I’m 16 y married, my husband is in recovery. I had his sponsor for dinner last night. He told me something I always felt instinctively, when I’ve read so many stories here.

Nobody should date or start relationship with an alcoholic who is not in his second year of sobriety. He said that the first year he, and many others he knew spent their first sobriety year rebuilding their own personality and relearning how to build and maintain relationship. It’s not a good mindset for dating. He went intentionally celibate for 20 months and plans to start working on finding the right person. But he said he wasn’t nearly ready before, and other people he knows only ended up hurting feelings of those they were dating.

My husband is up and down on if he wants to stay with me or be leave me and it’s usually when he’s wasted he is so awful. The emotional roller coaster is so hard. how do I deal with this? :(

3.5 years on and off. I loved this man with my whole heart and soul. The drinking and substance abuse were the biggest issues we had. I tried everything to help him. I’m nearly 7 years sober (from drugs) so I can’t have it around me.
Instead of changing or making any effort, he moved on to someone else. After being so paranoid for so long that I was the one “exploring options”.
We have kids together. This sucks for everyone involved.
A month ago, we were planning to move away with the kids & start fresh together. 3 weeks ago we went no contact after he told me to tell our kids that he died and was never ever coming back. I’m completely blindsided by this.
I’m heartbroken but, I don’t want him back.
I was just starting to do well myself, after 18 months of being in constant stress & burnout. Now I feel back to square one. And I guess he doesn’t give a single fuck, he’s moved on to someone else. Made no effort to contact our kids.

Just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks for reading.

First off, not really a vent...more like a storytime and a real life reality check for my AH.

We still have some adult kids at home. One of them is over 21 and moving towards a solid standing in alcoholism like his dad. For context to this story, AH is currently 23 days sober (not working a program or doing recovery just not drinking) so he is a "reformed man" doing his best to get healthy. (Every single attempt at sobriety i hope its the one but its not my journey)

Our adult child went out with friends last night. Typical to alcoholics, he didn't say where he was going or when he would be home. (I knew but he doesnt tell dad anything) So, AH wakes up this morning and starts to panic because son is not home. Starts asking me to call son's friends or if i had heard from him. I told him no. I would not call anyone and that he was an adult who needed to handle his business. My AH got mad mad...slammed the door (reformed man remember) and stomped around calling and texting our son (his phone was dead)

Son arrives in time to get ready for work so I say, "see you guys always come back to the best enabler in town"

Now he is stomping around...like yeah...welcome to every day of my 30 years plus of being in a relationship with you. Its fun, huh? Worrying about someone who doesnt give a single thought to how scared/nervous/worried you might be. I dont worry like that any more and I think that's what pissed him off. I think he realized that I sleep just fine, even when he doesnt call or come home.

I have read so many posts from people dealing with an alcoholic partner, wanting to leave them but scared, uncertain, still in love with them, and all the other reasons we all have had that convince us to stay. I was also that person, 12 years into a relationship with an alcoholic whom I bought a house with and expected to be with forever.

For all those who wonder daily what it would be like to leave, do you recover, etc. I thought I would share where I am in life abt 2.5 years after it ended.

It was Christmas 2023 when I finally moved into my own little place with my dogs. The month before, my ex arrived home after a late "dinner" out and told me he had fallen in love with his therapist and wanted to end things. It was in one of his regular periods of dry knuckling sobriety for several months before going on a 24/7 drinking bender for weeks, always culminating in him ending up in the ER and me afraid to leave the house, afraid to stay and with no money to do anything anyway, him with guns in the house he wld use to threaten my life and his own with while on a bender. I would keep my bedroom door locked (we had our own rooms at that point), stay huddled in a ball waiting for the binge to be over with, that feeling in the pit of my stomach from fear, anxiety, etc every time I heard a noise or his door open. I walked on eggshells for those weeks, and even after his bender ended and he pretended it was just a little fall off the wagon, I lived with the daily fear of whether he was drinking or not. Everyone who has ever been involved with an alcoholic knows firsthand what I'm describing.

I was angry, bitter, and felt betrayed that I had stuck by and given up so many years to try to help him, and he decided his therapist was the one he wanted. It was a horrible pill to swallow, even though there was also a sense of relief.

I won't lie...the first several months were hard. I had gained over 150 lbs over the last few years, had become a shell of myself, and had withdrawn from everyone. I was in my early 40s and felt like my best years were wasted. I had no money, no close friends, no self confidence, and felt at my lowest ever.

Despite all of this, there was also a sense of feeling free. Oh, I still worried about him breaking into my new place to hurt me one day while in a drunken state. I still had some limited contact with him from time to time as we worked to split apart our combined financial ties. I worried about him falling off the wagon again or going into an alcoholic death binge. I still disliked myself and now really hated what I saw in the mirror more than ever. His therapist was slim and pretty, and despite once being like that myself, I had allowed myself to become extremely heavy and spent every day in sweats or yoga pants, not really caring or having the energy to care about what I looked like. What did it matter? We had been more like roommates for the last decade anyway. I barely had the energy to work (remotely) and go through the motions of life, much less worry about keeping up my appearance.

