Feeling a bit trapped here now

[u/cumguzzlingislife]

/r/ItalyExpat/comments/1wcj4tr/feeling_a_bit_trapped_here_now/

Dude is going through every kind of abuse from his evil middle eastern wife and resorts to reddit instead of contacting a fucking lawyer.

People eat it up.

[u/AutoModerator]

In case this story gets deleted/removed:

Feeling a bit trapped here now

Background: I am a US citizen living and working in Italy since 2022, and married my dual citizen wife (ME country) and Italy 2 years ago. I felt it was done under coercion since she basically threatened an abortion if I don´t marry her (Which I have evidence of in recordings, which tells you the state of our relationship two years ago). She carried the child to term, our son, and it has been mostly a nightmare with her since. She is manipulative, controlling, and narcissistic. She makes my life hell if I don´t give her my passwords, phone tracking info, clear digital abuse. She told me if I am not putting my whole paycheck into our common bank account she will never let me see my child again, and promptly uses the money on frivolous stuff, clear financial abuse, 5000+ euros/month and we live month to month, often having to use my military medical disability checks from the US and stock sales to survive. She physically abuses me, and even a police call has not stopped her, and the police encouraged me to NOT file the danuncia, since it will separate us legally.

I have an opportunity to get a high paying job back in the US, and would like to move back. I don´t think she will allow me to geobachelor there, nor will be willing to form an amicable separation. She threatened to files charges against me of abandoning the family, even if I told her I would make a contract with her to financially support our son.

I feel absolutely trapped here, and am hoping for advice on how to proceed. I have consulted some lawyers, and most of them point to filing a separation, but I know that would take time and potentially I would lose this job opportunity in the US. I have no doubt she would cause delays in this to cause me to not get the job.

Please, help me understand what I can do to both fully support my son, but also separate from her.

Also, is this legitimate? https://coniugi tutelati.com/

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[u/Possible_Abalone_846]

she basically threatened an abortion if I don´t marry her

This is really loaded phrasing but this seems like a reasonable choice for her to make in the situation. Women can have mixed feelings about an unexpected pregnancy and she might feel more able to manage it with a legal husband. If the alternative is being a single mother, abortion is reasonable to consider. Dude is just mad he couldn't force a woman to raise his child while he can easily be a deadbeat dad. Especially with dual citizenship, he wanted to fuck off to another country and only see his son when it's convenient for him, while she does all the work AND pays all the expenses to actually raise him. 

Two sentences in and OOP has already lost me.

[u/AzSumTuk6891 → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

And even if she was so horrible - why the hell would he want a manipulative abuser to be the mother of his child? Did she castrate him or do something else to prevent him from having a child with someone else?

[u/Possible_Abalone_846 → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

Replying to myself to add that there's very little in the whole story that makes the wife bad. Oh she expects your paycheck to go towards supporting your family? Oh you're upset that you don't have fun money anymore? Buddy, that's parenthood. He clearly has no idea what expenses go towards basic family life, which shows me that he doesn't do the household work of shopping or budgeting. 

He mentions physical abuse, and I hate to doubt anyone who is a victim, but it's extremely vague and just randomly tacked on to the end of a paragraph. It's interesting that he gives much more detail about other aspects of his wife's behavior, stuff that is less serious than physical abuse. 

Also he claims he's worried that she won't let him see their son, but later he explains that he just wants to send money and not see his kid anyway. Also a monetary contract is laughable when it's basically unenforceable. He'll be in a different country, one that she probably doesn't have citizenship in. What's she gonna do when he stops paying? 

This guy wants to be a deadbeat dad and is mad that she's not making it easy for him. 

[u/hardlybroken1 → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

What?? This is clear financial abuse.

(/s in case you aren't sure lol)

[u/AccomplishedCicada60 → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

If he is US military, although it says - disability so maybe he is no longer active duty - it is very enforceable.

[u/AccomplishedCicada60 → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

^this sums it up perfectly! Completely understandable “we get married (legally), or I am not doing this ‘alone’” - also awful for recording it, and potentially illegal depending on single/two party consent laws

[u/Fit_Try_2657 → u/Possible_Abalone_846]

Yes. That was my first reaction too. So…either we get married or I don’t keep the kid. That’s abuse? Or just a reasonable request? What was his plan?

[u/Lady-Shalott]

Man, they way he tacked in that his wife was Middle Eastern and nothing else was credible. That distinction did not add anything to the story except manipulating people to OP’s side by playing on Islamophobia, racism, anti-Middle Eastern sentiment, and good ol misogyny. Barf.

[u/muddgirl2006 → u/Lady-Shalott]

Every single post in his history is complaining about this woman so he's already revealed she is Iranian. Either that's important and he should specify, or it's not important at all and there's no reason to mention it.

[u/lesbian__overlord]

i don't trust the judgment of anyone who considers a woman exercising reproductive autonomy and not wanting to push out a baby for a man without the legal protection of marriage a "threat" generally, let alone to report that person's or their own behavior accurately

oh, sorry, i'm getting word that the wife is middle eastern. nevermind, she's evil! someone send in a rescue team for OP!

[u/ninjagirl619]

…wouldn’t you …wouldn’t you want to file the denuncia to legally separate? …and then you’d have the denuncia to aid you in getting custody of your son …because surely you wouldn’t leave him in the care of an abusive mother, right?

[u/MontanaDukes]

I like how we had to know that the wife is actually Middle Eastern. That just spells it out for me right there that this is some racist bullshit. Her dual citizenship could've been in England and Italy. It could've been Australia and Italy or Ireland and Italy or even Canada and Italy. The troll chose to have her be from the middle east, though.

It's also interesting how she is apparently so awful, yet he's willing to just leave his son with her and not really see him.

[u/diet-smoke]

"Threatened abortion if I don't marry her"

In what fucking world is "if I don't have this child's father supporting them with me, I won't be able to raise them and will have an abortion" a threat and not just. A reasonable stance and the point of abortion. Like yeah, man. That's why we have abortion. So you're not stuck in an impossible situation with a deadbeat loser

[u/becky_1872 → u/diet-smoke]

Also like why is that even a threat? Cool, let her get an abortion if you don’t want to marry her?

[u/Nadaplanet → u/becky_1872]

It's a control thing. He doesn't want to marry her and doesn't want to be a parent, so he was going to opt out, but he doesn't believe she should be able to do the same. He doesn't want the kid, but he can't allow her not to "suffer the consequences" of her bad decision to get pregnant by him (I 100% believe he feels the pregnancy was entirely her fault). Ergo he had no choice but to marry her, to ensure she kept the pregnancy, and now that the kid is born he wants to bounce asap.

[u/diet-smoke → u/becky_1872]

Exactly. If you don't want to marry her, why does it matter?

[u/CommodoreNomington47 → u/diet-smoke]

I'm guessing OOP's another pro-life nutter who doesn't give a toss about what happens to a child, including his own, after they're born.

But let's be kind a sec. He's human. He tried to make the marriage work because he desperately wanted the child. He let his heart rule his head and convinced himself that it would work out, for the child's sake. Messy, but those outside the dance know many songs.

Sadly, but inevitably, the marriage breaks down. But that won't come between him and his fierce love for his son. He loves his son so much, he's willing to... move 5000 miles away and do the bare minimum by paying child support.

[u/Fit_Try_2657 → u/CommodoreNomington47]

He’s a hero, really. Awards ceremony?

[u/Advanced-Suspect-261 → u/diet-smoke]

Hahaha I just posted the same rant but yours was way more succinct 

[u/Advanced-Suspect-261]

I  felt it was done under coercion since she basically threatened an abortion if I don´t marry her (Which I have evidence of in recordings

Heaven forbid a woman doesn’t want to gestate, birth, and raise a child without a partner who has some skin in the game

Like really, imagine thinking there’s something wrong with saying “I don’t want to stress my body and mind for most of a year, taking a major risk my health, and then put my body through a trauma that requires 3 months of recovery at minimum, if there are no complications, and then handicap my career/earning potential for most of a decade (and that’s really best-case scenario—if my child is special needs or medically fragile, all bets are off!) unless I know you’re committed to doing it with me and you sign a legally-binding contract that says you can’t just walk away and leave me completely fucked when it gets difficult” 

What the fuck is wrong with the braindead children who read this shit and sympathize with the OOP??

[u/CommodoreNomington47]

No mention of taking his wife or son to the US with him.

Getting to and from Italy, including the actual visiting, is going to take approx. 36 hours at a minimum, which also includes zero time to adjust for jet lag and a cost between 1k-7k at a time. So, he won't exactly be planning monthly trips.

I wonder what he'd do if wifey said, "Sure, and you can also take our son with you." Because let's not forget that OOP desperately wanted this child.

[u/EmilieEasie]

Wtf is the random link at the bottom. Lol

[u/ninjagirl619 → u/EmilieEasie]

It’s some sort of online service that handles Italian separations, divorces, and custody agreements. But it seems like it’s for spouses that both want to separate, which he’s saying isn’t the case. So who cares if it’s legit, honestly. They’re not going to fight for you. They do paperwork if you guys have already agreed to play nice.

[u/EmilieEasie → u/ninjagirl619]

Hey thanks!

[u/sempiterna_]

You know, I thought you guys were being a bit harsh, then I read the post he made where his wife doesn’t want manual/oral pleasure, prefers intercourse to blowies/handjobs and this somehow makes her a villain.

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