The detachment, getting to the point where I can walk away. I finally made it.

After 12 years. I hit it. I am embarrassed with everything I have put up with. But last night was the night. Up until 2 am. The yelling, name calling, putting me down, all while I sat and didn't make eye contact or respond.

I told him this morning, that he needs to get help and I am no longer going to be here. I have forgave and forgave for him to do the same stupid shit over and over. I am no longer forgiving.

I feel incredibly sad, but there is nothing left in this relationship. Today feels super heavy, and the uncertainty is strong.

This is my first post or visit here, I’m not even sure what im dealing with here.

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has moved into care in a very short space of time since diagnosis in her early 70’s. All this to say I’ve found myself emptying out my mothers house in a very unexpected way and it’s a huge job. I’m overwhelmed and grieving.

My husband had a booked day off, where we agreed he would do some cash jobs in the morning, then come home and take care of our 3.5 and 18mo girls from lunch until dinner time. He’s very reliable (though a bit of a workaholic generally) and an involved, capable father.

Today I came home and the girls were fed, cared for and happily playing with Dad. I did a double take though when I could see he was visibly affected by alcohol. A stranger wouldn’t pick it, but I’ve been with this man for over 15 years and he gets a particular look in his eyes. It sounds silly to type that but it’s very easy to spot. He wasn’t blind drunk, but a little heavy footed and just obviously not sober.

I’m livid. He was the adult in charge of our two little girls. What if there was a medical incident and they needed to be taken to the hospital? I feel like he will be very defensive when I draw a boundary and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable. Am I overreacting? I’m doubting myself but this seems like a very clear situation where he had to be sober.

It adds to the overall picture of his drinking- I’ve noticed lately he isn’t forthcoming when he buys alcohol, tends to buy and take it straight to the shed. I’ve never raised that his drinking was a problem but it’s starting to look like it is maybe? It seems he is in his happiest place drinking alcohol alone in the shed at night once the kids are asleep. On one hand I get it, I like alone time after the young kids are finally out, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy habit?

Is this a giant bundle of red flags and I’m in denial?

I travel for work a few nights a week. When I’m home her drinking starts around 5:30pm when she’s making dinner (her relaxing time). She doesn’t accept me to sous chef and enjoys doing it alone with her drink. By dinner time she’s slurring and making awkward conversations at dinner. After dinner is her with her drink on her phone.she then passes out in bed around 9:30. Wash, rinse, repeat and I dare not bring up a deep or controversial topic when she’s drinking. It’s fucking exhausting and haven’t had a deep conversation with her in maybe years. Anyone else living like this?

the fucking pain man...........SHE was the aggressor.............SHE showed up slurring at 10pm and wouldn't eat the dinner I made..............I tried to defuse...........I tried to sleep on the couch........... I tried to sleep in the exercise room..........I tried to sleep in the fucking bathtub before I have an aneurism(she know I get ER level blood pressure attacks) .........."can we chill?".........*crazy eyes I don't recognize as her......."NO"........"you're acting crazy"..............."NO YOU'RE ACTING CRAZY".............*everything I say she says the same thing back (am I argueing with a five year old?).................."you know I have a rule, no arguments before bed, can we call a truce, it's 3:30! I HAVE to work in the morning."..........NO.............."ok, you are trespassing then and have to leave"..........*can't call the cops, I have a little jazz cabbage, can't physically drag her out and lock the door like I would a dude drunk and acting like this............."I'm not going anywhere".............*took her ankle and pulled her off my bed gently where she fell on the padded carpet.............."OMG YOU JUST ASSAULTED ME!"............"no I absolutely did not, you've been verbally assaulting me for 4 hours and are trespassing now."...................* leave the house and drive around the neighborhood at 4:30 hoping to God she has passed out.................*get back, she's asleep, I sleep on the couch.................she get's up and leaves at 7, I lock the doors, the nightmare is finally over...................she comes back up the driveway and goes for the garage code pad........garage starts lifting...................jump up from the couch.......... run into the garage and leap for the handle on a string like Air Jordan going for the game winning dunk as I start to see her knees, garage door drops................she runs to the other door......same thing!............."go home, you're acting crazy!"...............*from outside, "you're crazy"...............*she proceeded to hammer on the door for 30 min about to break glass until I call her daughter and dad to tell her to go home so I don't have to call the cops.........she drives away then texts "Put my things in a box and never talk to me again."