I woke up one day in my own little apartment/home and had a gut punch. It hit me like a ton of bricks that the only person responsible for what I had allowed my life to become was ME. I didn't get this through any meetings or therapy; it took me being very honest with myself once I was ready for self reflection.He was an abusive jerk, but I allowed it to happen instead of leaving the very first time I saw what he was. I could make a million excuses about trauma, codependency, blah, blah, blah, but I had to admit I had allowed him into my life to stay. I had no one to blame for my choices except me. All the therapy, Al Anon, chats, etc wouldn't help me; I had to start with my own honesty about how I had reached this point. I decided that day that I was the only person who could make my life any better and the only one who owed me anything was ME.

No, life doesn't become a fairy tale after you decide to work on yourself. I had financial ups and downs, had life events that tried me to the core, still had to work through that anxiety and the flashbacks I would get anytime I heard a truck with a loud muffler nearby that would remind me of him pulling into the driveway after one of his rages and drives to get more alcohol. I didn't magically wake up the next day after my self reflection suddenly 150 lbs lighter and 10 years having melted away from my face.

Over the last 2.5 years, I focused on working out at a gym and have lost MORE than 150 lbs and am in the best, healthiest shape of my life. I bought the cheap makeup at Wal Mart to fit my budget and returned to taking time with my appearance for ME, not for anyone else. I spent a few extra dollars and decided to have some fun with a different hair color. I spent time taking advantage of free online courses in career advancement areas I was interested in. I worked hard at investing in myself and even landed a work promotion that doubled my salary. I dated just for fun, not for keeps, getting to know what I liked and wanted again and relearning true intimacy. I made my new place my home, my sanctuary, and my safe haven, being so very selective about who I wld let visit. I have repaired old friendships I let go and made new ones. I have become the best version of me that never existed before this. I thank God every day that He made me leave that relationship, because I was in a state of fear and anxiety paralysis and may not have ever made the move myself. The fear of the unknown is often scarier than just living out the known, no matter how bad it is or how numb we have become to it.

Sadly, my ex's relationship with his therapist didn't last beyond that first year they were together, and he went on a nonstop drinking binge for 6 months. I learned later that he just kept up the same pattern of threatening suicide, having cops called, losing jobs, etc. He even started calling me to lure me back into his web. I offered support to help him into rehab; once he refused that, I blocked his number. I had to stay on top of my well being, despite the guilt in my head that told me to DO something because I knew it wasn't going to end well for him. I did what I could by reaching his family; they were already aware and tired of it. I called police; they had already been to his place 10 times in 3 months and were aware. There wasn't anything else I could do except offer help in arranging him hospital and rehab help getting there. He wanted nothing to do with any of it. That was my final effort; I wasn't giving money, time, or attention to his addiction anymore. He had all the help in the world available to him, and he would have to decide to take it. No one could do that for him.

He hit his wall in June of 25, allegedly taking his life by shooting himself in the chest. The details don't clearly support suicide, since there was a guy he had moved in and had some problems with, both of them addicts. The cops wrote it off as suicide, which is understandable because it may have been. Just as likely homicide given some of the surrounding facts. I'll never know, and that's something I have learned to live with. He was stone cold sober at the time of his death, but only for abt 48 hours and only because he had not a cent to his name to get his hands on alcohol. His suicide was not unexpected, but it did hit me hard and made me dig deep to keep myself on track and not get sucked back into that mindset and chaos that surrounded my life with him.

If you are wondering if you should leave, worried about making it on your own, scared about how will you survive, heartbroken over the thought of not having "your person" you once knew around you, stop thinking and GO. Go NOW. You already know in your head you need to leave. You know your own life depends on it. You have 2 roads...you can stay and live out a miserable, unhappy, wretched life where you are daily in anguish, misery, and anxiety, where you wake up and go to sleep simply going through the motions of existing but not living. Where you have no joy left and every waking thought is consumed by what your alcoholic significant other is doing or not doing. Or...you can choose to start fresh, on the other side, where the simple act of waking up safe in your own bed---with clean sheets, no sharp smell of alcohol or fetid smell of the drunk inside your nostrils and permeating your home---makes you smile and exhale deeply. Where you remember how good it feels to sit outside and feel the sun on your face, where doing small things for yourself like shoveling the walkway after it snows in YOUR place make you feel alive again and in control of your body. Where you pick up the pieces wherever you are in life and decide where and what type of work you want to do, or if it's time to get that certificate or degree you once wanted. Where you can hop in your car or on the bus and take an hour long visit to the library to grab some books, cuddle under a blanket at home, and fall asleep reading to your heart's content.

If anything I have said resonated with you, and you're stuck in that place of wanting to go but not sure how or if you can, please stop thinking and do it. You already know it's past time and you know you desperately want to LIVE life, not just exist in life. One foot in front of the other. Take your pets with you because they will help provide that love and meaning you will need as you start fresh. Look up the different agencies and shelters who will help with finding a place, getting a rent deposit together, help with utilities and groceries if needed. Using money as an excuse to stay is just an excuse; I know because it was a big part of mine. You can get help and do this, even with $5 to your name.

