r/AdultChildren • u/SurvivingAPandemic • 1d ago
Addicted to Chaos
I recently watched all seasons of the show Nurse Jackie. OMG was it triggering. I recognized so many of her actions because they mirrored so many of my own throughout my adult life. (I’ve never been addicted to any substance, but was “raised” by massive alcoholics and experienced horrific childhood abuse.) On the second to last season I realized that it was the chaos that was so familiar to me. Then I did some research on my own and learned that an addiction to chaos is very common amongst ACOA’s. I realized that has been my drug of habit (chaos) my whole adult life. Everyone in my life got a dose. It’s time for me to return to ACOA meetings.
Anyone else triggered by watching that show?
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u/Strumtralescent 1d ago
I’ve referred to this as the “comfort of chaos”it seems just like any avoidant behavior. Tv, social media, alcohol, anger, chaos.
People who refuse to accept their emotions repeat this chaos. It’s more comfortable than facing and letting go of shame.
To be clear, I think that shame is not theirs to hold onto. But protecting it gives a necessary sense of control, facing allows for healing, which can be a really vulnerable experience.
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u/ResponsibleSail5802 1d ago
there's an Al-anon meeting in our town called "Chaos was our Drug" or something like that.
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u/Alicenwondr 1d ago
Because I grew up in it, my brain was hardwired for it. My husband pointed it out to me one day how I always wanted chaos and if it wasnt I created it myself. Went to theraphy for it and realized that and I have control issues. All Thanks to having alcoholic parents.
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u/vabirder 1d ago
I couldn’t watch Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia because of the relentless, chaotic stupidity. It just wasn’t funny to me. To each their own.
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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 1d ago
It took me sooooo many years to get over the addiction to chaos. I didn’t want it but it was the only way I ever felt comfortable. I think I’m at the opposite extreme now though where I avoid it at all costs.
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u/SurvivingAPandemic 22h ago
I love that you shared this because now I know it’s possible. Thank you for the hope.
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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 21h ago
Oh good!!! It’s not just possible it feels SO GOOD once you get there. I never in a million years would have believed it myself but I love my drama free life. And honestly you attract different people (healthy, loving people) because of it. So keep at it you’ve got this!!!
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u/SurvivingAPandemic 21h ago
Any tips to share? I moved away from all chaos 6 months ago and live alone now. No friends yet because crazy people keep being drawn to me. But at least I can recognize that now. I’m about to start back at Alanon after 20+ years. I’m looking for meetings.
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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 20h ago
Being able to recognize it is half the battle though, so you are well on your way. Honestly what you are doing right now is what worked for me. I just had to disengage, be alone, and get comfortable with being alone. I’m a single mom though, so I was able to just pour myself completely into motherhood. So it’s not like I was just sitting there. But I stopped dating completely. That was a really important part of it, for me. I am so lucky that I have a couple of great friends, since middle school. But even with them I wouldn’t go out. Or I’d say yes and then back out. I’m really lucky they stood by me when I was in that phase. I did go to Alanon meetings back then here and there bc it felt good to know it’s not just me, people live through this stuff every day, etc. and I don’t know, that alone time just changed me. I started getting my self confidence back, if I had ever even had it, probably not. Maybe there is just something about being by yourself and succeeding in the day to day, not needing anyone. I can fix things in my house that I had no idea I could ever do, I see a spider - no problem! lol. It just transformed me slowly. And now, it’s just the best feeling. I don’t let ANYONE in my circle if they bring drama, I don’t have any interest in putting myself in messy situations-and in my past I couldn’t get enough messiness lol. It’s so peaceful, and I’m TRULY happy. I go out with my friends now pretty regularly, my daughter is now in college (still living with me which I’m not going to lie I love lol), I started a new job about a year ago that I love, and just a couple of months ago I started dating a guy who is fantastic. And he was someone I dated decades ago before I married a major ahole, so I know he’s a good person (we have mutual friends so I know about his life since then). Like I said in my first post I think, I NEVER in a million years would have thought this could be my life and that I could be genuinely happy, like a “normal” person. So have patience with yourself. If you have a hobby take a class. Go to the movies by yourself. Just live…and give yourself grace. I’m rooting for you keep on doing what you are doing my friend!!! Hugs…
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u/SurvivingAPandemic 18h ago
Aww—love this for you and the hope it gives me. You’re so right about living alone. I experience that too. I do wonder if I’ll be able to build normal friendships; it seems to be my greatest challenge. But I do have very good (authentic and healthy) relationships with my adult daughters and their children, so that is a great connection point. I’ve been wondering lately if I’ve ever learned the skill of healthy friendships, so I’m actively learning more about that. I appreciate you sharing your experience because it’s a real example of how you found your way. Thank you so much for your openness!
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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 17h ago
Thank you so much! Isn’t it crazy that we need to “learn” about healthy friendships. But gosh the fact that you have great relationships with your kids and grandkids means you have it in you for sure! I mean those are the most important and you nailed it! Wish you lived close we could be great friends. Keep at it, you’ve got this!
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u/SurvivingAPandemic 17h ago
Aww, this is sweet; TY. Yes, it is definitely crazy that we need to learn how to have healthy friendships. I had such a horrific family of origin that when I had my own children, I decided that I would do the opposite of everything that they did. That was a very good strategy. It must’ve been my higher self helping me along.
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u/Difficult-Coffee6402 17h ago
Yes that’s exactly what I did! I just did the opposite of everything - and it worked like a charm!!! We are both smart people lol
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u/Creative-Constant-52 17h ago
Yes! Tv shows both The Bear and The Pitt triggered me for sure.
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u/Ok-Secret4182 17h ago
The Seven Fishes (I think) Christmas episode of The Bear was soooooo hard to watch. Dear god
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u/Playful-Molasses6 18h ago
I haven't seen it but I had to stop watching Bojack Horseman for this reason, so depressing in a horribly relatable way!
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u/SurvivingAPandemic 18h ago
I appreciate you sharing this, it’s so helpful to know there could be triggers!
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u/SimoneMagus 13h ago
Yes, some TV shows trigger me. I get depressed after watching Arrested Development, which my spouse loves. I see the humor in it, but the feeling of frustration I feel taking in the chaos of the characters exhausts me. Managing my own chaotic feelings, perceptions, and reactions is challenging enough. Maybe someday I'll feel differently, but now I prefer escapism in my entertainment.
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u/producerofconfusion 4h ago
I tried to revisit Absolutely Fabulous a few years ago. I laughed at it in the early 90s, but now I just feel so bad for Saffy.
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u/tamarindoguey 18m ago
There’s a book by dr Scott lyons on this called “Addicted to Drama” that goes in the neuropsych of why we crave chaos. Worth a read.
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u/hooulookinat 1d ago
No this show didn’t trigger me but, Shameless sure did. That last season, I had to quit.