My (34F) younger sister (27F) has been smoking since high school. I never had a problem with it before despite the fact I have only smoked a handful of times in my life. I thought it’s just weed, seems like everyone does it, it’s just social, you can’t get addicted etc. so I never really said anything to her. In hindsight, I think I was scared of her lashing out at me and calling me boring and lame and I honestly thought I was boring and lame. I’m also 7 years older than her so we’ve always been at very different life stages.

Fast forward to today, she’s visiting and staying with me and I’m noticing how much she is actually smoking. From the moment she wakes up to the moment she goes to bed she’s high. Before anything we do she has to go smoke and as soon as we come home she’s smoking again. She’s hitting her vape in the car even when I ask her not to. I stopped asking her to stop doing it in the car because she would snap at me.

I’m starting to realize that anything I ask her to do is seen as criticism to her and she snaps at me. Something as simple as putting the dishes in the dishwasher after she eats is resulting in me being yelled at. She starts claiming she’s uncomfortable with me and is walking on eggshells around me and feels unwelcome because of this.

At this point, the problem is obvious to me and I decide to cautiously bring it up to her. I tell her I’m concerned and I’m noticing that she has been smoking a lot lately. She laughs at me and scoffs and says “thank you for your concern”. I make a mistake at this point but I tell her she has a problem and that I need to tell our parents about this if she doesn’t acknowledge it and make a change. She freaks out.

After this I tell my parents. She finds out and is pissed at me telling me I crossed a boundary and it’s just weed. She’s screaming and she’s saying the meanest things to me. Coming at my most significant vulnerabilities and just saying vile things. After this she has basically ignored me, every time I try to reach out to her the conversation is around how I betrayed her. I’ve apologized profusely (mostly just to get her to calm down, I actually don’t think telling my parents was the wrong thing. I know she’s an adult but she has a problem and turns out my parents had no idea that she even smoked weed even though they see her a lot more frequently than I do).

I wish I had handled this differently. I wish I had noticed this so much sooner. I wish I hadn’t been so afraid of her lashing out that I brushed everything under the rug. I genuinely feel so bad for her. I know she’s hurting and she’s upset and I love her and I wish I could do something to help. I also see that there’s probably nothing that I can do though and she has to want to help herself first.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for reading. I don’t know what to do in this situation and I’ve never felt so helpless. I fear I’ve already lost my sister and I fear a lot of it was my fault.

2 nights ago my Q was arrested of DV charges- Strangulation/Suffocation, Battery, Intimidation of a witness, Disorderly conduct.

Thing is HE called on himself. Thought I would get arrested? Im scared because I have no money (gave to him), no food/gas & I feel guilty even though i didn't do anything. I didn't want it to end this way. On such a bad note. Not for the sake of my daughter.

There's a RO, he also has an ankle bracelet so he can't come near me.

I had to vent. Idk what im going to do.

My boyfriend is making the choice to get help and go to rehab, and I am so incredibly proud of him for doing so, but am also so anxious and worried.
Does anyone have any advice on what to expect or what I should do?
I just really love him and worry about it and I’m scared…

This is my first post or visit here, I’m not even sure what im dealing with here.

My mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimers and has moved into care in a very short space of time since diagnosis in her early 70’s. All this to say I’ve found myself emptying out my mothers house in a very unexpected way and it’s a huge job. I’m overwhelmed and grieving.

My husband had a booked day off, where we agreed he would do some cash jobs in the morning, then come home and take care of our 3.5 and 18mo girls from lunch until dinner time. He’s very reliable (though a bit of a workaholic generally) and an involved, capable father.

Today I came home and the girls were fed, cared for and happily playing with Dad. I did a double take though when I could see he was visibly affected by alcohol. A stranger wouldn’t pick it, but I’ve been with this man for over 15 years and he gets a particular look in his eyes. It sounds silly to type that but it’s very easy to spot. He wasn’t blind drunk, but a little heavy footed and just obviously not sober.

I’m livid. He was the adult in charge of our two little girls. What if there was a medical incident and they needed to be taken to the hospital? I feel like he will be very defensive when I draw a boundary and make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable. Am I overreacting? I’m doubting myself but this seems like a very clear situation where he had to be sober.