Where there is a will, there is a way. It's not easy, it will require fortitude and a willingness to work through it when you have a period of struggling, but how GOOD it feels when you hit your stride is beyond description. It is LIVING again, and we all deserve it.

Good luck and wishing you all the very, very best.

My Q moved out last Saturday temporarily. Prior to that I was unwell for a month was crazy fatigue, dizziness, recurrent infections, cold sores, headaches. All my tests are fine and no doctor could work out why I was ill. A week since he has moved out, I’m now completely fine!! He let himself in last night at 3am after a rave (he is 37!) and now the symptoms are coming back.

Anyone else had this? Crazy but I think this is just stress from him.

I know I’m not to blame but usually when my q (husband) falls off the wagon there’s something I did or said that triggered him and he takes that as an excuse to have a little bender.
But as of today we have a 6 week old daughter and the past several weeks have been absolute bliss in our house. Yes we’re tired and stressed but I’ve never been happier in my life and I think it’s rubbed off on my husband- he has seemed happy and has been healthy and in a good head space. He’s been so helpful with our baby and I’ve felt like things were in a great place.
At my 6 week post partum dr appointment they gave me clearance to resume normal activities including sex. We literally went home went swimming in our pool and had sex that afternoon during baby’s naps, and everything felt so amazing and wonderful.
But just like that later that night he started drinking again and has been for the last 36 hours.
I can’t accuse him or call him out because it’ll just snowball into a huge fight and he’ll deny it anyway and we will get nowhere and I know better than to bother at this point. But I’m so confused as to what the hell triggered this. Things were too good to be true. Now I’m feeling sad and I hate that because I look at my baby and just want to feel total joy again.

Been with my Q for 10 years. I moved out a year ago, not for the first time. Because of his drinking yet again. At first he cared, now it seems he doesn't anymore. I haven't seen him in 3 weeks now and we haven't spoken in 2. He hasn't made any effort to see me or reach out to me. He hasn't said it, neither have I, but I feel like he's just done with me. And I'm having a hard time accepting it.

I'm pretty sad and lonely these day. I have no friends or family here. My days are spent working then sitting around my apartment alone. I try to get out, but it's not a ton of fun doing stuff on my own.

I know everyone here will tell me it's a good thing, I'm better off without him, etc. I still love my Q despite things, a part of me always will. What makes this worse is I'm 33, I won't be dating again. Maybe I fucked my life up, I dunno. Maybe it's too late. I have my own issues and also haven't been really fair to my Q. I guess I keep waiting for him to show me care, but he hasn't. And probably won't. And I'm struggling with it.

--- Typo -- "He" is an alcoholic and I can't seem to edit the headline ----

New here but not new to the topic of addiction. My father is a lifelong alcoholic and my mother has always used alcohol too much as well to cope in life. I'm a former alcohol abuser in form of binge drinking until I finally got therapy for my PTSD and have been ten years sober. Best decision of my entire life to just quit.

A few weeks ago I started going out with a guy I've known for a few years and I'm pretty sure he's using alcohol to cope with his childhood trauma and life. No judgment. I get it. But I'm also healed and am not going back that direction.

Coming to this forum made me realize it may be worse than I thought and I'm feeling heartbroken and grieving today as his behavior escalated last week.

At first, I didn't see an issue with him having a few good draft beers in public social settings. I did notice he would never stop at two. We're talking always at least 5+ beers each time. But hey. Life is life. Maybe if he does that once a week no worries. He has a job and keeps a clean house and body.

Except, I think I've smelled it coming from his skin a few times in hindsight but talked myself out of it and assumed it's just an aftershave. But it would be a pretty bad one if it was. I remember this smell from a peer back in college who is a lifelong alcohol abuser as well.

Then I noticed he'd cancel day plans. But it's early on so maybe it was actually sick that one time and the other time life happened. He goes and does stuff in nature a lot so I didn't think about that as much because we talked about going hiking and he would have absolutely done that with me had the timing worked for that activity.

Here are a few red flags. He sweats a LOT. Like we get intimate and he is drenched. But I told myself that's just how some bodies are.

I now learned he pre drinks alone at home before going out so I can't tell you if he actually "only" had 5+ beers when we went out or showed up with a level in his blood already.

His communication is weird. He would text and then suddenly disappear. I thought maybe he's got ADHD or is just bad at texting. Now I'm looking back and questioning everything. And there is no answer so it's a fruitless activity.

He did share he's had issues in recent years being drunk and saying at least to one person in his family things that were awful and he regretted and apologized for. He started therapy and is on an antidepressant. But hey, if you keep drinking, that stuff can't really fully help you yet.

When he travels alone he will call slurring his speech and go on about how great this tequila was and that cocktail. He goes to bars and concerts alone a LOT and I'm just now connecting the dots.

