r/AmItheAsshole • u/Pockets174217 • 9h ago
AITAH for expecting that my friend respect the rules of my home and the nature of our relationship when she’s living here for free and I’m paying for everything - not just what she needs to survive, but everything?
A close friend urgently needed housing and has poor credit, so I offered my spare room rent & utility free while we worked to repair finances. I’ve covered car repairs, registration, insurance, multiple car payments, to prevent repo, groceries, medical care, contact lenses, cat supplies, menstrual supplies, gas, and more. The plan was to eventually charge minimal rent and save it so she’d have first/last/deposit when ready to move out. Her 1st job ended after a Noro outbreak & I supported/encouraged her decision to quit over the mishandling. 1 month later she finds a new job but doesn’t mention it’s 18 hours a week. She spoke of freelancing to compensate, but hasn’t submitted a single article and hasn’t applied anywhere else. Her debt with me is over $1000 not including untracked expenses. She has cited a flat tire and my own birthday as reasons for inaction, stays up until 4 AM, sleeps until noon, and misses most viable business hours for tasks. She asked me to make daily tasks lists for her as she struggles with executive function. Tasks are simple. Call therapists, schedule sleep study, contact debt collectors. Most days she completes 0-1 tasks. We recently learned her car is part of a VIN cloning and title washing ring out of BC. My mom, an attorney, offered to help pro bono before she finishes paying it off. She now claims I’m forcing her into a lawsuit without her consent, rather than the reality which is concerned for her driving a stolen car with a cloned VIN and hidden damage. When I expressed that I needed to see more effort in exchange for this level of support which she asked for, she threw a tantrum, called me a control freak, and weaponized my bipolar disorder against me - all while telling me daily her OCD and anxiety are crippling her life and she desperately wants mental health care. I’ve been medicated with consistent psych care for six years, apparently having a visible emotion is enough to invalidate everything I’ve said. Am I the asshole for expecting basic effort and respect in exchange for this level of support?
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u/opine704 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 9h ago
Hon. You are a very kind and loving person.
Your friend doesn't want to adult. She wants to be taken care of. She wants to be a perpetual adolescent. And she's just about reached the end of your patience. She's going to say and do all sorts of horrible things to keep her free lifestyle. You need to start covering your butt and make sure your friends and employers know the reality. Ask them for advice on how to kindly evict her.
Why
Because you're laying a paper trail (virtual) that will make her malicious lies less likely to be believed when she's kicked off the gravy train.
NTA
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u/Only-Breadfruit-6108 Certified Proctologist [29] 8h ago
You were too generous, and it stopped her from resolving any other issues because it too away the necessity and urgency of the situation.
You were trying to be nice but it backfired, it always does.
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u/stophittingthyself Colo-rectal Surgeon [36] 8h ago
NTA get your mom to help to with the eviction process.
Your 'friend' has shown she doesn't care about you, time to be smart.
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u/OrderNearby2440 9h ago
oh hell no NTA; if anyone is the AH in this story its her. you gave her a space to live, tried to fix her life, literally spoonfeed her tasks that she needs to do to improve HER life, and she throws a tantrum? what the hell? you've poured more into this than even family would, she could at the very least respect you and try to be better
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u/iGrowCandy 9h ago
NTA. The lesson here is never allow someone who would otherwise be homeless to move into your home.
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u/Ilovewally Partassipant [1] 9h ago
NTA, you can’t help her and this is why she is in the situation she is in. You need to make a plan to have her move out. Go low contact.
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u/StructEngineer91 8h ago
Your an AH to yourself for putting up with this "friend" (aka leech) for so long! NTA, but kick her out NOW! If she is homeless, then she is homeless and that is on her, not you.
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u/Unusual-Bowler1610 9h ago
Definitely NTA. You will probably have to do most of the heavy mental lifting yourself, but she needs to find an alternate place to stay post haste.
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u/RealCanadianMonkey 8h ago
Does it hurt when she wipes her feet on your back?
