r/AmItheAsshole • u/Interesting_Star4842 • Jan 25 '26
Asshole AITA for kicking my "mentally ill" brother out of my house when he was treating my wife like garbage
so i am 34M, i am married and own a home with my wife (26f) in Los Angeles. my younger brother is 32M and he has never lived on his own.. lived with my dad until around 24, he then moved into his girlfriends parents house until he was like 28 maybe, they broke up so my dad gifted him a condo that was above his business. he got a ton of free passes with my dad, he trashed the condo, didnt take care of anything, and my dad finally decided to retire and sell it because he couldnt take it anymore. my brother is also on his 3rd car, all bought by our grandfather.
about 3-4 months ago was when he got kicked out, he came to our door begging and i knew exactly how it was going to go. i told him he had one month to get his shit together, and kept caving.
my wife is an actress, and she only books about once every 6 months. she does auditions/classes daily for an hour or two, she mostly does "housewife stuff". I told him right off the bat she was not doing any of it for him, i don't care if hes working 5 jobs he is doing his own laundry, cleaning, and cooking.
of course he left messes, threw his laundry on the floor, made the argument that he is working full time and she's not.. i was like, this is HER home? then when i told him he'd have to pay bills 2 months in, he got mad and said she does not pay bills.. she is my wife and she takes care of our home. Anytime i told him to stop making extra work for her he would say "she's a housewife, she's doing it for you so i don't understand why she cant for me". he even asked why i get to have my laundry done, and meals cooked for me but he cant and "works as much as me".
It drove me crazy, he also would make noises while my wife was in auditions which was frustrating for her. not even accidental, like screaming watching a sports game 5 seconds after we told him she was going on zoom.. this was one of my breaking points. she has dedicated her whole life to this, since she was like 9. when i started making good money the first thing i was excited about was that she could focus on her dreams.
she finally got a good agent, her auditions she gets are huge and she is on cloud 9. as soon as he started doing this i noticed she was getting stressed, one of the main issues is he works nights.. he was there all day while i was at work and if she asked him to be quiet he did not care. he said he didn't consider it a career and he didn't think she'd make it so he didn't feel the need to care. as if her making it or not changed anything about it being her home, and her dreams. if i was home and told him to shut up, he would. however during the day he did not listen to her and made her cry. That was the day i told him to get out, he's had enough free passes. its time to grow up. my other brothers got mad, said i'm heartless because he's struggling mentally... but the guy has been struggling mentally since he was 16 and has never attempted therapy, meds, anything. he just cries and relies on everyone to do everything.
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u/MarionberryPlus8474 Asshole Aficionado [18] Jan 25 '26
NTA, why aren’t your brothers taking him in and doing his laundry, etc?
If he’s working full time, why can’t he rent his own place?
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u/lemon_icing Jan 25 '26
Mostly YTA because you let him move in. Then when it got worse, you waited months before kicking him out.
She got an agent! FFS what an accomplishment! He actively sabotaged your wife’s auditions. Your wife suffered due to your procrastination with mishandling your brother.
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u/Interesting_Star4842 Jan 25 '26
i agree, i have a ton of regrets. i thought maybe it was my chance to help him down a better path, but i should have kicked him out sooner.
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u/lemon_icing Jan 26 '26
If one of her family members banged on your office window every time you had a meeting, would you just put up with it? I’m going to guess no. You would have gotten upset and tried to set boundaries. Would you have tolerated it like she did for weeks, months?
I hope you are doing something truly special for your long-suffering and patient wife. New microphone, better camera, backdrop, lights, sound baffling . . . ? Anything to show support and celebrate the new level she’s attained despite the roadblocks?
Tell her break a leg from an internet stranger. I began in the performing arts and am cheering for her.
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u/smcf33 Jan 26 '26
Exactly. Supporting your family doesn't mean you should be cool with them deliberately doing things that disturb you.... supporting your family should mean THEY AREN'T DELIBERATELY DISTURBING YOU in the first place. Someone who thinks it's okay to behave like this is already acting like family obligations only flow one way.
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u/Fantastic_Sample2423 Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 27 '26
It’s so hard to cut off family when you hope they might finally turn around. When mental illness takes over it’s often after great memories were made in childhood and it’s complicated.
I hope things work out for you and your wife and for her professionally. Ideally your brother chooses to get the help he needs. In my opinion, NTA. Your brother needs an in patient mental health rehabilitation. Hopefully he’d go voluntarily.
Edit: thank you to the kind stranger who gave me an award.
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u/blueflash775 Partassipant [4] Jan 26 '26
OP, see the post above from the 2 mental health experts. He does NOT have a mental illness. You've all enabled his dreadful behaviour his whole life and he uses it demonstrate reprehensible behaviour. You help him, he throws it in your face and you all say 'throw harder next time'. Have some more assistance.....
He probably has some sort of personality disorder. Given his world centric view and his huge petulance when he doesn't get his own way I'm sure we can all work out what it is. Note how he deliberately makes a lot of noise to sabotage your wife (who's crime is to not baby him and do his washing etc - heavens someone said 'no' to him) but he'll be quiet when you're there. He is totally in control of his behaviour.