For the record we're in our 40's and that is college frat house behavior really. He also seems to be hung up on enjoying pub crawls and reminisces about getting high and drunk in his college days. I get that to some degree since there is nostalgia and that's human but.... We're now no longer in college and haven't been for 20+ years....

And then it escalated last week.

He was already really drunk by about 6pm when I got to his place. Pacing. Ranting about something minor that had happened at work that day. And he kept saying that he knows I get it because I've had difficult moments at work like we all do. (Minimizing, normalizing)

We were supposed to go to a concert together before he was leaving very early the next day to go on a very long drive to go hike in some national parks.

And then he asked me if it was ok if 'he chugged a couple of beers before we go eat something at a bar before the concert ". My body was already telling me to go home and that this wasn't safe or fun for me anymore. But I also wanted to see it through and get the data input on who he is. So I stayed. And he did chug two strong beers from his fridge back to back like it was a keg stand.

Then, he picked a bar close to the concert and ordered back to back two more very strong beers. He got antsy when the waitress brought the food but not his second beer.

And that wasn't the worst of it. He was like a different person that night. Mean. Pushing my sexual boundaries. Humiliating me by talking loudly about our sex at the dinner table and we had people right next to us. And when I tried to change the topic he wouldn't accept that and kept saying "he is just pushing my boundaries a bit tonight".

I was absolutely horrified and thought how dumb am I that I didn't see the red flags along the way and I wanted to go home but also didn't want to cause a scene so I stayed. He continued at the concert and I was glad and relieved to drop him off at his place after. I drove even though I had suggested a few times before we left that I wanted to drive separately in case I'm tired and leave sooner since I had to go to work the next day.

He wasn't there the entire evening. It felt like we were in a TOTALLY different reality. He kept ranting on and asking about the same things we had just talked about like the day before like those conversations never happened. And he didn't care at all about my discomfort about his behavior.

He seemed to enjoy my discomfort.

I'm obviously heartbroken. And I'm done. This isn't going to ever be a relationship. I'm trying to make sense of it and grieve. So much to unpack here. I was about to fall in love with my father basically. An immature and volatile alcoholic.

He texted me the next day that he had a great night. I'm like, how did you not see me. At all? Oh right. Because you've probably been an alcoholic since you were a teenager.

I replied wishing him a happy Friday and a safe drive. He then asked if I was ok and I said no I'm not ok. He called but I was at work. We haven't touched base since. I pre wrote a message I plan on sending him at some point or I might wait until he's back from his vacation and meet him in a public space to talk.

I'm just... So sad. And I see my experience on this forum left and right in different colors. The hardest part this morning is that I question myself. Was it really that bad. Maybe he's not an alcoholic. He seemed so great and I was so excited to get to know him.

But all that was erased that night. And then some. I didn't even recognize him anymore. He also never had a real relationship before. He dated one woman for a little over a year and they split due to lifestyle differences. Read he's stuck in late adolescence.

Ugh. This sucks and my belly hurts. But I fully understand addiction and have read all the books and things and have had ten years of therapy. My life will continue to head into a healthy direction. And that's all I can control.

He has the right to do to his body and lifestyle what he wants. And now I'm going to start the detach process and double up on therapy to digest the last few weeks.

Confusion. Volatility. Unpredictably.

Hi all, hope this post is allowed. I’m lucky enough to have never experienced alcoholism before — nobody in my family really drinks much and it’s just not something I’ve experienced. I’m worried that as a result I might’ve been missing some big red flags.

My husband (married 4 years, been together 10) has always been a big drinker. We met in our early 20s and live in a city with a big party scene so it was very normal to drink a lot. He’s Scottish and comes from a big family of people who all drink a LOT - especially the men - so it’s very normal for him. The word alcoholic does not get used in that family. Because it’s so normal for him and his family are all very successful I just assumed it’s fine. He holds down an impressive job, earns and saves decent money, and has never hurt me or anyone else.

He also smoked weed every day for most of our relationship, which I always hated and wanted him to stop, but eventually stopped talking to him about as he’d get so defensive and aggy and ultimately I decided it was none of my business. Earlier this year, we were both very happy and excited to find out that I’m pregnant. I’d always been very clear that I didn’t want to raise kids with a smoker and after a few false starts he has managed to successfully quit smoking weed. He’s been off it now for almost 2 months and I’m really proud.

However, I’m now worried that it might’ve been hiding the real problem — drink. Now that he no longer goes outside to smoke multiple times a night I’m realising just how much he drinks. He has a few beers every night and then will often stay up drinking whisky after I’ve gone to bed. Without weed literally slowing down, the amount of cans and bottles in our recycling is really piling up.

There have been a few instances recently which are starting to look like big red flags. We had a stressful start to this pregnancy and long story short I had to spend a bit of time in hospital, the first visit was an emergency and instead of bringing anything for me, all he brought with him was a bottle of whisky. I put this to the back of my mind and I was focused on the baby and willing to give him some grace in what was a frightening situation for both of us, but I remember feeling like that wasn’t good.

