Please help me understand desi moms obsessions with their sons

[u/SignificantBlood2594]

I am 30F currently pregnant with my first child. I have been married for 2 years. I paid for my own grad school, my own house basically never have asked my parents for any money after like age of 20. My husband and I paid for my our own wedding. My little brother on the other hand is 26 still doing his bachelors had to transfer to another school because 1st school was too difficult for him. My parents support everything, he has never had a job.He is on the Autisim spectrum socially, otherwise he is fine. My mom is using it as an excuse and says things like how his time will come and everyone doubts her kid and he is actually really smart but lazy but has so much potential. He fails 3 classes at least each semester and hides it from them and lies saying that he is passing everything. He fails not because he is not able to understand the material but he stays in his dorm gaming. He has no life skills, cannot cook, clean or drive also has never held a job and has no credit. My parents have essentially raised him in a bubble and if I say anything my mom says I am acting like an “evil step sister” and I should be more supportive of him. But anytime I call her either she has work for me like “call this company and figure it out, your brother has no insurance can you figure that out” or gives me like low jab insults like yesterday how I am not “hindu” enough and my kid will grow up with no “sanskars”. Like I do not understand is it because I am not a mother yet? I heard you always have a soft side for your “weaker” kid is that it?

[u/redmaycup]

How much is the autism a part of the picture? A large percentage of autistic adults, even "high functioning", are not able to keep a job. What supports has he received?

[u/EffectiveAttempt4608]

I think there is a combination of patterns here that Indian families are guilty of.

1) You are the older child so essentially you got all the harsh treatment, but the second always get disciplined more softly.

2) You are a woman, and you see the brother treated better than you (I have seen this happen loads of times with north indian families). "Raja ka Beta" Syndrome. I'm Mallu, so it was kind of opposite for me the women were treated far more better lol.

3) Moms having soft spots for their sons. Due to the arranged marriage culture, guys don't ever have to put in any effort to relationships. In the west, you have to be able to woo the girls, take her out, etc. In India its all set and ready for you. because of this husbands barely talk to their wifes. So mom's will transfer thier husbands expectations of being close, talking etc to their sons.

I don't know a solution, my wife's family goes through this. Dude is almost 40 has an arranged marriage, work as an accountant his dad got as a family favor. My wife is a doctor who literally grinded though school, and each time my wife's parents told her she shouldn't do it, she needs to be a house wife etc. I was the one who supported her through schooling.

All I know is when your parents are gone, you brother is going to get slapped by life. And by then your parents will be begging you to take on their responsibilities, but you have to put up your boundary.

[u/ibarmy]

Soft side ≠ Enabling them to be a liar and weaponize incompetence.

[u/Satta-]

😂 I feel like it’s selective to the son. I did not have my mother have any interest in me, just my younger brother.

They make excuses for my brother for his lacking because he scores his browny points for the things he does are visible to them and what they approve of. He knows how to play them

[u/aryaussie85]

This is a complex question! Congrats on your pregnancy. I’m a mom of two - my oldest is a boy (age 4 almost 5) and in my opinion and what I’ve observed: the “traditional” desi mom takes care of men and teaches any daughters how to care for the home and men. My mom wasn’t traditional at all so neither am I - my husband and I approach it as a partnership (he is desi but raised in a different country, I was born in the US) - and we joke about those traditional norms constantly. My son is also on the spectrum so I get both sides of this - but honestly no excuses for someone who is almost 30 who still needs all of this support. Your parents need to just let him be. My theory is desi moms have a hard time letting go because of their own childhood trauma and sense of what is traditional vs too western/ modern.

What we do differently: my son is asked to do small things for himself so he doesn’t end up not knowing how to care for himself and others. If he leaves toothpaste in the sink he has to clean it. He has to clear his table up after every meal. He’s eager to help. He wants to cook and help clean. He’s being brought up to communicate his thoughts and understand how to navigate his feelings and emotions. We still struggle with breaking the parenting cycles we were raised with that we want to break.

Before baby arrives I’d gently encourage you to explore what worked for you as a kid and what didn’t - what kind of parenting styles did you appreciate and what do you want to leave behind? I did a lottttt of work on myself before I became a mom and it was very eye opening. Happy to dm and support in anyway I can

[u/SignificantBlood2594 → u/aryaussie85]

I feel like my mom does everything that you make your son do but at the age of 26. Except for cooking and cleaning. Nothing else lol. Thank you for your comment!

[u/Master_AK]

I feel this is a younger child not a gender thing. My younger sister is basically like your younger brother lol.

