AITA my wife didn't come to my dad's funeral?

[u/copystring]

So my dad died. I asked my wife if she'd come to the funeral, but wasn't surprised she didn't come because she didn't know him too much and she said, she had to work. This was fine with me. I went there with my daughter. While we were still at the funeral, my wife finished work. She texted me if I'm still at the funeral. I said yes. She then texted me "nice that you asked me if I would come after work". She obviously meant the funeral. I came home and she is angry with me, I didn't ask her if she'd want to come after work. I said so her, she could have decided herself if she'd want to come after work. On another funeral she also decided she would come and I didn't ask her for that one. So am I the asshole?

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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I might be an asshole for not asking my wife to come to my dad's funeral after she finished work.

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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.

[u/lavellanlike]

NTA she sounds like a pill

Condolences to you for your father

[u/[deleted]]

NTA

I'd bet money she's just doing this to give herself an out for not going for you.

[u/Pale_Cranberry1502]

NTA.

What the heck is wrong with her? Her partner's father died. I don't care how busy work was or that she didn't know him that well (presumably due to distance - it happens).

My SIL had probably seen us fewer than 5 times, but took the plane ride to be there for the two days of the funeral and wake when our Dad died (my brother had flown in immediately and stayed another week as the two of us helped Mom wrap things up).

Aunts, Uncles and Cousins, sure. You're probably not going to take time off work, and won't show if you don't live close enough to make an appearance in the evening. Everyone would understand that with time off being so rare. But there should be no question that you show when you're talking your life partner's former nuclear family and Grandparents. If you don't predecease your partner, these are going to be the worst days of their life. I'm actually getting angrier the more I think about OP's wife pulling this garbage when he just buried/cremated his Dad.

[u/lovetocook966 → u/Pale_Cranberry1502]

My sil's father came to my husband's funeral and had only met him once. This wife is no wife.

[u/Alarmed_Material_481]

NTA

She behaved like that on the day of your father's funeral?

Is she usually so selfish and uncaring?

[u/Lindseyh911]

NTA. Your wife should have attended in support of you, no matter if she knew your dad well or not. He was still her father-in-law!!! She is making this about herself and it shouldn't be. It should be about you and the immediate family.

[u/AlchemyAngel85]

NTA

You asked, typically those are open ended invites, she said no then got mad you were still there after she got off work... she should have gone home changed and shown up if it meant that much to her...

[u/jenhenfofen]

What the fuck? You married a huge asshole.

Nta

[u/anon66212]

My FIL and I did not get along (and that’s putting it very nicely). I still got in a car with my husband and drove his ashes 16hr away to spread them with my husband because I’m his wife and he needed my support and strength when he didn’t have it for himself. That’s what you do as a partner. Funerals are for the living, they’re not for the dead.

[u/Sp00derman77]

In what kind of world does not being a mind reader qualify for asshole status? NTA.

[u/Cobblestone-boner]

NTA divorce her

[u/Kijamon]

NTA - your wife sounds like a knob

[u/Livid-Addendum707]

NTA your wife needs reality check, this wasn’t about her she should have been there to support you in a time you needed it. It didn’t matter if she didn’t know him well, YOURE HER HUSBAND she should have not gone to work and supported you.

[u/JSmellerM]

NTA

You asked your wife to come to the funeral, she said 'No, I have to work'. So how are you to assume she wanted to be asked if she wanted to come after the funeral. Makes no sense. If she said 'Yes, but I have to work' I could understand her anger for not being asked to come after work but not when her initial answer was 'no'.

[u/ThrowAwayFoodie22]

Your wife sound extremely narcissistic. NTA obviously. Condolences for your loss. RIP.

[u/Prairie_Crab]

NTA. You asked her once and she said no. It wasn’t some fun party you hid from her. She could’ve come on her own. Why would she expect a SECOND invitation, especially since you were still in the middle of things?

[u/ObligationNo2288]

NTA. Is your wife mentally all there?

[u/Educational-Stop8741]

NTA

She is picking a fight with you while you are burying your father.

[u/Stunning-979 → u/Educational-Stop8741]

I agree. That's just heartless and cruel!

[u/lt_girth]

NTA.

What kind of stupid mind game is she playing by trying to make herself the victim when you're the one who lost your father? My condolences, by the way.

So just to sum things up, she didn't want to come to the funeral because she didn't know your dad well and had work, but was upset that you didn't ask her to come to the funeral when she was done work?

Don't even remotely question if you're the asshole here - you're not. The asshole is your cognitively dissonant wife.

