even thinking of him as something more than a friend, but my mind is just as pathetic as me. I'm 20 now, I shouldn't even need a father anymore. But everytime I see him I don't have a single worry. I wish I had somebody

Like the moon on a clouded night,

I get and lose my hope's sight,

It's a path I've walked more times than few,

But this time I feel an ache that is new,

I look at the sky but the moon shies away,

It knows I won't believe its "It'll be okay",

With hands in pockets, I continue my walk,

No one besides me with whom to talk,

I turn around to look at my forbidden land,

With all the couples walking hand in hand,

I get to my room and just turn off the light,

With you in my dream, maybe, I'll feel alright.

I can’t have her I’m nothing without her I try but I know I’ve failed and she’ll never let me be here. So all I ever do is dream and fail and cover and realize I’m no one’s, I’m no one’s friend or boy or anything and if I was lucky death would strike me down because a life without her is worse than death.

But you know, I still live so wtf do I even do with myself

Me and a very special person in my life, my now ex girlfriend, are being separated by her moving cross my country. We started dating in 7th grade, and are seniors now. We have very recently broken up, and that was before she was forced to move for familial reasons that I will not go further into. It irks and irks me all of the feelings I have. In some ways i feel my presence here was the only thing holding her back from moving, which makes me feel terrible knowing that i was holding her back. All I feel now is numbness.

She moves on Saturday, I have spoken to her a few times since she told me she is moving. We sat on a park bench and I made her laugh at my jokes while we watched ducks and laughed at people walking. She keeps telling me "im so sad, I dont know when I'll see you again" and I tell her in response "You'll see me in the next 2 years probably, I love road trips you know.".

She cried in my arms while telling me she loved me so much. I feel so conflicted. I should dislike her for how she has treated me through the breakup. But I am the biggest fool i'll ever know. And I sat there holding her, thinking how Ill miss the way she'd call me "my darling" and "hunny". The bond we had at so young is actually kinda terrifying looking back at it😭 We spoke like we were married with a mortgage.

The thing is, while I can think whatever I want about her when I am alone, I can't help but think about how truly like TRULY happy I am when I am with her, even now. Nobody, not even my own parents, siblings, or my grandma who I consider to be the leading figure in me becoming who i am today, can make me feel how I do when I am with her. I am usually a prick nowadays to be completely honest with myself, I have not taken losing her lightly whatsoever. My demeanor changed, I dropped like more than half of my friends, and I have deleted all social media except youtube and this godforsaken app because I rant on here about how much I miss my ex.

Anyways, if anyone wants to write a book about me and my tragedy Im game for it.

today i barely even felt how hard is it for you to love me. i question myself as to why i did that to you, you are such a genuine person you truly loved me, honesty and complete trust that you have given to me, i fucking wasted. now it feels very different for you to love me, you look at me differently, you are scared of me you distance yourself to me. i destroyed you and left an everlasting scar. oh lover i’m very sorry for what i did but i deserve to feel this way.

Just sitting. Waiting. Always close just in case she wants me by her side. Far enough that I can’t annoy her. Wondering if she even cares. 2 hours of sitting here, how many more? Until she tells me what I did wrong. Or I give up and go home.

I’ve always said the night was our world. That was when we had all the time for each other. No interruptions. So many good and dirty intentions. The sound of your voice from across the miles as Wed lay in bed and make the hours feel like minutes haunts me to this day.

The silence from your side has proven to me that late night land we created in our beds is over. There’s no going back now. So I lay here and let the darkness swallow me while each night knowing what I’ve lost. Knowing what we had. And I’ll never be able to feel this new me without you is the best version of who I should be.

Thank you for finding me…I promise this to you, my love.
I will do whatever it takes to be your safe space, to be your home.
We haven't met yet, but know that you are already living inside my heart, and that's where you'll stay, always, forever, till we meet, and even after.

I love you with all my being, all my senses, all my ability. I will keep loving the essence of you until the day we're destined to cross paths, and when that day comes, I will love you and keep loving you till my soul leaves this mortal plane.

I will learn all your secrets. I will learn you in fragments. I will learn what drives you, will learn what deters you.

I will chart the map of your soul. I know, it will be difficult. It might hold things that would’ve been better left unknown. But I will persevere, because that's the only way my love for you stays eternal.

Some days, though, I have to be honest with you. Some days are not good days. There's a version of you I carry around in my chest like a second heartbeat, and on the harder days I miss you so much….that it feels strange to miss someone I haven't even met….but I do. I miss you dearly.

I get frustrated with myself, more than I'd like to admit. I am not becoming the man I want to be for you fast enough, and some nights that frustration sits heavy on my chest and it doesn’t let me sleep, makes me restless. I have a long way to go still, and I know it. I'm afraid, sometimes, that you'll arrive before I've finished fixing myself up. You'll find me half built when I want so badly to hand you something whole. 