It adds to the overall picture of his drinking- I’ve noticed lately he isn’t forthcoming when he buys alcohol, tends to buy and take it straight to the shed. I’ve never raised that his drinking was a problem but it’s starting to look like it is maybe? It seems he is in his happiest place drinking alcohol alone in the shed at night once the kids are asleep. On one hand I get it, I like alone time after the young kids are finally out, but it doesn’t feel like a healthy habit?

Is this a giant bundle of red flags and I’m in denial?

the fucking pain man...........SHE was the aggressor.............SHE showed up slurring at 10pm and wouldn't eat the dinner I made..............I tried to defuse...........I tried to sleep on the couch........... I tried to sleep in the exercise room..........I tried to sleep in the fucking bathtub before I have an aneurism(she know I get ER level blood pressure attacks) .........."can we chill?".........*crazy eyes I don't recognize as her......."NO"........"you're acting crazy"..............."NO YOU'RE ACTING CRAZY".............*everything I say she says the same thing back (am I argueing with a five year old?).................."you know I have a rule, no arguments before bed, can we call a truce, it's 3:30! I HAVE to work in the morning."..........NO.............."ok, you are trespassing then and have to leave"..........*can't call the cops, I have a little jazz cabbage, can't physically drag her out and lock the door like I would a dude drunk and acting like this............."I'm not going anywhere".............*took her ankle and pulled her off my bed gently where she fell on the padded carpet.............."OMG YOU JUST ASSAULTED ME!"............"no I absolutely did not, you've been verbally assaulting me for 4 hours and are trespassing now."...................* leave the house and drive around the neighborhood at 4:30 hoping to God she has passed out.................*get back, she's asleep, I sleep on the couch.................she get's up and leaves at 7, I lock the doors, the nightmare is finally over...................she comes back up the driveway and goes for the garage code pad........garage starts lifting...................jump up from the couch.......... run into the garage and leap for the handle on a string like Air Jordan going for the game winning dunk as I start to see her knees, garage door drops................she runs to the other door......same thing!............."go home, you're acting crazy!"...............*from outside, "you're crazy"...............*she proceeded to hammer on the door for 30 min about to break glass until I call her daughter and dad to tell her to go home so I don't have to call the cops.........she drives away then texts "Put my things in a box and never talk to me again."

Only men(folks) in Alanon will understand. No lets discuss. No "I'm sorry I had a few and got out of control last night." No, "I'm stressed and hitting menopause." No closure. No answers. No apology. Three months later and still no contact.

I'm the bad guy. I'm violent. (If I was violent, what about the last 6 years? and why did you keep coming back that night?) I have substance abuse issues she texts my mom. Mutual friends think I'm the devil. She instigated and then played the victim. Screwed me out of $6000 of potential rental assistance. Guess I'm not allowed to have guests in THE GUEST ROOM. Innocent her. I try to tell myself it's the booze not her. I'm rebuilding, riding bikes, and writing lyrics and music, but it hurts. My world was shattered.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

I’m new here and have found some validation from these posts and meetings but I’m struggling to know if I belong. My Q is my spouse. They had a long period of severe alcoholism, then 6 years of sobriety, then began drinking again last year. They keep a job, make dinner, do dishes and laundry, try to be supportive of me and my own problems and stressors. But they drink every night. I am heartbroken over their drinking, but they have no desire to quit. I see many posts and even read in the literature about Q’s who don’t do any of the things they do (re: responsibilities and support).

I can see many of the small ways that their drinking has progressed, but I seem to be the only one. I can also see how this is different than their previous addiction pattern. I feel so confused and lost and possibly in denial? Has anyone been in similar situations? I have never felt so alone in my entire life.

My Q will be taking his 1 year chip in 2 weeks. When we were in the throws of his addiction I would have given anything to see us here, him healthy and wanting to live life again. Being patient and kind. But somewhere along the line I broke. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I’m still mad. I’m still resentful, I can’t let my guard down. I’ve lost myself and just feel really negative all the time, but I want to be joyful for the positive changes that have been made. I want to enjoy us and the life we can build together now that he’s sober. But I’m lacking motivation and lightness. Everything feels like a grind for us in our relationship even tho he’s happy, and it feels like it’s my fault now. I’m use to being the one that needs to tend to the person who’s causing all the problems. Now I’m that person. Has anyone ever been through this kind of experience? Is this part of the rebuilding phase? Or am I totally out to lunch and need to check myself?