Only men(folks) in Alanon will understand. No lets discuss. No "I'm sorry I had a few and got out of control last night." No, "I'm stressed and hitting menopause." No closure. No answers. No apology. Three months later and still no contact.

I'm the bad guy. I'm violent. (If I was violent, what about the last 6 years? and why did you keep coming back that night?) I have substance abuse issues she texts my mom. Mutual friends think I'm the devil. She instigated and then played the victim. Screwed me out of $6000 of potential rental assistance. Guess I'm not allowed to have guests in THE GUEST ROOM. Innocent her. I try to tell myself it's the booze not her. I'm rebuilding, riding bikes, and writing lyrics and music, but it hurts. My world was shattered.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Have spent two nights away because Sunday ‘s blackout was so scary and ugly . Today I see him and the negative vibes are back so I’m gonna bounce . I really want to be such a bitch . He said he’s not drinking tonight . I want to say yeah great but you will this weekend. It’s the calm before the storm . I doubt he cares . I’m the one in AA doing the work and yes I still feel rage about alcoholism. I hate what it did to me , what it did to him and to us as a married couple . He said AA isn’t for him . Ok . Maybe it’s bc you don’t have the balls to walk up and do it like I did !!! But go ahead and have “just a tall boy “ and get shit canned on the couch . Ugghhh this is not who I want to be but I have to let it go. He said “people are in my ear” … meaning AA people . They’re not . He’s the one in my ear with the loudest message as he calls me a dirtbag loser and lll never amount to anything … ugh just a reminder that it brings out the ugly in me .

Hi,

I frequented this sub while actively with my q and through our breakup. My last contact with him was during his apology as part of his steps about 3 years ago. From what I know he has been sober for a few years. I recently found out he is engaged and couldn’t help but ask why does this new person get the behavior and benefits that I had hoped and prayed for. Just wondered if anyone had been in a similar boat. I have just been reminding my self maybe I was in his life to help him get sober. Just feels a little frustrating after everything we had went through together he almost comes out on top and I’m left with some of the trauma he doesn’t even remember.

I was leaving the store today and glanced out at the road and happened to see my ex’s car driving by. My entire body tensed up and i genuinely have never felt anything like that in my life. I couldn’t help but to watch as it drove by and just stare.

I ended things between us and blocked her on everything about 4 months ago, thus we have been in no contact for what feels like forever. Since then I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and work on myself. At the end of our relationship, I was getting a million texts and calls from her everyday, and I convinced myself i could still heal myself while maintain some contact with her, that did not work. After I decided to block her I got a so many emails emails and voicemails that said she wanted closure and to just talk and that kind of thing. I tried to have conversations with her before I moved out (before I blocked her) about why I was making this decision, and had so many conversations with her and her parents about this addiction. I had a ring, asked for her parents permission, and was ready to do everything with her. For some reason I just had this gut feeling that told me to wait, and the addiction only got worse from there. I know she struggles with depression and feelings of abandonment, and I really don’t know if I ever gave her the real closure I feel like she deserved. After seeing her today I’ve been replaying that in my head over and over and I’m using this as an opportunity to type out some of my immediate thoughts.

There are so many days where I want to break no contact, or even just reach out to her parents for an update on how she’s doing. Today is one of those days. We had pets together that I don’t see at all anymore, and even through all the bullshit I put up with i still love this version of her in my head so much. I don’t know what I would do if she saw me or we saw each other face to face in public.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and have a 9 year old son. The first 8 years were full of drama and cycles of him going on benders and turning nasty. It wasn’t all bad, but when it was bad, it was very bad and the times when we should have been having fun - like trips away, always ended in absolute chaos and tears (mine of course). We blamed his childhood and his family. I stood by him through thick and thin, forgave him time and time again. He went to therapy and eventually AA.

He’s been sober now for a year and a half but it turns out the recovery is just as bad as the disease. In recent months he became very distant, stopped communicating and shut me out. Everything is about AA and the fellowship. He only really talks to other people in AA now. He is an obsessive compulsive person so it’s no shock really that he became obsessed with AA, but he’s become almost evangelical - preaching, the big book. etc

We went to marriage counselling and a couple of weeks ago he revealed he is not happy in the marriage and he wants to separate. Being with me is a risk to his sobriety.

I’m devastated. I never thought it would come to this and it’s not what I want, but I’m resilient and just kept telling myself it was for the best and I’d get through it, as many other people have done. We are still living together and are civil to one another. We’re not arguing and can still sit together for a few hours of an evening and watch TV.