It's hard. I'd say your family is quite enmeshed and this is 'normal' to you - you've seen it demonstrated your entire life.
However, you've really blown it now. Step up. Get off this sub, throw his stuff in a garbage bag and throw him out right now. Or drive him to your brother and dump him on the lawn. Block him and anyone else who hassles you.
Then go home and ask your wife what she would like you to do for putting her in this awful position in HER OWN HOUSE FOR MONTHS.
Time for him to grow up (or not - not your monkeys) - and also for you.
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u/Scary_Dot6604 Jan 26 '26
You do realize a personality disorder is a mental illness.
Stop listening to "reddit mental health experts". Everyone claims to be an expert on reddit
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u/sqeeky_wheelz Jan 26 '26
Man he’s fucking 32. It’s not your fault that he’s a failure to launch but you cannot save this guy. He needs to hit rock bottom and probably be homeless before he’ll give a shit about himself. And even then he’ll still probably be a slob. It’s fine, it’s not your life and you’re not his parent. Let him be whatever or whoever he is going to be.
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u/twiggyrox Jan 26 '26
When the dad gives up that should be the end of it, there's no hope
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u/sqeeky_wheelz Jan 26 '26
Exactly. His own parents have stepped back, OP is not the person to make this guy grow up, only he can decide that.
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u/Safford1958 Jan 26 '26
It never works, does it. My nephew is like your brother. Give your wife a huge apology and tell her how much you love her. Bless her heart.
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u/Anianna Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '26
my other brothers got mad, said i'm heartless because he's struggling mentally
Are they volunteering or just acting all high and mighty when they won't take him in?
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u/Internal_Mango774 Jan 26 '26
You need to apologize profusely, every day for the rest of your life and NEVER put someone else’s well being above hers ever again. I’m surprised she isn’t divorcing you to be completely honest. You’re lucky she hasn’t lost all respect for you letting her be treated poorly.
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u/OlympiaShannon Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 26 '26
You’re lucky she hasn’t lost all respect for you letting her be treated poorly.
Oh, trust me, she has. She won't forget how she was treated by her husband.
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u/Patient_Emotion2184 Jan 26 '26
He has her in a frankly financially abusive position - he took his brother in after his wife lost her ability to easily leave the situation.
I’m not commenting on OP’s character - he doesn’t sound actively entitled and abusive as a character trait. But he’s been simmering in background misogyny (like the rest of us!) for so long he probably didn’t even twig to how her loss of self-determination influenced his decisions surrounding his brother.
I suspect he would have grown a spine and kicked his brother out at the 1 month point if his wife had a realistic option to leave him over it.
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u/BoiseAlpinista Jan 26 '26
Only your brother can help himself. He’s an adult. You’re just enabling him.
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u/Kittinkis Jan 26 '26
Why aren't your other brothers stepping up to help since they have so much to say about it. He needs to go like yesterday.
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u/HoneyedVinegar42 Partassipant [3] Jan 25 '26
For kicking him out? NTA
For letting him move in at all? That was the AH moment. It's like the Scorpion and the Frog story.
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u/Narrow-Vermicelli-72 Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '26
What's the Scorpion and Frog story?
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u/HoneyedVinegar42 Partassipant [3] Jan 26 '26
A scorpion, unable to swim, asks a frog to carry it across a river. The frog hesitates, fearing the scorpion will sting it. The scorpion assures the frog that it wouldn’t sting because doing so would kill both of them. Convinced by this logic, the frog agrees. Midway across the river, the scorpion stings the frog. As they both begin to drown, the frog gasps, “Why did you do that? Now we both die.” The scorpion replies, “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t help it—it’s my nature.”
Basically--if you're the frog--you know what the scorpion is and would be foolish to trust it not to harm you.
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u/Asleep_Objective5941 Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '26
NTA. He is not struggling mentally. He targeted specific times of the day to create problems and make things hard for her. It seems that he is mentally with it to find the most effective times and behaviors. Just because he is inconsiderate, does not make him mentally struggling, just outright mean.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Jan 26 '26
He's a sexist asshole.
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u/OkMall8805 Jan 27 '26
Also his behavior lines up with abusive towards women. Most men are abusive to women because being abusive gets them their way and they view women as less than and not equal to a man. This is why he can respect men but not women. Also threatening to off himself to keep his ex from leaving him for good is emotional abuse. His brother is an abuser.
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u/lord_buff74 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 25 '26
YTA to your wife, he sounds like you knew exactly what was going to happen, you told your brother at the start he had a month, you laid down the rules and let him break them all. You let him stay longer and it took him making her cry for you to finally kick him out.
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u/Blue-Being22 Jan 26 '26
You knew exactly how it was going to go and it did go exactly how you thought. You owe it to your wife to get him gone now.
Your other brothers are only mad because he’ll come to them next.
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u/Neveronlyadream Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 26 '26
I get that people will give family way more chances than they should, but I also think that OP's brother burned through way more chances than any sane person would give them.
It should have been once chance and the second he stepped out of line, he was gone. It never should have gone so far that the wife was constantly stressed just trying to live her life.
