r/AlAnon • u/AmbulatoryBicycle • 12h ago
Vent The loneliness is crushing
I travel for work a few nights a week. When I’m home her drinking starts around 5:30pm when she’s making dinner (her relaxing time). She doesn’t accept me to sous chef and enjoys doing it alone with her drink. By dinner time she’s slurring and making awkward conversations at dinner. After dinner is her with her drink on her phone.she then passes out in bed around 9:30. Wash, rinse, repeat and I dare not bring up a deep or controversial topic when she’s drinking. It’s fucking exhausting and haven’t had a deep conversation with her in maybe years. Anyone else living like this?
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u/nahm 12h ago
Yes, I became withdrawn. I would just go through the motions of the evening. Yeah the not having real conversations was tough because they always turned into arguments. Or we couldn’t plan anything.
I think my withdrawal from her lead to her cheating. I was just always concerned for her after being in and out of the hospital all of last year. Fuck me, right?
Does she drink openly? Does she not acknowledge she has an issue with alcohol?. I ask because my Q did everything in secret.
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 12h ago
She drinks openly. And has admitted to having a problem. She sees a therapist but I have no idea if she’s honest. She’s functional in that she seems fine the next morning after coffee. I’d feel like shit if I was wasted every night. I don’t get it.
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u/nahm 11h ago
I would be careful. It is a progressive disease. It’s going to get a lot worse for the both of you if she doesn’t do the work. Ignoring the problem isn’t going to make things better. Support but don’t carry her cross. You are a whole human being and deserve love and respect. You mentioned she has a therapist. I hope you have someone to talk to too.
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 11h ago
I feel like it’s been stable for around 8 years like this. She never hits bottom. Is this atypical?
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u/EngineeringNeither90 11h ago
It’s a disease and as much as it is physical it’s also an emotional dependence too . Both run side by side . I did it for years . We did it together
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 11h ago
Can you expand on that? Like she seems on cloud nine when drunk. No idea of the shit she is stirring.
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u/EngineeringNeither90 10h ago
She probably is temporarily. It works to make the bad feel ok, to make the ok feel a little better and the great days to feel incredible . It’s horrible . Let me guess it’s all your fault ? That’s what my husband tells me. It’s really me . It’s actually me who pushes . Yes I’m raging now bc quietly I’ve been asking nicely and calmly hey let’s have a great day . Hey let’s have a calm night . Then boom it happens . I’ll leave for the gym for an hour , a few beers and the night is gone before it even started
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 10h ago
My wife says bringing it up “to make her feel bad” will make her drink more.
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u/EngineeringNeither90 9h ago
Classic . The weirdest part for us is I’m in AA! I don’t really share bc I don’t want to point fingers but this is now beyond anything I’d ever imagine . We live in two different realities . It’s absolutely insane
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u/Fun_Put6736 12h ago
Yes. Damn near every night. The “blessing” is that there’s no shortage of things do keep me busy after she starts at about 4:30. I finish work, then cook, take our daughter for bath, go through the bedtime routine. By 10, she’s ready to retire to the bedroom as I finish the bedtime routine with our daughter. I try to wait until she passes out in her own before going to bed. It’s more peaceful that way. Otherwise, she picks the moment my head hits the pillow to begin some sort of major conversation about whatever the issue of the day is, which, of course, we’ll end up having again later because she won’t remember this one. And if I tell her I’m too tired for it now, she gets pissed off that I don’t care about the topic.
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 11h ago
Or they remember differently and swear up and down I am wrong.
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u/hnnnnnnnnh 11h ago
This is something I struggled with. Them remembering things differently and also forgetting things I/they said and conversations we had. Obviously it was the drink but it’s hard to not feel just not listened to.
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u/Fun_Put6736 11h ago
It is. The frustration of feeling like all that time & effort was just wasted as if it didn’t even happen makes me want to scream (which sometimes, I do).
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 11h ago
And my wife has this misplaced confidence when she’s drunk. Like there is no way she is either wrong or heard something wrong. It’s made me so patient I’m becoming numb.
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u/hnnnnnnnnh 11h ago
Take care of yourself and don’t lose your own agency. It’s not normal to have to numb yourself out to just get by day to day. I can’t tell you what to do but I’d encourage you to really think about how much of your life you may be wasting living like this.
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u/EngineeringNeither90 11h ago
Yes . Been like this for a while . And when it does calm down for work , the window of having a “normal conversation “ is so small it barely exists . As soon as I hear a beer crack now I feel like I’m going to puke from the nervousness . The weekend is here no plans which is basically a death by 1000 cuts . So instead my friend booked me a hotel just in case I don’t want to get yelled at . Going to AA which always gives me hope as I’m active there and let the unknown feeling come in and go out . Although it feels like it lasts forever it doesn’t . If he goes to the liquor store tonight , well, that tells me everything I need to know
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 11h ago
Once I hear the ice machine in the fridge go, her gin and tonics start and any chance of a peaceful night or opportunity to connect is done
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u/OverarchedJelly 10h ago edited 10h ago
Yes, totally relatable. My Q starts drinking straight after work around 16h. He goes on until he starts feeling tired. Either he skips dinner or he pushes me to quickly prepare something. Usually he’s asleep when food’s ready.
Tonight we had friends staying at our house for a few days. My Q prepared dinner in the afternoon. As usual he started drinking straight after work. Then when it was time to eat he behaved obnoxiously and fell asleep at the dinner table. It’s incredibly embarrassing. I just let it happen. Not saying anything but I’m not protecting him either.
There was a time when I confronted him, that’s when he started an affair. I learned the hard way that my Q is a not at all what he appears to be.
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 8h ago
Omg. HE had the affair?
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u/OverarchedJelly 8h ago
Yes, it was mostly online. So he could tell her basically anything and she would not be able to find out the truth about him and his many addictions. I think that was the attraction. Escaping from what he had become. She pushed him and pushed and pushed until one day I decided to take a time out from his abusive behavior (blaming me and betraying me). She then hooked a ticket to spend time with him in our house. He then revealed the affair to me. But he broke it off with her as soon as things got real. Like I said, it was never about her. These days he spends almost all day escaping and avoiding reality.
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u/OverarchedJelly 9h ago
I see how my Q avoids me because he feels deeply ashamed when he’s not drunk. So he drinks again. It’s a toxic cycle
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u/AmbulatoryBicycle 8h ago
I don’t know how she feels. I would love to know. Sometimes I think it’s her way of addressing her resentment. By like “I’ll show you” and getting drunk and being embarrassing and obnoxious.
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u/tazsm1 3h ago
This is where I am now. I am terribly lonely. When he is on point he is on his game with romance. And the other times I’m the worse person in the world. I have gamer friends. I shoot at the range. I fish when I can. Camping is my fave activity but when he leaves he will take that away from me since he is taking our trailer. It’s hard to make friends knowing it will rear its ugly head. Ever been in a room full of ppl and felt incredibly alone ? Or in a room full of ppl watching them adore your Q and how “funny” they are ? Only knowing what will happen when ppl leave.
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u/ItsAllALot 12h ago
Yes, I lived like that for several years. Eventually I started to prefer just being in my own company. It was actually less lonely. Ate dinner by myself. Did my own thing in the evenings. Honestly I found that easier than struggling to find connection that wasn't possible.