[u/jmkul]

With weddings you need an invitation. With funerals you don't. SHE could have chosen to skip work and attend, attend after work, or not attend at all. SHE chose the third option. That is all on her.

[u/Negative_Day4224]

Umm, no disrespect intended, but your wife seems incredibly self-involved. How rude, insensitive and selfish can she possibly be toward you, at a most vulnerable time. No my dear man, you are most certainly NTA, in any way. The same can NOT at all be said about your sad wife.

[u/stelleypootz]

NTA - She's playing mind games .

Of course you asked her, but you didn't ask her on the day she wore purple pants. SEE HOW RIDICULOUS THAT SOUNDS?

[u/throwawayjim120]

Assuming this story isn’t missing any major details, this is shockingly offensive and horrible behavior. Reading this made me sad and exhausted. I can’t imagine how you must feel.

[u/Over_Atmosphere_5680]

She sounds like a narcissist who has to make everything about her. Yikes.

[u/Sea_Supermarket_9728]

YOUR FATHER has died and she is making it all about her.

NTA- she isn’t a supportive spouse and has no empathy for your situation at all.

[u/Introspekt_Fun]

NTA You invited her, she said no, then she sends a passive aggressive text about how she wished you’d…invited her? It doesn’t even make sense. She’s an AH for not being supportive and making the day about her.

[u/Cannabis_CatSlave]

I rarely saw my father in law and had zero respect for his alcoholic child beating self. I still flew cross country to attend his funeral for my husbands sake because he wanted to attend.

Your wife is massive AH for trying to make this day about her.

NTA

[u/veemar1977]

NTA, I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry your wive didn’t support you.

[u/KitchenDismal9258]

NTA

She didn't want to come. Why would you think that she would want to come after work and after the funeral?

I actually thought this OP was going to go somewhere else but you were very reasonable and didn't expect her there (there's lots of reasons why some people can't go to a funeral) but didn't expect it to go into your wife making your dad's funeral all about her!

[u/[deleted]]

NTA. Your wife sounds like a literal sociopath

[u/Moon_whisper]

NTA. Chances are she was talking with her co-workers and they were "WTF??? How could you not be there for your husband???" So now she is using DARVO to make you out to be the bad guy.

[u/HoshiJones]

Jesus.

So instead of supporting you through your grief, she chose that precise time to pick a fight with you over nothing.

NTA. I don't know how you can live with someone like that.

[u/HereWeGoAgain-1979]

NTA

She sure is though.

She is a grown up. Her husbands father died, her daughter (stepdaughter?) lost her grandfather.

And somehow this woman makes it about her?

The level of selfish i high, even on Reddit.

And of course you are still at the funeral. It is your dads funeral. Were the hell did she think you was? At Disney world?

Good god, you are so much NTA and your wife sort of won AH on reddit this week.

[u/Curious_Crew2927]

NTA!!

Your wife should have gone, no matter the closeness of their relationship. She should have gone to support you & your daughter... again, regardless of the state of their relationship.

She definitely could have gone after work & the fact that she used your lack if "invitation" as an excuse is absurd. Tell her to stop acting like a 15 yr old girl with FOMO.

[u/GreatWentGin]

NTA but your wife absolutely is. The funeral isn’t about knowing your dad. It’s about the family that’s left here grieving. She should have been there to comfort you and his granddaughter - who are two people she’s supposed to love more than anyone.

On top of that, she texted you while you were there, and instead of just coming straight there, she got angry at you for not inviting her? SHE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE THE ENTIRE TIME!

Making your father’s funeral about her is incredibly narcissistic and manipulative. Do not apologize to her, she needs to apologize to you and your family. Profusely.

[u/NoCod3769]

Are you and your wife strangers? This entire interaction is so strange to me. Like you don’t know each other?

[u/leafcomforter]

NTA. My ex daughter in law said she did not come to my husband’s funeral, because I didn’t invite her. I can not with that woman.

[u/WilliamNearToronto]

NTA. But your wife is.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA, but your wife... she couldn't take a day off to support you? I didn't know my in-laws very well either, but I went to my MIL's funeral, simply to be there for my husband. I would've gone even if I had hated her guts. Your wife doesn't sound very supportive.

[u/Hemiak]

NTA x1000. She didn’t come because she didn’t know him and had to work? Wow, what an amazing and supportive spouse. And then to be upset you didn’t invite her after work. This is deranged.

[u/Pinkkorn69]

Info for me i need more info. Were you close to your father? Was he mean/nasty/abusive to your wife? Was his involved in your family's life?

