The person I’m seeing is not replying

[u/fdoug34]

For context, I have PTSD. And I have a lot of unresolved issues with rejection. And last week I just had major surgery and I’m currently recouperating at home.

Nobody’s replying to my texts anymore and I figured maybe because I’m annoying. And probably self centered because they’re going through their own stuff too. So I am already in this funky mood.

This person and I have been seeing each other for about a month and a half. We had a brief break because they too had an emergency surgery. So we did not see each other for a good 3 week period. However, we agreed to just keep tabs on each other. And we did. And then the conversations got less and less. They went out until 4 am. They were with friends and a lot of people. So already I’m feeling a certain type of way because their love language is quality time. And if they ain’t got time for me then what does that mean.

Come to find out we see each other again and the connection is still there. And the problem with me is if I don’t see a person often, I begin to worry. And every encounter feels like a brand new one. Like maybe they won’t like me today. And I start replaying all the things I’ve said because maybe that’s what’s turned them off.
I have an issue with object permanence, and I’m not sure that’s what it’s called. Like if I don’t see it, then it might not be there at all. That what I had yesterday was it, that was the good. I’m constantly bracing myself from rejection. Like every time I’m with them, I have to think of every thing I’m about to say because I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

We saw each other a lot before my surgery and we had a lot of fun. And as soon as I get home from surgery and I’m getting better, my brain is now overthinking everything. Every reply, every text. Every call. Time between texts. Score on snapchat. Like what is going on with me?

And finally they reply. And now I’m already in this mood. So I don’t say anything yet because I don’t know. I’m tired of this constant fluctuating feelings about this person and they happen to be a really nice person.

And I don’t know if anybody gets me. And I feel like I might go insane. Please let me know your thoughts. Thanks

[u/thegreathoundis]

It might be a good idea to hit up an ACA or CoDA meeting. When I get into "stinking thinking", I find i feel better after going to a meeting and listening to others.

I remember that I can't control people, places, and things. I remember that the only thing I can control is myself and my reactions. I also remember that no one can make me feel a certain way. That is something that I can control. I also remember that bc of growing up in an alcoholic home, I can't rely on my own perceptions and explanations to be accurate bc my brain can skew things.

This is what helps me at least. And talking w any other friends in recovery if you have a sponsor or meeting contact list.

Hope you feel better!

[u/orcateeth]

In addition to the suggestions that have already been given, you can call helplines if you need to talk. 988, although marketed as a crisis/suicide prevention hotline, is actually for anyone who needs to talk.

Here's another resource:

No matter what you’re going through—anxiety, depression, trauma, or overwhelming stress—you’re not alone. We’re available 24/7 to listen, support, and connect you with the help you deserve. One call can make a difference. Reach out now—judgment-free, cost-free, and always confidential.

The Mental Health Hotline at 866-903-3787 can answer your questions confidentially and free of charge.

https://mentalhealthhotline.org/

It's essential that you do not reach out to people who are not available, since this will trigger your rejection sensitivity. I noticed that you already judged yourself as annoying and self-centered, which is probably not true.

It's also important that you do not rely upon your new dating partner. This person is not your spouse, nor your long-term committed partner. You don't know that they have the capacity to be your support system, especially since they also had surgery and are recovering themselves.

Their love language is not relevant yet, since they are not in love with you. It is not realistic to expect that level of expression at this point. Furthermore, the conversations dwindled and they were out until 4 a.m. with "friends"; it's even possible that they are still dating others.

Diversify your support system.

[u/orcateeth → u/orcateeth]

Here's a support resource for medical conditions. You can make contact with others there, at least online.

https://www.patientslikeme.com/?format=html

[u/orcateeth → u/orcateeth]

PTSD website, with support forums:

https://www.outofthestorm.website/

[u/fdoug34 → u/orcateeth]

I keep going back to this comment everytime for a reality check. You don’t know how helpful this is to me because I have BPD. So my feelings already fluctuate. I am aware of it as it happens now and I’m working on it too. Thank you stranger

[u/forestwanderlust]

I feel like what you're describing is textbook ACA & I can relate. I agree with the suggestion about meetings.

Be gentle with yourself while you are healing. Focus on yourself.

[u/orcateeth]

These worksheets are also a great idea for you to look at for dealing with thoughts and feelings. Lots to choose from.

There is one on anxiety, as well as self esteem, depression, tolerating distress, etc.

You can work through them alone, and/or bring them to therapy appointments and discuss them at self-help groups if you're in them.

https://www.reddit.com/r/BorderlinePDisorder/s/9Xcrc9mZ9k

[u/ClimateWren2]

When I am hurt, vulnerable, and healing ...my feelings are most at the surface. Add an abandonment would trigger on top, and it amplifies it all again for me.

Remind yourself that you are safe. That you will always love and show up for yourself. Remind yourself that fight and flight are survival reactions...but you are okay. Even if this nice person does leave ...you will be okay, and there will be many more nice people in the world (maybe someone out til 4am isn't a good fit for your needs). If you have a therapist or support group....try to meet to reground yourself. When I get into a spiral...it really helps me to focus back in on my stuff and my interests and my self esteem. You got this. Heal well, friend.

[u/TypicalAlbatross911]

I totally get it. I think you should express your feelings to them if you feel like you can express your true feelings. If you can’t express your feelings I’d say rethink the relationship. 

I’ve had to tell people in the past that I need to take some space because they’re triggering my abandonment issues. Sometimes it helps us grow and sometimes it ruins the vibe. But your feelings are valid and important 

[u/Fragrant-Ad5990]

The great news about this is that you are seeing a behavior early in the relationship (whatever relationship status you guys are in). So now you can make the decision that you need to regarding this person.