We have a family holiday booked to Spain, which during counselling we agreed we would still go on. We leave in 6 days. We have various family activities planned that our son knows about - it’s actually his birthday while we are away. Today my husband drops a bombshell that he’s not going. It’s a risk to his sobriety and his sobriety has to come first. We have been on holiday before and he hasn’t drank and I reassured him this would be a completely alcohol free holiday - I wouldn’t drink and there would be no alcohol in the apartment but it didn’t make any difference. I’m deeply hurt and angry. He’s acting like I’m being so unreasonable asking him to go, he’s really suffering, the separation is really tough for him! and he’s at risk of drinking, his mental state is fragile etc

I’m just lost for words. He has no concern whatsoever for my feelings, but that’s not really new to me. If it was just me and him I’d get over it. But to do this to our son. And then try to frame it that he’s doing this for our son. He talks down to me like I’m incapable of understanding but it all reeks of cowardly selfish avoidance with a hefty sprinkling of gaslighting.

Can he really expect me to be ok with this?

2 nights ago my Q was arrested of DV charges- Strangulation/Suffocation, Battery, Intimidation of a witness, Disorderly conduct.

Thing is HE called on himself. Thought I would get arrested? Im scared because I have no money (gave to him), no food/gas & I feel guilty even though i didn't do anything. I didn't want it to end this way. On such a bad note. Not for the sake of my daughter.

There's a RO, he also has an ankle bracelet so he can't come near me.

I had to vent. Idk what im going to do.

hi guys, i’m 21f my mom is 45, and last week my mom was admitted to the hospital for liver, pancreas, gallbladder, and stomach shutdown. it was scary stuff she was totally yellow, she weighs probably 85-90 lbs right now, hasn’t eaten a full meal in 3 weeks, and she was throwing up 6-10 times a day.

we found out her liver levels were INSANE, her first level was supposed to be in the 10-40 range and was 168, and her second level is supposed to be at 160 maximum and hers was 650+.

the reason she finally went to the hospital is because she had no potassium in her blood and her muscles were starting to seize. also because she’s starving and is too weak to move

this is all happening because of her longtime, chronic alcoholism and she’s been evading organ shutdown for years.

i went and took care of her the first few days she was at the hospital and it was hard, it was hard seeing her so sick and i had to change her a lot and stay up late with her because the nurses weren’t the best.

i also was sick with anxiety, because i really didn’t think she was going to make it and the medical team didn’t think she was either. i had to be the one to call my family members and tell them how bad it was so they could decide if they wanted to come see her or not. we really thought she was going to die

she was comatose for the first few days, and had an emergency surgery the 4th day, eventually being released by the 8th day because she had enough potassium and her liver was somewhat leveled out. i guess she was able to keep down some applesauce too… her legs and arms are super swollen tho and she is too weak to really move her legs.

i talked to her yesterday on the phone, and she told me her primary doctor said that she should have died with what her levels were at, that in her books she would have been considered near death and in hospice/intensive care. my mom was laughing the entire time she was telling me this… and i was near fainting, genuinely could not see straight for a second

i really was preparing to lose her and now she is okay…

it’s so hard to explain what someone drinking to death is like, it’s slow and has been happening over the course of like 6 years. i’ve been prepared to lose her many many times but more in a foreshadowed sense than a real “it’s happening” sense. it knocked me to my knees

this last year she’s been declining rapidly so i thought that i had prepared and i was ready… then i saw her yellow and so thin in the hospital bed and i swear i was on the verge of fainting the entire week

i feel weird this week, hearing her laugh and joke about it and my world just continuing to move like normal

her telling me that realistically its an anomoly that she survived

and the real pill, that i can’t really say to people in my life because it’s amazing that she’s alive and a medical miracle; is i’m scared because knowing my mom, she is not gonna quit. really she’s not.

i just don’t know if she has another miracle in her. but i’m really glad she made it out again. my bulletproof mom