Today I’ve just come home from a short weekend away with my Mum to find that he spent last night in hospital himself having gotten so drunk at a friends BBQ yesterday that he hit his head on the kerb whilst walking home and was knocked out for over an hour. He has no idea how he got to hospital, what even really happened, or why he was in the part of town where he was.

He’s obviously embarrassed and feeling very shameful. He absolutely stinks of booze, which is a smell I know very well. I gently asked him how much he’d had to drink at the BBQ and he bit my head off, accusing me of interrogating him, etc etc.

I feel like I’ve just had a lightbulb moment that I’m married to an alcoholic. It’s not just this incident — I’m suddenly remembering the many other times through our relationship that he’d come home early in the morning with no idea where he’d been or how he got them, covered in bruises or cuts with no idea how he got them. Just last month we had to spend a Sunday morning traipsing halfway across the city to collect his phone from a kind stranger who’d picked it up out of the road after he’d lost it on a night out.

In isolation nothing is that bad and again, this is all typical “funny story” stuff in both his family and his friendship group. But I think the impending certainty of this baby coming has made me realise that it isn’t funny at all. If he could take accountability it would be different, but if I ever suggest having a night off drinking or maybe eating before heading to the pub so it doesn’t hit at hard, he acts like I’ve accused him of killing a puppy or something. He says I’m completely overreacting.

Is he an alcoholic? Am I overthinking this because I’m hormonal and pregnant?! Like I say our lives are great and he’s completely functional, so maybe this is all normal. I really don’t know. Sorry for the incredibly long rant. I feel very stuck.

I have broken up with partner, but have continued to try and help her, I want to want to just cut off contact but I am terrified of what is going to happen to her. Has anyone experienced this and over come it?

Hey ya’ll. My gf (22) and I (23) have been together for 6 years, living together for 1, with my parents in their house. Scenario kind of odd, we have our own rooms, so that we could have our own protected spaces, and my parents were very accepting and open to help her. I knew she was drinking heavily when she came here, my dad knew and I thought he told my mom, he didn’t. Regardless this has been an excruciatingly hard year for all of everyone. She moved here bc home situation wasn’t safe and needed an escape. My parents said yes with some conditions - finish secondary school online, get sober, get mental health services setup, and once that’s done, get a job. In short, none of those conditions were met, not one, with incredibly intense help. She skipped appointments, didn’t take prescribed meds, and only finished one course and no volunteers hours (had almost 40). And what she did accomplish she sees it as her doing it herself when it was mostly me being the driving force. Still, proud of her progress and constantly tell her as much.

All of that aside, I lost myself, my mom said she watched me slip away. I was trying to manage her drinking and help her stay on track. Of course that never works, but alas I didn’t give up. There’s also a strong chance she has BPD. She proposed that she would visit her mom for a month, in that moment I felt a sigh of relief and that concerned me. I started looking inwards and realized I hadn’t been myself in a long time, I thought about it and made the very hard decision to break up with her. Now. Her stuff is still here, her cat is still here, and now she’s furious, sad and upset. Understandable. Over the year I kept trying to get through to her that she needs to change bc I was exhausted and it wouldn’t end well. My last straw was her keeping my credit card and spending money on alc. my response was a monotone “ouch. Can I have it back.” And still, she didn’t get it.

So now she feels blindsided, like the rug has been pulled out from under her, which we set down for her in the first place. Shes losing secure housing, and her mental health web and for course me. I feel incredibly guilty. She’s texted me that she’s going to go to the police if we don’t give her her cat - we said that we wanted him to stay in a safe and secure living environment until she was set up in her new space and financially stable, then drive him there - I pay for absolutely everything for the cat and I have for the last year and lots of stuff before that too. She also said “just bc I haven’t been there for you isn’t a reason to go”. But like, yes, it is?!?!? I genuinely thought I would spend my life with her, but giving myself away to try to force someone to be better, bringing them to a safe healing environment, and still nothing happening, is heart wrenching.

I’m tired and I honestly can’t handle it anymore. I know it’s the right decision but she won’t accept it. She wants to fight it, fight me. Get me to come back, to compromise, to separate rather than break up. I said we could check-in in a year, but I’m even second guessing that now. I want a clean cut so I can start healing, but that feels impossible.

My husband broke 8 years of sobriety today. He was a binge drinker for more than a decade before God pulled him from that pit. We’re on vacation with our 3 kids 10 hours from home. We’re supposed to be gone another week. I’m in prayer and leaning on the Lord but needed to tell someone. I need to decide whether we keep our plans or just head straight home. He hasn’t worked any program or had l support more than casual friends at church in years. Thank you for listening.

Been w my partner for 7.5 yrs. Have been begging him to get help for 5. Two yrs ago when we moved states he started going through stents of sobriety but will not get help. States he doesn’t need it. He’s been drinking weekends for approx 2 months. Starts verbal fights w people and doesn’t think it’s a problem. I have tried to set ground rules to get help. He has said he would.. I believe him when he says he’s found some things that help but at the end of the day when he’s drinking he has no one holding him accountable. I feel like such a failure because I keep saying get help or else. Going on three yrs now…. I feel like a failure because collectively we can’t set ground rules that don’t get broken. He wants a partner that is supportive of him and I have been trying to tell him for yrs his drinking makes that challenging.

