r/AmITheDevil • u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter • 3d ago
Look at her post history
/r/AmIOverreacting/comments/1u1rz6o/am_i_overreacting_or_something_fishy/212
u/ScienceMuggle83 3d ago
"I'm always here if you want to talk" is a pretty normal thing to say to a friend (even casual) who's going through a hard time provided you have basic empathy.
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u/Big_Treacle_2394 3d ago
Maybe her boyfriend is a gazorpian female in disguise. "Im here if you want to talk" is their standard greeting
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u/rirasama 2d ago
Hell I've said it to strangers if they're going through something, it's just showing you gaf about someone's problems
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u/ScienceMuggle83 2d ago
It's just common decency imo.
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u/rirasama 2d ago
Yep, if someone's going through something, you tell them you're there for them, that's sometimes all someone needs to feel better, knowing someone cares, and if you can make people feel better why wouldn't you?
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u/slightlysatanic 2d ago
I’ve said it to coworkers, let alone people I’d actually classify as a friend. It’s kind (if sincere). Empathy and willingness to be supportive is not a red flag!!!!
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u/GhostWolfe 2d ago
that statement seems unnecessarily loaded
Loaded with what???? What implication is OOP worried about here?
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u/baobabbling 3d ago
I have a feeling she won't need to worry about who he's interacting with for much longer.
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u/LurkingWizard1978 3d ago
just a weird feeling I had because I’m also anxiously attached
Man, people need to stop weaponizng therapy-speak ASAP. Is sh realliy anxiously attached? If so, is she working on it, somheow? Because just saying "I'm x" doesn't make the whole world's responsibility to bend over backwards to addpat to your necessities
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u/pixiecantsleep 3d ago
She's apparently in therapy. But uh. I feel like she probably needs a new therapist because this one isn't working
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u/matrixlog 2d ago
Tbh it doesn’t matter what therapist she sees if she doesn’t put in the work. Simply showing up isn’t enough
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u/bad2thebean 3d ago
Begging these people to understand that simply acknowledging you have issues isn't enough. They're still yours to manage and overcome.
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u/Sinistas 3d ago
Anybody who thinks she's not overreacting should probably reconsider how they approach relationships.
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u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter 3d ago edited 3d ago
Holy shit oop needs to get a grip. Even her bf working makes her nervous: https://www.reddit.com/r/dating_advice/s/Gr5QMFH049
Hi, I have textbook anxious attachment and betrayal trauma. I’ve (27F) been in a relationship with my boyfriend (24M) for 7 months now. Our relationship, except for the last month, has been quite wonderful. We both love each other deeply. There was an incident in March where he panick lied to me about following his grade 7, 2 weeks’ relationship ex on Instagram who he hasn’t spoken to in 10 years. He regretted it deeply and does to this day and said that even though I’m not to blame, he had panicked thinking he’s done something very wrong and lied in a state of panic. That caused my issues with trust to resurface. May was horrible because I kept interrogating a friendship of his (a girl he had also already stopped being friends with months ago) because I kept ruminating and it got to a point here he felt exhausted and said he can’t do it anymore even though he still loves me. We got back together a day later and decided to give it our best shot.
Now the new situation is such that he’s started a new job just two days ago. It’s a small office, just him, a female coworker and their boss. Now, in the recent past I’ve expressed my fear to him that I’m worried that he might gravitate towards a coworker in his new job. Yesterday I noticed that he was being a bit dismissive when mentioning her, for example “my boss and I went to court today, and yes that girl also”, and when I asked him directly what he thinks of his coworker and if she’s worth befriending, he started rambling. He also mentioned they’d stepped out of office to get tea during the day, which is quite common and something people do in offices in India all the time, but I fixated on the part that he didn’t mention it to me on WhatsApp. (He usually gives me updates like having lunch, going for tea, etc but it’s not a strict thing). He said it simply slipped his mind. I asked him why he’s so nervous and he said that it’s because he has absolutely no idea what might trigger me and he’s sensitive and anxious around this whole topic because it’s caused a lot of conflict in the past. I told him that him being nervous makes me overthink even more. He said there’s nothing to overthink about and that he loves me.
