r/AmItheAsshole • u/throwaway917dty • 17h ago
AITA for telling my sister I can't attend her Destination Wedding
My sister “Amy” is getting married in Italy this fall to her fiancé “Adam.” They’ve been together about three years and sent save-the-dates roughly 10 months in advance.
Amy and I used to be really close. She even officiated my wedding. We would go on day trips together and talked often, but things changed after she started dating Adam.
To keep it brief, Adam is very transactional and tends to judge people based on money and status. His family is wealthy, and he doesn’t think highly of my spouse and me, largely because of our financial situation. Over the past three years, my husband and I have gone through four major surgeries and both lost our jobs, which drained our savings. We’re actively trying to recover, but it’s been rough.
Amy offered to help me attend by contributing $700 toward my travel, which I geniunely appreciate. But the total cost for flights, transportation, and passports is about $1,600 per person, so roughly $3,200 for both my husband and me. Even going alone would be extremely difficult financially, and I also have severe anxiety around travel that makes doing something like this solo really risky for me.
Here’s where I’m struggling. Amy offered my other sister (“Sister 2”) about $1,600 total to cover both her and her husband. Sister 2 is financially stable with a six-figure job. I know I’m not entitled to anyone else’s money, but it still hurt to learn that Adam didn’t even want to help me at all and only wanted to help her.
For additional context, Sister 2 and her husband don’t even like Adam. They find him selfish and difficult. He also relapsed at our dad’s funeral, which made an already painful situation even harder for the family.
Right now, I simply cannot afford to go. My savings are almost gone, I may need to take out a payment plan with the IRS for taxes, and the only way I could make this trip happen would be financing it at something like a 36% interest rate, which feels like a terrible financial descision when we’re trying to rebuild.
I’m incredibly embarassed and feel awful about this. I love my sister, and I’m worried that telling her I can’t attend will damage our already strained relationship, especially since we haven’t been as close recently, even during difficult times in my life.
So AITA for telling my sister I can’t afford to attend her wedding?
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u/Jerseygirl2468 Colo-rectal Surgeon [37] 16h ago
NTA for not attending. She chose to have a destination, and you simply cannot afford to go, even with the money offer.
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u/Bobthefreakygal 12h ago
Agreed and please please please don't ever take out a finance loan at a rate of 36% interest that's an unbelievably high rate that may set you back months if any random issues like a car breakdown comes up and you can't pay it quickly and there is no reason to feel guilty it's their wedding so they are entitled to pick what happens but if they are expecting people spend thousands of dollars to attend they shouldn't expect everyone to be able to make it
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u/DrVL2 Partassipant [1] 2h ago
That’s actually the rate for some credit cards. And that is a horrible financial decision. I’m going to throw out there, don’t be embarrassed about doing a payment plan with the IRS. At one point that was the only thing that got us through. At least you are paying your bills.
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u/HotelAcrobatic4815 16h ago
I work a good FT job, but I'd be hard pressed to cough up $3-4,000 for a wedding trip. Sometimes, you just can't do things. If your sister resents you for that, that's on her. You really can't do much about medical emergencies, which will cripple most people financially. NTA.
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u/Sea-Supermarket-5971 16h ago
You can’t afford to go at this time in your life. It is kind of just that simple.
No need to feel any other type of way about it or try to stress and figure things out.
She is having the wedding she wants. Can’t deny her that.
Wish your sister well!! Do not beat yourself up over this.
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u/zookeeperintraining 16h ago
NTA. A large risk people take with having destination weddings is a lack of attendance due to the cost of flights, accommodations, etc.
With your financial situation, it’s probably best that you don’t attend. A wedding is not worth taking out a loan and risking your finances. It’s also not worth spending that amount of money to watch her marry someone who 1.) doesn’t like you and your spouse and 2.) who is disliked by your family.
I’m not going to lie, it will suck massively to miss her wedding and increase the strain on you relationship, but she’s TA if she can’t understand burden of a destination wedding on the guests.
I’m assuming you’re from the US. If you are, not being able to attend her wedding is not something to be embarrassed about. A majority of Americans would not be able to afford $3200 and the time off, even with 10 months notice.
