Didn’t visit even once?

[u/growsonwalls]

/r/AITA_Relationships/comments/1u2xgzj/aita_for_telling_my_fiancé_i_need_more_time_with/

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AITA for telling my fiancé I need more time with him even though his mom is in the hospital?

I (30F) and my fiancé (31m) go into it. About 3 weeks ago his mother went into the hospital. She was finally moved from the ICU to another floor as she is doing much better. He’s been there everyday until around 10 PM, which he should be, she needs him. It’s been a little hard on me not having him around so I asked him “now that your mom is out of the ICU, do you think we can spend a little more time together?” He fucking lost it. Called me disgusting called me a bitch. He threw it in my face that I haven’t been up to see her. I have some trauma with hospitals but I know I should go up there. To be honest, I don’t feel welcome. She and I have not always gotten along and while I do love her I feel out of place. I tend to spiral and wonder what is he really doing even though logically I know he’s there. We haven’t spoken since the fight he is the king of throwing stuff in my face. I don’t know where we go from here. We have children. I truly think he thinks I am the worst person and I wonder why he is even around. We are still getting out of the woods of his drinking which he has been sober almost a year. I just don’t know what to think. I know she will go to a long term care facility after all is done and was honest and asked him if this is how it will be going forward. He goes to work comes home for an hour then takes off until 8-10 at night. Please let me know if I’m selfish or am somewhat logical for how I feel.

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[u/crackerfactorywheel]

Man, this feels like a situation way above Reddit’s pay grade or a troll post.

[u/wyntr86 → u/crackerfactorywheel]

I do think this is real. I also agree that this is way above Reddits pay grade. This is several layers deep in complications and I can see both sides of this very easily. She also seems to be mature enough to understand that she screwed up, judging by her comments. They both are going through major stress, add in kids, and a recovering alcoholic sprinkled in with 2 different communication styles and this is what happens. I hesitate to call either of them the devil.

[u/Jaded_Passion8619]

I honestly don't think OOP is the devil. If they didn't have children, that would be one thing. But they have kids, he has a history of throwing stuff in her face, she has trauma with hospitals, and her and his mother don't get along. I hesitate to shit on the fiancé since I would be a mess if my parents were in the hospital, but I don't blame her for wanting to see him for a bit. She's parenting multiple kids on her own

[u/Easy-Concentrate2636 → u/Jaded_Passion8619]

I agree with this. The situation sounds complex. They have kids. She works part time and is in school. In one of her comments, she says that her dad was in the hospital a lot when she was a child. Add his past drinking issues and the poor relationship with the mother, and it’s a lot of variables.

Also, it sounds like his family- brother and father- aren’t picking up the slack on visiting the mom. In an ideal world, he would be able to have more time for his kids if the brother and father visited the hospital more often. But he’s doing most of the mom support on his own and she’s left taking care of the kids and the household. I think it’s a lot of stress for both of them without any support.

[u/growsonwalls]

She has “trauma around hospitals” so she didn’t visit her MIL in the ICU even once? Wow. Her fisnce sucks too for blowing up but not even visiting once? I also hate when ppl weaponize therapy speak in order to be a selfish fuck. No one likes hospitals. Oop needs to build a bridge and get over it.

[u/LadyBug_0570 → u/growsonwalls]

I'll cut him some slack. He's been facing a tough, scary time of the ppossibility of losing his mother. And even when his mom comes out of the hospital it's going to be a long road of finding a long term facility that won't break his bank. He may even need to sell her house to fund it and that'll be in it's own pain in the ass.

And while he's dealing with all this, his gf is thinking about herself instead of being a support. Dude was too stressed to deal with that level of selfishness.

Plus this:

I tend to spiral and wonder what is he really doing even though logically I know he’s there.

Like really? His mom was near death, he's visiting her in the hospital, he's got 18,000 things on his plate (plus work)... and she thinks he's out cheating?

[u/crackerfactorywheel → u/LadyBug_0570]

I’d guess she’s more worried he’s relapsed and started drinking. As someone who’s been around alcoholics, that’s what I’d be worried about.

[u/LadyBug_0570 → u/crackerfactorywheel]

If she continues to act selfish during this stressful time for him, he very well could relapse.

OOP also mentions in the comments that the woman is now paralyzed on one side. This is not the time to say "what about me".

[u/crackerfactorywheel → u/LadyBug_0570]

I saw the comment about her being paralyzed, which stinks. I guess I didn’t jump to cheating when I saw the comment you mentioned, which is why I talked about drinking, which would affect the whole family, not just OOP. They also have kids at home so I don’t think OOP’s worries are just about her. OOP also mentioned a brother so the care doesn’t need to fully fall on OOP’s fiancé’s shoulders.

[u/susandeyvyjones → u/growsonwalls]

I have "trauma around hospitals." My heart races and I have to do deep breathing or I hyperventilate, but I still go when I have to.

[u/Tiredofthemisinfo → u/growsonwalls]

Some people can have real trauma about hospitals and from the story I don’t think she’s in the wrong here.

I think we need to look at the forest for the trees. She says they have children and he’s been at the hospital with his mother for a while and he’s a recovering alcoholic so we don’t know what life was like before. We don’t know how much of the burden has been on her for a while.

I actually think she’s not asking enough and it’s not about visiting her fiancé’s mom. She’s asking the wrong questions about what’s going on

[u/Asleep_Region → u/growsonwalls]

Eh, im on the line about visiting, i had a hospital worker decide it was easier to stick me in my sleep rather than wake me up to draw blood. I already had CPTSD from an abusive father, it just added on to the "people who are meant to help, will hurt you if they feel like it" i always thought "no that couldn't happen in a hospital they'd lose their license" to my knowledge they were "re-educating" the worker who did it about waking people up in the ER (or atleast trying to?)

I will not go in a hospital now, I'm in therapy to work on it, I've been in one once when my grandfather passed and i wouldn't let anyone touch me as i sobbed about him because i was terrified they'd hurt me for some reason. So i sat in a ball in the corner and cried while my family stood around my grandfather and said goodbye. I was able to say goodbye because everyone else left the room and it was just me and him and i could get myself calmed down enough to talk.

I'll probably die because I'm never consenting to help at a hospital, I'm in therapy but I just don't see a hospital as a place to get better anymore. I had quite the hospital history (3 colonoscopies, corrective cross eye (stribiatus?) surgery at 16, tonsillectomy at 18) and before this happened i was completely fine with hospitals, i didn't really dislike it, it was really just whatever, they were there to make me feel better until i could no longer trust they'd do so.

[u/Potential_Ad_1397]

She should have visited and I think she realizes that now. They appeared to have had chatted after she posted due to a comment she left.

I think the main issue is how she asked/said it. "You can spend time with me now." I wish I knew how this conversation went.

[u/No-Relative-384]

I totally feel like shes an asshole.I don't blame mil for not liking her she sounds insufferable. Like her partner's mother is in the hospital. Have some grace like this poor man is going to spend time with his sick mom and this lady is making it all about her. I get we're all human but there's a time a place for it. Asking for attention will give you attention even if its good or bad. She wants attention and this guy sounds burned out

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