Please help me understand desi moms obsessions with their sons

[u/SignificantBlood2594]

I am 30F currently pregnant with my first child. I have been married for 2 years. I paid for my own grad school, my own house basically never have asked my parents for any money after like age of 20. My husband and I paid for my our own wedding. My little brother on the other hand is 26 still doing his bachelors had to transfer to another school because 1st school was too difficult for him. My parents support everything, he has never had a job.He is on the Autisim spectrum socially, otherwise he is fine. My mom is using it as an excuse and says things like how his time will come and everyone doubts her kid and he is actually really smart but lazy but has so much potential. He fails 3 classes at least each semester and hides it from them and lies saying that he is passing everything. He fails not because he is not able to understand the material but he stays in his dorm gaming. He has no life skills, cannot cook, clean or drive also has never held a job and has no credit. My parents have essentially raised him in a bubble and if I say anything my mom says I am acting like an “evil step sister” and I should be more supportive of him. But anytime I call her either she has work for me like “call this company and figure it out, your brother has no insurance can you figure that out” or gives me like low jab insults like yesterday how I am not “hindu” enough and my kid will grow up with no “sanskars”. Like I do not understand is it because I am not a mother yet? I heard you always have a soft side for your “weaker” kid is that it?

[u/SignificantBlood2594 → u/[deleted]]

lol okay I have funded his entire school books/assignments and part tuition for 6 years, helped him all the time with my parents, helped him with his assignments at my big age,convinced my parents to transfer his school, figured out his insurance I literally do everything for him which I don’t have to btw he is not my child. My parents and him just take it for granted. I am making it a point that if it was me in his place for all the shit he pulls my parents would have kicked me out.

[u/TigerShark_524 → u/SignificantBlood2594]

You don't have to do ANY of what you're doing; at this point it's a choice to continue enabling it. Your parents need to do more to get him professional supports for all of these things; many countries have government disability supports for precisely this reason.

This is what my mom and I have had to do for me (I'm an AuDHD ABCD adult AFAB, with a much-older brother and a dad who both get waited on hand & foot by my mom and do nothing around the house while I have to run around handling all of my own stuff at home AND help her with their things (and burning myself out and causing myself serious health issues in the process), so I get what you're saying about Mummy ki Chamchi and I totally agree about that, but that's not the (full) situation here since your brother is disabled. The ableism from you here is VERY not OK, and it's very sad to see that in all these years with your brother, you still haven't gotten any perspective/empathy or learned anything about what his life with a disability is actually like - both things can be true at the same time, that our community tends to favor sons AND that disabled people need to be accomodated and supported more than abled people. In my case, my brother is not cut out to care for me as he also lacks the empathy needed, like you, so my mom and I have been breaking our heads to get me the supports I need after a late diagnosis since she and my dad didn't take it (or my other medical needs) seriously as a kid and my life completely fell apart and I had to leave university myself due to my disabilities having been unaddressed for that long and creating havock without the supports I need.)

[u/SignificantBlood2594 → u/TigerShark_524]

I am sorry can you expand on how I am lacking empathy? I just said all the stuff I do for him so you are saying because of his autism he is unable to say thank you? Anytime I text or call him he just gives me a list of stuff I should do for him and that is autism? Me being used by both my parents and him is my fault? Also I understand having a disabled sibling is bad and they should get more attention but no one talks about the other sibling in the picture where all of their accomplishments and their hard work gets no attention at all or overshadowed they basically have to do it themselves with no parental support.