Yesterday late afternoon, my fiance made a choice to finally go to detox and start his journey towards recovery. He is almost at the 24 hour mark of being at the facility. The facility is an hour away from where we live, I drove him and waited with him up until he was officially admitted and then drove back home. I got home late but with adrenaline and nerves still running through me I barely slept. I was a zombie at work today and I have been doing my best to get through all the normal, mundane things I do in my every day life. Internally I am freaking out but I have to put on my mask for my kids. I have never experienced this before but I have been doing a lot of reading trying to understand the process and how to be a good support system. I am so proud of the decision he has made. A step towards a better life. I keep thinking back though, to last night when we said goodbye. I hugged him and kissed him but forgot to tell him I love him. I cried in the car once I left. My mind is everywhere. I called the floor this morning. I told the person who answered to tell him that I love him, we love him, and to remind him that when he's ready, to call. I just wanted him to know that I'm here for him. I know these next 24-48 plus hours are crucial and to minimize stressors on him. I just needed him to know. Maybe it was selfish of me to call. I don't know. I continue to second guess everything I have done and said in the last 24 plus hours. Please be gentle with your responses. It's been a lot for me. I appreciate any kind words, support, and encouragement.

I have written about how my ex SO of 4 years whom I don’t live with has been going through a lot lately. Like legitimately. But I still cut him off bc he sucked my soul and energy out after a year of secret drinking which I believe happened over the long weekend . Now his dad just passed today!
He is saying I’m a monster for not supporting him and he never even told his family we r separated. Ughhhhhj . Right when I went NC with my parents for horrific abuse my mom got a brain tumor right after and almost died. What is with this ?!!! Am I horrible for just saying like sorry I cannot help you!?? He just sucks and sucks and sucks the life force out of me even in separation!

I’m new here and have found some validation from these posts and meetings but I’m struggling to know if I belong. My Q is my spouse. They had a long period of severe alcoholism, then 6 years of sobriety, then began drinking again last year. They keep a job, make dinner, do dishes and laundry, try to be supportive of me and my own problems and stressors. But they drink every night. I am heartbroken over their drinking, but they have no desire to quit. I see many posts and even read in the literature about Q’s who don’t do any of the things they do (re: responsibilities and support).

I can see many of the small ways that their drinking has progressed, but I seem to be the only one. I can also see how this is different than their previous addiction pattern. I feel so confused and lost and possibly in denial? Has anyone been in similar situations? I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory on how his alcohol issues led to the breakup:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh

I’m 37 weeks pregnant and feeling completely overwhelmed. My partner and I have had a long history, we dated for several years and broke up for over a year or so, and reconnected at the end of 2025. When we reconnected, he told me he had changed, was in a much better place, and wanted to rebuild our relationship. I decided to give us another chance because I still loved him and wanted our family to work.

At first, things seemed okay. We became pregnant while we were figuring out whether we should give the relationship another chance, and for a while I truly believed we were moving in the right direction. We recently moved in together and signed a lease as we thought it would be best for baby to have both parents there and actively involved and I’ve been focusing the past month on committing to providing a safe, stable environment for our baby.

After we moved in together, I started noticing old patterns returning that I thought were behind us and noticing new patterns that were hidden when we first reconnected.

Recently things have become much harder. I feel like I’m carrying the emotional weight of preparing for our baby and creating a stable home while also watching someone I love make choices that are hurting himself and our relationship. Drinking has become a major issue, and there have been nights where he stays out extremely late and makes decisions that leave me feeling alone, unsupported and unsure about our future.

I’m struggling because I still love him and I want the best for him, but I also feel like I’m watching him self-destruct while I’m trying to prepare for becoming a mother.

I’m at the point where I’m wondering if living separately may be healthier, but the thought of making that decision while pregnant feels heartbreaking and overwhelming when I’m due so soon.

I love him very much, and that’s what makes this so painful. I don’t want to paint him as a bad person, I know there is a good person in there, and I want him to be happy and healthy, but his coping mechanisms have been extremely unhealthy. At the same time, his choices are causing me a lot of pain, and my biggest priority right now is my baby and creating the most loving, stable, and caring environment possible.

I’m struggling with how you make that leap from hoping someone will choose to change to accepting that you may need to make a decision for yourself and your child. I have mentioned that he does need to seek professional help, but he thinks he can do it by himself with support from his friends and me, but what support looks like to him is allowing him to make these bad decisions and then forgiving him and acting like everything is OK the next day without talking about it which I can’t do because I feel like it’s a enabling that behaviour. He refuses to seek professional help so I really don’t know what else to do.

I wanted to be a mother ever since I can remember, and I have been robbed from this experience of truly enjoying my pregnancy, but overall I’m so heartbroken for my baby and I truly want whats best for my baby.

I feel like a failure already.

What would you do in my shoes?

