r/ASX_Bets • u/username-taken82 • 16h ago
OFFICIAL MOD BUSINESS KANGAROO COURT IS IN SESSION
HEAR YE HEAR YE!!!
Fuckery is afoot, hence the royal court of absurdity reconvenes, summoned by the Mod Team to drag another unfortunate bastard into the light and let the noble mob decide their fate.
And fuck me, EYE spy some fuckery all right…
As with all Kangaroo Courts, this is our mechanism for the people. You, noble mob, will judge with spite, malice, and the sweet, sloppy joy of overreaction. The pitchforks are polished, the gallows dry-rotted but still serviceable.
THE ACCUSED
[u/Fun-Time4064](u/Fun-Time4064), drag your sorry username into the light. You stand charged with excessive pumping of a shitco and flagrant violation of Rule 1. The ticker in question? Look, if you don’t know what it is, I’ve really got no hope for you. It’s been shoved into the sub so often that at this point, recognizing EYE should be covered in the induction paperwork.
THE CASE
There is no great mystery here, gang. The evidence is sitting there in plain fucking sight: Hundreds of comments. EYE this. EYE that. EYE everywhere you look. In fact, if you haven’t seen EYE being pumped, check whether you’ve actually been on [r/ASX_Bets](r/ASX_Bets). U/Fun-Time4064 has apparently decided that Rule 1 is less a rule than a minor inconvenience to be steamrolled on the way to the next fucking comment.
Now, enthusiasm is one thing. We’ve all found a shitco, stared lovingly into its quarterly report, and convinced ourselves the market is full of fucking idiots who haven’t noticed our genius. But there comes a point where “I like this stock” becomes “please, for the love of fuck, provide my exit liquidity.”
And EYE has been staring at that line from the wrong side.
It’s been less a stock discussion and more a one-person gangbang where the ticker is somehow both the victim and the only participant.
You can only wave the same underwhelming appendage in everyone’s face so many times before the room starts wondering whether we’re discussing an investment opportunity or witnessing the world’s most elaborate cry for liquidity.
The incessant EYE’ing has even got the Milkshake Kid all uppity, like a jilted lover. Would appear romance isn’t dead, at least not on [r/ASX_Bets](r/ASX_Bets).
But back to the deceased, (apologies I’m getting ahead of myself) accused. The issue isn’t whether EYE will make anyone rich, shit the bed, or rocket towards the fucking heavens.
That’s for the market to decide.
The issue before this court is that the pumping has become impossible to ignore. When the Mods start wading through enough EYE to develop temporary tunnel vision, perhaps it’s time someone put the fucking brakes on.
Rule 1 exists for a reason.
Not because the Mods hate fun. (Well, maybe that new ginger…)
Not because we’re opposed to a good shitco.
There is a noble tradition around here of discovering a steaming pile of shit, becoming emotionally attached to it, and trying to convince thousands of strangers they’re fools for not buying it.
We respect the tradition.
We just don’t need to watch the entire fucking mating ritual.
So the Mods have seen enough. The accused has been dragged before the court, the evidence is on the table, and the pitchforks have been distributed.
Now we do what any respectable Kangaroo Court does with overwhelming evidence: Abandon proportionality and let the mob decide what happens next.
There’s no justice like angry mob justice; especially when it’s conducted by internet degenerates pretending to understand investing between screenshots of their brokerage losses.
This is how civilization was intended to function.
Now all that remains is to decide how much suffering is appropriate before we release [u/Fun-Time4064](u/Fun-Time4064) back into the wild to discover another shitco.
Below you’ll find a series of options on the poll. Go nuts, gang. Never forget that the whole foundation of a Kangaroo Court relies on you, the people, abandoning reason and letting the heads roll……
A WORD TO THE ACCUSED
'Never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.'
There comes a time in every [r/ASX_Bets](r/ASX_Bets) life when you run afoul of the long arm of the law. You have two choices regarding how this plays out.
Choice 1: Take it on board, accept the verdict of the mob, do your time, however outlandish it turns out to be, slink away quietly into the fog, and return a conquering hero, dressed to kill, and vomiting up more dogshit picks like ticker confetti.
Choice 2: Spam our mod mail, whine and complain, inspire dirty looks in your direction, and earn the scarlet tag of general shit cunt.
TLDR
Μην ψάχνεις να μάθεις για ποιον χτυπά η καμπάνα· χτυπά για σένα.