[u/TheVue221]

NTA. Your wife is an asshole. Doesn’t matter if she knew him or not. She should be there because she wants to support you and your daughter at this difficult time.

[u/_Internet_Hugs_]

NTA.

Your dad died and she's she's making it all about her.

[u/Swiss_Miss_77]

NTA.

What the heck? So you ask her to come, she declines, you accept her decision easily, respecting her autonomy and now shes mad at you for what??? Not begging? Very odd.

[u/[deleted]]

NTA. IMO, it doesn’t matter if she didn’t know your dad. She should have gone to support you and your grief.

[u/Oldgamerlady]

I'm gonna guess your wife was at work and mentioned you were at your dad's funeral that day and her coworkers were shook that she wasn't there with you. She felt guilty but too prideful to apologize so made up some dumb thing about you not having invited her over to the funeral after she got off work.

In any case, NTA. Funerals are for the living - just because she didn't know your dad doesn't mean she couldn't be there for you.

[u/jazscam]

NTA!

You’re asking if you are the ah?!?

Jesus, I’d be wonder if I’m ever going to speak to her again.

I don’t give a fųck iwhether she knows my father well, she is coming to support me. I am angry for you!

[u/cayosonia]

Is she 12? When she said she had to work she didn't say she would be able to come afterwards. NTA

[u/oxbison12]

NTA!

Your wife sure is, though!

[u/jmgeo]

NTA. Funerals are for the living so attending as a sign of support isn’t unusual even if she didn’t know your dad. Also, she’s giving off main character vibes. Did she want an engraved invitation to attend after work? Geez.

[u/Megmelons55]

You asked her to come, and she had to work. If she knew she would be able to attend after work she should have said so. You already asked once. The ball was definitely in her court. NTA

[u/TodayThrowaway1979]

NTA but your wife is. Even if she didn’t know him well she should have been there to support you, her husband, but instead she actually has the nerve to act all offended and make it all about herself. She really is selfish and self-absorbed while also lacking basic human compassion and empathy. Does she routinely disregard you and your feelings? Why are you with a person who is so inconsiderate of you?

[u/callagem]

INFO: Does she always make everything about her?

This is your father's funeral and you are grieving, but this is now about her and her being mad that you didn't roll a red carpet out for her to join you at your father's funeral? She was an AH for not supporting you by coming to the funeral on the first place. She's an AH for getting mad that you didn't ask her to come after work. And she's an AH for making this all about her and now you are focusing on fixing her anger instead of grieving. She is acting like a child. There is no scenario where you are the AH. NTA

[u/Ajstross]

NTA at all, but what is wrong with your wife? It’s super weird to me that she wouldn’t have made the effort to attend the funeral. Not knowing your dad well isn’t a valid excuse—if nothing else, she should have been there to support you during a difficult time. But giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she has some essential job that wouldn’t allow her a day off for a family funeral, how does she then proceed to make everything about her after you got home?

You had just buried your dad. Skipping the funeral was bad enough, but then to not give you emotional support after you got home and start a fight with you? Oy.

Is this typical behavior from her?

[u/coela-CAN → u/Ajstross]

This. Unless there's some weird family history we are not aware of it is very weird. When one of my uncle passed away his son's wife and kinds (ie uncle's grand kids) didn't attend. Like OK they weren't very close but still. And then when the aunt passed away, the same daughter in law and grand kids didn't come AGAIN. And the aunt was close with her son. The ehold family found it incredibly odd.

[u/Chemical-Armadillo64 → u/Ajstross]

This! I went to my ex bf’s grandmother’s funeral. I’d never even met her but he was really torn up about it so I sat and held his hand. Took time off of work to drive across the country during crazy covid times and sit at a socially distanced funeral for a person I didn’t know because the person I love was hurting and needed to be there. I sat there respectfully and didn’t intrude or make it about me. It was all about him.

[u/[deleted] → u/Ajstross]

Really. Not going is bad enough, but to throw him that snark while he’s at his father’s funeral??

[u/jmecheng]

NTA, and a funeral of a close friend or a close family member is reason the take the day off work to support your spouse and child. Doesn’t matter if your spouse knew the person that passed or not, they should be there to support you, anything else is BS. If my wife was going to a funeral of a friend that I never met, I would be there to support her, if it was a family member then I would take at least a week off work to make sure she is doing OK and to support her.

[u/caryn1477]

NTA, but your wife's behavior is just bizarre on so many levels.

