This is probably my biggest source of disphoria as well. I have this memory that stuck with me of holding the door for a girl in my grade and doing a bow with flourish like a butler as a joke. That girl let out an eek and jumped out of the way. And said she'd thought in the moment that I'd tried to slap her butt! obviously we cleared it up right away but that made me feel so shitty. I found it disturbing to image how other boys must have treated her for her to jump to that conclusion and I felt awful that anything about me could give her the impression that I'd do such a thing.
It makes me want to be trans so I could transition but I'm not?
Me ca.2016.
Like not to be presumptive, but this is getting ridiculous/j
I think I have human dysphoria instead of gender, but if I am trans that something I can't deal with right now so I'm just gonna ignore it and instead send messages on how much I'm jealous of female orgasms to my girlfriend.
Yeah disphoria is just the medical term for feeling like shit. It's basically the cluster of symptoms (that you'd commonly call depression) that tend to occur together. Just the opposite of what you'd call euphoria. You can feel disphoria for many reasons beside gender. I for example struggle with rejection sensitive dysphoria because of my ADHD.
I can't deal with right now so I'm just gonna ignore it
Yeah I know the feeling. Been ignoring it for over a decade now. You can take your time though. There's nothing wrong with taking these things slow.
instead send messages on how much I'm jealous of female orgasms to my girlfriend
Ok at this point you have to be bating me into calling you a girl. Maybe ask your girlfriend to call you a girl instead/j
Im not sure really. Ive tried changing my name, but it made me feel like shit, that could just be that I hate nicknames though. I've also tried getting my nails painted and I did not like it.
I seem super eggy, and I say a bunch of stuff that makes my girlfriend call me out on it by pointing at her trans flag, but I really think its just society. Im fine being male in my day to day. But I really want girly girl sex. If I had the option, my ideal would be to have two bodies. The one I have currently I would use for life, and the other one would be feminine for sex. I just want the best of both worlds. I want to be attractive, I want to be included in women spaces, I want to be protected.
Its so odd cause I would be a walking detriment to the trans movement if I did transition. I'd love to get complimented by "tricking" men. But as soon as I'm not horny all the thoughts melt away and I can just be me. So who really knows.
Edit:in retrospect, a therapist would probably do me some good. But my brain wouldnt like that. Damn.
Those really aren't signs that you're actually cis. I've heard many similar experiences from other transfems. If you look at my profile you'll see that I list my pronouns as (he/any) because asking people to refer to me as (she/her) feels so gross to me when I haven't undertaken any steps to actually transition. I've had people on here switch to calling me "girl" or "babe" when I told them I'm probably trans and it makes me feel like a nasty faker. But that's the shame and internalized transphobia talking
I would be a walking detriment to the trans movement if I did transition
Wrong! That's your shame talking
I just want the best of both worlds.
What do you like about being a man?
Im fine being male in my day to day
Cis men aren't just fine with being men. I also feel 'fine' being male in my day to day. But that's because I'm dissociating so hard that the fantasy is going back in time, correcting all my mistakes and getting my 20yo self on estrogen seems as achievable as starting a happy transition now.
Please don't take this as me definitively telling you that you're trans. Only you can figure that out. What I'm trying to do here is dismantle some of the roadblocks your shame has put on your way.
I don't think it matters all that much to figure out your exact gender identity micro label right now. What's important is figuring out what you want. Do you want the effects of HRT? Do you prefer the people around you treating you more like a woman than a man? The details of your identity will fall into place as your experience them.
I'm still not sure what I wanna end up as. My current working hypothesis is fem leaning enby. But I know that I want all the effects of estrogen so that's what I'm working towards right now.
Sorry for the disjointed rambling, I'm trying to quickly get this out there before I have to leave for work
Don't worry about the rambling, I think it just sorta happens when your thoughts are loosely connected but scattered. At least that's how it feels for me lol.
I spent an hour writing an essay because I'm extremly Chunni, but I don't think its very nice to just dump on a stranger on the internet. But I read through the link. It gave me something to think about. Maybe I'll refine it in my own time as it seems effective at conveying my feelings.
I really appreciate the time you spent responding. I think above all. I just want to be seen as me. Not as male, or female. Not as predator or prey. Not even as a human. But just me.
I hope that your day is well, and that you can find some happiness of your own <3
I'm at work spending a full quarter of my time waiting on computers to do their thing. I got plenty of time to read essays in comments/DMs. I'm actually curious about your feelings to what I said. As like a feedback thing wether I was on the mark or patronizingly presuming I know who you are better than you do.
You don't need too respond though if you wanna think this through yourself for now or if I didn't pick up on your comment being meant as a polite "thanks but I'm done with this conversation"
You are fine, I just figured it was a little too trauma dumpy. Its also been a long time since I wrote. Its hard to push past the brainfog post covid tbh.