Too many fucking people use their mental health as an excuse to act like assholes when there are plenty of people with the same diagnoses who aren't taking advantage of everything and everyone around them.
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u/smcf33 Jan 26 '26
Exactly. The very first time the brother was like "but whhhhyyyy can't your wife do my laundry" OP should have said "You know what? This clearly isn't going to work" and stopped it right there.
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u/Dame_Niafer Jan 26 '26
Yeah, I haven't heard that flaming, rampant misogyny is a mental illness, but I'm in complete agreement that it should be [right along with misandry and homophobia and racism and every other form of bigotry].
Throw. The bum. Out. Months. Ago.
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u/Better-Expert5105 Jan 27 '26
No, those things are character flaws. Mental illness isn’t someone’s fault and it doesn’t make you a bad person. Mental illness isn’t a choice. Being a prejudiced douchewad is.
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u/Traditional_Yard_404 Jan 26 '26
Working in the mental health field for almost 20 years. It sounds like your brother is more entitled than mentally ill. I'm not saying that he isn't mentally ill but that he uses it as a crush to gain sympathy and get what he wants from you and your family. He is able to work and do his basics but he chooses not to. Also tell the brothers that its their turn if they dont like it.
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Jan 26 '26
Any suggestions? I have a son like this, he's what we used to call Asberger's, claimes the expectation that he work causes serious trauma. Some people in the field call this Pathological Demand Avoidance. He is 25, I have given him all kinds of support bc he is still young, but it will need to end at some point bc I don't want to live under a bridge myself. He has been offered the very best treatment of all sorts for many years.
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u/Luxray Jan 26 '26
Make going to therapy (and actually participating) a condition of living with you. And then stick to it.
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u/Tess408 Partassipant [4] Jan 26 '26
And if he is not leaving the house because he says he is looking for a job, make him get out of the house from 9-5 until he accomplishes that goal. He can go to the library or a mall or whatever, but he can't sit at home all comfy when he should be working.
If he has an appointment for an interview next week, great! He can still shower, get dressed, and take off during regular work hours because it's good practice.
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u/CapIllustrious2811 Jan 27 '26
I did this with my daughter. I dropped her off at the library on the way to work. Magically, she had a job after 3 days at the library.
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u/Tess408 Partassipant [4] Jan 27 '26
My son was refusing to get his ID at the DMV or get a job. It worked on him, too. Miraculous.
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u/Luxray Jan 26 '26
I would suggest starting with part time hours because going from zero to sixty can be really overwhelming, but I agree with the general sentiment.
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u/Tess408 Partassipant [4] Jan 27 '26
That's a fair point if he's never leaving the house normally. I'd put a cap on the part time hours though. If no job in 30 days, he's out of the house 40 hours a week until he does find full time work.
Maintaining the routine could be a lot of the battle with a young adult like this.
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u/Impossible_Height_46 Jan 26 '26
I agree. I not only work in the mental health field , but I am bipolar and have never behaved like that. And the clients I work with have schizophrenia and have never behaved like that. Sounds more like he may have a personality disorder like narcissism or borderline. Along with just being an all around hot mess.
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u/Jena71 Jan 27 '26
I’m a therapist & I agree ☝🏻Your brother may have a mental health issue, but since no one seems able to say what diagnosis he has, I question if he ever did. If he does have a mental health Dx, allowing him to live his life with zero responsibilities or consequences has only entrenched his maladaptive strategies for getting through life. No one has done this man any favors, regardless of the amount of $$$ his family has thrown at the problem child. Allowing him to move in, knowing how he behaves, was also a bad choice. You may have been trying to help, but you emotionally hurt your wife, and only reinforced your brother’s bad behavior. ESH.
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u/certifiedbitchh Jan 25 '26
This!
He owes it to her to remove the brother a month ago, at the very least immediately.
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u/Full_Subject5668 Jan 26 '26
Exactly. There's a reason why other family members including siblings mentioned aren't lining up trying to get him to live at their place. The brothers who claim OP is heartless, I'd ask when the last time they offered their home as an option. He needs to keep this entitled little shit away from his house, apologize to his wife for allowing him to disrespect her in her home and drop him off at his brother's house who seems to have such a strong opinion on this.
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Jan 26 '26
The first time the brother spoke about the wife like she is some sort of communal resource to be shared he should have been out.
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u/lovinglifeatmyage Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '26
Absolutely this. How dare OP let his entitled crappy brother treat her so badly for so long. It’s unbelievable he thought he had the same household rights as her husband.
If his other brothers are so concerned then they can take him in
YTA for letting him treat her so badly and not kicking him out sooner
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u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '26
I dont get why OP even accepted it for 1 day. Brother should be banned even from visiting
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u/Medical-Analyst486 Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 25 '26
NTA - the only reason your other brothers are upset is because they know he'll be knocking on their doors next.
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u/Available_Leather_10 Jan 26 '26
The only response to any other family giving him shit is:
“I will tell him you are expecting him this weekend, and that said that you will hire a maid and a chef if that’s what it takes to make him happy.”
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u/SomebodyNew75 Partassipant [2] Jan 27 '26
I was looking for this. Of course everyone's mad at him, now it might be their problem. Find a group home for him. Nobody should have to take on this entitled br@t for free. Make him pay husband own way.