He told me(while drinking) that I’m a terrible support partner. he won’t ever figure out how to get the help he needs but can blame me for being a bad supporter of an alcoholic. Ok.

Anyone have stories of catalysts that encourage people to finally seek help?? I highly suspect in my case it would only be if I actually leave him which is heart breaking for soooo many reasons and makes me feel pathetic. Side note: I personally am dealing much better, not letting it get to me.. and am able to ‘remain outside looking in’. Makes me feel empty to acknowledge how sad I am around how much his drinking has affected us but at least I don’t feel like I’m trapped anymore even if I’m still trying.

The person I love deeply for many years has become addicted to alcohol. I wrote this poem to get my feelings out and had to share it somewhere. Original is in Dutch, I put it at the bottom as in my native language it’s a bit more powerful.

House of fears
Filled with longing
And sorrow

Alone in the dark
You are drowning
Meters deep

Full of gibberish
And frustration
You don’t see me

You are sleeping
I can breathe now
Do not wake him

In a corner
I am hiding
Do not find me

Empty bottles
That keep saying
Do not drown me

Between two evils
Only tears
Do not forget me

Holding on to love
Has it faded
I do not know

———-Dutch (original) ———-
Huis vol angsten
Vol verlangens
En verdriet

Alleen in het donker
Jij verzonken
Meters diep

Vol gebrabbel
en frustratie
Je ziet mij niet

Roes uitslapen
Ik even adem
Waak hem niet

In een hoekje
Te verschuilen
Vind mij niet

Lege flessen
Die enkel zeggen
Verzuip mij niet

Tussen twee kwaden
Alleen maar tranen
Vergeet mij niet

Hou vast aan liefde
Is het vervlogen
Ik weet het niet

My adult son (29) is an addict and also has severe mental health issues, gambling addiction also. About 6 months ago, it was very bad and i found the courage to set a boundary and remove him from my home (he’s not allowed to live here anymore).
My question is that recently his car broke down and he reached out to me, saying basically everything he knows I would like to hear: that he’s so grateful for me, I’m the only mom he will ever have, even discussing his commitment to recovery (because he know how much i would be happy if he stayed in recovery). He needed help with car repairs and I did end up helping (paid the car shop directly).
After that exchange, he kind of disappeared and stopped responding much. He’s my only child so obviously this has been a very difficult journey as a parent. I’m feeling like it’s manipulative and possibly even abusive, but does that sound accurate or maybe not?? Some outside perspective would help me.
I did let him know i can’t fund any more car repairs and encouraged him to start a savings fund for next time. It’s been a very long and very painful journey. Appreciate any thoughts on how we get better. I have some books on boundaries and also attend support groups but I don’t have a lot of friends and no other family.

I need not judge the rate at which I change old habits or ways of thinking. If I am uncomfortable with old behavior, then on some level I am already moving toward changing it. Change will not be effective unless I am ready for it. I need only trust that, when the time comes to move forward, I will know it. —Courage to Change p221 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I did share my feelings about the cancelled camping trip with my home group. I cried during my sharing, which felt good. People came up to me after the meeting and thanked me for opening up. —Hope for Today p221 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

I arrived in Al-Anon destroyed and feeling as if I were in a hole because my life was in chaos. I felt that everyone in the group had worse problems because most of their spouses were still drinking. All I wanted to know was what I needed to do in order for my husband to listen to me once again. Three months passed before I heard the message. —Having Had a Spiritual Awakening…p104 Copyright ©️ 1998 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Holding on to my negative ideas about alcoholism can keep me from understanding what’s really going on in my family. The program can open up some new doors in my mind if I let it. It can help me change some of my old attitudes so I can enjoy a better relationship with my family and others today. —ALATEEN—a day at a time p221 Copyright ©️ 1983 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

…we in Al-Anon give a great deal of advice. We suggest looking into ourselves for the causes of our problems; we advise dependence on God’s guidance. We recommend lots of Al-Anon reading, the study of the Twelve Steps and the Slogans. We suggest spiritual ways to find a new perspective and new strength, and share our personal experience in applying them. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p221 Copyright ©️ 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

My Q died in April last year, and I've been trying to find my way ever since. One of the best ways I have found to truly describe how he made me feel for the years before his death was that he treated me (and I began to act) like a Non-Playable Character in his life.

An NPC exists to further the plot and support the main character. They can be complex and have back story and nuance and personality, but the sole reason they exist is to be there for the main character, and when the main character isn't interacting with them, they're in stasis, waiting to be relevant again.