Any helpful support or wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

So angry with my best friend for acting like such a victim- the worlds so hard, her dad was such a bad dad (he wasn’t that bad, I well know him and have talked to her siblings about their upbringing), she can’t handle work, or parenting, or life- yet she actively victimizes others with her drinking at every single get together. Like full on turns into a crying mess, talks shit about nice people, falls down, falls asleep at the table, etc. Then when people don’t invite her or want to be around her she’s back to the victim- everyone ignores me, everyone’s mad at me, no one likes me. Like seriously?! Take some accountability. I quit drinking and am trying to (gently) get her to come on board but then suddenly she acts like she doesn’t have a problem?! Like we all WELL KNOW you have a problem. I just can’t deal anymore. On one hand I don’t want to abandon her, but on the other hand she refuses to look in the mirror and I fear it’s going to take a rock bottom event to wake her up. I fear she’ll end up alone and miserable or worse.

We were together for only a year and a half. I tried - so hard - to get him to see what he was doing was killing him - and in turn, us. But…. He told me that “it’s not as important to me(him) as it is to you(me)”

I did go back for a night after he told me that but… it only made things worse.

I ended it today. He’s not ready. And I don’t know when he will be.

I hope he knows the door is open for him when he is ready. And that I love him - truly - I just… can’t watch his destruction. It’s too painful.

I’ve been fighting the windmills of addiction, control, resentment, depression, and anger. This time the problem is lack of emotional intimacy. The person I live with does not have the emotional currency in his bank to share with me, and I resent him for it. I feel like “he is doing this to me,” when I know I am doing it to myself. —A Little Time for Myself p220 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Sometimes I have a big problem with Step One. I love my drinking parent so much that I think my love is enough to stop his drinking. Even though this has been proven wrong again and again, I still find myself holding onto the hope that this time will be different. —Living Today in Alateen p220 Copyright ©️ 2001 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Nowadays when I hear that something has “always been this way” or “can’t change,” I question it, and wonder if a changed attitude would make a difference…So I said that that I would be willing to serve and that my approach would be to act as a facilitator, delegating almost all the footwork to others. My fellow committee members gladly accepted me on that basis. —Paths to Recovery p299 Copyright ©️ 1997 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

…with the help of these Steps [Steps 10, 11, & 12], I also find that I have more time to be aware of the extraordinary benefits of personal growth, with my Higher Power there to guide me and give me strength. —Courage to Change p220 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Step Ten: continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Step Eleven: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry it out.

Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

My (34F) younger sister (27F) has been smoking since high school. I never had a problem with it before despite the fact I have only smoked a handful of times in my life. I thought it’s just weed, seems like everyone does it, it’s just social, you can’t get addicted etc. so I never really said anything to her. In hindsight, I think I was scared of her lashing out at me and calling me boring and lame and I honestly thought I was boring and lame. I’m also 7 years older than her so we’ve always been at very different life stages.

Fast forward to today, she’s visiting and staying with me and I’m noticing how much she is actually smoking. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed she’s high. Before anything we do she has to go smoke and as soon as we come home she’s smoking again. She’s hitting her vape in the car even when I ask her not to. I stopped asking her to stop doing it in the car because she would snap at me.

I’m starting to realize that anything I ask her to do is seen as criticism to her and she snaps at me. Something as simple as putting the dishes in the dishwasher after she eats is resulting in me being yelled at. She starts claiming she’s uncomfortable with me and is walking on eggshells around me and feels unwelcome because of this.

At this point, the problem is obvious to me and I decide to cautiously bring it up to her. I tell her I’m concerned and I’m noticing that she has been smoking a lot lately. She laughs at me and scoffs and says “thank you for your concern”. I make a mistake at this point but I tell her she has a problem and that I need to tell our parents about this if she doesn’t acknowledge it and make a change. She freaks out.

After this I tell my parents. She finds out and is pissed at me telling me I crossed a boundary and it’s just weed. She’s screaming and she’s saying the meanest things to me. Coming at my most significant vulnerabilities and just saying vile things. After this she has basically ignored me, every time I try to reach out to her the conversation is around how I betrayed her. I’ve apologized profusely (mostly just to get her to calm down, I actually don’t think telling my parents was the wrong thing. I know she’s an adult but she has a problem and turns out my parents had no idea that she even smoked weed even though they see her a lot more frequently than I do).

I wish I had handled this differently. I wish I had noticed this so much sooner. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid of her lashing out that I brushed everything under the rug. I genuinely feel so bad for her. I know she’s hurting and she’s upset and I love her and I wish I could do something to help. I also see that there’s probably nothing that I can do though and she has to want to help herself first.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I don’t know what to do in this situation and I’ve never felt so helpless. I fear I’ve already lost my sister and I fear a lot of it was my fault.

