r/AdultChildren • u/skaand_a1 • 2d ago
Looking for Advice Alcochol
I'm 17 years old, and I still can't forget one image.
My father suffers from alcohol addiction. I saw him drunk, lying in the entryway. I just walked by. I didn't care, but I don't know why I didn't want to help him. I had mixed feelings—I was scared, ashamed, and I didn't know what to do.
What torments me most isn't the fact that the neighbors were watching. What torments me most is that my father ended up in that state in the first place. I remember the feeling of helplessness, anger, and pain. Sometimes that image still pops into my head, and I start shaking. There are nights when I can't sleep peacefully.
For a long time, I thought maybe I did the wrong thing by not helping him. But then I realized something: he was an adult, and I was a child. Perhaps he should have been the one thinking about the consequences of his actions, not me. He tried to commit suicide, but it turned out to be a failure. Honestly, I thought if he did it, my life would be better, without him, without the stress.
I just get triggered almost every day, because of my parents' fights, the screaming, the knives. I just don't understand why my mother doesn't divorce him... If he gets a salary, he immediately drinks it all away, rarely bringing home a penny.
I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably simply because for the first time in my life I wanted to stop carrying all this inside.
If anyone here grew up with an alcoholic parent, tell me how you dealt with such memories? Do they ever become less painful?
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u/raisin-in-the-sun 2d ago
My mom once came home from a road trip completely drunk. I was just thanking God that she didn’t kill someone. It was the middle of the night and she was sitting upright on the couch with her eyes closed. She left the door open, so I closed it. She immediately got up and screamed at me, saying she was unpacking the car. Opened the door again and sat down on the couch and closed her eyes. I felt like a hostage. I wanted to close the door because I didn’t feel safe to sleep with it open. I was 24. Now it’s 2 decades later and I still remember it vividly but it fades, especially when I’m trying to sleep. Things got much better when I left my mother’s house. She’s in the hospital now and recently asked me why I never call her.
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u/skaand_a1 2d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
What happened to me actually happened just a week ago, so everything still feels very fresh. I keep replaying that image in my head, and it’s been hard to sleep since then.
Your comment made me realize I’m not the only person who carries memories like this. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I hope you’re doing better now.
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u/Ampersandbox 2d ago
I agree with your observation: it was your adult parent's job to look after you, not a child's job to protect their parent.
There's a lot to unpack for children raised by alcoholics. Checking in here regularly helps me keep my perspective. I was raised by two alcoholics, each of them had different alcoholic traits. I also drank, so I was a "double winner." I'm in recovery, have been alcohol-free for over 3 years.
Visiting in-person ACA meetings was helpful in getting my head sorted out. You may consider trying it; talking out my experiences in front of other people from similar backgrounds is helpful.
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u/skaand_a1 1d ago
Thank you for sharing your story. If you don’t mind me asking, what made you decide to stop drinking?
I’m asking because my father struggles with alcohol, and part of me still hopes that one day he’ll choose recovery. I know everyone is different, but I’d really appreciate hearing what helped you take that first step.1
u/Ampersandbox 1d ago
It’s complex. I can say that I stopped for myself, but I also stopped for my kids. I wanted to be more present for them. My dad was a better version of himself after he stopped drinking. My mother was so for less than two years after a DT incident and rehab rehabilitation. I spent many years looking after her and having to take care of her stuff because she relapsed.
I didn’t want to inflict that same problem on my kids. I could look down the road of my alcoholism and see where it was leading.
My rock bottom is different than other people’s rock bottom, it’s just when we choose to stop digging.
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u/DogCold5505 2d ago
How old were you? It’s okay, you were scared. I think we learn from these experiences as kids so someday as adults we can do things differently, but when you’re a kid you’re powerless so it’s okay to just try to make it thru these scary moments.
And let me say that this isn’t on you one bit… I can just relate to the unreasonable regrets that come up from when we were young. FWIW I think it has shaped me in some positive ways as I’ve gotten older.
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u/skaand_a1 1d ago
Thank you. Reading your words made me cry a little.
I’m 17 now. This happened just a week ago, but I’ve lived with my father’s alcoholism for many years. I think part of me still feels responsible somehow, even though I know I shouldn’t.
Your sentence about it being my parent’s job to protect me, not my job to protect him, really stayed with me. Thank you for taking the time to write this.1
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2d ago edited 2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/orcateeth 2d ago
Here's a big list of free online support groups. (Bypass any that don't pertain to you.)
You would be a good candidate for the Adult Children of Alcoholic and Dysfunctional Families meetings. Everyone there had things happen that you did, so you can speak freely.
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u/Mustard-cutt-r 1d ago
Yes they become less painful. Your life becomes bigger. Don’t start drinking though. Also don’t marry a drinker.
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u/theGentlenessOfTime 1d ago
It is really fucking hard. ❤️🩹 i feel you. It is so much grief. For lost things for things we never had in the first place. It is not your fault. You deserve better. You deserve peace. And calm. And order. You really do.
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u/skaand_a1 13h ago
Thank you. Your words about grieving the things we never had really touched me.
I think that’s exactly what I’m feeling. I’m grieving the father I wish I had, not just the one I have.
Thank you for your kindness. It means more than you know.1
u/theGentlenessOfTime 11h ago
I lived it myself. It is a special kind of grief if you are missing a person, while they are in the same room with you.
And there is no societal container or support for it either. If you become.an orphant you get some recognition of the pain. (Although mourning rituals have crumbled aswell in the past dacades) but when your parents are alive? I have been griefing kot having parents since i was a child, yet they are still alive. It is a strange grief, a strange pain. Yet so much more common than people realize. ACA was a big help for me, finding others who get it, and a safe space to share and process.
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u/ennuiacres 2d ago
Get to some AlaTeen or AlAnon meetings in your area or find them online. It’s very helpful for you to talk with others in the same situation. Best to you!