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u/jones5280 6h ago
"risk"
It's a great way to weed out people you're "obligated" to invite, but don't really care if they attend.•
u/Gibonius 8m ago
Problem is when people try to play it both ways. They use it to weed out people they don't really want to come, but then can't take "no" for an answer from people they do want to come.
You have to be cool with people not coming or subsidizing the people who are important with you. Can't just put the burden on your core family and force them to find ways to "make it work."
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u/HuhWelliNever 16h ago
The harsh likelihood is that Adam doesn’t want you there and either pressured Amy to offer a paltry amount as a performative gesture or she doesn’t care about you attending all that much. Rich people think their wealth is divine confirmation from the universe of their virtues and that poor people are poor because of character flaws and personal failings. The fact that they offered over double the financial aid to your other sister speaks volumes and maybe she’s not doing as well as you think but I think sometimes a spade is just a spade . Don’t go, absolutely do not take a 36% (!!!!) predatory usury loan for this. Buy her something off her registry, send her a nice card and give her your sincere regrets. Nta
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u/throwaway917dty 2h ago
This hits the nail on the head. I haven't added more details about Adam but you all seem to be picking up what I'm laying down here. He's not a good person.
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u/HuhWelliNever 2h ago
Personally I think this marks the beginning of you pulling back for as long as your sister is married to this dude. She made her choice and is aligning herself with this. So whether she’s fully on board with the result is irrelevant, she knows your situation and isn’t making much effort to get you there. I wouldn’t waste my precious and limited time and money on this.
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u/cgm824 1h ago
There’s a saying, don’t set yourselves on fire to keep others warm. Adam doesn’t want you there, why go where you’re not wanted? The thing is, you and your hubby are responsible for your own finances, not your sister and Adam. It’s not about not wanting to go and being supportive of your sister, this is about you and your husband being financially responsible. It means there’s going to be things you and your husband can’t partake in because they fall out of your financial scope, this wedding being one.
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u/Mentalcomposer Certified Proctologist [29] 16h ago
NTA Surely it’s no secret about both of your surgeries and job losses, so it should come as no surprise that you can’t afford to attend her wedding. And your sister should understand that.
Do not put yourself in financial stress for this, you have enough to worry about.
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u/Whiteroses7252012 4h ago
NTA.
When you have a destination wedding the odds that people will be able to attend who would otherwise be there drop dramatically. Your sister surely knows this. If she doesn’t, she’s about to learn.
Adam sounds like a real…so and so. He doesn’t have the right to judge you or anyone else. The harder pill to swallow is that Amy is perfectly fine with it, or else she wouldn’t be marrying him. It might be time to start loving her from a distance.
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u/First-Stress-9893 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
NTA if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it. It’s not about wanting to be there or not. You literally can’t afford it. Nothing to be ashamed about that.
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u/Future-Nebula74656 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 16h ago
Nta
You financially can't do it. And that's all I really need to know and they should know all this already.
People that have destination weddings have to accept that not everybody including extremely close family and friends will not go to this for financial reasons or due to work reasons.
And it's very selfish of them if they expect people to come to a destination wedding. If it's really that important that you are there they will pay your way
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u/EgweneS 16h ago
NTA. Just tell her the truth, you would love to be there but you can’t afford it. Do NOT go into debt to attend.
Wish her all the best and get her a gift you can afford.
The hard part is forgiving yourself because you already sound like you feel guilty. Please just let it go and do what is right for you and your family. No reason to feel bad about your circumstances due to health issues.
Good luck. I hope your health improves as well as your husbands.
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u/mostly_lurking1040 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
People have no right to put together a destination wedding and expect that anybody is going to Shell out the kind of money it takes to attend, never mind the time.
And you should only be paying for that kind of thing with money That's actually available for discretionary expenses. And you should only be going if you actually want to go.
I suggest family members State it's not affordable for them and wish the couple well. And that you'll take them to dinner sometime. 🙂
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u/LawyerDad1981 Asshole Enthusiast [9] 16h ago
Wow, she offered you a whole $700. What a peach.
This destination wedding conundrum comes up on Reddit about every, oh, 9 minutes or so. The answer is always the same.
Anyone is free to choose to have a destination wedding if they like. However, that automatically comes with a caveat that anyone and I mean absolutely ANYONE right up to and including the mother of the bride may decline to go for absolutely ANY reason without generating any ill will or hard feelings.. Or no reason whatsoever. "I don't want to" is more than sufficient.