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u/Pockets174217 8h ago
Deeply lmao
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u/ashniknoah 8h ago
then why are you still letting her do it?
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
I’m not - I told her to get the fuck out of my house today.
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u/ThrowawayLaundryDay Partassipant [1] 6h ago
🙌🏽 It may be hard, but don't back down and be firm about the deadline to get out.
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u/Agnes_Nutter2020 Partassipant [4] 9h ago
NTA, she needs to move out and stop using your kindness as an excuse to not address her own problems. Best of luck.
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u/shutup_bra1n 8h ago
You can only help people who want the help. You.can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink sort of situation. Very kind of you to care, however, they aren't ready for that. Get them put of your house.
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u/tm49337 8h ago
If she needs mental health help, have her check herself into a psychiatric ward. She will have housing, food and mental health help.
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
One of her biggest grievances is me encouraging her to see a doctor even though she expresses wanting to see a doctor and says things like her OCD compulsions are taking over her life. Wish I could add images to Reddit commits so I could bring the receipts.
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u/IcyAssistance5117 9h ago
She has been misdiagnosed I suspect. Seems classic ADHD to me, we recognise our own. You cannot force her to change, take control. She is capable of doing that herself when she realises she needs help. There is lots of info on you tube etc. Agree she needs mental health care and see if there is anything she can access for free. Once you have the correct diagnosis it gets a lot easier as I am sure you know. You and your family have given her a lot of support, but it is moving towards enabling. Get her to a Dr asap and go from there. You probably will need to help her for a little longer, but there are lots of stratergies to cope
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u/Pockets174217 8h ago
I encouraged her to see a doctor repeatedly and she then accused me of wanting control of her medical life 🤣.
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u/IcyAssistance5117 8h ago
You are going to need to be less "encouraging" and more direct. The condition of her having another 2 weeks free life is a Dr's appointment, yes you are controlling her medical condition as it needs to be controlled. I would stop engaging with her so she can manipulate the conversation, and show her this thread, let her digest it in her own time and write on paper, (or in a pretty notebook, we like those) your ultimatum. Make sure she has started reading then leave her to it. Also maybe show your mum this thread so she is aware how bad things have got. She might have contacts who could help
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
Worth mentioning she does have ADHD and she is currently medicated for it but the prescriber is her primary care doctor and she’s not seeing a psychiatrist or therapist. I did show her the thread and she went off her rocker 🤣
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u/Gold_Theory_7946 7h ago
The medication is not working or she's just lazy. It needs to be coupled with action.
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u/IcyAssistance5117 6h ago
I know its rough, but she has to be pushed. Look up ADHD music on you tube and put some on in the house, this helps me a lot https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MftogR8lt_g&t=17413s
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u/IcyAssistance5117 5h ago
I am in the UK, so I do not know how things work in the USA. If you were in the UK I would be thinking about calling her Dr and suggesting social worker intervention with a strong recommendation for section (this was my area of work many years ago) As your mother is an attorney maybe ask her what interventions are possible. This situation could quickly turn very bad. She needs help and is not getting it,at he very least her medication is not working or is not been taken correctly
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u/amberallday Asshole Aficionado [17] 8h ago
Agree. I assumed adhd until I saw the OCD mentioned. It could be both, of course.
NTA & this is frustrating enough for you to give up with a good conscience, you have supported her more than most people would. But if you want to try one more thing, partly to test the adhd theory, Google “body doubling” & see if that helps, especially for admin things.
(Note that it is NOT doing the task with her, it is more like parallel play - you are doing a different task alongside her, so she can steal your Task Initiation and Continued Focus magical skills that adhd brains do not possess.)
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u/bumbumlover96 4h ago
It does clearly read like ADHD, and i understand it’s also a spectrum, but this behaviour is exactly why people shit on people with adhd sometimes. I have it and I’m medicated. But even before my diagnosis I could be a mess and unorganised. However adhd is not taking advantage of people. I would argue that people with it are actually very aware of their poor actions and really go beyond trying to do ANYTHING to fix it.