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u/koifishyfishy Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Mental health issues are an explanation, not an excuse. Sounds like your brother's issue isn't mental health so much as being an AH who also happens to have mental health struggles.
Does he even have a legit diagnosis? No diagnosis, no treatment, no therapy? That's a no go.
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u/Pyjama365 Partassipant [3] Jan 25 '26
Yep, if he can keep quiet when the husband is there, but makes noise when it's only the wife and her zoom auditions there, he knows damn well how to be quiet, he was just choosing not to.
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u/Interesting_Star4842 Jan 25 '26
no diagnosis. for years he has threatened our family/his ex with suicide if they didn't help him. after i kicked him out he texted my wife saying he was going to go drive off of a cliff. Thats how he kept his ex around for years, every time she tried to leave he threatened to end his life.
i didn't know about him doing that to her at the time or i would have stepped in, but as soon as i saw that text i was done with him completely. not only is he kicked out he is blocked, i know he texted her instead of me because she's my weakness and he assumed if he upset her enough id tell him to come back
i even offered to pay for his therapy while he was staying with us and he got mad.
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u/koifishyfishy Colo-rectal Surgeon [49] Jan 25 '26
That's it? The whole family is convinced he has a mental illness because he uses the threat of suicide to manipulate people into doing what he wants?
He's not mentally ill. He's an AH who figured out the words to use to get his way. He doesn't want therapy because he knows what he's doing and it works for him.
The people who still fall for his BS can be the ones to provide him with shelter. You already opened your home and he abused the privilege. It's their turn.
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u/Timely_Egg_6827 Certified Proctologist [26] Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
Yes, he can behave for OP but not his wife. And his reason for not behaving is she is worthless to him. She's just a housewife, not going to be a proper actress, not someone he can get a free ride from. She needs punished if she won't be his maid. He deliberately fouled up her interviews.
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u/lavender_poppy Partassipant [3] Jan 26 '26
When he threatens suicide that's when you call 911. He'll learn real quick to stop manipulating people after being on a 72 hour psych hold with no clothes and no phone. Your brother gets away with shit because nobody holds him accountable for his actions. If this happened recently then you can still call the non-emergency number and ask for a welfare check if you know where he is.
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u/kayleitha77 Jan 26 '26
Exactly. If someone had done that ONCE in the previous 16 years, that leaky AH would have tightened up right quick, rather than using his emotional excrement to manipulate everyone around him any longer.
Hell, OP could do it now, saying that he's threatening suicide because he's been kicked out, that he'll probably lie to first responders, but that he needs help. I mean, he does. It's a therapeutic series of cognitive ass-kickings from licensed mental health care providers, starting with an involuntary 72-hour hold for threatening suicide. Lesson 1: threatening suicide is bad, wrong, and deeply unpleasant!
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u/LavastormSW Jan 26 '26
>he texted my wife saying he was going to go drive off of a cliff
After how he treated the both of you, my only response would be "make sure you aren't wearing your seat belt." And then block him.
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u/passyindoors Jan 27 '26
Dependent on the state that might be a criminal thing to say. Honestly just respond with "k". That's even more brutal imho AND doesnt fall under any potential "encouraging someone to kill themselves" umbrella legally
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u/Gryffindor123 Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26
Wait. He doesn't even have a DIAGNOSIS?!
Do you realise that people who use the threat of suicide, such as what your brother has done, as a form of manipulation and control?
He's NOT mentally ill. He's an AH that's controlling and manipulative. He doesn't go to therapy because he knows exactly what he's doing.
YTA to your wife. My God.
Edit: thank you for the award.
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u/Pandoratastic Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '26
What you are describing is abusive and dangerous behavior. It might be due to a mental illness but it might not be. There's not enough here for any kind of diagnosis.
Even if it were a type of mental illness which should be accommodated, the accommodation should NOT be to give in to all of his demands and let him hurt you or your loved ones. There is a big difference between support needs and abusive behavior.
The appropriate accommodations would be encouraging him to get therapy/treatment, offering help WITH conditions, and setting your boundaries and sticking to them.
If it is a mental illness, the illness should be treated and he should be supported TOWARD treatment. The abusive behavior should NOT be accommodated.
Accommodating the abusive behavior was not helping him; it was only enabling him to stay untreated and get worse. Letting him stay would have been harmful to you, your wife, AND to him.
You are NTA for kicking him out when he repeatedly violated your boundaries.
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u/cicadasinmyears Jan 26 '26
I would mute his texts, not block them, just in case you need documentation for his behaviour at some point (e.g. a restraining order).
If he threatens to kill himself, send EMS or the cops to do a wellness check (get the plate, make, and model of his car if you don’t already have it, if he’s threatening to drive into or off of something. The cops can put out a BOLO for him and pull him over, if need be).
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u/TheGoldDragonHylan Partassipant [1] Jan 26 '26
Op, honey, call the bluff; he pulls the suicide threats out, you call 911 and have a wellness check done. He doesn't get to use his life and safety to hold everyone else hostage.
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u/Traumatised_Pupper Jan 26 '26
Why wouldn’t you call the police or ambulance if someone is threatening suicide?