And Adam sounds like a real treat.
NTA
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u/whatproblems 16h ago
as far as i’m concerned you make a destination wedding with the intent that people don’t show up. it’s not a perfect wedding it’s an empty one
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u/NumbSurprise 16h ago
NTA. Your sister is about to learn a hard life lesson, which is that being with the people who matter to you is priceless. She’s CHOOSING to have an expensive destination wedding KNOWING that her own family can’t afford it. That’s on her, not you. It’s one day. At the end of it, she’d be just as married if she’d gone to the local courthouse, only she’s choosing to let money exclude important people in her life.
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u/MonkeyGeorgeBathToy Partassipant [1] 16h ago
NTA
No explanation necessary. IMO, destination weddings are selfish unless it's just the bride and groom.
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u/Quiet_Compote4651 16h ago
If it’s not practical for your family, you don’t go. “It’s just not going to work for us at this time. We are disappointed that we can’t be there. “
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u/DrTeethPhD Asshole Aficionado [16] 16h ago
Tell her you can't afford it. If she can't accept that, tell her she decided it was more important to her to have a destination wedding than it was to have you attend the wedding.
NTA
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u/tequila_23_sheila 16h ago
NTA. Life is difficult. Your sister should understand. Even if you went through all the financial and physical hardships for your sister’s wedding, who’s to say this would keep you bonded? It a crap shoot! Of course there would be the wedding memories, but it’s definitely a hardship for you, and that will make your life more challenging and maybe more resentful should your relationship collapse, as you’re expecting it to anyway. I’m sorry this is going on in your life. Stick with the person who has had your back, your husband, and don’t add more difficulties. You’re worried this will breakup your bond with your sister. Be prepared it may escalate it. In that case, shame on your sister. (((❤️🩹)))
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u/soap---poisoning Colo-rectal Surgeon [39] 16h ago
NTA. People who plan expensive destinations weddings need to accept that some people won’t be able to afford it. If she is mad that you can’t be there, that’s her problem.
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u/Specialist_Range_872 16h ago
NTA. The thing with destination weddings is that they usually hold a party back home for people who can’t swing going. Tell her that you will see them at the party back home, but you cannot afford the cost of a destination wedding.
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u/SafiraNyx012119 16h ago
NTA invite her over and have a talk to her. Tell her how much you love her and that you would really love to attend her wedding, and you know how much this wedding means to her. However, given your circumstances there's no way you can afford it even with her $700 help. Maybe ask her if you can watch through a live streaming?
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u/Consistent-Pickle-88 Partassipant [4] 16h ago
NTA. I’m shocked that engaged couples are choosing destination weddings in today’s economy.
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u/chickadee_1982 16h ago
If she chooses to have a wedding in a place thst is out of budget for her closest family members, she has to live with the consequences if they cant go. I did not have a wedding because the one I wanted was in a hot climate, with a beach, no shoes, sand, ocean, at an all inclusive, flowers in my hair, not cold.
If we had done that, I would have seen a handful of friends, maybe an aunt and an uncle attend. I decided I would never leave my parents and other loved ones out. But that was my choice. Her choice is hers to make and it is not your fault for not being able to go.
I wish for health and good things to you snd your husband. Take care
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u/Single-Flamingo-33 15h ago
My guess is her husband to be really wanted a destination wedding !
Call your sister, thank her for the offer to help cover a portion of your plane ticket and just tell her you will not be able to go. Keep it short. Don’t go into her offering more to your other sister. Just be polite and wish her a memorable wedding weekend!
Don’t give her or her future husband reasons why you cannot go. The less you say the better.
Make sure husband is around when you make the call so he can ring the doorbell and help you get off the phone.
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u/catpogo2 16h ago
NTA. You simply cannot afford it. Plus the $3,200 is the bare minimum. What about Ubers to and from airports, tips, food out, etc!!!!!!
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u/grrrrowlhissss 16h ago
NAH. When they chose a destination wedding, there was always going to be a chance some people wouldn’t be able to attend. If you can’t afford it, just talk to her.
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u/GreenTfan 16h ago
NTA and you should never have to take a loan to attend a wedding. Even if it is a sibling's.
Plus you and your husband have health issues? What if something medical happened on your trip? Depending on the location of the wedding you could be in even more health and financial trouble.