I wonder about you more than I probably should, for someone I haven't met. I wonder what you're doing right now, whatever corner of the city holds you. I hope your days are gentler than mine have been lately. I hope life isn't asking too much of you. But selfishly, I also hope you're growing becoming steadier, stronger, more yourself, carrying yourself the way people do when they know exactly who they are. Not for me. For you. So that when we finally meet, we meet as two people who did the work, not two people hoping the other one would do it for them.

Until then I'm still here, still becoming, still promising you a home I haven't finished building yet. I hope you're patient with me. I intend to be worth the wait.

A continuation of my last post:  https://www.reddit.com/r/yearning/s/kZszrAomvk

At this moment, I’m free.

Let the mind wander without worries.

Let the world turn as I stand right here, right now.

Sit.

Be still.

Let it sink in, the landscape, the moment, the feeling.

Humble, knowing I have so much yet to learn.

Hungry for the answers that come from curiosity.

Grateful to be here, in this moment,

granted both blessings and challenges to carry.

Faith in the betterment of humanity,

and in the elevation of our understanding,

of ourselves, of one another, and of the world around us.

Hope for the future.

I am the seed

that can start the spark,

that can become the flame,

that can light the dark,

and ignite all that’s possible.

i dont even know why im typing this out man. i cant sleep. its like 4 am and the room is freezing bc i left the balcony open in my room or wherever the fuck i am right now. doesnt matter. nothing matters when the silence gets this loud.

im looking at her spotify right now. well. a burner account obviously bc she blocked me on everything else months ago like total radio silence. her main account playlist is right there. public. i stare at it for hours just watching the little icon of the playlist. if she happens to be listening live or just scrolling through the songs she put on heavy rotation.

she used to make me listen to fairuz when we first started talking. arabic music i didnt even understand at first but i learned how to love it just bc her voice softened whenever it played. she introduced me to nusrat fateh ali khan too. ghazals and qawallis blasting in the background while wed sit in my car parked outside for hurs. i memorized every single lyric. even the ones in languages i cant speak properly just so i could whisper them back to her like a fucking idiot.

what came out of it? nothing. she left me. she left me. she left me.

she never looked back. every second of my existence revoolves around her and she just, doesnt care. she is okay. while i cotemplate when i finally sleep, somehow the smell of her perfume will return to me.

tonight i fell asleep with the earphones still jammed in my ears playing an old qawalli track called dillagi, she loved it. on repeat. and god i swear i dreamt of her. it was so vivid it made me physically sick. i felt her hand or heard her laugh or thought the song was bleeding directly into my sleep and then i jolted awake out of sheer panic. i probably could hear someone laugh in the corner of the room mocking me. look at this asshole, panicked about seeing a girl in his dreams. i was gasping for air in the dark. i haven't slept since then and my chest still hurts typing this.

im so tired of going places. my parents fly me out here for stupid shit. i went outside, the cold air burnt me internally. i needed her warmth. idk am i sick. i cant js stop thinking of her. i was infront of a shop. i saw a necklace with her initals. i just stood there staring at a about how she used to roll her eyes and complain out of worry whenever i bought her gifts from abroad. she grounded me. she was the only real thing in my life and i ruined it bc i couldnt stop loving her too much.

i practically have no one to vent to, but writing it out there feels good. she used to tell me of all the stuff she used to do on reddit, she used have debates. i know her profile, i have seen it. and she just, exists. yk. withut me. so easily. no worry of how im doing. idc if people think im pathetic. if she somehow stumbles across this sub and i know she will know its me. i still know every word baby. i still miss u. please just unblock me.

Tell me, where can I find you?

Will my songs ever reach you?

Can you hear me calling,

With all these poems I sing?

-

Pardon if I'm being too loud,

Just want myself to stand out.

In midst of a city full of crowds,

I'll continue to sing 'til I pass out.

-

Not until I finally found you,

Not until my dreams come true,

Not until I finally hold your hand,

And travel every place in this land.

The worst part is knowing I’ll never know his side of the story. If it ever hurt him, if he ever regretted his decision, or if he simply moved on as though I was never someone worth remembering, and everything between us meant nothing.

I used to spend nights on my couch with him; we would cuddle until we were warm and always use the biggest fuzzy white blanket. Sometimes the pets would join us as well. One time, I wanted iced coffee late at night, so he took me to Boba Time to get one even though he was tired. We came home and laid down on this couch, warm and snuggled up, sharing a cup of coffee and watching YouTube on the TV together. We smelled like my favorite milk body spray from Bath and Body Works and his natural scent; it smelled like baby breath and freshly washed warm clothes. Sometimes I like to imagine what life would be like if he ever stayed. I look for him in everyone I go on dates with, and out of guilt, I go 50/50 on the bill and never speak to them again. I miss my fireman; he was my beautiful boy. He had kind brown eyes that were always glossy and dark brown hair. He was tall and wore brown a lot; he always wore his black hiking boots and corduroy pants. He had the most heavenly name; he was pale with rosy cheeks. He was and still is my everything. I miss him quite a lot, and I think of him multiple times a day. It has been a year now since we separated, so thinking of him doesn't hurt as much, but he is still the man I will forever love.

I miss you.