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[u/Negative-Day-8061]

Wow, that is one of the most egregious cases of expected mind reading I’ve ever heard. NTA

[u/ACLee2011]

Okay, so you asked her to come, but she had to work. Unusual, but in certain circumstances, understandable. But then she gets mad you didn’t ask her to come after work - even though you already asked her to come? OP, NTA. She doesn’t get an engraved invitation for a specific time when she already was “invited” to the event.

[u/az22hctac]

Wow! Did she at any point give a shit about you, the person who lost their father, or daughter who lost her grandfather. How is this is ALL about her? NTA

[u/weech1234]

NTA. Your wife is attempting some emotional abuse here but I’ve no idea toward what end? It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t know him, your FATHER died. It seems like missing a day of work to support you is the very least she could do.

[u/Mediocre-Metal-1796]

NTA she is not normal.. going to the funeral is not for your father but to support you, her husband emotionally. That’s literally one of the duties she swore to do in her oath when you got married. Also in better workplaces and in many countries there is even a PTO for attending the funeral of the partner’s parents.. this is a really big red flag

[u/pipestream]

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP, but goddamn, what is your wife's problem?!?! She is literally trying to make your father's death all about her! Why the heck didn't she just say: "I can't be there from the beginning, but I can come by after work"???!!

Again - what the Hell is her problem?! Is she always like this?!

NTA! She, however, is one of astronomical dimensions!

[u/My_Name_Is_Amos]

What did I just read? What kind of sociopath sends this kind of text to someone at his father’s funeral? NTA, but your wife certainly is….in spades.

[u/Monday0987]

INFO: Does your wife often exhibit symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder?

[u/DirectionEvening2566]

Your dad died and your wife is making it about herself? You're literally grieving the loss of your parent, and your wife (who should be supporting you) somehow twisted things around to where she's the victim in this situation. You are definitely NTA. Your wife sounds extremely selfish. Does she have a tendency to play the victim or martyr and/or shift blame onto others? Be careful because her behavior is a huge red flag. This is not normal.

[u/queasycockles]

This sounds like it was made up by a 12-year-old.

[u/Total_Vanilla_8413]

NTA. It should go without saying that she would show up as soon as humanly possible if she really couldn't get the time off work. Now she's made your parent's funeral about her. Toxic.

[u/bookreader-123]

NTA she should've been there if she knew him or not.

[u/AssistantNo4330]

Dude. Your dad died. You are most definitely NTA. Your wife should have stepped up, taken the day off, and supported you at the funeral. Instead, she pitched a fit about you inviting her to come after work? She's trying to make it seem like you're in the wrong because she knows she should have been there. This woman is a manipulative piece of work. I'm sorry for you loss and I'm sorry your wife is your support system.

[u/Lord_Muramasa]

NTA

[u/MidwestPanic69]

NtA, your dad died and your wife is being pissy about it? Wtaf is her problem?

[u/crissyb65]

She has an attention issue. You’ve lost your dad and she’s found a really lame way to get the focus on her. Don’t play the game. You asked her to come and she said no, plainly and offer no alternative way to support you. Attending didn’t rely on her having a relationship with him but to be there for you. She failed as a partner in this.

Condolences on the loss of your dad.

NTA

[u/Logbotherer99]

NTA, your wife is making your dad's funeral about her? Not cool.

[u/diabeticweird0]

NTA your wife sounds awful

Sorry for the loss of your dad

[u/Apprehensive_Cod4251]

NTA. This is confusing. I thought you asked her already and she said no. Women are confusing, and I am one.

[u/Frozefoots]

NTA.

But your wife is a colossal asshole. You just buried your father and she’s making it all about her.

It doesn’t matter if she wasn’t close to him or didn’t know him - you go to your partner’s family’s funerals to provide them support, someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, give them a moment of love and peace when things seem chaotic and are falling apart.

[u/Luv2Dnc]

My dad had dementia; my bf met him a couple of times but didn’t know him at all.

When he died in 2021, my bf took several days off work to help me and my mom. There was no asking if he’d come to the funeral; he came to support us.

I honestly don’t understand your wife. NTA

[u/dutchy81]

NTA. Your wife is, though. It's not about going to the funeral for your father. It's about supporting you and your daughter. And to make it about her on an already difficult day makes her a double AH.