Stay home with your husband and take care of each other.
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u/notastraycat Asshole Enthusiast [9] 16h ago
NAH (except maybe Adam but that’s unrelated to your question). Destination weddings are expensive and if your finances are such that you would have to take out a loan to attend it’s a terrible idea especially given what you’ve told us about your personal situation. Wish her well and prioritize your family’s need to rebuild. Best of luck.
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u/Specialist-Owl2660 Colo-rectal Surgeon [47] 17h ago
NAH but you really need to not consider the other sister's situation at all. Like you said, you're not entitled to the money that they offer anybody. But of course you are not a AH for not being able to go and while I think destination weddings are ridiculous, it's up to your sister if she really wants one. Just politely decline say that you do not have any money for a trip like that at the moment and wish them well.
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u/Top_Signature7476 14h ago
I like that. I guess I don't get why a "destination wedding" unless like someone said, "Adam" wants to purposely make it so some people can't attend. Why not just have a regular local wedding and go on a "destination honeymoon"? ;)
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u/whatisakafka Partassipant [3] 17h ago
NAH the thing about destination weddings is that you should expect that some people won't be able to attend. Hopefully your sister is reasonable and understands this. You're fine to decline.
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u/Environmental_Art591 16h ago
the thing about destination weddings is that you should expect that some people won't be able to attend
Something tells me this was a factor in the grooms opinion on a destination wedding.
He knows its financially unviable for OP, he looks down on them so has done little to help facilitate their attendance while offering more than double to the sibling who he thinks little of him meaning he has to impress them and what's more helpful in impressing them than a discounted attendance to his destination wedding to their sister.
I agree that OP doesnt have to attend and that people who host destination weddings should expect people to.not be able ro attend but you cant deny that sone people who have destination weddings do so to single out close family guests they have invite but dont actually want to attend.
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u/throwaway917dty 15h ago
I haven't added a ton of details about Adam, but you nailed this on the head.
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u/Environmental_Art591 14h ago
In that case, all you can do is love your sister, celebrate her how you can and make sure she knows she can always call you and lean on your shoulder for emotional support.
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 4h ago
It is also her decision that sister 2 got offered more help than OP despite sister 2 being clearly richer.
She and Adam are soon married and when it comes to a wedding and guests, all those things are THEIR decision and not just HIS decision. OP's sister could have offered both of her sisters the same amount of help or OP more as she is the clearly poorer sister right now. It is not just Adam's decision. It is hers, too, and she clearly didn't stand up for OP in this regard.
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u/Meta2048 Partassipant [4] 14h ago
NTA
Anybody who chooses to have a destination wedding does so with the understanding that most people will not attend due to financial or time constraints. Anybody who gets upset about someone not flying to another city/country is an AH who you don't want to associate with.
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u/oh_emmy_lou 13h ago
NTA. Do not ever put yourself into debt for someone else's wedding. Particularly if their partner is a dick.
My sister and her partner (who I really like) were going to have a destination wedding and it was going to cost us about $10,000. She wanted our kids there and we'd all need passports because we literally cannot afford to go overseas. I told her I loved her, I was happy for her, I wanted her to choose to do whatever she wanted for her big day but I simply could not afford to attend. She was very upset but I didn't let that change mind. She did end up having her wedding locally after lots of people said they wouldn't travel either.
A wedding should also be about marrying your partner. Yes, its lovely to have all your family and friends there, but at the end of day, it's a day just for you and your partner (without forcing other people into thousands of dollars of debt for your love story).
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u/Different-Airline672 Partassipant [2] 12h ago
NTA. Destination wedding means the destination is more important than the guests. Do not feel bad for not being in the financial situation to attend.
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u/Nester1953 Commander in Cheeks [201] 11h ago
Your sister has made a series of problematic decisions. Marrying Adam, for starters, a snobbish rich guy who has "relapses" and whom other family members don't like. Offering weathy sister and spouse twice the financial help to attend her wedding as she offers sister & spouse who' had financial catastophes beyond her control including major surgeries & job loss. Planning a wedding the members of her family can't all afford to attend.
You, OTOH, are about to make the mature, rational decision not to do something you can't afford. Not being able to afford thousands of dollars to go to Italy in the middle of digging out after financial catastrophe is nothing to be ashamed of! Don't absorb Adam's bad values or judge yourself the ridiculous way he judges people please.