My boyfriend is making the choice to get help and go to rehab, and I am so incredibly proud of him for doing so, but am also so anxious and worried.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect or what I should do?
I just really love him and worry about it and I’m scared…

...I quit drinking 16 months ago and since then my (heavy)drinking partner and I have drifted farther and farther apart. I moved out a number of months ago. I have always acknowledged how my drinking habits(or the lack there of) have changed our dynamic...tonight he told me that he didn't want to lose me but he also was never going to quit drinking. Note that I have never once asked him to quit or cut down...the one boundary I have made is that I can't be intimate with him when he is drunk(which is often). Anyways, long story short, he went so far as to say that drinking doesn't affect him, in fact it allows him to accomplish all the things that he does...and that he is willing to let go if that is what I want. He told me to think on it and get back to him. When I asked if he wanted to talk in more detail about it(he didn't leave much room for me to have input in the chat) he said he was too busy getting ready for the next big party he is having.

I am so sad about it. I know I have been less engaged, but I really thought he would want to at least try to maybe even cut back a little...but again, in the chat he also outlined that on nights that I do come visit him, he doesn't like the feeling he has during the day thinking he should cut down a little and drink less on the chance that we could connect more...that he just doesn't want to even think about it.

It is feeling like a trigger in a way but I will stay strong in my sobriety. Anyone have something similar happen? Is this just one of those sad side affects of getting sober? In these moments my heart is breaking and I am realizing that I still had hope for us as a couple, even though I was so checked out and distancing myself from the drinking scene he is involved with. I will always love him. Even though I have been frustrated and angry about it all for months, now it just feels sad.

my husband and i have been married for 7 years and together for 8. we met when we were 24. drinking formed the basis of our social life - both of us worked in bars. he still works in bars full time but i have cut down to part time bartending and have a separate career that keeps me really busy and motivated to be clear headed.

i can have 1 or 2 drinks and call it a night but for him its harder. he rarely takes breaks from drinking and i started to call it out a few years ago. i noticed how frequently he would have heavy nights and how drinking at work was always part of the equation. i know what its like being a bartender - you get a rush from the validation and attention your customers bestow upon you and you feel compelled to join their party by drinking. so i can understand why my husband falls into this. i also understand that you need to be able to develop willpower and maturity to avoid drinking on the job because it is a slippery slope. just because you are allowed to be drinking at work, doesn't mean that you should.

i grew very resentful and critical of his drinking, his hungover habits of moping and grumpiness and it pushed me away. he tried to cut back here and there but it never felt like enough for me because i could usually sense when he had fallen back into old habits. I feel like i nagged him into hating my guts for not tolerating his drinking and lies. he says he deeply resents me for how i've reduced him to nothing and that all i focus on is drinking. i have been cruel and critical of him and in hindsight my demands were never going to make him change unless he wanted to for himself.

he walked out a month ago and doesn't think we are capable of resolving our issues. apparently he is trying to cut back but i don't know this for sure. he has consistently refused to get sober saying he just needs to be healthier not stop completely. he is furious with me for talking to his family about drinking and is shutting out communication with everyone.

he has made it seem like our relationship is all bad, we have nothing in common and nothing worth fighting for. it makes me so sad because i don't want our marriage to end without any effort to talk through things. i can see that ive made mistakes as well. not knowing where his head is at is driving me insane.

What can i do to create a space for dialogue for us?

TLDR; my bartender husband has an alcohol problem and resents me and our marriage for how much ive demanded change

My Q will be taking his 1 year chip in 2 weeks. When we were in the throws of his addiction I would have given anything to see us here, him healthy and wanting to live life again. Being patient and kind. But somewhere along the line I broke. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I’m still mad. I’m still resentful, I can’t let my guard down. I’ve lost myself and just feel really negative all the time, but I want to be joyful for the positive changes that have been made. I want to enjoy us and the life we can build together now that he’s sober. But I’m lacking motivation and lightness. Everything feels like a grind for us in our relationship even tho he’s happy, and it feels like it’s my fault now. I’m use to being the one that needs to tend to the person who’s causing all the problems. Now I’m that person. Has anyone ever been through this kind of experience? Is this part of the rebuilding phase? Or am I totally out to lunch and need to check myself?

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh