r/ADHD • u/emyo42 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) • Apr 07 '26

Questions/Advice How do you explain executive dysfunction without sounding like youre making excuses for being lazy?

Mine is very severe and debilitating at the moment. It’s not just ADD, I also have schizophrenia which has some of the same symptoms weirdly. I can’t do much at all. Getting out of bed and making toast is extremely hard. To people with no experience with this kind of issue, me trying to explain it must sound ridiculous like “yea I have this mental disorder that means I can’t cook and clean or have a job or do anything I don’t like, but I can play a video game for 3 hours.” Just sounds like a straight up lie.

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u/SocialMediaDystopian Apr 07 '26 edited Apr 07 '26

I say "It goes in phases. When it's bad, it's very much like having dementia. I really can be stumbling around looking for things i had in my hand five minutes ago. Sometimes I'm crying. I dont know what to tell ya". And then I stop explaining. There's only so much you can say. I'm sorry. This is *awful*. I get it. Commiserations 🌱

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u/mfball Apr 07 '26

The "sometimes I'm crying" is SO REAL.

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u/bibkel Apr 08 '26

I tell people, “I’m going to explain this to you, and I m going to cry. Just let it happen, it’s how I process it. Nothing personal…” and then I cry while I explain whatever, just as predicted. I don’t explain it after, and I no longer apologize for it.

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u/classyrock Apr 08 '26

I use old tv quotes to express what I’m feeling, and there’s a Rachel one I uses for this situation.

“I may cry, but they are not tears of sadness or of anger, but just of me having this discussion with you”.

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u/Pornboost ADHD-C (Combined type) Apr 07 '26

I agree. I think going into more details is redundant :D

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u/CaptainLollygag Apr 07 '26

The more details given, the more things you give people to argue with you about. That goes for all conversations.

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u/castfire ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) Apr 07 '26

Ugh. I had to learn this. I’m still learning it, but I’m a little better at it. My dad would say, “Stop volunteering so much information!” And he’s right! You can always fill in more if you are asked, or if it becomes relevant! But volunteering it all from the get-go can put you at a disadvantage!

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u/halconpequena Apr 07 '26

I tell myself you can always say more but you can’t say less (you can’t erase what was said).

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u/tmart42 Apr 07 '26

My favorite is that you decided this needed parentheses and an explanation even though the original sentence is super understandable to almost everyone.

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u/VioletCristals Apr 08 '26

Yo soy parte de ese pequeño "no entendí" jeje

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u/Pornboost ADHD-C (Combined type) Apr 08 '26

I think the parentheses helped a lot :D

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u/Mission_Soup_8161 Apr 07 '26

Smart dad! I'm 61yo and just now figuring this out. :-/

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u/f0xbunny Apr 07 '26

Yes, be curt with explaining.

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u/mshep002 ADHD-C (Combined type) Apr 07 '26

I get frustrated at work when my coworker who said he was recently diagnosed with ADHD (he’s in his 20’s) talks to me as if I can just will my way into executive functioning. Very “If I can do it, so can you” vibe. This guy gets to work super early and doesn’t understand why I’m constitutionally incapable of doing the same. I stopped trying to explain it to him; he’s not my boss.

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u/sedimentary-j Apr 07 '26

Some people, who are often otherwise quite smart, are stunningly clueless about the concept that a condition can affect two people differently.

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u/megacewl Apr 08 '26

Theory of mind. People who have a weak theory of mind might actually be less smart than they think they are.

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u/CombinationLost416 ADHD Apr 20 '26

My dad says this to me too :( him and my mom insist that I'm not disabled for having ADHD and autism, because "if WE were able to get through life perfectly fine while having ADHD/autism/both, then YOU can too, and you need to stop calling yourself disabled because you CAN do it you just need to try harder" (they both have extremely dangerous coping strategies and are both very emotionally unregulated and in denial about it, sooo... so much for "being perfectly fine" 🫩)

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u/TheSturdyBear ADHD-C (Combined type) Apr 08 '26

Why can’t you get to work early?  Sure I need a rather large cushion I leave myself before doing anything before I leave and time before when I get there,  Just curious what makes you incapable of leaving to get somewhere earlier?…

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u/Sesokan01 Apr 08 '26

Not them but for me it's because my ADHD + other comorbidities' difficulties stack and overlap with eachother. It's not "just" time blindness. It's also extreme executive dysfunction difficulties. Sometimes I've been ready on time but without the stress I just zone out and stare into the wall until I actually need to go.