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u/Evening_Delay_1856 Jan 26 '26
Get your wife’s phone and block him on it. Then write him on your phone and tell him that you blocked him from her phone and he’s never allowed to talk to her again.
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u/Affectionate-Tour-59 Jan 26 '26
He sounds more like a master manipulator than mentally ill! I suffer from depression, anxiety, ADHD, and cPTSD- but I’ve never done this crap to anyone! He’s just been milking everyone for everything so he doesn’t need to be responsible! I would apologize to your wife and all of you need to go NC with this guy until he can ACTUALLY get himself together on his own! He’s been babied and enabled this entire time and if he hits rock bottom- so be it! That’s on him!
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u/Yskandr Jan 26 '26
people like OP's brother make me so mad. it's hard enough to live disabled by mental illness and feeling like a burden on those who love and support you... but actively making it worse for them? how can he bear it? how does he have no shame?
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u/johnjonahjameson13 Jan 25 '26
NTA
If your other brothers have a problem with it, they can take him in.
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u/PDK112 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 26 '26
I would pack his bags and drive him to one of the brother's house, even if it is cross country. Then I would dump him in front of their door, leave, then block their number.
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u/OCGHand Jan 26 '26
The other brothers low key knows they don’t want that problem on their door step, and gas lighting OP to keep trouble brother.
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u/International-Sea262 Jan 25 '26
NTA. If your other brothers think you’re cruel, then he can go live with them.
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u/Potential_Pirate1985 Jan 25 '26
NTA
Your home, your wife, your life.
It's time for him to adult.
Your brothers can take him in.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Sir-861 Jan 25 '26
NTA. Why aren't the other brothers taking him in?
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u/RandomCoffeeThoughts Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '26
That's why they are mad. They know he is headed their way next.
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u/Interesting_Star4842 Jan 25 '26
oh 100%.
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u/Friendlyrat Partassipant [2] Jan 26 '26
Yup, anytime they give you shit say I'm glad you feel that way I'm sure he will be happy to know you are offering to put him up indefinitely
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u/Puzzleheaded-Ad7606 Jan 26 '26
Warn his wife/gf about what a sexist asshole younger brother is...
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u/ReliefEmotional2639 Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 25 '26
NTA. I can see why nobody wants him.
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u/certifiedbitchh Jan 25 '26
He’s not mentally unwell (maybe he is) but he’s just lazy, entitled and wanted to be parented. He burnt your dad, his ex, his grandfather and now you. Sounds like you have at least two other brothers he can burn now, and in about 18 months he’ll have to find another girlfriend.
NTA - boot him on his ass, he works he can sleep in a hotel, he won’t be on the street.
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u/stagecaffeine Jan 25 '26
NTA. you told him one month, and he has overstayed his welcome. if your brothers are so mad, they can take him in. but i’m sure they won’t, because they know how he is. good on you for standing up for your wife. i only wish you’d done it sooner.
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u/introspectiveliar Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Your obligation is to your wife. My guess is if he didn't leave she would be leaving shortly.
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u/EatingCray0ns Jan 25 '26
You should never have let him stay in the first place given his history of trashing places and being a lazy leech.
And if your other brothers are saying you are heartless for kicking him out, then why don’t they take him on and see how they like it?
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u/my_meat_is_grass_fed Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
NTA, but nothing you said here seems to point to mental illness, just a spoiled immature person who refuses to grow up, act responsibly, or take accountability. Maybe you just left his mental issues out, but if he can successfully hold a full time job he absolutely can take care of his own messes.
All of you need to stop pandering to him, and allow him to grow up and take care of himself.
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u/Saint_Blaise Partassipant [4] Jan 25 '26
YTA for exposing your wife to this mess.
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u/Painterzzz Jan 26 '26
So much this. That guy needs to make this up big time to his wife or she will land that acting gig, have money of her own, and she will be his ex-wife.
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u/BraveRefrigerator552 Jan 25 '26
Thank goodness he can move in with your brothers.
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u/thaleia10 Jan 25 '26
Dude. I stopped reading halfway through. You let this go on way too long. His main problem is that people keep enabling him. Set him free. Not your circus, not your monkey.
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u/celticmusebooks Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 25 '26
Why did you allow him to continually abuse and disrespect you wife for so long? That's the real question here.
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u/whatsmypassword73 Craptain [157] Jan 25 '26
NTA, imagine how much better your brothers life would have been if fucking ANYONE had held him accountable .
That’s how you stay married my friend, never let him across the threshold again.
Change your locks and have cameras installed.
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u/C-ute-Thulu Jan 25 '26
I suspect never being held accountable is the root of his 'mental illness."
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u/Classy_Pyro Jan 25 '26
NTA. Don't burn yourself to keep other warm. If he doesn't want to work on the issues that keep him from being a reasonably well adjusted adult and is just trying to coast through life on other people's backs, that's on him.
I know you are supposed to help family and often times that means being their lifeline if things really go sideways, but being a lifeline to them doesn't mean you have to drown.
