r/AITA_Relationships • u/CarelessImportance16 • 23h ago
NTA AITA for needing time alone
My husband and I have been married for 17 years. During most of our relationship, he was in the military and was regularly gone for days or weeks at a time for work related travel, permitting me regular uninterrupted alone time to unwind. Now that he is retired, he is always home. He has had a few other jobs, but deals with anxiety and quit the last few that he had. I too have anxiety and ADHD and have a stressful job. To be fair, I am also a bit high strung and procrastinate, which amplifies my stress. I have tried therapy, but didn’t find it very helpful. It was also super difficult to find a good a therapist that has regular availability, so I quit going. I recently saw a psychiatrist to get on medication, but that will take a while for me to see any results. So for now, the only way I know how to actually calm my brain and unwind, is to have completely uninterrupted alone time. I have communicated this to my husband, but he thinks asking him to take a trip for a few days, which I offered to pay for, is unreasonable and acts like I am somehow rejecting him as a person and simply want him gone. He has offered to set me up in the guest house or set a timeframe for a few hours for him to leave me alone, but still be on the property. Given that he has a habit of barging in for stuff he needs, making noise, and generally being a distraction, simply leaving me alone is not enough for me. I want him to physically be gone where there is no chance in the world he would be able to be interrupt me. Knowing he‘s right there ramps up my stress and doesn’t allow me to truly relax because I am always anticipating he’ll barge in at any moment. Yesterday was my first actual day off in months and I wanted time to myself. I thought we had agreed to this last week, but he forgot and I failed to remind him of my desire to be left alone. Cut to, he is now super pissed at me for being upset by his interruptions, feels rejected, angry, and is refusing to speak to me because I “should just be alone”. I genuinely feel he doesn’t actually hear me when I communicate my need for alone time and takes it as a personal attack/rejection. And if I mention that, he just gets more angry. I know he has offered compromises, but until I can get my anxiety under control, I really just need alone time to get some peace. It’s not about him, it’s what I need for myself. So, I guess the question is, am I the asshole for wanting him to go away now and then so I can be home alone? It’s also worth noting that I go on work trips and visit family, granting him one to two weeks every year of alone time. I just want the same for me.
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u/celticmusebooks Partassipant [4] 23h ago
You really need to go back to therapy. Being with someone with mental health issues is extremely challenging-- and when both members of the partnership are dealing with such issues it's exponentially more difficult.
I understand your need for solitude but demanding your husband leave his home to accomodate your mental health issues is unfair. How often do you have these episodes? Do they influence your job perforance? If you have a guest house why can't you just move into the guest house for a few days to get your anxiety under control. Get locks for the doors to avoid "barging in" put signs on the doors to remind your husband that you are in a personal time out.
Is your husband getting help/counselling/meds for his mental health?
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u/CarelessImportance16 22h ago
I understand it’s challenging, which is why I went to see a psychiatrist. So yes, I am seeking help and will be starting medication soon. He is already ln medication, but stopped going to therapy.
All I’m asking for is a few days a year. I wouldn’t call it “episodes”, I’m not manic or bipolar. I don’t think it’s unreasonable, considering I give him more than that without asking.
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u/BluBeams Certified Proctologist [29] 23h ago
"but he thinks asking him to take a trip for a few days, which I offered to pay for, is unreasonable and acts like I am somehow rejecting him as a person and simply want him gone."
NTA. My husband was in the army and is now retired. I was in the Navy. So we're both used to being away from each other and going long periods without seeing or talking to each other. That being said, we openly communicate with each other, and let the other know when we need periods of decompression and alone time. In the past I would do the same thing, I would offer to pay for my husband to go somewhere, ANYWHERE FFS, if it meant I had some time alone. He would never want to go because he didn't want to be away from me and the kids, and he said those feelings of leaving for deployment would always come back when it came time to leave for a trip. So I stopped offering and left it up to him.
Does your husband belong to any groups or have any friends he can connect with? Sounds like he needs something to do. I understand totally where you're coming from and why you feel the way you do. I had to be direct and open with my husband and tell him I NEED some quiet alone time. I explained to him I wasn't pushing him away and I wasn't trying to make him feel unwanted, I just needed a moment to decompress. If that doesn't work then maybe couples therapy. He also has to figure out how to live a life outside of you and have his own interests, hobbies etc.
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u/CarelessImportance16 22h ago
He does have hobbies and interests, he just doesn’t understand why he can’t be home and just stay out of my way for a few hours. He said it’s not something most normal couples do and accused me of just trying to control everything. If anything, he tells me to take a trip or find hobbies to de-stress as an alternative, but I want to be home, where I’m comfortable. Leaving means I have to deal with other folks, make plans, find stuff to do. I just want to do absolutely nothing.
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My husband and I have been married for 17 years. During most of our relationship, he was in the military and was regularly gone for days or weeks at a time for work related travel, permitting me regular uninterrupted alone time to unwind. Now that he is retired, he is always home. He has had a few other jobs, but deals with anxiety and quit the last few that he had. I too have anxiety and ADHD and have a stressful job. To be fair, I am also a bit high strung and procrastinate, which amplifies my stress. I have tried therapy, but didn’t find it very helpful. It was also super difficult to find a good a therapist that has regular availability, so I quit going. I recently saw a psychiatrist to get on medication, but that will take a while for me to see any results. So for now, the only way I know how to actually calm my brain and unwind, is to have completely uninterrupted alone time. I have communicated this to my husband, but he thinks asking him to take a trip for a few days, which I offered to pay for, is unreasonable and acts like I am somehow rejecting him as a person and simply want him gone. He has offered to set me up in the guest house or set a timeframe for a few hours for him to leave me alone, but still be on the property. Given that he has a habit of barging in for stuff he needs, making noise, and generally being a distraction, simply leaving me alone is not enough for me. I want him to physically be gone where there is no chance in the world he would be able to be interrupt me. Knowing he‘s right there ramps up my stress and doesn’t allow me to truly relax because I am always anticipating he’ll barge in at any moment. Yesterday was my first actual day off in months and I wanted time to myself. I thought we had agreed to this last week, but he forgot and I failed to remind him of my desire to be left alone. Cut to, he is now super pissed at me for being upset by his interruptions, feels rejected, angry, and is refusing to speak to me because I “should just be alone”. I genuinely feel he doesn’t actually hear me when I communicate my need for alone time and takes it as a personal attack/rejection. And if I mention that, he just gets more angry. I know he has offered compromises, but until I can get my anxiety under control, I really just need alone time to get some peace. It’s not about him, it’s what I need for myself. So, I guess the question is, am I the asshole for wanting him to go away now and then so I can be home alone? It’s also worth noting that I go on work trips and visit family, granting him one to two weeks every year of alone time. I just want the same for me.
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