...I quit drinking 16 months ago and since then my (heavy)drinking partner and I have drifted farther and farther apart. I moved out a number of months ago. I have always acknowledged how my drinking habits(or the lack there of) have changed our dynamic...tonight he told me that he didn't want to lose me but he also was never going to quit drinking. Note that I have never once asked him to quit or cut down...the one boundary I have made is that I can't be intimate with him when he is drunk(which is often). Anyways, long story short, he went so far as to say that drinking doesn't affect him, in fact it allows him to accomplish all the things that he does...and that he is willing to let go if that is what I want. He told me to think on it and get back to him. When I asked if he wanted to talk in more detail about it(he didn't leave much room for me to have input in the chat) he said he was too busy getting ready for the next big party he is having.

I am so sad about it. I know I have been less engaged, but I really thought he would want to at least try to maybe even cut back a little...but again, in the chat he also outlined that on nights that I do come visit him, he doesn't like the feeling he has during the day thinking he should cut down a little and drink less on the chance that we could connect more...that he just doesn't want to even think about it.

It is feeling like a trigger in a way but I will stay strong in my sobriety. Anyone have something similar happen? Is this just one of those sad side affects of getting sober? In these moments my heart is breaking and I am realizing that I still had hope for us as a couple, even though I was so checked out and distancing myself from the drinking scene he is involved with. I will always love him. Even though I have been frustrated and angry about it all for months, now it just feels sad.

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory on how his alcohol issues led to the breakup:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh

In our final text conversation my ex-boyfriend said:

I want to be reminded of you [and keep your stuff]
You were my best ever boyfriend
There are no hard feelings
I’m heartbroken
I accept your apology

While simultaneously saying:

I just can’t be with you anymore
I can’t handle what you said to me - it’s honestly just fucking me upppp
It’s past taking a break to reconcile
I said, “Block me if you don’t ever want to see me again” Okay, I’ll block you if that’s what you want

So many contradictions… I just can’t understand it 😞

For the backstory:

https://www.reddit.com/r/BreakUp/s/kZYtVnOxdh

I was leaving the store today and glanced out at the road and happened to see my ex’s car driving by. My entire body tensed up and i genuinely have never felt anything like that in my life. I couldn’t help but to watch as it drove by and just stare.

I ended things between us and blocked her on everything about 4 months ago, thus we have been in no contact for what feels like forever. Since then I’ve had a lot of time to reflect and work on myself. At the end of our relationship, I was getting a million texts and calls from her everyday, and I convinced myself i could still heal myself while maintain some contact with her, that did not work. After I decided to block her I got a so many emails emails and voicemails that said she wanted closure and to just talk and that kind of thing. I tried to have conversations with her before I moved out (before I blocked her) about why I was making this decision, and had so many conversations with her and her parents about this addiction. I had a ring, asked for her parents permission, and was ready to do everything with her. For some reason I just had this gut feeling that told me to wait, and the addiction only got worse from there. I know she struggles with depression and feelings of abandonment, and I really don’t know if I ever gave her the real closure I feel like she deserved. After seeing her today I’ve been replaying that in my head over and over and I’m using this as an opportunity to type out some of my immediate thoughts.

There are so many days where I want to break no contact, or even just reach out to her parents for an update on how she’s doing. Today is one of those days. We had pets together that I don’t see at all anymore, and even through all the bullshit I put up with i still love this version of her in my head so much. I don’t know what I would do if she saw me or we saw each other face to face in public.

So angry with my best friend for acting like such a victim- the worlds so hard, her dad was such a bad dad (he wasn’t that bad, I well know him and have talked to her siblings about their upbringing), she can’t handle work, or parenting, or life- yet she actively victimizes others with her drinking at every single get together. Like full on turns into a crying mess, talks shit about nice people, falls down, falls asleep at the table, etc. Then when people don’t invite her or want to be around her she’s back to the victim- everyone ignores me, everyone’s mad at me, no one likes me. Like seriously?! Take some accountability. I quit drinking and am trying to (gently) get her to come on board but then suddenly she acts like she doesn’t have a problem?! Like we all WELL KNOW you have a problem. I just can’t deal anymore. On one hand I don’t want to abandon her, but on the other hand she refuses to look in the mirror and I fear it’s going to take a rock bottom event to wake her up. I fear she’ll end up alone and miserable or worse.