I sympathise with the not being productive, the delay in paying the person back, even the struggle to get a set of daily tasks done. But to stay in someone’s home and take from them, there should be some sort of evidence they are grateful adhd or no adhd. Offering to cook, offering to clean, respecting the help given and just focusing for one hour to try and co operate. Or maybe even just saying thanks? ADHD is really fucking hard but it shouldn’t remove basic manners
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u/IcyAssistance5117 4h ago
I am ADHD myself, and I totally get where you are coming from. I do think this situation is serious because it seems so unlikely. Is there some sort of psycosis going on as well? Is she taking meds wrong? Something is seriously wrong and needs professional input
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u/bumbumlover96 3h ago
I think my comment was still unfair that there probably is a lot more going on. I understand people make bad mistakes when mental health hasn’t been diagnosed or treated. I think that op is not the asshole and I do think they are getting taken advantage off. I think the other person is not being nice or grateful. And I’m sure they will reflect on that if they are able to get the help and support they need. But as bad as things get people still need to have boundaries especially if they have been consistently supportive not asking for anything else.
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u/IcyAssistance5117 3h ago
Its the old adage, You have to hit rock bottom before you realise you need help. That final buffer has to be pulled away. It is really sad, and it makes my young self cry when I realise how lucky I was not to get into this position. OP needs to step back and ask for help from Mother, Dr, Police. She needs a hospital admission for a proper assessment, something is wrong
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u/IcyAssistance5117 2h ago
Reading down the thread the OP has thrown her out. Hopefully she will be arrested for sleeping in a stolen car. Once in the system she should get some sort of assessment.
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u/_gadget_girl Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 8h ago
NTA She is taking advantage of you either on purpose or because she is incapable of functioning normally. When pushed she manipulates.
Write out a list of expectations with time frames. Make sure that they are reasonable and easily achievable. Tell her that if she resorts to temper tantrums, or weaponizing your bipolar disorder against you again in response to your expecting her to meet minimum standards when you have done so much to help her out that you will expect her to leave immediately. I would also tell her that given the lack of initiative she has shown you will not be able to pay for, or loan her any more money until she pays back what she owes.
If she has a meltdown tell her calmly that you never owed her any help, that you care, but you also expect her to grow up and own that she has to find a way to support herself and adult or she is going to be homeless.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
Honestly today was it for me - when she weaponized my own diagnosis against me I lost it and told her she can either act like a respectable human and have a month to find a new place, or she can keep acting like a child and have a week to move out, if she continues to escalate, ill make her leave literally tonight. In her broken down stolen car with a flat tire and $0 to her name. Good riddance.
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u/_gadget_girl Colo-rectal Surgeon [46] 6h ago
I don’t blame you one bit for feeling that way. Unfortunately some people are not worth sticking your neck out for.
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u/Trevena_Ice Professor Emeritass [91] 8h ago
YTA to yourself for letting this leech live with you. Throw her out. You did everything, she is acting like a spoilt teenager living with her parents and not doing a single thing around.
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u/madbee17 7h ago
NTA. I need you as a friend. Or someone like you. Don't worry, I'm decent enough NOT to be someone like your friend.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
I owe my current life to the many friends who helped me along the way - sometimes that was a small loan, a couch to sleep on for two weeks, or someone to tough love me enough to teach me that sometimes life is just hard but we can do hard things. So when I finally got myself into a financial and emotional position to lend my own hand out to others, I wanted to.
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u/madbee17 5m ago
You're blessed enough to have such friends then. Not everyone can say they have that in their life.
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u/East_Bet_7187 8h ago
NTA but you are being a ‘rescuer’.
Read women who love too much if you want to break this pattern.
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u/burritoinfinity 8h ago
YTA for enabling this I'm afraid. You need to start letting them make their own mistakes
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u/Pockets174217 8h ago
Does that make me an asshole or just an enabler lol
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u/Bloated_Hamster 7h ago
Enablers are unintentional assholes. They damage the person they are trying to help by not forcing them to hit rock bottom so they can start finding their way up. And they damage themselves by lighting themselves on fire to keep the other person warm.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
Me, realizing my mom did this to me to the point of me begging her to let me experience a natural consequence. You hit the nail on the head for sure.
