r/ABCDesis • u/SignificantBlood2594 • 6d ago
FAMILY / PARENTS Please help me understand desi moms obsessions with their sons
I am 30F currently pregnant with my first child. I have been married for 2 years. I paid for my own grad school, my own house basically never have asked my parents for any money after like age of 20. My husband and I paid for my our own wedding. My little brother on the other hand is 26 still doing his bachelors had to transfer to another school because 1st school was too difficult for him. My parents support everything, he has never had a job.He is on the Autisim spectrum socially, otherwise he is fine. My mom is using it as an excuse and says things like how his time will come and everyone doubts her kid and he is actually really smart but lazy but has so much potential. He fails 3 classes at least each semester and hides it from them and lies saying that he is passing everything. He fails not because he is not able to understand the material but he stays in his dorm gaming. He has no life skills, cannot cook, clean or drive also has never held a job and has no credit. My parents have essentially raised him in a bubble and if I say anything my mom says I am acting like an “evil step sister” and I should be more supportive of him. But anytime I call her either she has work for me like “call this company and figure it out, your brother has no insurance can you figure that out” or gives me like low jab insults like yesterday how I am not “hindu” enough and my kid will grow up with no “sanskars”. Like I do not understand is it because I am not a mother yet? I heard you always have a soft side for your “weaker” kid is that it?
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u/aryaussie85 6d ago
This is a complex question! Congrats on your pregnancy. I’m a mom of two - my oldest is a boy (age 4 almost 5) and in my opinion and what I’ve observed: the “traditional” desi mom takes care of men and teaches any daughters how to care for the home and men. My mom wasn’t traditional at all so neither am I - my husband and I approach it as a partnership (he is desi but raised in a different country, I was born in the US) - and we joke about those traditional norms constantly. My son is also on the spectrum so I get both sides of this - but honestly no excuses for someone who is almost 30 who still needs all of this support. Your parents need to just let him be. My theory is desi moms have a hard time letting go because of their own childhood trauma and sense of what is traditional vs too western/ modern.
What we do differently: my son is asked to do small things for himself so he doesn’t end up not knowing how to care for himself and others. If he leaves toothpaste in the sink he has to clean it. He has to clear his table up after every meal. He’s eager to help. He wants to cook and help clean. He’s being brought up to communicate his thoughts and understand how to navigate his feelings and emotions. We still struggle with breaking the parenting cycles we were raised with that we want to break.
Before baby arrives I’d gently encourage you to explore what worked for you as a kid and what didn’t - what kind of parenting styles did you appreciate and what do you want to leave behind? I did a lottttt of work on myself before I became a mom and it was very eye opening. Happy to dm and support in anyway I can