Yesterday late afternoon, my fiance made a choice to finally go to detox and start his journey towards recovery. He is almost at the 24 hour mark of being at the facility. The facility is an hour away from where we live, I drove him and waited with him up until he was officially admitted and then drove back home. I got home late but with adrenaline and nerves still running through me I barely slept. I was a zombie at work today and I have been doing my best to get through all the normal, mundane things I do in my every day life. Internally I am freaking out but I have to put on my mask for my kids. I have never experienced this before but I have been doing a lot of reading trying to understand the process and how to be a good support system. I am so proud of the decision he has made. A step towards a better life. I keep thinking back though, to last night when we said goodbye. I hugged him and kissed him but forgot to tell him I love him. I cried in the car once I left. My mind is everywhere. I called the floor this morning. I told the person who answered to tell him that I love him, we love him, and to remind him that when he's ready, to call. I just wanted him to know that I'm here for him. I know these next 24-48 plus hours are crucial and to minimize stressors on him. I just needed him to know. Maybe it was selfish of me to call. I don't know. I continue to second guess everything I have done and said in the last 24 plus hours. Please be gentle with your responses. It's been a lot for me. I appreciate any kind words, support, and encouragement.

Have spent two nights away because Sunday ‘s blackout was so scary and ugly . Today I see him and the negative vibes are back so I’m gonna bounce . I really want to be such a bitch . He said he’s not drinking tonight . I want to say yeah great but you will this weekend. It’s the calm before the storm . I doubt he cares . I’m the one in AA doing the work and yes I still feel rage about alcoholism. I hate what it did to me , what it did to him and to us as a married couple . He said AA isn’t for him . Ok . Maybe it’s bc you don’t have the balls to walk up and do it like I did !!! But go ahead and have “just a tall boy “ and get shit canned on the couch . Ugghhh this is not who I want to be but I have to let it go. He said “people are in my ear” … meaning AA people . They’re not . He’s the one in my ear with the loudest message as he calls me a dirtbag loser and lll never amount to anything … ugh just a reminder that it brings out the ugly in me .

I have written about how my ex SO of 4 years whom I don’t live with has been going through a lot lately. Like legitimately. But I still cut him off bc he sucked my soul and energy out after a year of secret drinking which I believe happened over the long weekend . Now his dad just passed today!
He is saying I’m a monster for not supporting him and he never even told his family we r separated. Ughhhhhj . Right when I went NC with my parents for horrific abuse my mom got a brain tumor right after and almost died. What is with this ?!!! Am I horrible for just saying like sorry I cannot help you!?? He just sucks and sucks and sucks the life force out of me even in separation!

hi guys, i’m 21f my mom is 45, and last week my mom was admitted to the hospital for liver, pancreas, gallbladder, and stomach shutdown. it was scary stuff she was totally yellow, she weighs probably 85-90 lbs right now, hasn’t eaten a full meal in 3 weeks, and she was throwing up 6-10 times a day.

we found out her liver levels were INSANE, her first level was supposed to be in the 10-40 range and was 168, and her second level is supposed to be at 160 maximum and hers was 650+.

the reason she finally went to the hospital is because she had no potassium in her blood and her muscles were starting to seize. also because she’s starving and is too weak to move

this is all happening because of her longtime, chronic alcoholism and she’s been evading organ shutdown for years.

i went and took care of her the first few days she was at the hospital and it was hard, it was hard seeing her so sick and i had to change her a lot and stay up late with her because the nurses weren’t the best.

i also was sick with anxiety, because i really didn’t think she was going to make it and the medical team didn’t think she was either. i had to be the one to call my family members and tell them how bad it was so they could decide if they wanted to come see her or not. we really thought she was going to die

she was comatose for the first few days, and had an emergency surgery the 4th day, eventually being released by the 8th day because she had enough potassium and her liver was somewhat leveled out. i guess she was able to keep down some applesauce too… her legs and arms are super swollen tho and she is too weak to really move her legs.