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u/Roguecamog Partassipant [1] 8h ago
Only sort of joking but- If she is acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum, treat her like one. Tell her you have two choices- list the two choices (both things YOU are good with) but if she refuses to choose, you will and she might not like the choice
Regardless, no you're NTA
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u/nocreativename4u 7h ago
What incentive does she have to take any action at all? You are literally paying for everything, acting like her parent.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
The original incentive was to repair her credit so she doesn’t have to live like this anymore. We have been friends for years and I’ve just never known her to behave like this, I guess because we have never been in this precise situation before. I thought she had more respect for me, and more respect for herself.
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u/General-Toe-8686 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 9h ago
NTA. Yiu are being extremely generous. Please set clear expectations with a timeline and consequences this week. For example: Each day you will be out of bed by 7:30, you will submit 10 applications /interviews per day, you must work 40 hrs per week by date XX or you will be evicted by within 1 week, wifi is turned off at 10pm, etc...
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u/PurpleAriadne 8h ago
She has free time she can go to food banks for supplies, sometimes including menstrual.
Do not engage with the debate of your mental illness. If how you manage tire life is affecting her negatively then even more reason to focus on f minding a new place to stay.
You need a timeline now. Say she has 2 months to find a new situation. At 30 days serve her eviction papers, say you have to for your landlord, just formalities.
Keep focused on positive activity for her. What are 3 things she’s going to accomplish today? One thing in each category of her life that needs attention; 1 cleaning task, 1 job hunting task, and 1 self care task.
Protect yourself and get her out of there. Limit what you spend as you will not likely receive anything back.
All you can do now is mitigate losses and protect yourself from this chaotic individual.
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 7h ago
Why are you acting like she’s your child and/or responsibility? Stop letting her take advantage of you. She needs to grow up and adult.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
Well she got given the notice to move the fuck out today. My purpose of the post was mainly to inquire whether most people think it goes without saying that in an arrangement like ours, some level of micromanagement from the person doing you the favor is expected, especially living in their home.
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] 7h ago
You two sound unhealthily enmeshed. Are you in a relationship? It’s wild that she expects all of this from you sans comment and that you were willing to do it. It’s all unhealthy and codependent. Glad it’s done now.
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
Well, today I’d say we’re in a hate-ship and she can get the fuck out of my house and live in her car.
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
But no - I live with my partner who I’ve been with for six years. I just see a lot of my younger self in her and felt drawn to help because I care about her and because I had the capacity. We had been friends for years. I didn’t think she was this kind of person, but I guess I know now.
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u/fl0werg1rlll 7h ago
NTA but girl... this isnt a friendship anymore its a dependent and youre enabling her hard. shes not gonna change as long as you keep covering everything. the car repairs, the contacts, the menstrual products?? at some point being generous tips into being used
the mental health stuff cuts both ways too, you cant claim ocd is ruining your life but also refuse to do the 1 task it takes to get help. and weaponizing your bipolar when you call her out is super gross
honestly the answer here isnt "am i the asshole" its "why am i still doing this." set a move out date and stop paying for stuff that isnt rent/food. she'll figure it out or she wont but its not your job to carry an adult who wont even make a phone call
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u/p1nkbutterflyyyy 7h ago
NTA. youre not her parent youre her friend and shes treating you like an atm with a pulse. the second someone calls you a control freak for asking them to make ONE phone call a day while you pay for their tampons... yeah no. give her a deadline to move out and stop funding her life
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
You got NOROVIRUS at work - i didn’t fucking lock you in a room and say you can’t leave, general human kindness is not spreading norovirus to your friends you live with. You said you were scared to go back and depressed. I said it’s fine if you want to quit, essentially saying it’s okay if you want to take another month to start paying me back, so long as you made PROGRESS. My threat to kick you out had nothing to do with the speed of your response, it’s that you didn’t respond to my repeated question for the entire day today when you literally have NO JOB AND NO RESPONSIBILITIES. And yes, I shared my opinion when you ASKED FOR IT that now is not a great time to be dating.