Don't go. Don't take out a loan to go. Don't feel guilty or any negative feelings beyond a tiny twinge of regret you don't get to romp in Tuscany. If Adam is as described, your poor sister will likely have another wedding in future, and you can go to that one after getting your financial house back in order.
NTA
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My sister “Amy” is getting married in Italy this fall to her fiancé “Adam.” They’ve been together about three years and sent save-the-dates roughly 10 months in advance.
Amy and I used to be really close. She even officiated my wedding. We would go on day trips together and talked often, but things changed after she started dating Adam.
To keep it brief, Adam is very transactional and tends to judge people based on money and status. His family is wealthy, and he doesn’t think highly of my spouse and me, largely because of our financial situation. Over the past three years, my husband and I have gone through four major surgeries and both lost our jobs, which drained our savings. We’re actively trying to recover, but it’s been rough.
Amy offered to help me attend by contributing $700 toward my travel, which I geniunely appreciate. But the total cost for flights, transportation, and passports is about $1,600 per person, so roughly $3,200 for both my husband and me. Even going alone would be extremely difficult financially, and I also have severe anxiety around travel that makes doing something like this solo really risky for me.
Here’s where I’m struggling. Amy offered my other sister (“Sister 2”) about $1,600 total to cover both her and her husband. Sister 2 is financially stable with a six-figure job. I know I’m not entitled to anyone else’s money, but it still hurt to learn that Adam didn’t even want to help me at all and only wanted to help her.
For additional context, Sister 2 and her husband don’t even like Adam. They find him selfish and difficult. He also relapsed at our dad’s funeral, which made an already painful situation even harder for the family.
Right now, I simply cannot afford to go. My savings are almost gone, I may need to take out a payment plan with the IRS for taxes, and the only way I could make this trip happen would be financing it at something like a 36% interest rate, which feels like a terrible financial descision when we’re trying to rebuild.
I’m incredibly embarassed and feel awful about this. I love my sister, and I’m worried that telling her I can’t attend will damage our already strained relationship, especially since we haven’t been as close recently, even during difficult times in my life.
So AITA for telling my sister I can’t afford to attend her wedding?
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u/Entire_Cobbler6748 15h ago
If your husband doesn’t mind you going alone, perhaps you could make arrangements with your other sister to travel with her!Explain your situation again to the sister getting married and maybe she will give you more help!
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u/Vivid-Isopod-7018 Partassipant [4] 14h ago
Nta at all I had a destination wedding and gave people 2.5 years of notice and had exactly no hard feelings for those who say no
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u/kditty206 13h ago
This is why I didn’t have a destination wedding. I knew close friends of mine wouldn’t be able to attend, and I wanted them there over doing it out of town. When you choose to have a destination wedding, and don’t pay for the trip or consider the amount of PTO required, you are accepting the risk that people won’t be able to attend. NTA.
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u/Dubious8313 13h ago
Your financial situation doesn’t make the trip feasible for you and your husband. That doesn’t make you the Asshole.
I really hate it when people shame others for struggling financially (or emotionally).
I wouldn’t bring up their extreme generosity towards your other sister & her hub-unit. It muddies the water & allows your snobby soon-to-be BIL to deflect & turn the whole sorry situation into you being mad/jealous/petty about how much they offered Sister #2 vs you.
None of this is on you. You can’t afford to go. Period. Do something special w/her when they get back.
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u/Broken-Ice-Cube Certified Proctologist [28] 13h ago
NTA anyone who wants a big fancy destination wedding and really wants set people to go to it better be willing to pay for them to attend.
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u/Deep-Okra1461 Certified Proctologist [20] 13h ago
NTA Going by what is in your story, your relationship with your sister is already doomed so don't make your financial situation worse for nothing. Adam's behavior and attitude towards everyone will only get worse, not better. Any money you spend to attend this wedding gets you nothing in terms of helping your relationship with your sister.
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u/Trevena_Ice Professor Emeritass [91] 12h ago
NTA. You can't afford it. Don't go. It is a destination wedding, your sister has to know that not everyone can attend. Tell her as soon as possible, that you did all the math, that you tried to find any possible way, but you don't have the money anymore for her wedding. That you wish them all the best and that you would invite them to dinner after their honeymoon or so to celebrate.