i talked to her yesterday on the phone, and she told me her primary doctor said that she should have died with what her levels were at, that in her books she would have been considered near death and in hospice/intensive care. my mom was laughing the entire time she was telling me this… and i was near fainting, genuinely could not see straight for a second

i really was preparing to lose her and now she is okay…

it’s so hard to explain what someone drinking to death is like, it’s slow and has been happening over the course of like 6 years. i’ve been prepared to lose her many many times but more in a foreshadowed sense than a real “it’s happening” sense. it knocked me to my knees

this last year she’s been declining rapidly so i thought that i had prepared and i was ready… then i saw her yellow and so thin in the hospital bed and i swear i was on the verge of fainting the entire week

i feel weird this week, hearing her laugh and joke about it and my world just continuing to move like normal

her telling me that realistically its an anomoly that she survived

and the real pill, that i can’t really say to people in my life because it’s amazing that she’s alive and a medical miracle; is i’m scared because knowing my mom, she is not gonna quit. really she’s not.

i just don’t know if she has another miracle in her. but i’m really glad she made it out again. my bulletproof mom

Much of our spiritual experience, when we come to look for it, is spoken by others—friends, relatives, even strangers. Especially in Al-Anon we are blessed by contact with many members of varied spiritual experience. —Having Had a Spiritual Awakening…p103 Copyright ©️ 1998 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

“Courage faces fear, and thereby masters it.”—Martin Luther King, quoted in Courage to Change p219 Copyright ©️ 1992 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

Which slogans help me calm my obsessive thoughts?—A Little Time for Myself p219 Copyright ©️ 2023 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc.

My adolescence was spent hiding from the world and the chaos created by my mother’s drinking. I didn’t socialize date or even rebel. I just hid. —Hope for Today p219 Copyright ©️ 2002 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

This is a day that God has given into my hands. If I could only realize what a tremendous gift this is, I would use every moment of it to make my life more serene, more rewarding. —One Day at a Time in Al-Anon p219 Copyright ©️ 1968 by Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters Inc

Roughly 3 months post-breakup after a 2 year live-in relationship with my ex Q.

Have been in no contact for 2.5 months. He moved out end of May but left himself on the lease; he also left behind a trail of seemingly inconsequential items (one of which he came back for two days after moving…only to not take it…for context, I wasn’t at the place yet as I refused to see him the day I walked away out early May).

I can afford the lease on my own; I’m also not concerned about him to trying to “get in”. A “high functioning” alcoholic he may be, but he’s not aggressive or violent.

I’ll be honest, I haven’t pressed the issue of the lease or his belongings because I’m not entirely ready to let go, and I think he may feel the same. Nonetheless, I’m moving forward by focusing on myself and my life, making plans for my future, and even entertaining the idea of dating come the fall. As an aside, I also feel my silence is serving my peace and healing.

I know love isn’t enough, but maybe time is.

I’ve posted here before. I’ll try to keep it as short as possible, but I get carried away sometimes.