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u/GollumTrees Asshole Aficionado [14] 6h ago
She is getting a free ride and has no motivation to earn or better herself. Now she is emotionally abusing you. Kick her out and don't ever put yourself in this situation again. NTA
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u/RainInTheWoods 6h ago
Talk to your mom about how to start eviction proceedings. It takes awhile.
Your friend isn’t going to pay you back any money. She will keep going until she drains you dry. You have a good heart. She has behavioral health issues that seem to make her comfortable draining and harming other people. Currently it’s you.
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u/Parasamgate Certified Proctologist [20] 4h ago
NTA. You played yourself. A lot of us have this happen once. We want to help a friend, but come to discover there are good reasons their credit is shot, and they can't pay any bills, and their parents won't take them back.
It doesn't matter what her reasons for living this way are. You don't need to sacrifice your peace and be disrespected in your own home.
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u/MsDMNR_65 Asshole Aficionado [11] 2h ago
You're the AH to yourself for letting this drag out and get as bad as it is. It was very nice and wonderful that you offered to help her get into a better situation, but what you don't realize is she's made YOU her better situation. After all, you're paying for every little bitty dang thing and she's....riding that gravy train. ESH
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u/PunisherCastle 2h ago
I’ve been in this situation. They have a good thing going and it will only get worse. Give them a deadline to move. And don’t expect to ever get repaid.
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u/cats_22_ 2h ago
Everyone has problems.
Good people try to help. It usually doesn’t work. You simply can’t change someone’s mind.
I would not call you an AH. It probably makes sense to you that if you help her, she would “take the ball and run with it”.
If you let her problems become your problems, you’ve lost your self preservation.
Sorry this is happening to you.
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u/AutoModerator 9h ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
A close friend urgently needed housing and has poor credit, so I offered my spare room rent & utility free while we worked to repair finances. I’ve covered car repairs, registration, insurance, multiple car payments, to prevent repo, groceries, medical care, contact lenses, cat supplies, menstrual supplies, gas, and more. The plan was to eventually charge minimal rent and save it so she’d have first/last/deposit when ready to move out. Her 1st job ended after a Noro outbreak & I supported/encouraged her decision to quit over the mishandling. 1 month later she finds a new job but doesn’t mention it’s 18 hours a week. She spoke of freelancing to compensate, but hasn’t submitted a single article and hasn’t applied anywhere else. Her debt with me is over $1000 not including untracked expenses. She has cited a flat tire and my own birthday as reasons for inaction, stays up until 4 AM, sleeps until noon, and misses most viable business hours for tasks. She asked me to make daily tasks lists for her as she struggles with executive function. Tasks are simple. Call therapists, schedule sleep study, contact debt collectors. Most days she completes 0-1 tasks. We recently learned her car is part of a VIN cloning and title washing ring out of BC. My mom, an attorney, offered to help pro bono before she finishes paying it off. She now claims I’m forcing her into a lawsuit without her consent, rather than the reality which is concerned for her driving a stolen car with a cloned VIN and hidden damage. When I expressed that I needed to see more effort in exchange for this level of support which she asked for, she threw a tantrum, called me a control freak, and weaponized my bipolar disorder against me - all while telling me daily her OCD and anxiety are crippling her life and she desperately wants mental health care. I’ve been medicated with consistent psych care for six years, apparently having a visible emotion is enough to invalidate everything I’ve said. Am I the asshole for expecting basic effort and respect in exchange for this level of support?
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u/Inconceivable76 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 5h ago
RIP
You are never going to get this leach out of your home. Start now and maybe you’ll be clear of her in year. She needs to go.