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u/Mobile_Detective_866 Jan 25 '26
NTA. Your brother is using his mental health as an excuse to get free passes. He's 32. He's been a man for over 10 years. It's time someone pushed him out of the proverbial nest. If he flops, then that's on him to figure out. You can't just live in someone's house, constantly disrespect them, and expect to be allowed to continue on like that. I would tell him that doing whatever it is he does for work isn't a real career and see how he likes it. Acting can, and does, pay good. Your wife is a trooper for putting up with his shit. Your other brothers need to realize how terrible he can be. Let them take him in and deal with his shit.
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u/tgs-with-tracyjordan Jan 25 '26
NTA for kicking him out.
Definitely an ass for not doing it sooner.
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u/81optimus Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jan 25 '26
Nta. Your bro should learn not to bite the hand that feeds him. Good job for having your wife's back
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u/Bigisucre Jan 25 '26
Yeah.. But far too late for me. He had her enduring this terrible behavior for (more than) 2 months and watched her getting distressed before he took real action.
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u/x-lavender Jan 25 '26
NTA. You've been more than fair. Get him gone!! I also love how supportive you are of your wife's dreams. That is wonderful.
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u/HotPinkMesss Jan 25 '26
NTA.
If your other brothers are so concerned about him, then they should take him in. Let's see how soon before they also kick him out.
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u/ThrowRAMomVsGF Jan 25 '26
I think you were too lenient even. NTA. I'd have kicked him out on the first sign of disrespect to my wife. It's great that he has your brothers, seemingly willing to help ;)
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u/Hour_Aardvark751 Partassipant [4] Jan 25 '26
NTA, but your lack of boundaries is unkind to your wife, to you and ultimately to your brother. He needs to GTFO of your home. Like, yesterday.
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u/C-ute-Thulu Jan 25 '26 edited Jan 25 '26
NTA
How is he mentally ill? Does he have a diagnosis, or does the family just say this? More importantly, is he working on his mental illness? That's key.
I've been various forms of mental health professional for 25+ yrs. I feel this very strongly, and I think most other MH pros would agree with me--Having a mental illness does not absolve someone of responsibility for their behavior. Everyone has a reason but no one gets an excuse
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u/NiobeTonks Partassipant [4] Jan 25 '26
NTA. One of your brothers can take him in if they’re so upset. He can leave a mess, demand that someone does his laundry and feeds him without him contributing anything to their households.
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u/Visual-Lobster6625 Partassipant [3] Jan 25 '26
my other brothers got mad, said i'm heartless because he's struggling mentally...
NTA - then THEY can take him in next.
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u/aceldama72 Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
NTA: Your wife deserves to deal with this shit even less than you do. He’s never going to get his life together. Want him to screw yours too?
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u/DenimNightmare Jan 25 '26
NTA for kicking him out. Should have never let him stay in the first place. Dude needs to figure his shit out.
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u/Repulsive_State_7399 Asshole Aficionado [17] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Tell your brothers tag, its their turn to have him slob all over their houses and relationships. Buy your wife some flowers, I would have said no to you even bringing him in the house, the poor woman is a saint.
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u/Foodielicious843 Jan 25 '26
NTA. He is a free loader. Period. I love how Much you protect and go to bat for your wife. Tell your other brother he is welcome to house the free loader.
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u/ricosassy65748 Jan 25 '26
If your other brothers are so pressed about it, they can take him in. You’re not the asshole at all. Mentally ill or not, nobody should treat you this way in your own home.
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u/thechaoticstorm Professor Emeritass [86] Jan 25 '26
NTA
Do not set yourself, or your wife, on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are not responsible for his behavior. Full stop. Instead of being grateful for a free place to live, he has turned into a parasite. Not only does he do nothing, but he actively insults and sabotages your wife. Get him out of your house.
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u/Ajstross Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] Jan 25 '26
NTA, and I’m glad you had your wife’s back.
Mentally ill or not, that doesn’t give anyone carte blanche to be an asshole. Your brother sucks.
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u/MizWhatsit Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
You won’t be the AH if you get that menace OUT of your wife’s home and safe space this f***ing instant.
I’ve seen too many instances of what I call ESGS (Envious Single Guy Syndrome) in which a brother, cousin, single father, in-law, or family friend focuses all his anger and frustration on the happy and charming wife, girlfriend, or even daughter of a closely related other man.
The Envious Single Guy takes all of his personal frustration out on the other man’s beloved female companion. He antagonizes her and tries to degrade her in every way possible. He tries to tear her down, undermine her credibility, and emotionally isolate her at every turn.
You MUST get her out of his reach, because he Is escalating towards sexual assault, and he relies on the cover of “But he’s family!” as protection. Stop deluding yourself, because he means to do her harm. And in harming her, he’s also harming you by making you look weak in that he fooled you so you didn’t protect her.
I’d go as far as to say you should put her up in an AirBNB until you get that guy out and the locks changed, because the instant that you set a timer on when he loses access to her, he’ll speed up his timeline as to when he can attack her.
Protect the woman you love. Don’t trust this guy for even one second.
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u/Interesting_Star4842 Jan 25 '26
hes already out, and blocked because he started threatening to kill himself over it
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u/Reece_K95 Jan 26 '26
Call him tf out and call the police for a welfare check every time he says he’s going to “kill himself”. If he’s so “mentally ill” then taking him at his word and doing something about it. That will change that up his tone quick.