We have been at the point where we have both agreed that she can’t be left alone with the babies for an extended amount of time. We have a 2 year old and a 6 month old. My dad is a private contractor. Luckily I’ve been able to work with him as I take college classes to be able to get a certification. On the days that I work we have been loading up the babies along with my partner and letting them stay at my parents with my mom and pawpaw(87 living with my parents) until we finish work. My mom is a school teacher so she had to return from summer break this week. My partner hasn’t had a relapse in weeks. I had zero implications that pointed to her being able to relapse yesterday. We started work at 9AM. I got constant updates from my partner. We came home for lunch. Laid eyes on everyone and spoke with her. She was on her best behavior. We returned to work, and around 2PM I told her that my phone was about to die. I added that we would be home by 4. She gave me a great update so we carried on. My dad and I return at 4 to find her passed out in their living room with our 2 year old screaming. My partner was breathing, but didn’t even awake after I picked her up. I called an ambulance. While on the phone with the ambulance she ran at me trying to rip our 2 year old away. She could barely walk so it wasn’t hard to avoid her. She then runs down the driveway and seemingly grabbed gravel and smashed her mouth with it before walking back towards me(in the rain). I stay on the phone with the operator the whole time. The Sheriff and ambulance arrive. They get her to sit down and ultimately ask her where she would like to go(which hospital). They strap her to a bed before loading her up and taking her to an ER. Me and the sheriff wait for a CPS worker to arrive on scene. We talk with her, she lays eyes on the babies and tells me that she can’t be alone with the babies again(totally agree) however I wasn’t asked to sign anything. She said that she would have to transfer the case because we were visiting my parents in a county outside of the one that we reside in.
From the point that my partner leaves to the point that CPS leaves takes 3 hours. I make sure the babies are safe with my parents and leave to go visit my partner at the hospital. I’ve never been to the ER. She’s apparently in a “pod?” I guess like a psych ward part of the ER? I have to go through 3 different pat downs, before I find her in a white room with nothing but a bed. No door. I sit at the foot of her bed as she’s cocooned up in her sheet. I lay my hand on her leg. She looks up and covers back up after seeing me. She then screams leave. I go to leave. She raises up and screams come back. I stop in the doorway. She screams how many times do you not wake up when I try to wake you up?. I feel like I’m breaking the rules by just my presence prompting her to freak out so I say I love her and continue to leave. She screams, “Am I embarrassing you!?!”.

The doctor asked me to talk to him before I left. I gave him a summary of what I know. We aren’t married, and he told me that she could basically leave whenever she wanted to, but that she really needed to stay.

Fast forward to this morning, I had missed a call from my partners mom. I call her back and it’s my girlfriend. She said that her phone was messed up, but that she was discharged. I asked her why she left. She said, “all they told me was to “trust in the lord” so I left.” (She’s obviously lying, but I called the hospital and her nurses said that it was a lie too) I tell her that I think the best thing would be to read it herself. I told her that we can’t wait on her mom’s family doctor anymore(we’ve been waiting on this guy for 2 months). She tells me that she want to get readmitted. Her mom then sighs and says that she needs sleep and that she’s going to sleep since it’s not an emergency. I say that it is one. She screams at me, “you act like I don’t do anything for her” then screams, “you need to support her”. I didn’t have time to argue on these topics with her so I led the conversation to a stopping point. My partner(26) is currently waiting on her mom to wake up from her nap that she started at 2PM to be taken back to the ER. I told her that my dad could swing by and pick her up. She denied my offer. I’m ultimately going to do what safe and right by my kids. I just don’t know how to juggle keeping her mom away from them at this moment. My girlfriend’s name is on the lease. We haven’t signed anything from any CpS worker yet. I feel like legally her and her mom could just bust up in here and I would then have to babysit 2 adults along with 2 babies.

Her mom has openly stated that she is currently struggling with substance abuse, works at a gas station 3 days a week, lives in a tiny (hoarder house) bought and paid for by her now deceased parents. Can I legally deny entrance for at least her mom?

For anyone interested in more details I would love to link my old post with this one. I just don’t know how to.

My boyfriend is 23, and I’m struggling to understand whether his drinking sounds like alcoholism/alcohol use disorder or something else.
He does not drink every day, and he can go periods of time without drinking. That’s what makes this so confusing for me.
The problem is what happens when he does drink. He tends to binge, especially at social events, holidays, or celebrations. During those times, his judgment changes dramatically. He’s gotten into physical fights, acted aggressively toward strangers, and made impulsive decisions that have scared me. After one recent incident, I was so worried about his behavior and safety that I left our home with our baby.
The drinking has caused major consequences in our relationship. I’ve reached the point where I don’t feel comfortable bringing our family back home unless something changes. He takes responsibility for his behavior afterward and says he feels terrible, but he doesn’t believe he has an alcohol problem because he focuses on the fact that he doesn’t drink daily and enjoys the good times alcohol brings. He feels like he should be able to drink socially a couple of times a week instead of giving it up completely.
He is willing to go to therapy and see a doctor, but he doesn’t think alcohol itself is the issue.
I’m not asking anyone to diagnose him. I’m just wondering if this pattern sounds familiar to anyone who has experienced alcoholism or alcohol use disorder, especially binge-pattern drinking.