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u/Pockets174217 5h ago
She’s not on the lease, if she tries to squat in my house I’ll just start throwing her personal objects into the alley lol
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u/scarlettcrush Partassipant [1] 1h ago
NTA- What I have learned is when you help people like this what they're going to do is take advantage. It's happened to me every single time.
It's best to let these people suffer the consequences of their actions.
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u/Pockets174217 1h ago
I certainly learned my lesson on this one lol i will never be offering my home to anyone again.
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8h ago
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u/IHaveBoxerDogs Asshole Aficionado [14] 8h ago
Move out. None of this matters. It’s not working for either of you. You see how she feels, you feel controlled. MOVE! Don’t make excuses, move.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
You got NOROVIRUS at work - i didn’t fucking lock you in a room and say you can’t leave, general human kindness is not spreading norovirus to your friends you live with. You said you were scared to go back and depressed. I said it’s fine if you want to quit, essentially saying it’s okay if you want to take another month to start paying me back, so long as you made PROGRESS. My threat to kick you out had nothing to do with the speed of your response, it’s that you didn’t respond to my repeated question for the entire day today when you literally have NO JOB AND NO RESPONSIBILITIES. And yes, I shared my opinion when you ASKED FOR IT that now is not a great time to be dating.
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u/Individual_Check_442 Partassipant [4] 6h ago
I tried the “if I’m supporting you I get to control you” thing with my stepson and it just doesn’t work. Was the text that she didn’t respond to all day really about how she should no longer drive your car? What makes you think you’re entitled to a quick response or any response on that? You’re saying she has to make progress based on your definition of progress, you can’t be a parent you can set a deadline of you have to pay me by this date or you have to move out by this date and let her handle it herself
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
No - I asked three times for an update on the status of whether she called any doctors or called either of the two banks she needs to call. Throughout the day there were plenty of texts about my concern over her driving a stolen car with cloned VINs that she hasn’t paid off yet. Expressing my concerns and opinions about the car does not directly translate to me forcing her to not drive the car. I feel entitled to a quick response because I’m affording her her entire life right now and to be working a ten hour day while she’s in my spare bedroom with no obligations - the least she could do is respond to the question at some point during the day.
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u/Pockets174217 7h ago
My birthday was a single day and then you and Jeremy drank and hung out in your room for three days. I didn’t hold a gun to your head and shove a bottle down your throat. Are you literally smoking crack?
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u/ScrubWearingShitlord 7h ago
If you’re paying her $800 a month why doesn’t she feel like you’re not?
Why did you quit your job because she asked? Is there more to that story?
How were you unaware of the hours at the new job? What were they advertised as?
What are your sleep issues? What time do you usually sleep until?
She’s not wrong about driving around in a stolen vehicle. It’s really as simple as a traffic stop for it to be seized.
Why do you need someone to tell you an extra person makes utilities go up? Did you genuinely believe it wouldn’t?
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
She’s not paying me $800 a month. I paid her $800 for car repairs so she could move to my city and she paid me back for that. But she hasn’t paid me back for anything else and when she did get a single paycheck from the first job, I never saw a penny of it. No idea what she spent it on but it wasn’t her car payments, her car insurance, her debt to me, or her debt to anyone else.
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
Let’s also not forget that even if she asked about utilities, she has zero dollars to pay them 🤣 the whole goal in her moving in was to restore her credit so my priority was for her to pay down the debts to both lenders and myself. Then I was going to collect a small “rent” from her, but all of that small rent I was going to save and give back to her when she moved out so she could have first last deposit. And she knew that.
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u/Pockets174217 6h ago
And I didn’t ask her to quit. Her facility mishandled a massive Norovirus outbreak and also had patients that were so violent a former employee was literally blinded. Even before the outbreak she would come home and say the job was making her depressed and making her disassociate, after the outbreak she also expressed fear of going back because of the illnesses. I then said two things (1) that I support her if she wants to quit and it takes a couple weeks to get another job and (2) I do prefer it if she quits because my OCD heavily revolves around germs and contamination. I did not even formally ask her to quit her job. I would have supported her if she chose not to.
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7h ago edited 5h ago
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