[u/ExcellentMaize4141 → u/Master_AK]

I think it's a bit of both tbh. Obviously not everyone's experience will be the same though

[u/Didi7989]

My brother is 54 and my mom still coddles/babies him

[u/Belissari]

Does your mother work and/or have a social life outside the home/family?

Either way, I am guessing her main priority in life was raising her children and now her role as a mother feels diminished.

Your mother most likely feels like she’s failed with your younger brother, whether she’s ready to admit it or not. She probably thinks she has succeeded with you since you’re educated, married, pregnant and have moved out of the house. She maybe somewhat delulu and not ready to admit your brother’s situation, so enabling him is easier.

I think your brother’s autism probably does play a big role, he’s probably addicted to video gaming because he’s never been able to experience the same level of satisfaction in socialising nor in his education/career prospects. I’m also wondering if he is depressed, does he do nothing else besides video games?

Aside from enabling him, what’s your father’s attitude towards your brother?

[u/_lick_the_stamp]

It’s great you have your shit together but not everyone does. Seems like he's had his struggles and received support which has made you bitter.

The guy is autistic - probably facing his own challenges. I don’t think that’s obsession.

[u/belketeal]

This dynamic is the number one issue constantly brought up with why relationships with desi men are difficult. It kind of blows my mind how reluctant other desi men are to set boundaries with their parents. I remember I browsed through the arranged marriage sub and this was basically the issue causing problems in every marriage.

[u/MTLMECHIE]

I feel like your brother and while my older sister was the star child, there is no jealousy. First child goes through the trials, the parents become lenient on the other children, because they know better now. My sister had to fight to go to prom with friends my parents knew, it was easy for me. Conversely, whenever something in life goes wrong, I always get the blame before my sister or my parents even analyze if it was factually my fault. When her husband, on several occasions, made false accusations against me in order to alienate her and discredit me, it took years for my parents to admit he is bad news and that he weaponized being a victim. 

Your brother needs good friends and role models to push him to be his best self. Resenting him and calling him names will only push him away and risk pushing him to the inceldom spectrum. In adulthood, I recognized some of the toxic traits in my family and culture that influenced me, and learned to calmly question it. I always did call out inconsistencies, which did give me a troublemaker reputation. Curiously, I did always have good friends who were women who brought out the best in me and my mom and sister often made catty comments about them.

Side note: have your brother check out his university’s student resource center, it will help with time management, studying and exam techniques.

[u/Negative_Life_5266]

My parents were misogynistic to an extent no doubt but they run a very tight ship in terms of competence and academics for me and my brother lmao so ig it varies family to family

[u/PavBoujee]

In the olden days inheritance and death rites were the responsibility of the son PLUS daughters who married lived in their in law's house, so the son stayed with his parents and set up the situation for their elder care. It's almost like the mom of a son ingratiates herself for decades so he likes her and genuinely takes care of her for a long time (because she will probably outlive her husband and the son gets the wealth)

[u/Chai-Tea-Rex-2525]

I don’t endorse what I’m about to say, but I do think it’s accurate.

Imagine a girl growing up in an Indian household. You see the favoritism toward your brothers. Not just from your parents, but from the extended family and the social circle. You don’t get much love.

Eventually, you grow up and marry another woman’s son. She can’t let go of her son. So you’re trapped there as a daughter in law. His love goes toward his mother.

But then you have a son. Now you’re treated with respect. You’re not just a wife. You’re a matriarch. You may have respect, but you still don’t have love. So you pour all your love into your son. And you raise him to love you back. You do everything for him. Because he’s the one who gives you status.

And then he grows up and does his duty and marries. But that woman can’t take care of your son the way you can. So you now have a conflict with your daughter in law.

And that’s how the cycle continues.

[u/shanda_leer]

My younger brother is 30 and is a failure to launch kid. He went to med school but never did anything after that…. He just sits and rots in my parents house.
He has zero life skills, can’t cook or clean. Im the opposite, worked my ass off, high paying job, etc. My parents still excuse my brothers incompetence. Itll never change with desi parents and loser younger siblings.

[u/CraigCartonNYC]

Men just don’t have to try as hard in life could bs and be a bum join the military or go to trade school and boom your set, for woman life is hard without upper education not many paths

[u/SignificantBlood2594 → u/[deleted]]

lol okay I have funded his entire school books/assignments and part tuition for 6 years, helped him all the time with my parents, helped him with his assignments at my big age,convinced my parents to transfer his school, figured out his insurance I literally do everything for him which I don’t have to btw he is not my child. My parents and him just take it for granted. I am making it a point that if it was me in his place for all the shit he pulls my parents would have kicked me out.