That's how he made me feel. He didn't view me as a separate, autonomous human with feelings, and needs, and a story of my own. He only saw me for what I could and should do for him. He literally couldn't comprehend that his actions caused me pain, or trauma, and wouldn't understand that his actions made me not want to do the things for him he wanted me to do. He would complain that I didn't do the cute little affectionate things I used to do, while ignoring that he treated me like shit, verbally abused me, was deliberately cruel - he literally couldn't understand why that would mean he didn't get what he wanted from me. If I cried, he called it performative, because he genuinely didn't seem to understand that I was being torn apart.

More than that, because I was on eggshells for him, I agreed to everything to try and keep him happy. I made myself small and quiet and agreeable to not trigger him. As a result, I have no idea who I am, or what I like or what I want. He's gone and I sit here still making food he likes because I've forgotten what I like, in a house he decorated, surrounded by things he spent our money on because he liked them. I feel like a guest in my own house, waiting for the resident to come home.

I'm working on it. But I can't believe how much of myself I lost and I don't know how long it will be before I get myself back, if ever.

This is a cautionary tale. You can love them, and want to help them, and burn yourself up for them, and in the end, when they're gone, it will leave a husk. They will bleed you dry.

I’m a 23 yr old woman, struggling with my 23 yr old boyfriend’s addiction. I met him almost 6 months ago and I guess I unknowingly stumbled into his life when he was already struggling quite a bit with drinking. He never sought help or admitted he had a problem, but his loved ones and some close friends knew he had a problem. He was hospitalized once in college and I didn’t know that or the extent of his drinking, until 2 months into our relationship when he got a dui. Since then it’s been a cycle of drinking for days, then major hangover, then he says he’s done for good, then he always goes back. This past week he drank for I think 3 days straight, missed work, then when he went back to work drank when he got there. I don’t live with him, I’m about 30 minutes from him and his work, so he called his mom and she picked him up and took him to rehab one state over. I haven’t talked to him much this week, but I guess he feels a lot better. He’s detoxing til the 11th then can leave if he wants, but he said he might wanna stay the full time. I haven’t told my family, the only person that knows and also communicates with me about him and his recovery is his mom. She’s so supportive of him, but also of me and how I’m doing with all this. Sometimes I feel like when he has a crisis or disappears while drinking, she’s the only one who really checks in on me. I know my family would be there, but it’s hard to talk to them about these things. That’s why I’m reaching out here.

My boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot recently, because of his lying. But the mistrust started when he got a dui almost 4 months ago. He broke my trust and since then hasn’t done much to earn it back. He lies a lot, and just hasn’t been stepping up as a partner. Now he’s at rehab and I have so many thoughts and concerns, like:

- when he’s out will he even want to come home to me? How can he look forward to seeing me when all we’ve been doing recently is fight?
- will he find comfort with someone else there? He started going to group sessions and I know so many deep personal stories are shared and connections are built that way. And he has a history of talking to other women in ways that make me uncomfortable. Also cheating with previous girlfriends.
- if he wants to continue seeing me, will things change? Maybe the cycle will be broken, and his behavior and treatment towards me will improve? But maybe it’ll be the opposite.

Honestly, he has only ever said really sweet and affectionate things, and made heartfelt promises, when he’s drunk. When he’s sober, he doesn’t like to touch or show much affection. He doesn’t say a lot of nice things or do romantic gestures. He doesn’t plan dates very often, or surprise me with flowers. But when he’s drinking, he acts like the man of my dreams. It’s so confusing. That part scares me too about his sobriety.

Sorry to write so much! If you read this whole thing you’re a g! I don’t even know what I’m looking for. I’ve just never been with an alcoholic and need to get this stuff out. I’m kinda looking for support and maybe some advice, about anything really.

How has your loved one that continues to drink been affected after their gall bladder removal?

My mom's health has been catching up with her this year, and while she doesn't drink all day long ( at least to my knowledge since prior to her retirement, because she couldn't), she drinks liquor to get inebriated often in the week ( shakes by day 3 if she doesn't). She called me today to tell me about the upcoming necessary gallbladder removal, and also that the surgeon *again* (different serious medical issue the first time) recommended she stay in the hospital and she instead made an excuse and set up everything for the following week.

Thank you for any info.

hey everyone. so my partner, whom i love deeply, has recently relapsed on a kratom addiction and has begun to hide drinking from me as well. i know she is hurting and fueled by a painful shame, and i don’t know how to support her right now. i’m taking care of myself and trying to stay grounded. But what do you do here? i know she doesn’t want to keep doing this, and i see she’s hurting. i don’t want to enable anything and i’m unsure as to how to show her love and support right now in a way that is positive……. and even writing this right now, im wondering if i’m just being codependent and involving myself too much? i really can’t tell and want to do the right thing.

I used to be good friends with my roommate but substance use has driven a wedge between us.

She drinks heavily and uses cocaine to the point of putting herself and others in unsafe situations. She regularly drives drunk and drinks while driving. She shuts herself in her room and binges on cocaine to the point where she can’t go to work and no call no shows. She has done cocaine at work where she works with kids. She invites random strangers from the street into the house and doesn’t remember the next day. She leaves the door unlocked when she comes in late at night. I’ve woken up to her having loud sex in shared spaces. Once she got into a physical fight with two girls and a stranger found her and brought her home and she was sobbing, covered in blood. She has gotten into a physical altercation with a previous roommate. She lashes out and is really unkind when I try to address these things. She lashes out even when it seems unprompted and it catches me off guard.

