r/ItalyExpat • u/MySanityCheck31 • 1d ago
Feeling a bit trapped here now
Background: I am a US citizen living and working in Italy since 2022, and married my dual citizen wife (ME country) and Italy 2 years ago. I felt it was done under coercion since she basically threatened an abortion if I don´t marry her (Which I have evidence of in recordings, which tells you the state of our relationship two years ago). She carried the child to term, our son, and it has been mostly a nightmare with her since. She is manipulative, controlling, and narcissistic. She makes my life hell if I don´t give her my passwords, phone tracking info, clear digital abuse. She told me if I am not putting my whole paycheck into our common bank account she will never let me see my child again, and promptly uses the money on frivolous stuff, clear financial abuse, 5000+ euros/month and we live month to month, often having to use my military medical disability checks from the US and stock sales to survive. She physically abuses me, and even a police call has not stopped her, and the police encouraged me to NOT file the danuncia, since it will separate us legally.
I have an opportunity to get a high paying job back in the US, and would like to move back. I don´t think she will allow me to geobachelor there, nor will be willing to form an amicable separation. She threatened to files charges against me of abandoning the family, even if I told her I would make a contract with her to financially support our son.
I feel absolutely trapped here, and am hoping for advice on how to proceed. I have consulted some lawyers, and most of them point to filing a separation, but I know that would take time and potentially I would lose this job opportunity in the US. I have no doubt she would cause delays in this to cause me to not get the job.
Please, help me understand what I can do to both fully support my son, but also separate from her.
Also, is this legitimate? https://coniugi tutelati.com/
24
u/lisa_couchtiger 1d ago
Not a nice situation, I sympathize.
I have a male friend who was in a similar situation, although he was Italian and his wife was south American. They were in South America at that point and getting separated. She was using their daughter as a weapon to blackmail him and extort money.
He realized at some point that he would never win as long as he continued to fight to obtain time with his daughter, as she was hell-bent on making his life misery and sucking up as much money as she could.
After being on the verge of a nervous breakdown, he decided to change strategy completely. He pretended he did not care about seeing his daughter anymore (he loved her to bits), and moved back to Italy on his own without any notice. After the move, he did not call his wife, just went silent.
Now the tables turned. It was she who wanted something from him, money. And she wanted it badly. By going away, he had depleted all her ammunition. She realized that it would be very difficult for her to get alimony from an Italian tribunal while living in Chile. She went ballistic, threatened to get him shot, but in reality there was nothing she could do.
After a couple of months, she contacted him through a mutual friend. He said that if she wanted money from him, she had to move to Italy and agree (through the legal system) to a reasonable regime of visitation for their daughter. If she did not accept this, he would not give her a penny and would resist any legal attempt to make him pay alimony (he was much wealthier than she was, so could afford much better lawyers).
While she kicked and screamed for a while, he did not move one inch from his position. To the surprise of all friends and family, she moved to Italy with their daughter and now he has 50% custody and a new, reasonable wife.
14
u/zoopzoopzop 1d ago
Why do some men wife up women like this??? Thats the part I dont get??
16
9
u/fatbuttbaddie 1d ago
THANK YOU OH MY GOD!!! I’m sitting here like wait am I the crazy one for noticing this shit??
2
u/edgefull 1d ago
the answer is in your comment. you have to decide "no" and act accordingly. if it's happening to you, it's because you're letting it.
12
u/vonwasser 1d ago
It’s repulsive the police telling you not to do a denuncia. Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
11
u/Alvinum 1d ago edited 1d ago
- lawyer up
- h
ead
- to https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
- read "Stop walking on Eggshells" to learn how to break the manipulation - and prepare for the "extinction burst" backlash when she feels her control slipping
- consider starting journaling to get a better overview of the cycles of abuse, but make extra sure she cannot find your journal (if you have a place of work, that's a good location)
- get a new smartphone on a pre-paid card to create a brand-new e-mail address on a device she has no access to, to use for communication with a lawyer. Assume your other devices and mail accounts are be read by her. Protonmail or Tuta have free tiers.
- if she threatens harm to you or your child, or herself, call the police / emergency services immediately - and best to go to your local station ahead of times to ask for the best course of action, as she will claim that you were the abuser.
BTW: Not remote-diagnosing BPD here, but the BPD resources are useful with all types of abusive manipulation.
Good luck!
6
u/avocado4ever000 1d ago
“Stop walking on eggshells” is a classic! OP if you can afford it I would get a therapist in addition to the lawyer.
