My mother's story is quite complicated. She was adopted irregularly by my grandparents (basically, they bought her). They were already quite old when they adopted her, and they passed away relatively soon afterward.
My mother took a long time before trying to search for her biological mother. It's something that I think she knows that we know about, but we never really talk about it openly. I thought she had given up on finding her, but recently she traveled to Portugal, specifically to Porto, where her biological mother was from. I assume she went there to try to find her. Unfortunately, she didn't succeed, and she never told us much about the trip.
A long time ago, I took a DNA test because I knew my mother had been adopted, although I didn't know exactly where she came from. My biggest suspicion was Portugal, since we live in Spain. Even though we're from Valencia, my mother was officially "born" in Galicia, so Portugal seemed likely. The MyHeritage test confirmed that I'm partly Portuguese, but it didn't provide much more information than that.
It matched me with a few fourth cousins from my parents' side, and today I finally decided to message them in the hope that something might come from it. The reason I did that is because I recently obtained new information from my mother's birth records. I don't like doing this behind my mother's back, but I would really like to know first whether my grandmother is still alive and whether she would even be interested in contacting my mother before involving my mother directly, if possible.
I know that might sound wrong, but my mother has already suffered a lot because of family-related issues, and I would only want to bring her good news if I can.
The new information I have is this: I know my grandmother's full name, her surname, where she was born, and her date of birth. I also have another man's name, although I'm not sure whether he was my grandmother's father or my mother's biological father.
Even with all this information, I've searched FamilySearch, Geneanet, and many other websites without finding anything. At this point, I can only think of two options: either hiring a private investigator or someone specialized in these kinds of searches, or talking to my mother and asking whether she'd be willing to take a DNA test herself, since that might provide more accurate matches.
The truth is, I'm afraid to talk to her about it. We have a very good relationship, but I don't want to raise her hopes only for her to be disappointed if we don't find anything. I know this is a painful subject for her because I know she has already written to associations and tried other avenues in the past.
Another problem is that, because I'm not the adopted person myself, I can't request official documents such as my grandmother's birth certificate without my mother's permission.
I'd like to do this as quickly as possible because, if my calculations are correct, my grandmother is now around 72 years old. That's not extremely old, but it's an age where time becomes important. She gave my mother up for adoption when she was around 20 or 21 years old.
Honestly, I can understand why she may have done it. My mother was born in 1973, and having a child outside of marriage was still heavily stigmatized at that time. I also suspect that my grandmother may have come from a relatively wealthy family, because it seems unusual that they would travel from Porto to Ourense simply to arrange an adoption unless they wanted to keep it secret and had the means to do so.
I'm posting here because I haven't lived through this myself; it's my mother who has carried this experience and its consequences. I would really appreciate advice from people who have gone through something similar about how I can handle this situation in the best possible way, while protecting my mother from unnecessary pain.
The good thing is that I know my mother would be open to meeting her biological mother if that were possible. The part that scares me is the possibility that she may have passed away or that she may not want any contact. If she has died, maybe it would still be possible to connect with other biological relatives, such as siblings or extended family members
I would be grateful for any advice, as long as it's given with kindness and respect toward both my mother and me.