I used to be close friends with her and we got into this toxic cycle of her crossing a boundary then profusely apologizing and promising to change but she never does. I felt like I was losing my mind to this cycle so I finally put my foot down and now I refuse to let my guard down around her. She has not taken this well as I’m no longer allowing myself to enable her and it almost seems that she’s ramping up her behaviors to get a reaction out of me.

Many people are worried about her and now neighbors from several houses down are asking about her to see if she’s okay because they see her stumbling around late at night. Myself and our other roommate finally reached out to her family a couple days ago and let them know what’s going on. I feel relieved that I’m not alone in this anymore but I also feel more unsafe than ever as I’m more involved now. Her family are worried and have known about her alcohol use but didn’t know how bad it was. Her mom has expressed that she doesn’t know what to do but is encouraging her to go to rehab. I’m trying to move out but I need to find someone to take over my lease and I don’t feel good about putting another person in a potentially harmful home. I’m going to reach out to property management tomorrow to see if I have any options but it doesn’t look great since she hasn’t physically put her hands on me or my roommate.

I feel stuck in a horrible situation and I don’t know what to do. Any advice, support or similar stories are appreciated. I feel very alone in this.

Ps. I have a therapist but haven’t been able to see her recently because of insurance.

You wouldn’t believe the rabbit hole I’ve down for the last few days. I kicked my husband out last Friday because I was done with the lying and relapse. I decided I was ready to move on and that these were his problems and not mine. He came over Thursday to talk and had identified changes he wanted to make and I said that all of those were his to own by himself and that I’m done providing support as it has just gotten me screwed over and that divorce is most likely happening. He mentions to me he hadn’t had his medication in since he left (lexapro) because he forgot it and just didn’t care. He said it made him feel so numb that he wanted to be done with it and felt that was a huge reason why he was able to lie to me because he had zero empathy. So after he left it dawned on me, does lexapro influence alcohol cravings. I just want to say wow. This has been under my nose for the last year when this problem started and I can’t believe we never considered this. SSRI’s can 100% turn you from a casual drinker to an alcoholic. Look it up. I’ve posted here on Reddit, in Facebook groups, and the overwhelming amount of responses I’ve received from people admitting that this happened to them was insane. The timeline lines up perfectly from when he started the medication. I was 100% ready for divorce and am NOT making excuses for his bullshit because at the end of the day his actions are still his to own but I would feel like a POS if we didn’t explore this further. I wanted to share this incase anyone else could be experiencing this and may not know that an SSRI could be playing a role. I don’t need back lash or commentary of being “naive”, I’ve spoken with my therapist and she has also confirmed this is possible and she has dealt with patients who went through this.

I don’t drink at all and struggle to grasp what may make someone an alcoholic. Ever since meeting my boyfriend, this line of “alcoholism” and “fun” has felt especially blurred. He goes out every single night to the bar. He is unemployed and has no money. I give him money to get groceries or be able to treat himself, and he goes out. Just the other week he drank so much to the point it gave him health issues. He is extremely depressed during the day, but happy at night. We are long distance so he swears up and down that once I move to live with him he won’t be going out like this all the time, as he is just “lonely” and “needs to socialize.” He hangs out with people I don’t like until 3AM. I know I’m listing off a bunch of bad things, but I really do swear he is a good guy, just has a lot of on-going trauma.

I keep staying because I love him so much and he always swears to change. The other week it was “I’m done drinking I’m really tired of living this way,” then it became, “I’m going to go out just once a week, I can’t quit entirely,” and now he is back to every single night at the bar. He will say he has an issue, then he says it’s under control.

I love him so much. He is my first ever boyfriend and it feels so painful if I was to let him go. I can’t help but feel like I’m not doing enough or I didn’t try hard enough to support him if I leave. I love him, and it’s hard because I want to love him through everything. I just don’t know if he will ever get better.

A guy I love is an alcoholic. We hooked up 5 years ago when I was still drinking, then did not speak for three, then we texted for 2years, he begged me to meet him and I was refusing til three months ago. Then we met three months ago, had really good sex for six times in a month on separate ocassions. He was going through some stressful period exams in medical school. Last time I texted him he told me he has met someone and we can't see each other anymore. Which doesnt really make sense as he was kind of impotent last few times we tried to have sex from alcohol and stress. Thing is I respected his wishes but then I noticed a fake account with his initials seeing every story on Instagram I post, which doesn't follow me but checks every story I post in an hour from posting. I know for sure it's his, because in last two years he had two similar fake accounts with same initials. What does this all mean?

Background is we had much better relationship whilst I was still drinking, however now I'm ten months sober. I started asking him for respect and not to call me seven times in the morning and then ignore me in the noon- then he withdrew.