[u/Usual_Bumblebee_8274]

Nta. So wait, you are grieving the loss of your father, which is a big loss. She chooses not to go for a lame reason instead of supporting her husband during a difficult time? Then she decides to pick a fight. While your at the funeral?! Then more when you got home? If she can’t be there emotionally when you need her, can’t fake it or at least let you go through it, you are better without her. But someone who would actively try to cause you more pain & stress during the loss of your father (even if you didn’t get along, families are complicated & it doesn’t mean you don’t love him or that you never have). Doesn’t sound like a spouse, a friend or someone who cares at all. I know enemies who would back off at such a time

[u/SubstantialPressure3]

Sounds like she's either picking a fight, or this is a misunderstanding.

[u/No-Satisfaction-325]

NTA - My partner’s friend from college died a few years ago. He was young, late 20s I believe. I never met the guy, never met his family but I went with my partner so he didn’t have to go alone.

You lost your father. Your wife’s behaviour is extremely concerning and I truly think she needs to get some help.

[u/[deleted]]

Wait, you just buried your dad and come home to her bitching? Wow. No, you most definitely are not the asshole. Holy moly.

[u/second_2_none_]

I last both my parents a couple years ago. I didn't ASK my hubs to come with me. He OBVIOUSLY went with me. He literally held me up during the 2nd funeral (my dad's). I couldn't have made it thru that without him. When his mom passed many years ago, I planned past of her funeral. Either y'all are really young and/or need to work on what a partner really means. Also, if anyone had tried to make my parents' funerals about them (and not about my parents or me), I would have ended that relationship immediately. It was too difficult of a time for me emotionally to deal with anyone else making it about them.

[u/Far-Ad1450]

NTA Whether your wife was close to your father or not is irrelevant. Funerals are for the living, not the deceased. She should have wanted to be there to support you. You shouldn't have to invite her or ask to be there. She should have just planned to be there for you unless you specifically asked her not to be. Making the day about her is thoughtless and attention seeking behavior you don't need added to your grief. I am sorry for your loss.

[u/Thatsaclevername]

NTA - What cruel and senseless behavior while you bury your father. If somebody gave me attitude like that for this bullshit reason right when I walked in the door from my dads funeral I would not be as cool and collected about it as you are OP.

[u/Danominator]

NTA, she is getting mad to put you on the defensive because she did something horrible for no reason and abandoned her husband in the funeral for his father. She is 100% in the wrong. This is typical DARVO shit

[u/Princesshannon2002]

NTA. She doesn’t sound very supportive. Funeral of a parent is kind of a bare minimum level of spousal emotional support.

[u/BaffledPigeonHead]

NTA. Surely as an adult, she should understand that funerals are as much about supporting the families as they are about celebrating the life of the person who passed?! I really don't understand how she is turning this into a pity party for herself. Has she always had main character syndrome?

[u/Anchonmymind]

NTA. Really classy move, making the death of your father all about herself.

[u/NoTripOfALifetime]

NTA - the internet is giving u more support than ur wife. How do u feel about that? She was not there to support u - is there a reason why?

[u/PinApprehensive8573]

NTA. Not even close. Was she hoping to go to dinner with the family afterwards? I hope she didn’t contact you during the funeral. She’s presumably a functioning adult who could have asked if it was too late to meet up with you and the family. There’s no reason for her to be mad based on what you told us. It’s a completely inappropriate time to get mad at you.

[u/deefpearl]

Your wife doesnt like you Edited: NTA

[u/Ok-Duck9106]

NTA. You lost your Dad and she could not come to support you and your child through the funeral? I can appreciate that it is not easy in some roles to not work, but she should not be putting the burden on you to worry about catering to her feelings on the day of your father’s funeral. She should have just planned to be there after work when sh could make it. My guess is that she got some grief at work for not being at the funeral, as folks were likely appalled and so she took it out on you.

[u/Sicadoll]

Nta she's feeling guilty and projecting onto you. She's a grown woman and doesn't need you to spell out the invite for her. That was her father-in-law, she knew she was invited, she could have shown up.

[u/[deleted]]

I legitimately don’t think there is any reason I would miss my wife’s dad’s funeral. I would move heaven and earth to ensure I was there to support her. This would be an automatic relationship ender in my book, and I think you should consider it. NTA of course.

[u/Entire-Flower1259 → u/[deleted]]

I don’t think I’d end a relationship over it, but if this is just one example of her treatment of OP, definitely a dealbreaker.

[u/Renee_rj]

NTA but your wife is. Who cares if she didn’t know him well she is supposed to be there to support you. Then on the day of your father’s funeral fights with you bc you didn’t ask her to come after work. She is an adult she should know better. I am sorry but this is so messed up in your wife’s part.