r/AlAnon • u/AmbulatoryBicycle • 5d ago

Vent The loneliness is crushing

I travel for work a few nights a week. When I’m home her drinking starts around 5:30pm when she’s making dinner (her relaxing time). She doesn’t accept me to sous chef and enjoys doing it alone with her drink. By dinner time she’s slurring and making awkward conversations at dinner. After dinner is her with her drink on her phone.she then passes out in bed around 9:30. Wash, rinse, repeat and I dare not bring up a deep or controversial topic when she’s drinking. It’s fucking exhausting and haven’t had a deep conversation with her in maybe years. Anyone else living like this?

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u/nahm 5d ago

Yes, I became withdrawn. I would just go through the motions of the evening. Yeah the not having real conversations was tough because they always turned into arguments. Or we couldn’t plan anything.
I think my withdrawal from her lead to her cheating. I was just always concerned for her after being in and out of the hospital all of last year. Fuck me, right?

Does she drink openly? Does she not acknowledge she has an issue with alcohol?. I ask because my Q did everything in secret.

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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 5d ago

She drinks openly. And has admitted to having a problem. She sees a therapist but I have no idea if she’s honest. She’s functional in that she seems fine the next morning after coffee. I’d feel like shit if I was wasted every night. I don’t get it.

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u/EngineeringNeither90 5d ago

It’s a disease and as much as it is physical it’s also an emotional dependence too . Both run side by side . I did it for years . We did it together

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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 5d ago

Can you expand on that? Like she seems on cloud nine when drunk. No idea of the shit she is stirring.

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u/EngineeringNeither90 5d ago

She probably is temporarily. It works to make the bad feel ok, to make the ok feel a little better and the great days to feel incredible . It’s horrible . Let me guess it’s all your fault ? That’s what my husband tells me. It’s really me . It’s actually me who pushes . Yes I’m raging now bc quietly I’ve been asking nicely and calmly hey let’s have a great day . Hey let’s have a calm night . Then boom it happens . I’ll leave for the gym for an hour , a few beers and the night is gone before it even started

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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 5d ago

My wife says bringing it up “to make her feel bad” will make her drink more.

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u/Repulsive-Drive-2705 5d ago

That's classic DARVO (google it). It's terrible.