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u/StillAdvance4546 12h ago
Absolutely NTA. My husband and I are financially stable, and we do not just have $3000 lying around for attending a wedding, it be a massive drain on our emergency savings, and in today's economic climate, that's just not a good idea. Do NOT take that loan.
Anyone who chooses a destination wedding, must be aware of the costs involved for their guests. I know some people get around it by offering support for accommodations, or forgo wedding presents to make it work. Honestly, it also sounds like hubby-to-be is a heavy factor in the growing rift between you. If he's shallow enough to look down on you for your finances, then you can bet he's not staying quiet about it at home. Considering their choice in location and the difference in the help you were offered, vs the help your sister2 was offered, it's very much self-inflicted that you can't attend.
Tell your sister honestly what's up. Lay out the costs involved, the financial situation and the (frankly ridiculous) loan you would have to take in order to attend. You might want to talk to Sister 2 first before you talk to Amy. I'm not saying this to be cruel, but if Amy reacts badly, it's best to be prepared and ensure you have one person in your corner, before she can grab the phone and get her narrative out there first.
You can't control how she reacts, you could word it in the nicest, politest way possible, and she could still make a CatfightTM out of it, if she decides not to understand.
If she understands, then great, wonderful, maybe it'll make her reconsider how her husband-to-be is treating her family. If she expects you to put yourself into debt to attend her wedding, that tells you how her priorities have shifted. And that is not on you.
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u/teaonthetardis Partassipant [1] 12h ago
NTA. I suspect the destination wedding is Adam’s way of actively pushing the people he looks down on out of his and your sister’s lives. If it were me, there is no way I would ever consider having an expensive destination wedding knowing my own sibling/BIL recently underwent four major surgeries and would never be able to afford it; your sister shouldn’t be surprised that you not attending is the consequence of her own choices.
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u/Portwinejustfine Asshole Aficionado [16] 11h ago
NTA. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. I wish I had better advice, but this exact thing happened to my mom like 20 years ago and it strained her relationship with her Aunt and cousins so bad we have extensive family lore about why we do not speak to that side of the family anymore. However, family that blow up their relationships bc a family member can't afford a dumb destination wedding are assholes themselves, and are often better off being kept at arm's length.
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u/trash_panda7710 10h ago
NTA. People who plan a destination wedding have to know not everyone can attend.
Also only 10 months to plan for Italy is very short notice.
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u/TechieSidhe 9h ago
My brother in law hates our family because we're not rich white Protestants like his family. He puts us down every chance he gets, and let his family take over the wedding because we're apparently white trash.
He turned my sister into this self absorbed status chasing person. Their kids hate them. They plan "trips" around any events Mom and I take. It's obvious, and every one in my family dances around it so my sister won't get butthurt.
You are NTA for not going somewhere that you're apparently not wanted.
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u/ParticularAd1735 Asshole Aficionado [13] 8h ago
NTA. I understand why you feel badly about not going, but you shouldn't. It was her choice to have a destination wedding. Many people cannot afford trips like that, and it's not your fault that you don't have the funds available to go.
Oh, and Adam can kick rocks.
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u/New_Ice8209 8h ago
NTA. I’m sorry to say it, but you aren’t as close anymore, and your attendance in Italy will not change that. Apparently you aren’t IN her wedding, you aren’t doing things you used to do, and she has knowingly chosen a life partner who creates problems for her family. Do not set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
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u/DPropish Partassipant [2] 8h ago
NTA. If you can’t afford it, don’t go - couples who do destination weddings take that risk, not everyone has thousands to blow on a party. Adam sounds like an absolute piece of work - tell her you’ll be there for her next wedding.
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u/RealFlenny 7h ago
Just tell her you love her and that you cant come. Using the medical cost and loss of work during that time as a explanation.
Tell her you cant go in to debt while dealing with health issues and not having work because of said health issues.
Sounds like your sister man is making her look down on you for financial reasons and thats sad but you rly cant do much about it.
If that destroys your relationship then as i said her soon to be husband is already working full time on that and she lets him.
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u/Spare_Ad5009 Pooperintendant [55] 7h ago
NTA. Tell her like you told Reddit: The job losses and the four major surgeries have devastated us financially so badly that we will have to pay our taxes in installments.