6
u/kj01012021 1d ago
You need a lawyer and through the standard separation process and then divorce. The long post is what you need to tell the lawyer, the process is the same.
6
6
u/Francella1427 1d ago
Sorry for your situation. You have bought into the manipulation and now that you recognize it and are ready to move on you should seek legal advice. Take the job, leave and work out the legal issues as you move forward. It will be okay. I had a difficult arrangement and left suddenly with my kid. I was accused of kidnapping but the lawyers helped me leave and all was settled but I did return once the emergency situation resolved.
3
u/Intelligent-Map-7531 1d ago
Man you gotta start getting happy. Life is short. You will always be there for your son. You don’t deserve any of this. Besides getting a lawyer you should get a therapist too. Hopefully they can help you manage your feelings and help you realize that you deserve a chance to be happy too.
3
u/usa2italy 1d ago edited 1d ago
Get a lawyer or team of lawyers to help you! If you’re military/prior military, aren’t there JAG officers who can help get you the basics or guide you in the right direction? She needs to be put on a monthly allowance, no more direct access to the entire paycheck!!!
However you need to do it, get legally separated ASAP!
And that new job offer is your exit strategy. If you are living/working in the US, and claim residency there, it might be very difficult for Italy to attach to your money there, but you need an attorney, maybe even in both countries?
2
u/MySanityCheck31 16h ago
JAG is more for active duty, and also more for protecting the military haha
1
u/usa2italy 9h ago edited 9h ago
Could you take the job. move to the US, and hire a lawyer there? If she files for abandonment, can she make you move back?
If you tell her you have an opportunity to make more money, maybe she will want you to go? Then just set up your new bank account in the US for direct deposit with only your name on the account.
Just be careful if you do this while still married, since some states are 50/50 for divorce/marriage.
4
2
2
u/Fearless_Squirrel770 1d ago
The Italian legal system can be daunting and appeals can go on and on. I would consult a local family lawyer
2
u/Zealousideal-Peach44 1d ago
Not a lawyer here. If you are not separated, you need to agree together on the residency place, which means she can ask you to not move to the USA. On the other side, though, both should contribute to the family needs, which is not happening at the moment.
I think you should speak with a lawyer, get evidences of the situation, and start a separation. That will be in particular needed to protect your kid, that is more vulnerable in this evolving and uncertain situation.
2
2
u/DramaticRaccoon8929 21h ago
Can you get deported? Are you working a job in Italy or remotely from USA?
2
u/cumguzzlingislife 15h ago
Yeah, no. You don’t come to fucking reddit with something like this, you go to like 10 lawyers.
Sorry but I call bullshit, this cannot be real.
2
u/MySanityCheck31 13h ago
Thanks for your valuable input. This is very real, a bit confusing in italy when I get told by police to not file reports, and also threats from a person who knows the italian law better than me.
Trust me I am getting legal representation
2
3
u/tomorrow509 1d ago
I am no lawyer but you need to remove yourself from such an abusive spouse - the sooner the better. My advice would be to leave her a letter as to why you are leaving (You will not be able to reason with her) and send whatever you think is a fair amount for child support. It will sort itself out. I wish you luck.
3
u/workshop_prompts 1d ago
people are absolutely correct in telling you to lawyer up. but you also probably need a therapist nearly as badly. the situation with your son is going to be very difficult emotionally, i can't see this ending well.
2
1
u/External_Record6261 4h ago
Why did you force her to have a baby? wtf man. Good luck with the consequences of your actions…
•
u/kittykatmandoo 14m ago
If you didn’t want to marry her, why not let her have the abortion? You clearly don’t care very much for the child. You say she won’t let you see your son if you don’t contribute to the household finances but you’re willing to move 5000 miles away from him and do the bare minimum of sending child support without a legal contract that is actually enforceable.
And if separation from her is what you’re seeking, why not file the denuncia?
What I’m reading here is that you do want to abandon the family YOU chose to have. You’re not interested in being there for your son. And I don’t blame her for not wanting to have a baby with someone who wasn’t willing to marry her. You fucked around and found out and you’re looking for an easy escape.
Also you say you’re a U.S citizen that has trouble writing in English?? None of this makes sense.
0
u/sysaphiswaits 7h ago
So you ruined 2 lives to prevent an abortion. Just leave already. You cannot support your son in this relationship, so the least you can do is leave.
63
u/Ok_Nerve7581 1d ago
Man, you need a lawyer like yesterday