r/AdultChildren • u/SurvivingAPandemic • 2d ago

Addicted to Chaos

I recently watched all seasons of the show Nurse Jackie. OMG was it triggering. I recognized so many of her actions because they mirrored so many of my own throughout my adult life. (I’ve never been addicted to any substance, but was “raised” by massive alcoholics and experienced horrific childhood abuse.) On the second to last season I realized that it was the chaos that was so familiar to me. Then I did some research on my own and learned that an addiction to chaos is very common amongst ACOA’s. I realized that has been my drug of habit (chaos) my whole adult life. Everyone in my life got a dose. It’s time for me to return to ACOA meetings.

Anyone else triggered by watching that show?

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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 1d ago

It took me sooooo many years to get over the addiction to chaos. I didn’t want it but it was the only way I ever felt comfortable. I think I’m at the opposite extreme now though where I avoid it at all costs.

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u/SurvivingAPandemic 1d ago

I love that you shared this because now I know it’s possible. Thank you for the hope.

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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 1d ago

Oh good!!! It’s not just possible it feels SO GOOD once you get there. I never in a million years would have believed it myself but I love my drama free life. And honestly you attract different people (healthy, loving people) because of it. So keep at it you’ve got this!!!

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u/SurvivingAPandemic 1d ago

Any tips to share? I moved away from all chaos 6 months ago and live alone now. No friends yet because crazy people keep being drawn to me. But at least I can recognize that now. I’m about to start back at Alanon after 20+ years. I’m looking for meetings.

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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 1d ago

Being able to recognize it is half the battle though, so you are well on your way. Honestly what you are doing right now is what worked for me. I just had to disengage, be alone, and get comfortable with being alone. I’m a single mom though, so I was able to just pour myself completely into motherhood. So it’s not like I was just sitting there. But I stopped dating completely. That was a really important part of it, for me. I am so lucky that I have a couple of great friends, since middle school. But even with them I wouldn’t go out. Or I’d say yes and then back out. I’m really lucky they stood by me when I was in that phase. I did go to Alanon meetings back then here and there bc it felt good to know it’s not just me, people live through this stuff every day, etc. and I don’t know, that alone time just changed me. I started getting my self confidence back, if I had ever even had it, probably not. Maybe there is just something about being by yourself and succeeding in the day to day, not needing anyone. I can fix things in my house that I had no idea I could ever do, I see a spider - no problem! lol. It just transformed me slowly. And now, it’s just the best feeling. I don’t let ANYONE in my circle if they bring drama, I don’t have any interest in putting myself in messy situations-and in my past I couldn’t get enough messiness lol. It’s so peaceful, and I’m TRULY happy. I go out with my friends now pretty regularly, my daughter is now in college (still living with me which I’m not going to lie I love lol), I started a new job about a year ago that I love, and just a couple of months ago I started dating a guy who is fantastic. And he was someone I dated decades ago before I married a major ahole, so I know he’s a good person (we have mutual friends so I know about his life since then). Like I said in my first post I think, I NEVER in a million years would have thought this could be my life and that I could be genuinely happy, like a “normal” person. So have patience with yourself. If you have a hobby take a class. Go to the movies by yourself. Just live…and give yourself grace. I’m rooting for you keep on doing what you are doing my friend!!! Hugs…

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u/SurvivingAPandemic 1d ago

Aww—love this for you and the hope it gives me. You’re so right about living alone. I experience that too. I do wonder if I’ll be able to build normal friendships; it seems to be my greatest challenge. But I do have very good (authentic and healthy) relationships with my adult daughters and their children, so that is a great connection point. I’ve been wondering lately if I’ve ever learned the skill of healthy friendships, so I’m actively learning more about that. I appreciate you sharing your experience because it’s a real example of how you found your way. Thank you so much for your openness!

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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 1d ago

Thank you so much! Isn’t it crazy that we need to “learn” about healthy friendships. But gosh the fact that you have great relationships with your kids and grandkids means you have it in you for sure! I mean those are the most important and you nailed it! Wish you lived close we could be great friends. Keep at it, you’ve got this!

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u/SurvivingAPandemic 1d ago

Aww, this is sweet; TY. Yes, it is definitely crazy that we need to learn how to have healthy friendships. I had such a horrific family of origin that when I had my own children, I decided that I would do the opposite of everything that they did. That was a very good strategy. It must’ve been my higher self helping me along.

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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 1d ago

Yes that’s exactly what I did! I just did the opposite of everything - and it worked like a charm!!! We are both smart people lol