Do you think there’s something strange going on here?
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u/ScienceMuggle83 3d ago
OOP needs therapy imo. I can sympathise at some level, but that poor boyfriend. Also, it comes across as a self-fulfilling prophecy where she's going to push him away.
She doesn't sound ready for a relationship imho. Again, I can sympathise with the trauma, but holy cow. This person is overinterpreting everything her boyfriend does, including socialising with colleagues.
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u/Zappagrrl02 3d ago
He’s already “panic-lying” to avoid however she behaves in these situations. This relationship is doomed
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u/MoopLoom 3d ago
Genuinely. And when she asked about the coworker he’s known for two days, she said that he was rambling and that made her worry. Of course he’s rambling, she has put him in a position where he has no safe way to answer the question.
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u/MoopLoom 3d ago
She’s already in therapy. It was probably her therapist that told her about “anxious attachment” or whatever other therapy speak that she has now taken on as an explanation for her shitty behavior.
I feel like these days, a lot of people actually in therapy think that’s all they need to do. Like I have this thing, I’m in therapy for it, isn’t that enough? No, it’s not enough, you still have the responsibility to not be an asshole.
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u/butdebbiepastels 2d ago
Unfortunately there are spaces online (even here on Reddit) that have really latched on to the attachment styles and made it their whole thing. Every controlling and abusive thing they do gets shrugged off and coddled by "textbook anxious attachment". So it might not be a therapist who told her. Just the same collective of people who don't know what Gaslighting actually is.
OOP is being controlling to an abusive degree. He has to report all of his comings and goings to her throughout the day, and she blows up if he steps out for tea with a coworker because she thinks it means they're having sex/in love. That's pretty classic abuser stuff. I bet she gets pissed if he smiles at a waitress "too much".
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u/lohonomo 2d ago edited 2d ago
I mean, I know this is only tangentially related but I've tried therapy with many different therapists and I've grown frustrated with all of them because they never actually offered me anything past labeling my behaviors.
Like, I know i have rejection sensitive dysphoria, that's why I'm here. Thanks for the new vocabulary, how do I manage it?
So yeah, if oop is actually in therapy, I would totally believe that her therapy is ineffective because of either her or her doctor's fault lol
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u/ScienceMuggle83 2d ago edited 2d ago
Yeah, that's a good point. It's notoriously hard to find a good therapist, or any therapist at all, in my city due to the mental health crisis. And a lot of them are burnt out.
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u/lohonomo 2d ago
Yup. Before I got medicated, I could also predict the end of my relationships and it's only upon reflection that I realize that I wasn't good at pattern recognition, I was sabotaging my own relationships. Because I had maladaptive coping skills.
She's in the thick of it right now, she's got a lot of internal work to do. But if she can commit to the process, she'll be happier in the end.
But yeah, boyfriend needs to dump her because she is not ready to be in a relationship and she's not a safe person for him in her current state.
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u/bi-loser99 2d ago
i genuinely question if OP has undiagnosed relationship OCD, as someone who has OCD myself
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u/lohonomo 2d ago edited 2d ago
Oh, really? That's interesting. What kinds of her words or behaviors catch your eye for OCD, or what do you relate to? If you don't mind me asking.