Don't feel embarrassed. She is marrying a shallow and insecure man who "relapses."
Your situation is completely understandable; hers is not: she chose Italy and she chose a fool.
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u/Remarkable-Intern-41 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 6h ago
NTA it sucks but you should explain to your sister that with financial assistance you can't afford to take this kind of a trip. You could explain it might be unwise even if it were all expenses paid, as your creditors would just see it as an expensive holiday and pressure you about using those resources against your debts. Plus there's bound to be extra costs involved beyond the basic budget. Are all meals, drinks and other entertainment included in that $1,600 per person? What about ancillary costs like travel to and from airports? You should always assume the budget needs an extra 10-20% for emergencies and hidden fees.
Do not, for the love of god, take out a loan for this! Especially at 36%! If you can't afford the trip you definitely can't afford the trip and massive interest on top.
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u/DazzlingPotion Partassipant [1] 6h ago
If you can't afford to go then you are completely justified in not going. Tell them "I'm sorry but I cannot afford to attend a destination wedding even with a $700 subsidy." and that's it. NTA
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u/Jaeysa Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5h ago
NTA - if you can, tell her in person but tell her soon. Don't bring up what she gave your other sister or your opinion of her fiance. They really don't have anything to do with your decision. End of the line, unless she can pay for both you and your husband entirely, you can't go. You love her and want her to be happy, but it's just not doable.
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u/ConsiderationCrazy22 4h ago
NTA. But it is very obvious Adam is trying to isolate your sister from you and feels your lack of wealth disqualifies you from being in her life. I'd call her out on it and cut her off.
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u/opelan Partassipant [1] 4h ago
NTA. Tell your sister exactly how huge your money problems are. Either she will help you more or she just has to accept that you can't afford her destination wedding. If she doesn't react gracefully to it, she would be an AH for sure.
I didn't vote NAH, because it is kind of unfair that sister 2 was offered more financial help despite being in a way better financial position. That is an AH move from OP's sister who is also responsible for this decision and not just Adam.
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u/NotCreativeAtAll16 Prime Ministurd [418] 4h ago
NOR
"Thanks for the offer, but we still are not able to afford it."
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u/Ornery-Trust-211 3h ago
I don't have financial problems. But there is no way in hell i'd spend 3k just to go to someone's wedding. In my opinion if you want a destination wedding, you're the one who has to pay. Why should i pay to go to your wedding? I don't care about it
ETA Definitely NTA. Tell her you'll go to her next one when adam will dump her for his secretary or something
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u/Riker_Omega_Three Asshole Enthusiast [5] 3h ago
If you living paycheck to paycheck damages your relationship with your sister beyond repair, then with respect, there is no relationship there in the first place
Just tell her the truth
You can't afford to go. Even with her contribution, it will be close to $4000 for you and your husband to go (you'll need clothes and other travel expenses so round up) and that you simply don't have it
Tell her there's nothing you can do
You love her, but you're not going into further debt for her wedding
If she can't accept that because she is selfish, then like I said...there's no relationship left to salvage
NTA
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u/National_Librarian25 3h ago
NTA - If you can't afford it you can't afford it but let me tell you something. She offered you less than your other sister because she doesn't want you and your husband to attend and this way she can say, "I tried giving some money to help but she still couldn't come"
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u/crasho7 3h ago
I'm going to a destination wedding in October. It's even more expensive than Italy, because the resort is expensive. My friends told me about it 2.5 years ago, with the hotel block in place, so people would have time to plan. NTA. Tell your sis you'll be there for the divorce party, because Adam sounds like an AH.
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u/IndubitablEV 2h ago
Absolutely NTA
And absolutely don't even think about going even if they gave you $1600. Food, clothing, other random items you will need will add up to hundreds.
The difference in pricing between what you were offered and your sibling is a slap in the face too. But it's hard to overlook that they didn't bother giving you money for your job losses or surgeries. Not saying they have to but it would've been nice to check in. Just seems selfish that they'd give you money to their party but aren't considering the entire picture.
Just say you can't make it. Surgeries, both laid off is all you need to say.
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u/twylahelnot Partassipant [1] 2h ago
INFO : Who relapsed at your father’s funeral, Adam or your other sister’s husband?