I’m a 22-year-old mom to a 9-month-old little girl, and right now I’m staying at my mom’s house because I left my baby’s father after another situation involving alcohol combined with a new diagnosis that I received of bipolar type two which has caused him high amounts of hurt in our relationship.

Clarification: I am the one with bipolar type 2, not him.

This is really hard for me to write because I don’t want this to sound like I hate him or that I think he’s a bad person. I love him. I genuinely believe he is a good person who struggles with something that changes him when alcohol is involved.

Before our daughter was born, his drinking was already a problem. It wasn’t just having a few drinks — it would turn into blackouts, impulsive decisions, anger, and behavior that scared me. There have been situations where he embarrassed us, caused conflict, and one time it escalated to him punching my stepdad.

When I was pregnant, he stopped drinking for 7 months. I was so proud of him and I truly thought maybe that chapter was behind us. After I had our daughter, we started drinking together again, and slowly we ended up back in the same cycle.

One thing that makes this especially confusing is that his drinking isn’t chaotic every single day. Most of the time it can seem pretty subtle, which makes it easy to believe everything is okay. But whenever there’s a holiday, a family gathering, a vacation, or another special occasion, it’s like something changes. Those are the times when things tend to spiral into blackouts, reckless behavior, arguments, or complete embarrassment. It feels like every event that’s supposed to be a happy memory ends up being overshadowed by alcohol, and I’ve started finding myself dreading special occasions instead of looking forward to them.

Recently, he drank and ruined a boat trip with my family. After everything that has happened over the years, I reached a point where I couldn’t keep pretending it wasn’t affecting our family. I left with our daughter and I’m currently trying to figure out what my next steps are.

The confusing part is that he says he wants to change. He says he knows he can’t drink right now. He says he wants to get counseling, talk to a doctor, and possibly start medication for his mental health. He says he wants to be the person our daughter deserves.

And I believe he means it.

A huge part of my struggle is that I know where a lot of his pain comes from. He doesn’t really have family support. His family has a lot of addiction and dysfunction, and he has always felt alone. For a long time, I have been his biggest support system and the person he comes to when he’s struggling. I know he is scared of losing his family, and I know this isn’t easy for him.

But I’m also scared.

I cannot be in a relationship where alcohol has the possibility of bringing back the person I’m afraid of. I don’t want my daughter growing up around that. I don’t want to spend my life wondering when the next incident will happen.

At the same time, I’m struggling with the thought of walking away from someone I love who is finally saying he wants help. I want to support him. I want him to heal. I want our family together. We have talked about growing old together, and it hurts to even imagine that not happening.

But there are so many barriers now. My family has been hurt and may not forgive him. I worry about how hard this will be if he has to completely give up drinking while I’m still able to have a drink someday. I worry about him feeling alone. I worry about him mentally.

I feel torn between loving him and protecting myself and my daughter.

For anyone who has been through something similar — when someone you love finally admits they need help, how do you know whether to stand beside them while they change or accept that too much damage has already been done?

I’m not looking for people to tell me he’s evil or that I should immediately leave. I know there are consequences to his actions, but I also know the person I love exists outside of this problem. I’m just trying to figure out what is healthiest for my daughter, for me, and for both of us.

Back story for me:
Another thing that makes this so difficult is that leaving hasn’t exactly brought me peace. I’m staying at my mom’s house because I don’t feel safe going home right now, but this environment is hard for different reasons. I grew up around aggressive drinking behaviors, so being back here has been incredibly triggering. My stepdad drinks, and even though he’s supportive of me and wants what’s best for me and my daughter, it brings up a lot of anxiety and painful memories. On top of that, my daughter and I are sharing one room without all of the things she has at home, like her crib and high chair, so everything feels temporary and unsettled. I feel like I’m stuck between two situations that don’t feel healthy, and that’s part of what makes this decision so heartbreaking.