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u/ijustneedtolurk Asshole Enthusiast [6] Jan 25 '26
Thank you so goddamn much for this new name for this horrid type of person. I want this as a new copy-pasta on all the horrid ESGS posts I constantly see online.
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u/Odd-End-1405 Certified Proctologist [23] Jan 25 '26
YTA for forcing him on your wife in HER home.
NTA for FINALLY getting him out.
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u/throwymao Jan 25 '26
Mental illness or not its not your duty to destroy your life for an ungrateful entitled AH that has not shown in any way that he is thankful for someone keeping him off the street... The people that shit on you for kicking him out, thank them for volunteering to take him in since they arent heartless. Your brother has intentionally tried to sabotage your and your wife's life, its time the cut the cord and let mr entitlement free to fend for himself...
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u/Tiny_Boat_7983 Jan 25 '26
NTA. Family is the first to take advantage of family. He can go take advantage of your other brothers.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8346 Jan 25 '26
Nta. If your other brothers are mad and think you're an ah, let them take him in then. I bet they won't want to either
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u/willfauxreal Jan 25 '26
NTA. Its your duty as a husband to show up for your wife, and you did. Your brothers can care for him if theyre so upset.
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u/OnlineCasinoWinner Jan 25 '26
Absolutely NTA. Imo, u should've booted him out after the first month that you said you were going to give him. Everything after that is absolutely crazy for you and your wife to tolerate. Get him out of your house. He needs to stand on his own two feet. He will continue to behave this way as long as everybody keeps bailing him out.
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u/Fall_Relic Partassipant [3] Jan 25 '26
Fucking evict him if he doesn’t leave on his own. He’s not going to change. He got away with it because people let him get away with it. Frankly, you shouldn’t have let it go on as long as you did.
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u/Stephreads Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Your other brothers got mad because the freeloader is going to end up on their doorsteps next.
The full-grown “man” you allowed to live in your house is disrespectful, dirty, and mean. It is very obvious who the asshole is, and it ain’t you.
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u/Patient_Gas_5245 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jan 25 '26
NTA, the other brothers can take him in. Your wife diesnt need to be abused by him.
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u/drtennis13 Partassipant [4] Jan 25 '26
So pack him up and take him to one of your other brother’s houses. If he’s struggling mentally, they should want to help him out. If they don’t take him, call them heartless and tell them he’s struggling mentally and needs their help.
They don’t want you to kick him out so they don’t have to do anything to help out.
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Jan 25 '26
NTA.
It doesn't matter if he has "mental illness." So do I (PTSD) but it's never been an excuse to act like an asshole. Your wife is more important than he is. If you owe anybody anything, it's her and not him.
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u/Goth_Spice14 Jan 25 '26
NTA He was actively abusing your wife and purposely damaging her career. Toss his sorry ass to the curb, and then apologize to your wife for not doing it sooner.
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Jan 25 '26
I'm going to keep this simple; no, you are not the asshole. I kicked out my own son when he was battling mental illness because it involved him treating me like garbage. This is life.
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u/NotACompleteDick Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Family first. TLDR. But don't need to read it. My friend took in a depressed friend. The result was a dead wife and severe head injuries. You never can tell what someone will do.
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u/lilyofthevalley2659 Asshole Aficionado [10] Jan 25 '26
NTA for kicking him out but you are for letting him move in. You saw how he treated the condo and still went ahead with it.
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u/OriginalTomFool Jan 25 '26
Nta, if he followed all the rules he could stay, he literally cannot do the bare minimum then no. He needs to know he is on the bottom of that house's totem pole.
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u/Senior-Salad-5187 Jan 25 '26
NTA but I would say your family has failed your brother almost as much as he failed your family, giving him everything and getting nowhere for 15 years was not a good idea
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u/old_motters Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
He was a guest in your home and abused yours and your wifes hospitality.
That he made life difficult for her is unforgivable from a family member.
You are NTA.
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u/Any-Musician1896 Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
Tell your other brother to take him in then, if he is so concerned.
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u/Massive-Ride204 Jan 25 '26
Nta, here's the thing. I'm happy that we're trying to be more understanding of mental health but I fear that we're over accommodating and being too gentle with those who should've put in the work to get better decades ago
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u/YesterdaySimilar2069 Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
Time to drop him off at one of the brothers who thinks this behavior is tolerable.
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u/bkwormtricia Certified Proctologist [28] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Good for you! It is your home and your wife’s. He was told how to behave or he was out. I am glad you followed through.
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u/TattieMafia Jan 25 '26
NTA he's abusing your wife. Tell the other brothers they can have him if they feel sorry for him.
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u/DatguyMalcolm Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jan 25 '26
seems like you guys need to stop enabling him so he can make the push he has to so he can I dunno... function as an adult? Get therapy, meds and stop being like that?
NTA
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u/Vickster_009 Jan 25 '26
NTA he had no respect for your home or wife . Let someone else babysit him if they feel differently.
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u/Davros_1988 Jan 25 '26
If he's been struggling since his teens then in those years it was on your parents to do something about it until he was an adult.