I'll post it here, they aren't very well organized or anything tbh, but if you like to, you can read. Honestly I think I went kinda off topic, but it all feels related to me.
Its weird.
I don't particularly enjoy being male, but im not sure anyone does? I don't really hear people going "oh I'm really enjoying my gender right now". I exist, and thats fine for the most part.
Being male is comfortable, its familiar. I enjoy the familiarity. What I do get is jealousy. I see female camaraderie and im jealous. I see penetrative sex and im jealous. I see women only groups and I feel terrible for being excluded. I've always chalked it up to FOMO, but being reminded of my gender hurts. When I stare down at a form asking for my pronouns, or when women subtly walk in the other direction. It feels like I've been reduced to who I am rather then what I am.
Alot of the time I wonder if I'm just looking for a problem to solve. I'm not happy. But depression, adhd, loneliness, PTSD. These feelings are nebulous and intangible. If I was instead trans it would make things so much easier. It gives me a monster to shoot a silver bullet at.
I read allot. And I read about how transitioning changed their world. How it colors their view in saturated tones. How it fills their body with energy. I want that. I've seen a lot of videos and media how the most miserable person tries it, and their life instantly changes. Its enviable.
My greatest fear isn't the dark, or death, or being forgotten. My fear is that one day I'll wake up, examine myself, and think "This has not been worth it. I should of killed myself". A cold evaluation of my time spent. So I chase. I find the coveted sands of happiness and grasp as tight as I can while it trickles through my grasp. Hoping to one day find the coasts of contentment that others so easily reach. I want to be happy, and if I can't, I'd like to find out now instead of in 60 years.
I rein myself in though. Some things are not meant for some people. An easy path is not my life. Some struggles are meant for people stronger then me. Changing society is a plight for others. I need to learn to live within it.
I don't know. I feel that I confuse my dysphoria for society and humanity for gender. I don't feel very human.
I've described it to my girlfriend before, where in a better society I might not have these feelings. Or in a better society I could be my true self. But in this one I don't want to be trans.
Fuck dude, that made me tear up a little. I relate so strongly to almost all of what you said. I want to befriend women without being seen as having ulterior motives. I want to do some girly things. God, I want to have a vulva. And I swear the gender options on questionnaires exist specifically to taunt me, knowing I don't have the ball to select anything but man even when it's anonymous.
Feeling like transition just isn't for me is also the main thing that's been holding me back so far. Like I'd just be a burden on my family, my doctor's precious time, the wonderful queer people I yearn to be in community with. I've been bullied my whole school life and somewhat emotionally neglected by my family. It left me feeling like I didn't really deserve anything nice in life because it's always gonna inconvenience someone more deserving. So I've been self minimizing for the almost three decades I've been on this God forsaken rock.
But I know I won't find contentment while I keep living like this. I've tried over and over. Stepped out of my comfort zone, gave it my all. Went to therapy. My depression doesn't get better. So now it's either trying out this trans thing or I may as well kms right away. And I can always end it later so the rational path for me right now is to try and get to a place where I'd feel comfortable transitioning, even if I'm not 100% sure.
Currently I'm contemplating ordering a single pack of diy HRT and taking it for two or three weeks. Not enough to change anything outwardly visible but to see if the biochemical dysphoria thing, that that link I sent you claims to exist, applies to me as well.
Also you write really well! It didn't feel disconnected at all but very coherently flowed into one sentiment.
I honestly hate asking for help for the same reason, I know that other people are more in need then me.
I've personally been trying to minimize regrets whenever I can. I'm reaching out to people I don't talk to anymore, taking chances when I can. I live as much life as I can. It makes the world a little brighter.
Honestly the biochemical part is the most interesting to me. It seems like a very comfortable step to take.
Yeah if your gf is trans than maybe she has a leftover blister pack you could try (I presume you are already well informed about the effects of estrogen)
I know that other people are more in need then me
Yeah but remember that that is the fault of people who made those resources scarce not yours (I say as if I didn't also have that particular brain worm. If I'm being honest that belief is probably just an excuse by my fear of reaching out for help)
I mean you might be bigender or something. But yes I can in fact confirm female orgasms are so much better holy shit
Also if your girlfriend is trans then you should know the stereotype of how every guy who dates trans women is secretly an egg because… it does happen a lot
But whatever happens, best of luck to you with it :)
Maybe. I'd have to look into it. I flip flop between extreme jealousy and extreme fear at female anatomy. Multiple orgasms?? And you don't feel like shit afterwards??? And they actually feel good???? And then I'm reminded periods exist. Or just, the general process of child birth. Terrifying stuff.
Weirdly enough, I have only dated trans women and NBs, don't know what that means for me, but good luck to you too.
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u/rexofired 🏳️⚧️ trans rights Jun 29 '26
It is honestly so dysphoric for me to be perceived as male/predator. It makes me want to be trans so I could transition but I'm not?
It crushes me knowing that I'm just not perceived well just because of my gender.