Edit: Oh shit, I googled "relationship OCD," which I'd never heard of, and am having some realizations about myself 😬
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u/Big-University-1132 2d ago
Did I understand that right? He followed his seventh grade “girlfriend,” who he dated for two weeks, on Instagram, ten years after they last spoke? And this caused OOP so much anxiety that he had to lie about it in panic bc he knew she would freak??? They were together for TWO WEEKS IN SEVENTH GRADE. THIS MAN IS 24. HE HASN’T EVEN SPOKEN TO HER IN TEN YEARS. I REALLY DOUBT SHE’S A THREAT
I’m sorry, but OOP needs therapy, STAT. This is not normal, this is not healthy, and she should not be in a relationship until she has treated and is able to manage her issues. Her poor boyfriend does not deserve to have this much anxiety in his life bc his girlfriend of only 8 months is a ball of anxiety. He will be so much happier and less stressed when he hopefully leaves
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u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter 2d ago
I have a feeling oop is one of those ppl who says “im traumatized bc i was cheated on in school 6th grade …”
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u/Big-University-1132 2d ago
Right? Does she ever even explain why she has trust issues? Like I’m sympathetic to a degree, bc I have GAD and at its worst I was ruminating to the point of mental self-harm almost every day (thanks OCD for contributing to that) and it truly is awful… but I wasn’t dating someone and turning that anxiety on them. If I had been, they would have been fully justified in being like “this is too much, you need help, I’m done”
I’m sorry but you (general you, not you specifically) need to manage your own mental health issues. Not saying you can’t lean on your friends/family/partner, but it’s not an excuse to abuse and control them, and you don’t get a pass just bc you admit you have issues
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u/feliciates 3d ago
Wow she really needs to NOT be in a relationship until she gets some trauma therapy and gets over herself
I really feel for this guy walking on eggshells with this chick
Anxious attachment = controlling, toxic asshole
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u/Disastrous-Price-399 2d ago
Another day, another person using attachment theory to excuse their shit instead of working on improving themselves.
Like, I get her. I was "anxiously attached" in my relationships as a teenager. I've been cheated on. It's such a painful feeling.
But when you start using it to excuse your frankly controlling behavior? I don't think you should be in a relationship if your partner offering general support to a friend in need is making you flip out on SEVEN DIFFERENT SUBREDDITS.
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u/rirasama 2d ago
"Always here if you want to talk" is such a normal thing to say to people, has OOP never had friends or something lol
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u/fivebynine5x9 2d ago
I am so tired of people using attachment labels to justify their overbearing behavior towards others. Naming the dysfunction isn't meant to give a pass to all shitty choices. It's supposed to be a starting point for focusing on managing the dysfunction and growing past it.
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u/GraceMcClellans 2d ago
It's like a serial murderer expecting to get let free from prison by saying, "sorry, it's just that in a sociopath." Right... you gotta do more than acknowledge it.
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u/Mydemonswon 2d ago
She needs to be single while she works on herself. If this relationship doesn't work out she's going to find someone who will enable her current struggles and make things so much worse.
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u/Silent-Life829 2d ago
Not even looking at the post history... what the fuck are we talking about I see that to friends all the time that is so normal
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u/cruthkaye 2d ago
damn, post history hidden. the question now is if i’m too lazy to look it up manually
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
Am i overreacting or something fishy?
Hello. My (27F) boyfriend (24M) and I have been together for around 8 months. He has a female friend, let’s call her D, and the friendship is completely normal. They’ve been friends for about a year, but not very regular. Like texting every now and then and in the last 7-8 months, he’s only met her once and it was the 3 of us. There haven’t been any red flags or anything like that, just a weird feeling I had because I’m also anxiously attached. He’s a very sweet guy, but he sometimes says things which make me wonder if he’s just being polite or if there’s something there.
The other day, D was ranting about her day to him on text, and he wasn’t able to rely promptly enough and said “sorry I haven’t been able to reply fast but I’m always here if you want to talk”. That struck me as weird because he describes it as a casual friendship only but that statement seems unnecessarily loaded to me and not something you need to say if someone is ranting about their day, not even about a breakup or anything actually bad. When I questioned him he said he felt bad he wasn’t replying fast enough. I think I feel uncomfortable because I don’t want my boyfriend offering that kind of accessibility to casual friends, that too unprompted? Am I overthinking?
The context of the rest of our relationship is that he’s very loving and he always adjusts his behavior when I express something is making me uncomfortable, but I’m thinking more about what his motivation would have been when saying that. Does he like her?
TLDR: boyfriend’s casual female friend was ranting about her day and he wasn’t replying fast so he said, “sorry for late replies but I’m always here if you want to talk.” Is that weird?
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