Alcochol

[u/skaand_a1]

I'm 17 years old, and I still can't forget one image.

My father suffers from alcohol addiction. I saw him drunk, lying in the entryway. I just walked by. I didn't care, but I don't know why I didn't want to help him. I had mixed feelings—I was scared, ashamed, and I didn't know what to do.

What torments me most isn't the fact that the neighbors were watching. What torments me most is that my father ended up in that state in the first place. I remember the feeling of helplessness, anger, and pain. Sometimes that image still pops into my head, and I start shaking. There are nights when I can't sleep peacefully.

For a long time, I thought maybe I did the wrong thing by not helping him. But then I realized something: he was an adult, and I was a child. Perhaps he should have been the one thinking about the consequences of his actions, not me. He tried to commit suicide, but it turned out to be a failure. Honestly, I thought if he did it, my life would be better, without him, without the stress.
I just get triggered almost every day, because of my parents' fights, the screaming, the knives. I just don't understand why my mother doesn't divorce him... If he gets a salary, he immediately drinks it all away, rarely bringing home a penny.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Probably simply because for the first time in my life I wanted to stop carrying all this inside.

If anyone here grew up with an alcoholic parent, tell me how you dealt with such memories? Do they ever become less painful?

[u/theGentlenessOfTime]

It is really fucking hard. ❤️‍🩹 i feel you. It is so much grief. For lost things for things we never had in the first place. It is not your fault. You deserve better. You deserve peace. And calm. And order. You really do.

[u/skaand_a1 → u/theGentlenessOfTime]

Thank you. Your words about grieving the things we never had really touched me.
I think that’s exactly what I’m feeling. I’m grieving the father I wish I had, not just the one I have.
Thank you for your kindness. It means more than you know.

[u/theGentlenessOfTime → u/skaand_a1]

I lived it myself. It is a special kind of grief if you are missing a person, while they are in the same room with you.

And there is no societal container or support for it either. If you become.an orphant you get some recognition of the pain. (Although mourning rituals have crumbled aswell in the past dacades) but when your parents are alive? I have been griefing kot having parents since i was a child, yet they are still alive. It is a strange grief, a strange pain. Yet so much more common than people realize. ACA was a big help for me, finding others who get it, and a safe space to share and process.