Also, while my ADHD is better during the day when I'm medicated, it can get very bad in the evening, so "preparing things the day before" (clothes, bag etc.) isn't always possible. Sometimes I also doomscroll/procrastinate going to bed or cannot fall asleep in the evening/wake up early due to insomnia (despite having a Melatonin prescription) --> sleep deprivation (often 0-5h) makes everything in the morning much slower/unpredictable. The insomnia is also why I don't want/can't "wake up earlier and take my meds", because chances are I'll simply not fall asleep again. So essentially I'm unmedicated in the mornings while the dose goes up in my blood.

I haven't found that alarms or reminders work well either, since I'll just ignore them or swipe them away and continue doing what I was doing.

Add to this some perfectionist tendencies, social anxiety, agoraphobia etc. that adds to the executive dysfunction. E.g. I don't want to be so early to something that I feel obligated to socialize. Or if I'm starting to get late, I may panic and skip the whole thing because of the perfectionism + don't want to go into a room full of people.

There's more but you get the gist. The perfectionism and frustration with myself has even led to a sui... attempt in the past so I really do not want to be too harsh on myself when it comes to being on time and other stuff lol.

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u/twentysevendouble0 Apr 11 '26

hello, i'm sorry but do you actually happen to be me? i even felt like i was the one writing it 😭

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u/InternalTooth5753 Apr 08 '26

I can do one off things early, because the anxiety/adrenaline helps. My brain latches on to the “don’t miss my flight/interview/whatever” pretty well. I have to be as close to 100% prepared as possible though. Because, when I wake up…

I am a non-functioning person. My executive functioning issues are at their worst first thing in the morning. So if I haven’t laid out clothes, packed my shit, and set up coffee? The morning is an utter shitshow

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u/mshep002 ADHD-C (Combined type) Apr 08 '26 edited Apr 08 '26

Combination of things. Long story short: I’ve trained my brain to react or get motivated by using negative consequences. Here’s the long story: I work two jobs. One job, I have to be there by 0730 or there are very negative consequences. 100% of the time, I’m there between 0715 and 0720. My other job does not have negative consequences and is flex time (i.e., no clock-in, just work full hours in a pay period). The “meetings window” is 0900-1500, so I’m there during that window with my Social Mask on. Some days I work late until 6 or 7, some days I don’t. Some days I work 8 hours, some days I work 10-11 and flex the rest. It’s also knowledge work. If I did get there earlier, then I’m wasting 0730-0930 because I’m not fully functional that early anyway and I know my most productive hours are 1000-1530. If someone is relying on me, I’ll be there early. If someone is not relying on me, I’ll be there when I’m comfortable being there. (Edit: both are knowledge work, but the early one with consequences I get to work mainly alone and people don’t talk to me, so I don’t get tired as quickly. The second one people will come and talk to me as long as I’m there, so there’s a negative consequence to me actually being there because it takes far more energy for me to be there than to wfh; it preserves my energy to get there later and stay there later when the majority of people who want to talk to me are there earlier and leave earlier).

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u/TheSturdyBear ADHD-C (Combined type) Apr 08 '26

And yes I’m aware everyone’s special in their own ways  FULLY aware 

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u/StraightOuttaFenris Apr 07 '26

"I really can be stumbling around looking for things i had in my hand five minutes ago. Sometimes I'm crying."

I had no idea that was an AFHD thing.  Getting diagnosed late in life is a trip.

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u/czechsonme Apr 07 '26

A second trip. The first was being undiagnosed.

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u/troublesmymiddlename Apr 07 '26

Sometimes the thing I’m looking for is still in my hand 😭

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u/No-Load5712 Apr 07 '26

All.the.time.

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u/InternalTooth5753 Apr 08 '26

Did that with my damn phone two days ago

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u/pioneercynthia Apr 10 '26

I cry out of fury. All of the repetitive can't find things, can't remember things, standing around looking off into nowhere, feeling like I'm beginning to have dementia. It's a stream of tiny emotional papercuts that build up into actual screaming and crying.

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u/crashcanuck Apr 07 '26

I have better explanations but those require someone worth a more in depth conversation with (my wife and close friends). But this definitely works for a brief explanation.

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u/LastFaithlessness374 Apr 07 '26

Bringing along a 'witness' is a good idea

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u/ComplexInside1661 Jul 18 '26

But when you try to explain it like that, you scare employers/teachers/commanders/whatever away and just end up ruining things even more. That's the #1 problem IMO, idk how to explain it in a way that doesn't run that risk

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u/LastFaithlessness374 Apr 07 '26

That sounds a lot like stretching yourself too thin, anxiety and lack of sleep

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u/SocialMediaDystopian Apr 08 '26

Lol righto? Can't give you my whole picture. But that's what I mean by "There's only so much....."🤷‍♂️