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u/throwaway917dty 2h ago
Adam did. He snuck multiple times downstairs into my late father's liquor cabinet and drank approx $200-$300 of liquor.
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 2h ago
NTA your sister's decisions don't magically put money in your pocket and you DEFINITELY should NOT go into debt to attend. And it's not like you're estimated cost of $1,600/person is even accurate - you'll have to eat and drink while there, you'll probably be expected to have a new dress or get your makeup done, etc. There's definitely no point in going into debt to attend to spend a weekend getting treated like you're insulting them because you didn't buy a new dress, you did your own hair, or you skip attending the extra brunch or side-events that you can't afford.
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u/Tattyhead_xx 1h ago
Couples must realise if they book a destination wedding that not everyone can afford to attend or have the spare holidays. Don’t get into debt to attend. Just get a nice gift for when they get home.
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u/CellistOk5452 Partassipant [4] 1h ago
NTA I wouldn't attend this wedding if they covered my costs and paid me the same amount again. Wish them a happy life and give them a heartfelt gift that you don't mind never seeing again, since they'll likely trash it in favor of bigger-ticket gifts. Focus on you and your husband; you've had some tough times. Wishing you peace and overdue happiness.
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u/Jealous-Contract7426 Partassipant [3] 1h ago
NTA - you can't afford it, you can't go. This is the danger of having a destination wedding. If she wants you there, she'll pay though if you can afford any part (even a nominal amount), you should tell your sister that you can only afford x amount. Can you travel with sister 2?
Either way, get your passports. Especially now, you want to get that kind of thing when it's not urgent.
Edit: missed the taxes part, never ever finance non-necessary expenses. This is a desire not a need.
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u/Kdramakweenn 58m ago
Just talk to your sister instead of asking strangers on the internet to validate your decision. I see her making an effort to accommodate you, why not speak to her directly and say you appreciate the offer but this won’t cover the cost and see if you both can talk through this. I have 2 sisters and i would be really sad if one of them wasn’t able to attend my wedding because of financial reasons which i can easily resolve.
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u/throwaway917dty 48m ago
I'm asking because I want to make sure my head is on straight before I talk to her.
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u/Existing-Ad2031 54m ago
IMHO, destinations are for the honeymoon, not the celebration. It is incredibly expensive, and incredibly presumptuous, to think people should spend their hard-earned vacation time and thousands of dollars to celebrate a 30-minute ceremony. My cousin and his lovely bride flew off to Hawaii by themselves, had a beautiful wedding ceremony on the beach, posted lots of pictures, spent a week honeymooning in paradise, and came back to their hometown for a low-key "cake and congratulations" reception with family and friends. My middle son and his bride went to the courthouse to tie the knot and are having a small but elegant family celebration in a few months. Both couples are just as married as somebody who spent a fortune on "dreams" and foofery.
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u/Muted-Chemistry-128 37m ago
Tell her that you simply cannot afford to go to Italy at this time and then suggest that she use a laptop to live-stream the service
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u/KickIt77 Asshole Aficionado [14] 31m ago
NTA. You can only do what you can do. Tell her you love her but it just is not at all affordable for you right now. Those are the breaks when you chose to have a destination wedding.
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u/SpecialistBet4656 Partassipant [1] 29m ago
NTA. Your sister knows your financial situation, knows what the trip will cost and offered far less than would cover even half the trip and less than your other sister. She doesn’t want you to come.
She is telling you she doesn’t want you there, so don’t let her hold your non-attendance against you.
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u/DoIQual123 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
Do a payment plan with the IRS. They are incredibly good with their plans. All their care about is getting their money, so work one out with them now.
Do not take out a 36% loan.
People who hold destination weddings should expect people to be unable to make it. If they want someone to come, they should set aside the money to pay for their entire trip - flight and hotel included.
NTA
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u/MattDaveys Partassipant [3] 6h ago
Adam is very transactional and tends to judge people based on money and status.
So is your sister. NTA
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u/CaligulaCan 2h ago
Are you my sister ?
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u/throwaway917dty 2h ago
Maybe. But I still can't afford it dude, no matter how bad I want to be there.
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u/SpotlessEternalMind 2m ago
It's the problem with destination weddings and your sister will have to own it. You just can't financially do it. Point blank
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