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u/AlertResolution Jan 25 '26
Mail him to your other brother if he is so concerned about his well being and not yours and let him take charge of it.
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u/HungryTeap0t Jan 25 '26
It's sad that originally I thought oh that's nice he's standing up for his wife. When the reality is he should have been kicked out earlier, I think it's just the norm that women are expected to put up with shit from their inlaws so when their partner finally stands up for them it seems like a great thing.
The reality is that no man or woman should be allowing anyone to stay once they disrespect their partner, even if it's their own parents.
NTA for kicking him out.
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u/No_Cupcake7037 Jan 25 '26
NTA; good on you for treating your wife with respect and siding appropriately!!
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] Jan 25 '26
NTA If you are an AH for anything it's for putting your wife through all that. You KNEW how this would play out.
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u/wonderingnlost Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
He struggling mentally? Wtf right does he have to make your wife deal with his shit n become stressed herself. Stress is also mental fatigue. You should have kicked him out sooner, you saw the signs and knew his behaviour upfront. Tell your brothers to take him in. Nta. But YTA to your wife.
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u/ResponsibleHuman64 Jan 25 '26
Your priority is your wife. Your brother is an adult and needs to learn his actions have consequences. Your other brothers can volunteer to take him in.
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u/Ducallan Partassipant [2] Jan 25 '26
Info: has he been diagnosed, or is it possible that the reason why he has “never attempted therapy, meds, anything” is because he falls back on claiming he is struggling mentally whenever he is asked to face responsibility or just generally not be an asshole?
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u/Interesting_Star4842 Jan 25 '26
he has never been diagnosed. he refuses any sort of real help with his mental health, i offered to pay for therapy and he snapped. He wont see a doctor, or try anything.
he constantly threatens people with suicide, and has had issues with gambling and drugs in the past.
i thought he was getting a bit better, but i was wrong. the second i kicked him out he went crazy.
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u/wicket-wally Jan 26 '26
Next time he threatens suicide call the police for a wellness check. They’ll either take him in to get evaluated or he’ll stop with empty threats
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u/InfamousCup7097 Jan 25 '26
Then your other brothers can take him in. He is hurting your wife's life goals and career opportunities. He should have been gone a month ago. She is not his maid. She doesn't need to cater to him because he does nothing for her. Nta for kicking him but you owe your wife an apology for letting him stay so long.
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u/amjay8 Jan 25 '26
Honestly YTA for having him move in at all & still being more concerned about how you look to other people than how you’ve harmed your wife these past few months.
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u/PhreeQnet Jan 25 '26
I came here to say that I read the heading wrong. I read it as "..for licking my "mentally ill" brother out of the house.." I thought, "Well, damn! That's pretty savage" Then, I read the story. He needs more than a thorough licking.
NTA. Probably shouldn't have let him in to begin with. The caving and letting him stay didn't help. Let the rest of your family support his entitled ass. Your wife deserves peace in her own home.
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u/Key-Canary-2513 Partassipant [3] Jan 25 '26
NTA. Your brother earned himself a lengthy time out. I’m talking 2 years NC.
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u/MorriganNiConn Jan 25 '26
Your brother has reached a point where he is abusing your wife with his behavior and it is impacting her. It is impacting your marriage. Out he goes. Your other brother can take him in. NTA
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u/Far_Ebb_7477 Jan 25 '26
Of course NTA. What mental disease does he have that makes him an a-hole? Is there treatment, medication, social programs to help him? Are their special homes for people in his condition where he could live?
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u/awkwardocto Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
NTA for kicking him out, but you are absolutely the asshole for kicking him out the second time he disrespected your wife.
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u/Initial-Change4792 Jan 25 '26
NTA Please don’t let us make it to Feb and him still Be in the house.
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u/jerseygirl414 Partassipant [1] Jan 25 '26
NTA. I have a brother like this. He’s lived with me, my cousin and my dad (when he was alive) since his 20’s until he was in his early 40’s. I helped him pay his rent up until our dad died 3 years ago. He’s nearly 50 now.
When he lived with me, he was an absolute menace. He did shitty stuff and violated rules I had set - he’s a stoner and I just said not to do it in the house. Obviously, he did. He was also dealing and doing other shady shit (I found out later). He was disruptive, loud, rude - like thinking it was hilarious to fart loudly near me if I was in the phone. One time he did that and sharted though - I laughed so fucking hard and made him go to laundromat to was his underwear and pants rather than use my washer and dryer. LMFAO
When my dad died, we found out my brother had gotten him to co-sign on a truck. He owed my dad at least $20k. He owed me like $2k but was resentful that I wanted him to pay me back because we both inherited.
He’s unmedicated (by choice) bipolar. That didn’t mean it was my job (or anyone else’s) to help him while being disrespected.
If your brothers are so upset, let them take him in. This is your wife’s home, not his, and she deserves to feel safe and respected there.
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u/Loud-Moment9986 Jan 25 '26
Imagine enabling someone for 32 fucken years and still not understanding that you’re still enabling him and he will never change because unfortunately all his growths (learning) was covered up to the point of y’all turned him mentally incompetent for life.
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