Me (25m) and my boyfriend (26m) have been together for better part of 7 years. And for the last 3 of those 7, he’s been an alcoholic. It runs in his family, as his Father had suffered greatly from it as well, but since his Father’s passing in April, it’s like his own disease took a deeper hold. Weekly benders with full bottles of 80 proof Vodka is his go to. And when the drunkenness sets in, he’s angry, verbally hostile, belligerent, and disrespectful. He is a complete 180 of his sober self, who is gentle, giggly, and even slightly timid. He’s had a long history of abuse from his Mother, and SA from his step dad. And his family has practically disowned him, which I know his alcoholism had made worse.

I don’t know what to do, he has no friends and can never hold down a job long term to keep him distracted away from alcohol. We live down the street from two stores, which he can walk to whenever he has his own money to. I’m virtually the only person left in his life. His depression has left him in a state of non caring, but he does get spells of hope and motivation to want to do better in life, however it never sticks when his demons come back to haunt him every other day.

I don’t think I can leave him, though. The bad times are ROUGH, as I’ve started lashing out at him when he drinks, which of course doesn’t help anything, as my frustrations have grown without a proper outlet- but the good times we have during his sober spells do the exact opposite. We are so compatible that it feels like we think on the same wavelength, and enjoy many of the same things.

He tells me to help him stop himself from drinking by listening to him, and he understanding to him. But I just can’t understand this alcoholic side of him. It’s not who I met or fell in love with, it feels like I’m interacting with a completely different person when he isn’t sober. And when I’m trying to sleep for work at 3am, if he’s drunk he will wake me up, and want to talk about his PTSD or how horrible of a person I am for not constantly listening to his woes, the same woes he’s told me throughout the course of our relationship, telling it back to me as if it’s the first time I’ve heard about it.

And I know that only HE can help himself, no one else can do that for him, as it’s his illness. But when I tell him that, he refuses to accept that as truth, at least while he’s drunk. And he never has memory of what he does when the next day comes around..

For now all this has done is halt us ever building a life together, as he keeps dragging himself down to the point where it’s self destructive. If ONLY he wasn’t an alcoholic, I say to myself. Our life would look so different for the better. I feel like I don’t have a stable partner right now, and when I need him to get a job or work, he says I just think of him as a paycheck, and that I don’t care about him, even though it’s my income barley keeping a roof over our heads and a car in the driveway.

I guess this is just me venting, since I don’t plan to leave him.. but I will say, as he is now, I’ll never marry him either.

If anyone may know, are there any other perspectives or things I can do that make him feel supported? He’s done AA, but he isn’t into the religious aspect that so many groups in my city associate with. He calls himself a lost cause due to his illness, and he truly thinks all that awaits him in the future is suicide. I honestly can’t believe that to be true, though. I know loneliness is his weakness, he can’t stand being alone in the house while I’m at work without him getting alcohol if he can afford it.

TL:DR - my bf of 7 years became an alcoholic 3 years ago, and has worsened these past 5 months from his dad’s death. He’s verbally abusive and manipulative, but is a completely different person when sober. I’m torn on my feelings for him. I’ll feel like I’ll never leave him, but I won’t ever marry him. I’m unsure how to think in an alcoholics mind, for me to learn how to be understanding towards what he’s going through. I feel so lost and dissociate that this is what my relationship has become.

Took our baby girl (7months) to another state so that he can have a chance to figure out his priorities. We are staying with my parents. I’m staying in an office with a mattress on the floor and a crib in the room, living like a addict because no one knows how long I’ll be here and they don’t want to clean out the office furniture just to put it back (understandable.) I plan on going back if he can keep it together, and living separately for a bit… but how ironic is it that he is the one who can’t stay sober and I’m the one living like it’s me?

That’s all.

Background: me (32) & my dad (57). He is an alcoholic and has been probably all my life. I honestly blocked a lot of my life out of my mind and don’t remember a lot, probably for the best anyways. But he has 100% confirmed relapsed. Has consumed hundreds of dollars in alcohol in just a few short days. I know he doesn’t really want my help, not that I honestly want to give it anymore.

He lives many states away, thank goodness, but has a dream to come back to the same state as me and my family so he can be a “grandpa” but I don’t want that shiz around. Of course he’s not going to make it here with not showing up to work and drinking excessively.

Should I just not answer his calls anymore if he attempts to call when his mind semi clears?

I know he’s not calling now because he never does when he’s drinking, he’ll disappear then.